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TOOL TIME

TOOL Concert, Thursday April 18th 2002

Usually, the Westpac Trust Centre is like a WonderBra. Looks impressive on the outside, but inside, there's fuck all worth seeing. This was not the case last night.

My golden ticket had been burning a hole on my shelf for almost a month, and I never thought in my wildest imaginations it would open up such a wonderful box of toys.

I've been a TOOL fan ever since I picked up a copy of "Ænima" to see what all the fuss was about. Needless to say, I was hooked from that day forward.

Due to bad timing and low funds, last night was my first live TOOL experience, and even though they omitted a few of my favourite songs, I was nowhere near disappointed and was thoroughly entertained the entire evening.

Two hours of waiting in line outside flew by. It was amazing to be able to just talk to a nearby stranger about anything TOOL-related; there was a mass unity. After a while, we started to get a bit restless, but it was like extended foreplay. After that wait, getting inside was like the best orgasm ever.

Once we got inside and found our seats (right up to the barrier, great view of the entire stage and floor, not to mention the lighters flicking in the pit and the hempy smoke in the air), we had a half an hour wait before The Melvins came out. Honestly, what was with that shitty music coming over the PA before the show started? It was some of the worst shit I've ever heard, and I've heard Slipknot.

The Melvins tore the roof off the motherfucker, largely I felt because of their excellent drummer. I haven't heard much of The Melvins stuff, so I couldn't into them very much, but they were pretty damn good, so I'm definately gunna check out some of their shit next chance I get. And Buzz has the best hair in rock, no question.

After The Melvins' short but aggressive set, there was a brief pause while the stage was set up for the band that everyone had come to see.

The crowd went bug-fuck crazy when the band members walked onstage, one by one. By the time Maynard came up, you could see the excitement in the air.

The visuals were mind-blowing. As a technical wanker, I was salivating over the fucken HUGE speaker set-up, and the gigantic screens; two big square ones, each showing a mirror image of the other, and a smaller one on Maynard. Once the circle of eyes from "Lateralus" came on the screens, it was like finding God and reaching Nirvana. Then it got even better.

I felt it was a bit of a slow start, but after the intro to "Stinkfist" started up, the moshpit became one mass entity and every throat in the place shouted allegiance to these metal wizards.

Sadly, I could only see Maynard's shadow, but I still could make out the dreadlocked wig he wore for most of the first half. I'm not entirely sure what he was going for here, but I guessed he was taking a stab at the lead singer from Slipknot; the dreads on his mask are almost identical.

My memory is shit, so I won't put the setlist here; I'm sure someone else has anyway. Highlights for me were "Stinkfist", the "Parabol/Parabola" video during the half-time interval, having the dancers from the "Schism" video walking around onstage during...err..."Schism", and the afore-mentioned dancers hanging from the ceiling and thrashing about while the band belted out "Triad". That was my personal favourite moment; the visual amazement of these two people just swinging like trapeze artists with their arses on fire combined with the pounding beats, not to mention that wicked guy who did extra percussion, as well as seeing the silohuette on Maynard playing guitar behind the mini-screen. And, of course, 'Lateralus", my current favourite song, right at the end. I really was riding the spiral to the end.

Maynard wasn't very talkative; just the occassional "Thank you" and "Good evening" between songs, and his "Take this emotion and make something positive" speech. It's a good little monologue, but he said the same thing last year...

One thing I found suprising was the fact that they played mostly material from 'Lateralus"; every song except for "Faaip de Oiad" and, of course, "Ticks and Leeches", but hardly any of their older material; "Stinkfist" was the only "Ænima" song
(although they played the intro to "Die Eire Von Satan", if that counts). I had been hoping for "Ænema" and "Pushit", but my mind was still thoroughly blown.

It's the next day, my ears are still ringing, my hands are still shaking, and I'm still picking up the pieces of my mind.

Maynard said "We're almost positively coming back soon". Fingers crossed.

Title: down at the end of the garden
Artist: cloudboy

Imagine that you are drifting through a purely metaphysical world, in an empirical state of euphoria. You hear a band of minstrels playing in the background. This band is cloudboy.

An opening paragraph like that may well have you ripping your fillings out and crawling along the ceiling in frustration, but let it be known that cloudboy is one of the few bands that qualify to play the soundtrack to heaven.

Like most albums of this style, the songs on down at the end... melt into each other to form one cohesive whole, with nary a hook or catchy lyric in sight. The only song to really reach out and grab me by the cobblers was the brilliant tebo.

It is near impossible to pinpoint what makes down at the end... so good. Is it the dreamy vocals of singer Demarnia? The use of such varied instruments as tablas, sitars and violas? All of these ingredients combine to make cloudboy much more than just background music for a Ponsonby coffee shop.

If you have a penchant for minimalism coupled with a love for homegrown music, give down at the end... a whirl. Something to put next to your Portishead albums.

Title: Navigator
Artist: Che Fu

It's hard to listen to Navigator without spontaneously spitting superlatives at it's repeated brilliance. It's been a long time between albums for Aotearoa hip-hop's favourite son, but genius doesn't hurry.

Che Fu seems to have reinvented himself somewhat, choosing to call himself "C-Fu" throughout Navigator. His sound has also changed, growing outwards and upwards from his debut.

C-Fu's musical soundscape is mind-blowing, employing a tight unit of talented musicians, instead of the typical "two turntables and a microphone" style adopted by most MCs. It certainly is refreshing to hear real drums and guitar instead of over-used samples, giving Navigator a very natural feel.

But C-Fu's voice is the honey on the crumpet. He has an amazing range, going from sharp tongued rapping (my personal fave is "The Mish (2)") to soulful crooning (first single "Fade Away" is a gem, rightfully dominating the charts) in the space of two tracks.

C-Fu also shares the limelight with his long-time collaborators, "The Krates". Judging by their work on Navigator, it would be wise to bet on some Krates releases making their way into the pipeline soon.

Silky smooth soulful hip-hop tailor-made for cruising 'round town in your friend's Holden.

Album Title: Good.
Artist: Goodshirt

Mighty good, this (I wonder how long that bad joke will last?).

When Goodshirt first came onto the scene with their instant classic Green (thankfully included here), I unfairly wrote them off as one-hit blunders. With Good., their debut album, they prove me wrong 4268 times over.

Far from being 13 versions of Green, each track has it's own distinct quirks and blips and bleeps. And it works to wondrous effect.

As well as being diverse musically, the lyrics are also the stuff of dreams. Bonus points for lyrics go to Slippy, which reads like a personals ad ("laundry service sale/looking for one fine young male/sensible and reliable/to share a three bedroom house in Grey Lynn").

Goodshirt have a knack for catchy lyrics, but their strengths as musicians are also massive; check out Everyday for some great instrumental action.

Good. is an album without low points; if quirky pop is your thing, there's nothing on this album that should disappoint.

However, my favourite part of all is the inclusion of some funky Goodshirt stickers, which you can use to put on the CD sleeve, much like those sticker books from my childhood I miss so much. Sweet!

Goodshirt = Goodshit.

Title: MG4
Artist: Mondo Grosso

Minimalism ahoy! Mondo Grosso is less a band than an entity; the brainchild of one Shinichi Osawa.

For all intents and purposes, MG4 is a collaboration between Shinichi and several other talented, although almost unknown, musical forces in the industry.

What ensues when several underground talents get together? Brilliant music, which there is heaps of on MG4. This album is mostly piano-orientated, so if you're a hardcore guitar fan, you'll likely be comatose by the end of the first track.

MG4 reminds me of the more tranquil moments on Moby's Play; this is the perfect accompaniment to a warm bubble bath. No particular song really leapt out and grabbed me around the throat demanding "LISTEN TO ME!", instead, they meld into each other, making you feel as if you're listening to one continuous track instead of 16.

That being said, The three part Star Suite (I, II, and III, naturally) is worthy of mention.

This album may sound boring, but trust me, it has a very hypnotic effect. This is the kind of music that could end wars. Err, OK, maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration. But it is good! Expect this to be played in coffee shops nationwide.

Scary Movie 2
Written and Directed by: The Wayan brothers

Sequels to hit comedy movies are a very varied species; they range from the improves-on-the-original (Wayne's World 2), to the milking-a-dead-cow variety (the entire Police Academy series).

Scary Movie was a big hit last year, and deservedly so; it accurately took the piss out of pretty much every horror movie released since 1995 in fine style.

Scary Movie 2, however, has the whiff of dead cow milking about it.

That is not to say that there isn't some genuine laugh out loud moments; the Charlie's Angels piss-take is classic comedy, while the opening scene (a brilliant Exorcist rip-off) was my personal fave.

What plot there is is based on subtle horrors like The Haunting and House On Haunted Hill; all the mains, now in college, are taken to a supposedly haunted house to spend a weekend under the watchful eye of a perverted professor and his paraplegic associate (opening the door for heaps of paraplegic and pervert jokes).

On it's own, Scary Movie 2 is not a bad movie, but it pales in the shadow of it's predecessor. Ah well, it's still better than the usual dross at the movies nowadays, which is really saying something.

Title: Discotech Generation
Artist: Gatecrasher

Given the amount of swill out there, dance music has become a somewhat dodgy prospect. For every Fatboy Slim, Daft Punk, Jacknife Lee and Chemical Brothers, there's a hundred Darudes, Sash!'s and Madison Avenue; mawkish wannabe music that even your grandma thinks is shite.

Sadly for Gatecrasher, they tend to fall at the lower end of the spectrum. Based on their previous releases, they seem to be "Hey! Let's get a bunch of "songs" right, that are all really big in the charts 'n' stuff, right? But, to make 'em different, we'll get DJ I'm-The-King-Of-Playing-Other-People's-Songs-Over-And-Over-Again to remix 'em, then simply repackage and resell every three months! Geezer!"

This latest release, err, Discotech Generation is no different, except for the inclusion of Fatboy Slim's cheesy Star 69, which is, sadly, heavily bastardised, proving that Gatecrasher can even make Fatboy Slim suck.

Full credit to Gatecrasher for making the effort though; the package is very pretty, and makes a handy coaster. It even comes with a full-colour photo booklet, full of "intriguing" phrases like "itwillalways bewithyou" and "who's afraid of the big bad noise?" Who's afraid? Gatecrasher apparently, if this sorry collection is anything to go by. Overall, limp.

Title: Lateralus
Artist: Tool

In this time of disposable pop starlets and overnight one-hit blunders, it's comforting to know that there are still musicians out there pushing the envelope of creativity. Tool are such a band, and they prove this on Lateralus, the long-overdue follow-up to 1996's Ænima.

Tool are known for mainly two things: 1) Beautifully repulsive artwork on their albums and T-Shirts (remember Ænima's cool flip-animation cover? They don't sell it any more…what's up with that?), and 2) their ability to marry metal and melody in unholy matrimony.

On previous outings, metal has worn the pants, but on Lateralus, melody is predominant, especially on tracks like Disposition and first single Schism. However, tracks like Ticks and Leeches shows that metal still has a place in Tool's world.

It is hard to fault this album: the tracks melt into each other fluidly; each track almost serves as an intro for the next.

However, a band like Tool are always going to have a bit of wank; Eon Blue Apocalypse doesn't fit, and the "the-government-know-stuff-but-aren't-telling-us" dialogue on Faaip Do Oiad is clichéd, but this fails to ruin the album. A must for any fan of intelligent metal.

Title: Ladies Man
Artist: The D4

Ever since Shihad packed their bags and emigrated across the ditch, New Zealand rock 'n' roll has been in dire need of a good kick up the arse. Weta are no more, Fur Patrol have also jumped ship, Breathe and Garageland have mellowed out, and Zed are ruling our airwaves.

So, be thankful for The D4. They have the drive, power and ability to give NZ the swift kick it needs.

Ladies Man, their second EP, while only containing three songs, it is still a CD well worth having.

It kicks off with the title track, Ladies Man, which is a song destined to become a Kiwi party anthem, along with HLAH's Comfortably Shagged and Slice Of Heaven.

The second track, North Shore Bitch, follows it up excellently with brilliant lyrics such as "You ain't nothing but a pig with tits!" Class, pure class.

Party, (recorded live in Japan!) rounds the EP off nicely, proving that the gritty noise The D4 produce in the studio translates to an excellent night out, fist in the air in full swing with The D4's collective mojo.

Title: Girlthing
Artist: Girlthing

Tempting though it was to use Girlthing as a small, shiny and rather expensive impromptu frisbee, I decided to give girlie-pop a chance and give it a listen, just in case I was proved wrong.

From the first line "It's a girl thing with the right swing", I knew I had been right all along. With gritted teeth I listened to the rest of the album, and what an onerous task it was.

Therefore, a frisbee it became.

After chucking it round my yard for a bit with my dog, I began to ponder if perhaps, there was some use for Girlthing. After all, it made a fun frisbee, despite almost blinding my dog with it's reflectability (is that a word?).

With a bit of experimentation, I found it most useful slicing warm butter, as a coaster for my bottle of L&P, picking my teeth, sending messages using Morse Code, blinding bus drivers, spinning it on tabletops, using it as a 70's-style chest medallion and, finally, using it as a poor man's disco ball.

But as a CD of listenable music? Uh uh, no way buddy. Avoid in the same manner as you would avoid Suzanne Paul.