| Home | Archives | About Me | Wall Of Shame | Reviews | Quotes | ToughGuys Inc. | Inane Drivel | Links | Guestbook | ||||||
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
BEAU WARS!!!!! lowlife says: Hypno Sparidium says: |
My dog just pissed on my
pillowcase :(. If I shaved my head, would everyone think I was an activist? Would it help if I snuck around Irish pubs looking suspicious and leaving briefcases near rubbish bins? You're going against nature. In my day we pierced ourselves with safety pins and knitting needles that we stole from Grandma. Garbage bags can be an essential substitute for proper trousers if you are that way inclined. I have the mind of a poet and the heart of a procrastinator. I'm politically aware because I listen to Rage Against The Machine. I've got rid of personal hygeine in favour of dreadlocks and incense. That means I'm a political activist. iwonderwhattheworldwouldbelikewithoutspacebarsandshiftkeys/ Spontaneous human combustion isn't so bad once you get used to it. Oi! You! Put down that cheese toastie this instant! Vodka and Weed Pie Ingredients: 1 pie, 1 bottle of vodka, some weed. Method: Open up pie. Remove that stuff that looks like cat food. Add vodka. Sprinkle on a bit of weed. Re-seal pie. Eat it, then go on a rampage of giving people noogies and stealing Cosmopolitan magazines from dairies. RECIPE COURTESY OF: Pathetic Fucks . Com Cooking Show I'm a hardcore goth Make no mistake Been a hardcore goth Since April 1978 ...the octopus rambles on purple lightbulb with swordfish steve by the cresent moon... Wanna come back to my place? We can make waffels. I can't believe you're still reading this. Get up, get down, get up, get down, get up, get down, get up, get down, WHICH?!? When you're looking for a way to get cleaner skin and perfect teeth, nothing beats bona fide Taupo trout. Mmmmm...trout! Andrew WK Parties Hard. He's always too hungover to make good music. If I had a drum machine I could rule the world for a day. Everyone wonders about me Vanity? Insanity? What is the reason for this? Everyday they draw up new theories Lost loves? Rough upbringing? Some kind of mechanical hamster? You'll never know, but you came close Nothing personal It's not that I didn't like you, I did Soon as you did that, though, well, you know the rest Don't remember my name, I've forgotten yours Even though there were good times All the bad times cancelled them out Do you get the picture now? There's people more important than you Oblivous to that fact as you are Maybe one day you'll wake up to yourself Even if it's too late... I fucken forgot Family Guy was on tonight:(. Is there any bigger tragedy than missing one of your favourite TV shows? SAM'S DREAM Can't exactly remember how it started but I remember me in a kitchen then going outside into like a fort in the middle of a desert [you know sand] and there are people in it like running round, like it's Arabian Knights, and Grant's there telling me this is boring so he convinces me to go to this place where people line up and someone blows a whistle and every one goes at each other with swords. I ask how's that gonna happen. He whistles and this ghost appears and zaps us there, in this place there's like a big floor and upstairs is balconeys for people who are tired of hacking other people with swords and who want to get something to eat, one area is set out like a farmer's shop with undies and crap every where with like the women a who are playing with swords line up next to, the whistle blows and i'm having a great time i'm like hacking evry ones head off and so is grant and we run off to the womens section and start killing a few girls where i meet this nameless woman who for some reason i fall in love with, and grant finds a woman of his own, and to make it weird joanne's there telling me she's fallen in love with this guy, joanne's guy and grant's girl kill each other and grant and joanne cry and the ghost comes back and takes us away back to the desert fort, where me my lover grant and joanne sit down and wonder if we could save their lovers, joannes lover appears as a ghost and says he could do so, so he zaps me and grant back to the killing floor for round number two, or it was he sent us back in time before it started-cant remember, anyway it starts but I can't find a sword, so i pick up this one with a broken handle off a dead guy, but only it's blunt and I cant chop people only stab really hard, so I'm running around looking for my lover, Jimmy [for some reason], grant and his lover, I find grant upstairs having something to eat telling me that he's gonna go down and teach them a lesson in toughness with his fork while running after him i see this guy with an ice pick stab him with my fork and steal his ice pick, after getting tired i go outside to this park and grants sitting down on a bench near a pond and i sit down next to him and start reading from a script "hey grant" and notice up the top it says "sam and grant, episode 1", i also notice tv cameras all around, then me and grant start walking away from the pond towards some shops and this group of people come along and one of them looks like grant if only he had a squarer jaw and looked like a cheesey 70's porno star, all of a sudden i notice he's the only guy and the other people start taking off their clothes and hand me a camera and i start taking photos of these girls in bikinis, then my mum, dad beau and jimmy turn up in this beat up old blue car and take me and grant away all the while telling me to use turn undead on your skeletons the end I've forgotten how that song "Lakini's Juice" goes. Oh no wait, there it is...turn it up bro. Why do people praise The Spark? They take forever to do anything new, and when they do, I wish they hadn't bothered. Everytime I meet someone new on MSN, they tell me to try "This cool test! LOL!". No thank you, my life has meaning. I downloaded a Puff Daddy aka P. Diddy aka P. Deadshit song today, just because it has Dave Navarro on it. That is the last word in pathetic. EMO CHECKLIST: Do you... ...have your chin/lip pierced? ...consider yourself "sXe" or "straight edge"? ...have at least one of your earlobes stretched? ...resemble any member of Weezer or cast member of Clerks? ...claim to be into bands that haven't even been invented yet? ...list Joy Division or Dashboard Confessional as one of your top ten bands? ...have at least one x in your name? ...practice veganism, even though you aren't very good at it? ...have a name that has more vowels than consonants? ...take pictures of yourself with your guitar/looking bored? ...have your windows painted black? ...have a subscription to The Make Out Club? If you answered yes to all or any of these questions, there's a good chance that you are an emo. There's also a 95% chance that you will slit your wrists and what's left of your friends will gather around and write dark poetry in your memory. Which is a silly thing to do; everyone knows that jumping off a bulding is MUCH more effective and crowd-pleasing than wrist-slitting! I'm scared of new things. There's too much stuff in the world as it is, too many albums to listen to, too many movies to watch, too many books to read, and I'm having trouble keeping up. If there isn't a ceasefire in new stuff becoming soon, I may just find myself swapped and overwhelmed. Say what you want, but I think the Red Hot Chili Peppers kick arse. If you'd rather listen to Radiohead or Pearl Jam, then go for it, but if you're gunna make judgements about me because of my Chili Pepper love, then you can just fuck off with your cultural elitism. Leave me alone in my aura of indie-ignorance. Oh, I'll show her rowing lessons, eh? Eh? Eh? STROKE! STROKE! STROKE!
|
FROM THE EMO ARCHIVES Background: OK, about six or seven months ago, I sent out an email to my male friends called "One For The Lads"; basically, a bunch of male chauvinistic jokes that no intelligent being would EVER take seriously. The next day, I got this angry email from my ex-girlfriend's internet friend in the UK who got the email because he was somehow on my address list. Ahem: ----- Original Message ----- From: James Harrison <jimiharr@cosmicjester.freeserve.co.uk> To: <hypnosparidium@hotmail.com> Sent: Friday, December 14, 2001 5:49 AM Subject: What
a shining example The second
part really just describes not what it is like for
bachelors...but what it is like for slobs who live on
their own and their diet is only crap because they were
either too stupid or too lazy to get their parents to
teach them how to cook properly...Oh this is an
interesting one...the 5 feared questions...lets tackle
these individually shall we The next bit if pretty much under what I have already said. The 'why beer is better than religion' is the only really funny thing in the mail... it is funny because many religion has so many dogmas.... and makes a mockery of this...I only think it is funny because religion causes so many injustices I feel it deserves to be had a go at...women don't...........the drinking problem one is funny too...as it doesn't really target anyone or offend anyone.... apart form alcoholics...but I think they know all those points on a daily basis to well anyway... The trick or treat one is obviously written by a guy...a wanker of a guy who is selfish and obviously sees the world not as a thing which he must contribute towards...but as something that he feels serves him and his lusts.........once again... sounds like it is targeted for the mass audience of guys that are emotionally stupid and stunted from their upbringing. I think the hilarious thing about this is that guys pride themselves on their sexual adequacy...when most guys haven't got a fucken clue in bed.... they think the whole point of sex is just to 'shoot their load'...and they couldn't be much more wrong...this is probably why women leave guys like this later on...because they crave someone who respects them and loves them just as much as they know how to express this physical love in a way that is pleasurable for both the members of the couple...most guys don't have a clue about pleasing a woman...and probably need to read a book or two about it!....otherwise they may find themselves feeling extremely inadequate and not knowing what to do in the heat of the moment... Funny how the reality contradicts much of what guys boast and joke about isn't it? 80 rules on
being a man Now this bit is funny...it sounds like a girl
that was trying to get at a guy who treated her badly
wrote it.........I don't envy that guy...but by the
sounds of things...it sounds like he deserved it!
Basically Grant I didn't know hw you intended this
email.... and as I see that you didn't send it to any
girls you obviously didn't mean it in good
humor.............and quite frankly I am not one of the
"Boys club" which I have seen so many
disgusting examples of here...I was brought up to respect
women...from what I have heard.... guys form NZ and guys
from Australia have ridiculously negative, derogatory and
selfish attitudes.........seeing them as second class
citizens still...I think this is a pathetic attitude that
should have been dealt with a long time ago......... My
parents brought me up and they taught me to respect
everyone as equal...and also to fight and refute things
that I do not agree with................. And I don't
agree with sexism in general...I don't agree with any
sort of elitism...and this is elitism of sex.........I
study psychology and have studied brain waves...and you
may find this hard to believe but girls actually have
more optimum brain usage than guys...(they use several
parts of the brain at a time when guys can only use the
one)...plus women are better drivers...not because it is
a natural talent...but because they use the one things
that guys don't usually show...common sense, courtesy and
carefulness...instead of pig headedness and showing off!
I feel angry (as a 20 year old guy) that there are still
stupid idiot males in this world that find this sort of
things funny and they are infecting the minds of the
young with their stupid out dated unfunny humor...because
you just make it worse for the rest of us.... not every
guy is an idiot...and I hate the fact that every time I
meet a girl I care about that she expects me to be a
fucken idiot like all the other guys she has met.... and
every time I just am baffled as to why a guy could treat
such a girl with such a lack of respect...and not
appreciate her for the beautiful creature that she
is............I think this stupid male attitude needs to
be stamped out just like any sort of prejudice........
Because it is only the ignorant, emotionally+
intellectually retarded and fearful people that still
find things like this funny... and I am afraid if you do
really mean this then you may get left behind.... because
so many people are changing their attitudes already in
the world...I just hope you get better.... for your
sake...as you get older and more mature... Otherwise I
think you run the risk of disgusting all nice women with
those pathetically outdated prejudices.... in this case
called jokes...which are evidently just little fantasies
and devices that a guy knows best that an ignorant guy
needs to tell himself so he doesn't have to have an open
mind to new possibilities and also to face his feelings
and fears..............I'm afraid that jokes like these
are the mantra of true cowards.... to make themselves
feel comfortable in being infected with the rotting
disease that is arrogance!............and if you are one
of these weak minded individuals then you have a big
shock coming to you my friend over what a real man is all
about. Usually I'd ignore this kind of abuse. In my chatroom days, I got a lot of abuse because of my random ways, but it never bothered me. But I chose to respond to this because: - This guy is a dick, and very easy to wind up. - His views on women, or "females" are pretty fucked. - He needs to lighten up. - He doesn't even know me, yet he feels he can attack not only me, but my culture as well? Guns out! For maximum random impact, I got drunk before I did this. He stirred the pot... Subject: Nibble on my mayo hams, whoresauce! Is everybody in? The ceremony is about to begin (sorry about that, I've just downloaded some William S. Burroughs, seems to have hijacked my brainwaves. Oh, am I allowed to say hijack anymore? Is that allowed? Just checking, it seems everyone has lost their free will since 9/11 and we're experiencing a PC Renaissance and...oh sorry again, can't help ranting sometimes. Bill Hicks and Denis Leary does that to you...) Yes I am Grant, and I must say, your skills of observation simply astound me. No doubt you've heard several things about me, some which are true, some of which are likely to be fabricated, but that's not important. Nice to know my pathetic attempts at humour are appreciated, especially since they usually come at the expense of other people (oh the irony!). Not so nice to know that some people don't appreciate my sense of humour. However, I'll try to explain. With your last email, you pretty much pointed out, albeit in a long-winded-Billy-Connolly sorta way, exactly why "One For The Lads" made me laugh so much. See, to me, it was obvious that the email was a piss-take (which you alluded to the possibility of it being, but for some reason disagreed with your original hypothesis. Why did you disagree with your intital theory of it being satirical? Was it perhaps too accurate for your liking?). It's funny to me because, anyone who has a decent head on their shoulders wouldn't take it seriously at all. Also, it made me laugh because it reminded me of some people I've known in my life, as well as some seen on TV (like Homer J., Men Behaving Badly, It's A Man's World and Shasta, to name a few) and in movies (High Fidelity anyone?). You seem to be a fairly smart guy, so it surprises me that you thought my intentions with that email were serious. Maybe that's based on what you know about me (ie. not very bloody much), I don't know. It was sent only to guys on my mailing list, because the guys I talk to are the not kind of guys described in "One For The Lads", but are the kind of guys that would get a giggle or two out of it. I didn't send it to any of the girls I know because an email like that doesn't seem as funny coming from a member of the opposite sex (in my eyes). Were you trying to imply that I'm a "lazy bastard shite" guy that you talked about? Maybe I lost something in the translation, but that's how it felt. Quite frankly, I don't like being accussed of being this or that kind of person from someone that's never had any proper contact with me up until now. Forgive me for not being able to read the minds of every single female on the planet. I feel like I give the females I know due respect; I'm usually willing to listen, resolve any conflicts they may be having with me, and I give them the benefit of the doubt that they DO in fact have a sense of humour, and maybe, just MAYBE, are smart enough to tell the difference between seriousness and full-on pisstake. True, in the context of email, something can be lost, but most of the females I know are able to tell the difference most of the time. Also, I wonder how many male friends you happen to have? I'm all for the whole SNAG and CUNT thing going on right now, but I hate these guys who take it too far, caring about only females and leaving their male cohorts completely out of the picture. You've gotta balance the yin and the yang to enjoy life, I think. I'm always there as much as I can for my fellow man or woman, a rare trait I've seen among other guys during my 18-year life. I make no claims against me sometimes being immature, sometimes being a right prick, but I am only 18, and I'm still growing up, still learning how to be a quote-unquote decent guy. Hmmm, I didn't know that every single woman on the planet was exactly the same, thanks for that. Dude, there are as many types of personalities out there as there are fingerprints, and seeing as how you're studying psychology, you should realise that. Judging by your evidence in that email, you seem to think that all women (hell, all people even) slot into a neat little fucken slot labelled "treat me right, I deserve it". Anyone who watches Ricki Lake will know that some people just suck, for whatever reason. Maybe they were wronged in their lives, maybe brought up the wrong way, maybe have some kind of mental abnormality (although, what is normal? Normal = Socially Acceptable), it doesn't matter, some people are just, well, masochistic. Just look at Marla Singer (Fight Club). You strike me as the kinda guy who will let women walk all over him just so he can say he's a "sensitive new age guy", but never really stand up for himself and think "Hang about, I deserve to be treated right as well!". Seems you're only interested in standing up and telling off people of the same sex, probably because you don't particularly find them sexually attractive. Good luck with that, maybe one day you'll be happy. Me, I'm happy right now, because I've learnt to take things as they are, go with the flow, have no concrete agenda to your life and mock the world around me. For if we can't laugh at ourselves, what's the point in laughing at all? Have some coke and a hummer. Go on, it's on me. Grant Sadly, he never responded. Must be a member of PatheticFucks.com. However, I invite anyone reading this to email him and let him know what YOU really think. That email again: jimiharr@cosmicjester.freeserve.co.ukjimiharr@cosmicjester.freeserve.co.ukjimiharr@cosmicjester.freeserve.co.uk jimiharr@cosmicjester.freeserve.co.ukjimiharr@cosmicjester.freeserve.co.ukjimiharr@cosmicjester.freeserve.co.ukjimiharr@cosmicjester.freeserve.co.uk jimiharr@cosmicjester.freeserve.co.ukjimiharr@cosmicjester.freeserve.co.ukjimiharr@cosmicjester.freeserve.co.ukjimiharr@cosmicjester.freeserve.co.uk jimiharr@cosmicjester.freeserve.co.ukjimiharr@cosmicjester.freeserve.co.ukjimiharr@cosmicjester.freeserve.co.ukjimiharr@cosmicjester.freeserve.co.uk |
|