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Dear Harvey - Advice Column
Acknowledgements: Thank you for the fantastic e-mail from Peacekeeperchuck, Sailor_Fate, KimberlyBlue and Sailoraeryn. And keep those e-mails coming. This column depends on you, dear reader.
Disclaimer: Not mine, no profit, I’m keeping my day job.
Disclaimer #2: This is a parody of advice columns. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead or fictional person, past or present, is unintentional and is meant for entertainment only.
*Hey Harve, You’re up. It’s time for the column.* John broke my reverie.
*I’ll call you when I’m ready, John. Okay?* It would be really too much if he meddles this time. Of course, I opened the door for him last weeken, but fair is fair!
*Okay, but don’t take too long.* John left.
*Now let’s see what I have. Oooh-oooh, it’s the Dentic. I wonder how it’s progressing?*
Dear Harvey,
D-day is fast approaching the horizon. I have my mark lulled into a false sense of security. Before the deed is done I want to test the strength of our relationship. Should I have him crawl over hot coals, or eat ground glass to test his loyalties to myself?
Selfishly mine,
The Dentic
Dear Dentic,
Given you will find your ultimate reward in the mark’s mouth, I humbly suggest you eschew the ground glass option. And as for the "Hot Coals and the crawling over" - while it is immediately appealing, do you think this is subtle enough? I know you want to test your mark, but by doing something this abrupt, you could ultimately ruin your chances of success. Harkening back to the lobster example: if you bring a lobster (or Strannat) slowly to a boil, it will never notice it is being cooked for dinner. You want to lull your mark into this false sense of security you have so carefully planned, not sound the alarm. Therefore, disguise the bed of hot coals as a really comfy Lazy Boy ™ (it's a cushy chair that reclines if John's memory serves) and start with the coals being comfortably warm. This will work especially well if you can make the surroundings rather chilly, thus coercing the mark to seek the warmth and comfort of the coal bed. Then slowly bring it up to temperature while causing the mark to fantasize about you. At precisely the right moment, appear in the marks’ peripheral vision, and make yourself incredibly desirable. Your mark will be eating out of your hand in no time.
If you work this right, you can develop a co-dependency for you in the mark, guaranteeing a lifetime of pleasure for you. Be careful not to destroy him, instead, bring him gently and slowly along.
*I have to admit, this is one of the most satisfying correspondences I’ve ever had!* I lovingly stored the Dentic’s e-mail and moved to the next.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
I am a young adult, I won't say my age but I'm pretty young and I am going through these weird emotions. Lately I have been getting crushes on guys, normally that would be expected since there are some really hot guys where I am. But I like several guys at the present and I don't know which one I really like overall. What can I do to determine who I like and should I tell that person before its too late? I am afraid that he doesn't feel the same way about me. I need your help bad.
Love struck,
GuyCrazy
Dear GuyCrazy,
It's pretty clear to me that you have to try every guy, else how would you know which is the right one for you? To aid you in this, you will need a very good pocket organizer that's for your eyes only. It wouldn't do for them to find out about each other. Absolutely tell each that you really like him and show each just how much you care to eliminate the risk of being too late. Then, if you still can't decide one over the other, you will at least have a really full calendar.
You could always resort to a contest, but then each would have to know about the other, and that would spoil all your fun.
And if there is anyway I can help you personally dear, please let me know.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
I am a high-ranking military official with a serious problem. The standard uniforms are not made to accommodate my..."endowments." The outfit I wear tends to be very drafty and has earned me a few nasty nicknames. I have tried wearing larger earrings and elaborate hairstyles to attract attention to my face, but nothing seems to work. Any advice for an officer and a gentlewoman?
Mele-On G. in the Uncharted Territories
Dear Mele-on G.,
You say you are very high up in the organization? Yes? Well then, I suggest you turn all your attention and considerable sway to a redesign of the uniforms. After all, what good is power if it can't get you what you so deserve? No other project can be as important as the proper garb for military officers. This project must get the highest priority, and if other projects have to suffer, then so be it. Once you have the proper costume, it should become routine that your subordinates will cease peering down your cleavage and start looking up to your face!
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
I want to know one thing, what does it take to get my name in the opening CREDITS. IMO, I am a good actor, and just as good as that Ben "rocket-jockey I write my own scripts" Browder aka THE STAR. If my memory serves me right, I was hired way before he was. If I had wanted the part I could have easily have gotten it. Of course, being the seasoned actor that I am, it would have put to much pressure on the entire cast to have to live up to my caliber of acting. And of course, the other actors and my self have never mention the questionable nature in which Mr. Browder got the part *cough casting couch cough cough*
So I took the smaller part while Mr. Browder ad-libbed his way though the worst screen test that I have ever seen. But I hold no hard feelings towards Mr. Browder and his inability to act. But enough is enough. They are hiring actors and actresses left and right and making them stars of the show. IT INSANITY, if you have guest starred on three or more episodes, all of the sudden your name is in the credits. The people that I work for are Idiots. I've been on the show for three years now, and not one time have they approached me to do a Braca story. He has been a loyal Peacekeeper all of his life, and is trusted by Scorpius. But we know nothing about him. When is he going to get HIS back-story, when are they going to revile HIS relationship with Aeryn Sun? I'm not asking for a lot Harvey, I just want something more stabile. Not the possibility of being alive in one episode and then dead in the next. It's no way for a professional to work.
Signed
David Franklin
Dear David Franklin,
I have faithfully watched your scenes and what can I say? *YAWN* what are you seasoned with? Prozac? I mean, get over it and just do what you are told. Don't question authority.
*Sigh… John, you can come back. I’m done.*
*What’s the matter Harve? I left you alone this time, didn’t I?* John showed some uncharacteristic concern for me.
*Well, it’s this last letter; it got me thinking. I told the person to obey authority, and yet, that is what I’m doing, and I don’t like it. *
*Harve, I know you didn’t ask for this, but what can I do? I was here first. Besides, I thought you enjoyed these columns, and we do work well together when we have to.* John nuggied me.
*Stop it! I hate nuggies! Well, you know where to find me.* I could hear John laughing as I left.
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