Thoughts
yes...i do think
January 31, 2002
theri ek chuan se jaaga yeh kaisa ehsaas. pehley tho mehsoos hui na mujko aisi pyaaaaaaaas.....pehli pehli baar baliye, dil gayi haar, baliye. rabba meinu pyaaaar hogayaaaaa.....haayyyeee.....dil ka qaraar kho gayaa...hayeee.....dil ka karaar kho gayaaaaaaa........boley theri soni soni aanka mastaniaa....pyaar key liye yeh dengi laakhon kurbaania..karkey ek baar baliye, dil gaya haaar baliye. rabba meinu pyaar hogayaaa......hayeeee......dil ka qaraar kho gaya.....hayeeeee...dil ka karaar kho gaya......therey liye, therey liye...martha hai maaahiyaa...phir kyu judaai sey dil dartha hai maaahiyaa.......tumse jaani saaar baliye...dil gayi haar baliye...rabba meinu pyaar hogayaa....hayee...dil ka karaar kho gaayaa...hayee...dil ka karaar kho gaya. i hate myself for being in the state that i am currently in. the sad thing is, there is nothing i can do about it, and i know it shall only get worse with time. until summer, of course, when i shall have nothing to do. am i speaking of procrastination? or am i referring to something else? is my madness appearing again, or is this question game just so damn fun that i can't stop playing it? even my thoughts are turning into those like Ros and Guil, hence, the existentialist way of life is truly someting i can identify with now. damn ap lit to hell.
January 30, 2002
Today: we took '02 pictures.....hehehehahahaah......I TOOK MY FIRST PICTURE IN PHOTOGRAPHY!!!! ms. graves took us into the forbidden dark room which i never knew even existed...it was grand. thank god i got out of mrs. tyson's class. for whatever reason, i felt pretty sane today. be happy for me. hmm....what happened the rest of the day.......i saw this in someone's profile and liked it: Dil torna hi tha tu choraya kuuu :( not that it applies to any aspect of my life, of course, because my heart is pretty much intact and it shan't be stolen. (sigh) i can't even speak openly on my thoughts anymore because i know you people read it. i'm off to OD now to express my real thoughts.
January 29, 2002
so in lit today, we had socratic circle on the existentialist play Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead....this provided my mind with the catalyst it needed to get lost in my thoughts. i'm sick of everyone and everthing. let's play the question game. Why do i spend so much time worrying about everyone else's problems while mine just keep building up? Why do i continue to procrastinate and make things harder for myself for the sake of everyone else? Why should i ignore my life for the sake of others? why do i even give a damn? why can't i stop giving a damn? why can't i stop procrastinating? why can't i stop doing the things i know are bad for me? why can't i start doing what i know is right? why is doing the right thing always so hard? why is suraj hua maddham such a good song? why can't i be as awesome as everyone else in my life? why won't anyone ever love me? why can't i have the right to love without being seen as a hoe? does it truly matter what others think of me? why do i have to be so damn ugly? why do people have to be attractive anyways? in context with the big picture, does physical appearance truly weigh out what we are like on the inside? do our insides look just like our outsides? how would we know what our insides look like since if we can take a look into ourselves, the insides would become the outsides? then would the outside become the inside? what is truly inside, and what is truly our outside? what is life? why does it matter what grade i get on my ap cal quiz when people in this world are starving, dying, killing each other etc? when i die, will i remember the people in my life more or the things i did in my life? will i regret anything? can i live my life without regrets? is it possible that my life is all just one dream and that everyone else is just a fragment of my dream? why can't i focus on my own life without having everyone think i'm being selfish for not having the ability to share time with them? does my life really matter at all? when i die, will i be able to come back and watch everyone in my life, or will everyone die in my mind with my death? as my memory and mind cease to exist, will everyone else simply dissappear? i have to go do my book cards. statement. one : love
January 28, 2002
The worst feeling in the world is watching your heros fall from grace....it's a damn shame....oh yeah, i'll start updating the website whenever i get me some time...if you have any spare time lying around anywhere i'd be obliged if you shared some with me. i sick of people...i just damn done with it.......HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAMIE!!!! even though you won't read this..hehehahaha. upper crust was fun. ......thank you and have a pleasant twenty-four hours
January 27, 2002
my lips are chapped and white, and one of my eyes is swollen so i look like i have a lazy eye or something....hehehehe.......picture me in this state....i hope it makes you laugh. thank you and have a nice day.
January 26, 2002
ok....so we in atl currently. we spent all day shopping for indian/paky clothes for bhabi. anyhoo, it was grand. there's just something about shopping for other people that is so much grander than shopping for yourself. i got me an outfit too, though...MUAHAHAHAHHAHAHHA!!!!!! and so did mommy...double MUHAHAHAHAHHAH. oh yeah, and got outfit for the shaadi day. so i guess that would make it a triple MUUAHAHAHAHHAHAHHA!!! ok, i'm gonna shut up quietly now. ta ta.
January 25, 2002
This day was even better than the last. don't ask why, i cause i don't know. Ok, well, we had an "academic" pep rally today, and i must say, it was perhaps the best pep rally i've been to at this damn school. first and foremost, there was a slam dunk contest and although all the dunks sucked it was still fun watching and booing them all. i also got free icees at lunch so yay for me. currently, i's in the library for physics....physics= yaaaay in my book. but i'd rather not be sitting here like a loser.
January 24, 2002
I had a significantly better day than yesterday.
My Special Limerick for the Day:
there once was a man named joe
he was very po'
he thought about getting a job
but then he met a man named bob
and they both robbed a liquor sto
Thank you and have a nice day
January 23, 2002
I'm ugly. However, i used to be a beautiful 3 year old. somewhere between 3 and 18, someone abused me with an ugly stick. Thus, if you have a stick of normalcy lying around anywhere, i would be obliged if you would come beat me upside the head with it. Thank you and have a nice day.......................according to dreammoods, to see a child in your dream represents you inner child or the inner part of yourself that you are unaware of in the waking day. I dremt of a toddler with a sharp object in hand, stabbing a picture that the two of us were drawing together. Thus, my inner toddler-child is trying to murder me. I told you i was crazy. I doubt too many people have murderous inner children.
January 22, 2002
Dekha
Tum Ko Jabse Bas Dekha Tum Ko Yaara
Tum Se Koyi Achcha Hai Na Tum Se Koyi Pyaara
Yun Nazre Na Pheron Tum Mere Ho Mere Tum
Dekha Tum Ko Jabse Bas Dekha Tum Ko Yaara
Dekha Tum Ko Jabse Bas Dekha Tum Ko Yaara
Tum Se Koyi Achcha Hai Na Tum Se Koyi Pyaara
Yun Nazre Na Pheron Tum Mere Ho Mere Tum
Keh Do Na Keh Do Na You Are My Soniya
Keh Do Na Keh Do Na You Are My Soniya
Dekha Tum Ko Jabse Bas Dekha Tum Ko Yaara
Dekha Tum Ko Jabse Bas Dekha Tum Ko Yaara
Tum Se Koyi Achcha Hai Na Tum Se Koyi Pyaara
Yun Nazre Na Pheron Tum Mere Ho Mere Tum
Keh Diya Keh Diya You Are My Soniya
Keh Diya Keh Diya You Are My Soniya
Teri Mohabbat Mein Yeh Dil Deewana Hai
Is Mein Hain Meri Kya Khata
Haan Yeh Dil Churane Ka Achcha Bahana Hai
Mujhko Hai Pehle Se Pata
Milne Mein Humko Kitne Barson Lage Hain Yara
Aisi Khushi Ka Pal To Phir Na Aaye Dubaara
Aisi Khushi Mein Yaara Yeh Nasha Kya Kam Hoga
Keh Do Na Keh Do Na You Are My Soniya
Keh Diya Keh Diya You Are My Soniya
Pagal Banaya Hai Teri Adaaon Ne
Mujhko To Hai Tera Nasha
Maine Bhi Palko Mein Tum Ko Chupaaya Hai
Tu Mere Khwaabon Mein Basa
Betaabi Kehti Meri Aaja Baahon Mein Bhar Loon
Jeena Hai Teri Hoke Milke Yeh Vaada Kar Loon
Dono Ne Kasme Li Hain Pyaar Kabhi Na Kam Hoga
Keh Do Na Keh Do Na You Are My Soniya
Keh Diya Keh Diya You Are My Soniya
Dekha Tum Ko Jabse Bas Dekha Tum Ko Yaara
Tum Se Koyi Achcha Hai Na Tum Se Koyi Pyaara
Yun Nazre Na Pheron Tum Mere Ho Mere Tum
Keh Diya Keh Diya You Are My Soniya
Keh Diya Keh Diya You Are My Soniya
You Are My Soniya
January 21, 2002
the hole in my arm is currently oozing a clear, shiny liquid-like substance. However, the blackness around the crater is decreasing..........the following is shaz's profile... i liked it: "i know a guy who is really sweet, he is turning 21 , he is cute, handsome, smart, cool, nice, and very loving,and most important is dat he's gotta a great heart, he understands others troubles and feelings, he always makes u feel better, but the thing is he thinks he is a loser! how can a person soooo great and perfect be a loser???? i like him alot if u only knew him well enough u'd know y too." whoever can this person be??!??!?
January 20, 2002
shaadi, shaadi, shaadi, shaadi, shaadi, shaadi, shaadi, shaadi, shaadi, shaadi, shaadi, shaadi, shaadi, shaadi, shaadi, shaadi, shaadi, shaadi, shaadi, shaadi, shaadi, shaadi, shaadi, shaadi, shaadi, shaadi, mehndi, valima, shaadi, shaadi, shaadi, shaadi, shaadi, shaadi, joothey, kaprey, shaadi, shaadi, shaadi, shaadi, shaadi, shaadi, shaadi, shaadi, azzi, farheen, shaadi, shaadi, shaadi, shaadi, shaadi, shaadi, shaadi, shaadi, shaadi, shaadi, shaadi, shaadi, shaadi, shaadi, shaadi, shaadi, shaadi, shaadi.
January 19, 2002
yesterday in lit, we learned about the concept of exhistentialist plays. The following are my notes on the subject. Existentialism-"Theater of the Absurd" holds that individuals must struggle to create their own meaning and morals in the absence of any absolute values. Absurd does not mean ridiculous, but "out of harmony."The following are concepts of existentialism. 1) They cannot find any meaning in life, thus they are always waiting for someone or something to come along and give them meaning or direction. However, the world is absurd, so no reassurance ever arrives. They seem pathetic, even idiotic, as they fumble about the world. We often pity them. 2) With the lack of trust, love, honesty, and human emotion, it is possible for moral order to break down. 3) The ability to tell right from wrong often dissipates. 4) Absurdist theater consists of no guiding or controlling principles. Creates a dramatic world empty of any significane or horizon, in a word, an absurd world. 55) Protagonists in absurd theater do not and cannot understand the world. They are confused about the world and their role in it. I have come to the conclusion that i am a mere protagonist in an existentialist, absurd life.
January 18, 2002
I'm tired of everything. I'm afraid for myself and my own sanity because as the days go by, it's getting harder and harder for me to recognize myself as i am slowly...no, rapidly progressing towards the wonderfully appealing world of insanity. I don't go anywhere, i don't do anything....no boyfriends, no drugs....but good grades....hell, i don't even talk on the phone and for a while there, i didn't even argue with my parents. But they had to go and screw things over. what the hell do they want from me?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!!??? I don't go ANYWHERE and i don't do ANYTHING, all i fucking need is the internet so i can talk to my family who keeps me sane....thus no internet, no sane uzma....uzma sit in room all day looking at old family albums and crying while comparing the way the family used to be as opposed to the way it is now. Uzma lies on her floor in the fetal position for hours hoping to sleep in order to escape her own clouded, truly manical mind, however, i can't even do that. i can't do anything.....i can't fucking DO ANYTHING!!! I'm tired of having to tip-toe through life trying not do anything that would make my parents mad....i'm tired of fearing myself and my own actions because of my parents.....i'm tired of being told what to do 24/7 and being turned into such a dependent fool that even if i wanted to go away, i couldn't because i wouldn't know how to....and most of all i'm tired of not being able to escape the knowledge of who i've become.....i can't escape from myself....i'm tired of knowing that i can't do anything, that i'm stuck...and i will be stuck for my entire fucking life because i'm the type of person that can't do anything about anything because i'm always caged like a bitch at the dog pound. help me.
January 17, 2002
less than a month......yaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. currently brain dead in the library. help me.............I'M GOING TO UGA AND DON'T TRY TO CHANGE MY MIND......yesterday when i gave blood, the woman created a massive hole in my arm with that damn needle...if it can be considered a needle, for it looked more like a big pen or something. anyhoo, the region around the crater in my arm is now bruised so bad that it's black. maybe if it gets infected, i can sue the blood center and get enough money to move out of this house. yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay for that pleasant thought.
January 16, 2002
lalallala
January 15, 2002
ONE MONTH TO GOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Zippadi doo da.
Random question of the day: "Picture me at school....what am i doing?"
Moon: "talking to ur friends...at lunch, or before class starts."
Our innocent little Shazia Ansari: "i picture u in da corner with me (smooch)."
January 14, 2002
Chandu ke chachey ney Chandu ke chachi ko Chandi Chowk mein chandni ke chamchey sey chatni chatai.......i practiced it in the car on the way to school this morning...hehe. I spent the day in a stupor of confusion and mystification.....it's just so completely surreal being in school.....switching from desiness over the weekend and then back to americaness during the weekday is just really weird. i also just sat in cal today pondering why i was there.....why was i chosen to be there at that particular instant in time.....see...i remain in this dream like state basically all day in school....others see this as my being slow, stupid, and/or absent minded. however, in reality, it is the complexity and depth of my thoughts that makes me seem that way....APPEARANCE VS. REALITY!!!! UH OH!!! HAMLET IN THE HOUSE!! i just can't seem to keep my mind on anything we do in school because the stuff in my mind seems more important...with the shaadi and family and this and that...antiderivatives just don't seem to have any significance....maybe i should go lie down now.
January 13, 2002
dooody dooody dooo.
January 12, 2002
Today i saw K3G........style.....and the mummy....then i saw snl. it was a productive day caged in the room.
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January 11, 2002
our puppet show was the shizzz!!! I think it's about time to explain to those intelligence inclined individuals who make my life haram why it is that i spend time on the internet. The sole reason for my spending my life in front of the computer is because i need some fucking interaction with HUMAN BEINGS!! All i wanna do is have a fucking relationshipe with my brothers before they all get married off and become busy w/ their own families....all i wanna fucking do is be able to have relationships with the my cousins who are the younger siblings i've never had....all i wanna do, god dammit, is do SOMETHING besides sit at home and watch tv all day...because as we all know, uzma can never go anywhere within a 10 foot radius of her house because uzma is a caged bitch in this hell hole....the type of hell hole where no matter how much you try to be good and do the right thing, it's never good enough because everyone else is still fucking better than you....even though they are the ones who do drugs and mess around and have sex....i am the bad one because all i wanna do is decrease a little bit of my enormous sense of lonliness in a house hold where there is no one to talk to....perhaps if i started doing all those things perhaps i can be accepted for once in this shitty place.
January 10, 2002
in suraj hua maddham...what the hell does maddham mean? perhaps since "chand jalney laga" means the moon started to burn, then perhaps maddham is a contrast to the burning moon and it means to freeze....so the sun started to freeze?!?! someone help me out here...me
tired...me needs some sleep. i can't even think, i'm so tired. time
for some lyrics of some sorts....since the following is on the winamp, i shall
put up the words, even though i've prolly already done so on some previous
entry, i don't know or care:
Zamane
Mein Sabhie Ko
Milte Hain Gham Tum Na Ghabrana
Yahan Har Raat Ki Subhah Hai Hamdam
Tum Na Ghabrana
Zamane Mein Sabhie Ko
Milte Hain Gham Tum Na Ghabrana
Chura Lo Tum Khushi Ke Pal
Muqaddar Ke Khazane Se
Bhala Tab Door Hote Hain
Yeh Gham Aansoon Banane Se
Tumhaare Saath Hona Ho Yeh Aalam
Tum Na Ghabrana
Zamane Mein Sabhie Ko
Milte Hain Gham Tum Na Ghabrana
Sambhal Jaao Sambhal Jaao
Abhi Gir Ke Sambhalna Hai
Utho Vaade Nibhane Hain
Utho Kuch Door Chalna Hain
Chalenge To Manzil Payenge
Tum Na Ghabrana
Zamane Mein Sabhie Ko
Milte Hain Gham Tum Na Ghabrana
Yahan Har Raat Ki Subhah Hai Hamdam
Tum Na Ghabrana
January 9, 2002
I don't even remember the day.
January 8, 2002
I was presented with my very own rubber ducky today...ever since i was a young tyke and watched ernie break it down to the magical rubber ducky song(rubber ducky, you're the one! You make bathtime so much fun!), i've always wanted one of my own. Thank you daniel for making my childhood dream come true. :)
Say
Shava Shava Say Shava Shava
Say Shava Shava Say Shava Shava
Roop Hai Tera Sona Soni Teri Payal
Roop Hai Tera Sona Sona Soni Teri Payal
Chanchana Chhan Aise Chhanke Karde Sab Ko Ghayal
Keh Raha Aankhon Ka Kaajal Ishq Mein Jeena Marna
Say Shava Shava
Mahiya Say Shava Shava
Mahiya Say Shava Shava
Mahiya Say Shava Shava
Roop Hai Mera Sona Soni Meri Payal
Roop Hai Mera Sona Sona Soni Meri Payal
Chanchana Chhan Aise Chhanke Karde Sab Ko Ghayal
Hey Keh Raha Aankhon Ka Kaajal Ishq Mein Jeena Marna
Say Shava Shava
Mahiya Say Shava Shava
Mahiya Say Shava Shava
Mahiya Say Shava Shava
Mahiya We Aaja Maahi Mahiya We Aaja
Mahiya We Aaja Maahi Mahiya We Aaja
Mahiya We Aaja Maahi Mahiya We Aaja
Mahiya We Aaja Maahi Mahiya We Aaja
Say Shava
Aaja Gori Nachle Ay Shava Nachle We Nachle Ay Shava
Aaja Gori Nachle Ay Shava Nachle We Nachle Ay Shava
Dekha Tenu Pehli Pehli Baar We Hone Laga Dil Bekaraar We
Raba Mainu Ki Ho Gaya Dil Jaaniye Haay Mainu Ki Ho Gaya
Sun Ke Teri Baatein Sone Yaar We Mahi Mainu Tere Naal Pyaar We
Hay Main Mar Jaawa Dil Jaaniye Haay Main Mar Jaawa
Say Shava Shava
Mahiya Say Shava Shava
Mahiya Say Shava Shava
Bhangda Say Shava Shava
In Kadmon Mein Saasein Waar De Rab Se Bhi Zyaada Tujhe Pyaar De
Rabba Maino Maaf Karen Rabba Khair Ya Hai Maino Maaf Karen
Tum To Meri Jind Meri Jaan We Meri Tu Zameen Hai Aasmaan We
Tujh Bin Main Ki Kara Rabba Khair Ya Haay Wa Main Ki Kara
Say Shava Shava
Mahiya Say Shava Shava
Mahiya Say Shava Shava
Bhangda Say Shava Shava
Roop Hai Tera Sona Sona Soni Teri Payal
Chanchana Chhan Aise Chhanke Karde Sab Ko Ghayal
Keh Raha Aankhon Ka Kaajal Ishq Mein Jeena Marna
Say Shava Shava
Mahiya Say Shava Shava
Mahiya Say Shava Shava
Mahiya Say Shava Shava
Say Shava Shava
Mahiya Say Shava Shava
Mahiya Say Shava Shava
Bhangda Say Shava Shava
January 7, 2002
i got a packet of jelly belly's in the mail today....SOOOOO much cooler than getting a letter from tech. :-p umm.....why exactly did i want to go back to school so badly? oh YEAAAAH...i missed all the stress that caused my hypertension....why of COURSE!!!! and i love the fact that all my teachers have started cracking down on giving us work....even ms. graves.....hip hip hooray for the stress in my life. eh, well, it could be worse.
January 6, 2002
we drove......meri zindagiiii mein, ajnabee ka intezaar hai. mein kya karoo? ajnabee se mujhe pyaar hai. anyone know the title of the song or what movie it's from, for the love of goodness, let me know....me shall download....hmmm...perhaps its from the movie ajnabee...hmmmm...perhaps.
January 5, 2002
wedding: spledid
January 4, 2002
we drove a lot.
January 3, 2002
snow, snow, snow, snow, snow....i was a trifle sad in the morning, cause i REALLY wanted to go play outside...but there was no one to play with. :( however, after chiseling the ice off of the van and shoveling snow off of the driveway, i figured i could have fun on my own. hence, i made me a snow-angel, and a midget snowman w/ his tongue sticking out. now i'm sore as hell and i need foot massage. ok...so i miss them. i never thought i would, but since i'm a dumb, i do. see...this is why i need school. school helps to hinder my thoughts...thus, when i don't think, i can't feel. the songs from yeh zindagi ka safar are grand....go get em....hmm..maybe i can find some lyrics to put here:
Zamane
Mein Sabhie Ko
Milte Hain Gham Tum Na Ghabrana
Yahan Har Raat Ki Subhah Hai Hamdam
Tum Na Ghabrana
Zamane Mein Sabhie Ko
Milte Hain Gham Tum Na Ghabrana
Chura Lo Tum Khushi Ke Pal
Muqaddar Ke Khazane Se
Bhala Tab Door Hote Hain
Yeh Gham Aansoon Banane Se
Tumhaare Saath Hona Ho Yeh Aalam
Tum Na Ghabrana
Zamane Mein Sabhie Ko
Milte Hain Gham Tum Na Ghabrana
Sambhal Jaao Sambhal Jaao
Abhi Gir Ke Sambhalna Hai
Utho Vaade Nibhane Hain
Utho Kuch Door Chalna Hain
Chalenge To Manzil Payenge
Tum Na Ghabrana
Zamane Mein Sabhie Ko
Milte Hain Gham Tum Na Ghabrana
Yahan Har Raat Ki Subhah Hai Hamdam
Tum Na Ghabrana
January 2, 2002
i was rather peppy all day. it was strange...i had forgotten what it was like to talk over the course of the past...what, 2 and a half weeks w/ folks that made me feel like an ass whenever i spoke....hence, it was a bit weird in the morning...come afternoon, i went crazy. SNOOOOOOOOOOWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! good gracious...only 6 weeks left till d-day...or shall i say hmm...s-day?!? my feet are cold...i can't feel my toes....my lips are cracking, my skin is dry and flaky and my sinuses are going nuts...however, snow fills me with an indescribable sense of joy....it reminds me of chicago...and being a kid, playing with my brothers in the snow....you know, the "good old days" that went by in a flash, never to return...only to haunt...and sadden...hmm...wait...snow's supposed me make me happy, dammit!!
January 1, 2002
Everyone left today....i'm a trifle sad. :( however, i get to go back to school tomorrow......back to failing ap cal quizzes....and those endless book-cards....and essays..............and oh dear god....mrs. tyson's class.
