Jason Ross is taping up his hands before battle against Pain Express. Village Idiot is quivering nearby and he is making odd squealing noises. Ross looks annoyed but he keeps taping his hands at a slow meticulous pace. Village Idiot sits down cross-legged and begins to scrub his fingers through his beard. The door opens and Dynamite Newton pops his head in the door.)

Newton: Hey Little Miss. Hey, nice lap dog! I thought Village Idiot was fired?
Ross: He was. But he can still come to the ring with me. He’s very faithful. Like… well, a lap dog.
Newton: Your methods are weak, and that will result in your termination tonight.
Ross: Man, shut your pie hole.
Newton: Little Miss, I must suggest you tread lightly when in the vicinity of DYNAMITE!
Village Idiot: BE QUIET YOU--
Ross: VI, shut the Hell up. Only speak when spoken to.
Village Idiot: Yes boss.
Newton: You guys are pathetic.

(Newton goes to prepare for his match. Ross, just shakes his head angrily and scrubs his nose.)

Jimmy: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!!! Welcome to UWA Survivor II!!!! Here in beautiful Vancouver British Columbia!
Rudolph: We have tons of goodness for you tonight!
Jimmy: Tommy Bradley makes his glorious return to the UWA and damn! It’s good to see you here Bruiser!
Rudolph: Lou Carbo and Bruiser, toe-to-toe, in this ring, in this arena!
Jimmy: You’re hyping this up like it’s going to be a good match Rudy!
Rudolph: With Lou Carbo’s performance last week, this will be nothing but an exhibition for Tommy Bruiser tonight.
Jimmy: Lou Carbo’s nursing some serious burns to his head. But he’s a fighter! And he’s coming out tonight to the show the fans, burnt head-in-all!
Rudolph: Jason Ross is going to be accompanied by none-other than Village Idiot when he squares up against Pain Express.
Jimmy: Pain Express is coming off a loss from a legend versus legend match and Jason Ross is coming off a loss from a sensation versus sensation match.
Rudolph: Johnny Damage is bringing his brand of smash against the likes of Chainsaw Masaca.
Jimmy: It’s kinda surprising to see Damage advance in this type of tournament, Rudy but we saw Bomber come in as a substitute replacing Village Idiot at the last minute.
Rudolph: Well see if Masaca’s chainsaw can overpower Damage’s Singapore Cane!
Jimmy: This will be the most exciting match of the night, Rudy. Dynamite Newton and Hardcore Hogan kickin it off for tonight!

(Creighton Duke is walking down the hallway when he confronts Hardcore Hogan)

Hardcore Hogan: Well, if it isn’t Creighton Duke? The man who gave me the poorest interview ever.
Creighton Duke: Hogan, are you still feeling one-hundred and ten percent?
Hardcore Hogan: (looks at Creighton Duke) One-hundred and ten percent!
Creighton Duke: (looks at Hardcore Hogan) One-hundred and ten percent!?!
Hardcore Hogan: ONE HUNDRED AND TEN PER CENT!
Creighton Duke: Well, ok folks. Hardcore Hogan is one-hundred and ten percent for this match-up!
Hardcore Hogan: You know something DUKE! You remind me of a man I once work with. His name is Mean Jean, Jim Oakerlund! There’s only one difference in between you two brotha.
Creighton Duke: What’s that Hogan?
Hardcore Hogan: Now Mean Jean could conduct an interview. You’re less than a work in progress.
Creighton Duke: Back to you Jimmy and Rudy!

(Back at the arena, “Changes” by 2pac blasts into the ears of the thousands of fans in attendance. Dynamite Newton appears at the entrance way and raises his arms in the air. The crowd explodes as the charismatic Dynamite Newton smacks two beers together and chugs away. The fans love Dynamite Newton as he enters the ring.)

Jimmy: Dynamite Newton is irritating the hell out of Jason Ross and his two cronies by calling them little misses.
Rudolph: Newton is bringing his own brand to the UWA Survivor 2!

(The guitar strings of Voodoo Child are plucked as Hardcore Hogan walks down the aisle with his boa around him. The crowd really digs this 60-year old as he marches to the ring. Hogan points directly at Dynamite Newton and the fans go wild. He shakes his head and his stringible cheese hair swings right to left. He has a mic in hand.)

Hardcore Hogan: Well you know something brah! I am going to show everyone what a Grandpa can do. Dynamite Newton, when I hit my greasy leg drop, you’ll be calling me daddy!

(The bell sounds! Dynamite Newton comes out swinging with his firecracker-of-a-left-fist. Hogan takes the concussive blow to the skull and staggers. Newton focuses on the old temples of Hogan as he smashes away like he were a lumberjack chopping a tree. Hogan falls down and Newton goes for a quick cover.)

1…Hogan throws Newton off of him like a urine soaked blanket.

(Hogan gets up and and whips Newton into the corner. Newton turns around and gets decapitated by a killer clothesline! Hogan poses and the fans go wild! Hogan continues to pose until Newton stirs. Hogan remembers the match and lowers the boots onto Newton’s midsection! Hogan is shaking with adrenaline and the Hulkamaniacs are fueling his fire!)

(Hogan scoops Newton up and places him in a sitting position on the top rope! Hogan goes for an atomic suplex off the top! Hogan is shaking as he leans back in the suplex and Newton capitalizes, by turning in mid-air and crashing on Hogan for a high impact pin!)

1…2…This time Hogan throws Newton off like he were a dirty syringe.

(Hogan gets back up quickly and Newton goes for a flying cross body! Hogan snares him out of the air and slams him to the ground with a spinning power slam! Newton is out of commission and Hogan races for the turnbuckle and quickly unravels it! HOLY CHRIST! A used diaper is now the weapon of choice for Hardcore Hogan as he smears the excrement of the diaper on Newton’s face and neck! Newton stirs and realizes that he is covered in human feces! Newton rolls out of the ring screaming!)

(Hogan laughs and poses down for a bit! Newton looks for something to wipe himself off with outside the ring and Hogan greedily unfastens the second turnbuckle! Hogan grins like an aged old man would as he reveals the mystery item…. Bubble water! Hogan dips the dipper and blows beautiful bubbles throughout the ring! Hogan spins like a child in a field full of butterflies and then he licks the top turnbuckle.)

(Meanwhile, outside the ring, Dynamite Newton wipes the yellow-tinted baby waste off his face and neck with a fan’s bandana! Newton is angry and he gets back into the ring. Hogan goes for an axe handle smash, but Newton delivers an expertly placed low blow to Hogan’s left testicle and Hardcore Hogan’s body seems to shut down. Newton places Hogan on his back and executes a vicious rebel rack! Hogan squirms, but Newton is too strong to release the grip.)

Jimmy: Hogan had a good run, but it looks like he won’t escape this rebel rack.
Rudolph: Plus, I think I can see his left testicle swelling from here! It’s like a tennis ball!

(Hogan is kicking like a donkey and the ref takes a size 16 boot to the chin and drops like a sack of hammers! At this moment, Hogan taps out, but the ref is unconscious!!! Chris Bomber runs to the ring and in one fluid movement mounts the top rope and dives towards Newton! Newton turns and unfortunately Hogan takes the brunt of the blow! Bomber is shocked and Newton charges him! The two begin to brawl and Newton is cleaning house!)

(Hogan scampers to the next turnbuckle and reveals… A pair of tweasers!! Hogan runs and goes to deliver a big boot and knocks Newton down from behind! Newton is out from the big boot and Bomber is celebrating in the ring! Bomber goes to leave and Hogan grabs him by the arm. Bomber turns around and takes a big boot to the face and tumbles to the outside! Bomber is resting on the ground near the soiled bandana. Hogan uses the tweasers to pull a few nose hairs from Dynamite Newton! Hogan begins posing down again!)

(Hogan goes to the final turnbuckle and a hazelnut is present. Using great strength, Hogan crushes it with his hand and consumes the nut within for a quick “pick-me-up”. Hogan has the power of a million hulkamaniacs behind him as Newton gets to his feet and prepares to renew the assault! Using stunning speed, Hogan drops Newton with another Big Boot and signals for the Greasy Leg Drop! Hogan bounces off the ropes and delivers his patented finisher and goes for the cover!!)

(No Ref! Hogan gets up and slaps the ref to revive him. The ref slowly makes the count!)

1……2……Newton kicks out from the groggy referee’s slow count! Hogan looks shocked and scared! He shakes his head from side to side, looking at the fans while flaring out his sinewy moustache!

Jimmy: OH MY! Newton just kicked out of Hogan’s finisher!
Rudolph: OH C’MON! That was a slow count Jimmy!

(Hardcore Hogan panics. He rebounds off the ropes and attempts a leg drop. Dynamite Newton rolls out of the way and Hogan crashes into the mat! Hogan lies on the ground holding his swollen testicle! Hogan is rolling in pain! Newton seizes the moment! He drops a heavy foot on Hogan’s groin to further add discomfort. Extreme discomfort. Newton picks Hogan up who is holding his scrotum like it was a piece of gold. Newton snares Hogan up for a Full Nelson forward sweep and slams Hogan’s bald head into the canvas! Hogan is bleeding all over the places, but one thick, meaty hand is protecting his sac while Newton scoops him up for a pin!)

1…2…3! Dynamite Newton defeats Hardcore Hogan! Newton celebrates while the fans are going nuts! Newton clangs two beers together and guzzles like a man who just went back to alcoholism. Newton heads backstage and already, Bryan Deverot is in the ring helping Hogan to the backstage area. Hogan is hobbling backstage and his marbles are very swollen.)

Jimmy: Hogan’s sac looks destroyed!! He has to compete again later tonight! WILL he be able to compete later tonight!?
Rudolph: Hogan will need immediate medical assistance
Jimmy: That match was sick. We’ll keep you posted on Hogan’s scrotum.
Rudolph: When WE know something about Hogan’s scrotum… YOU’LL know something about Hogan’s scrotum.

(The scene opens with Johnny Damage puffing smoke from his lit cigarette. The fans give a light cheer from the background)

Rudolph: Hey, Alexis is back with Johnny Damage! As you all recall, she was Johnny Damage’s valet at the last UWA Survivor.

Johnny Damage: Hey Alexis, did you see that?
Alexis: Yea, don’t let that happen to you Johnny.
Johnny Damage: Ha ah ah! (points at the monitor) Hey look! They’re showing the groin punching in slow-motion!

(Damage anxiously watches the monitor as they role the footage over and over. Hardcore Hogan limps by the locker room of Johnny Damage with Bryan Deverot and enters Damage’s party central)

Hardcore Hogan: (in a faint voice) Well you know something brah! I can’t take those groin shots like I used to!
Johnny Damage: (laughs)

(Tommy Bradley walks by and notices his two friends from the old UWA- Bryan Deverot and Hardcore Hogan. Shaking his head and feeling sympathetic towards the Hardcore Icon)

Tommy Bradley: Hey Hogan, I just saw you take the low blow. Tough break man!
Johnny Damage: (just sits down and laughs)
Bryan Deverot: Hey, it’s not funny guys! We’ve all taken our fair share of shots to the groin.
Tommy Bradley: Yea, but you’re paralyzed below the neck. You won’t even feel it.
Bryan Deverot: It’s the principle of the matter! Testicles are sacred.
Hardcore Hogan: Listen Dudes, I gotta go see a doctor.

(With that said, Hardcore Hogan limps away from party central holding his groin.)

Johnny Damage: I am on a team with that hardcore lunatic! I’ll give him credit. He definitely brings an old school flare.
Tommy Bradley: I have to go wrestle Lou Carbo.
Johnny Damage: May the better man win.

[BACK TO THE ARENA]

(You stand before this court accused of heresy and witchcraft. How do you plead? DIDN’T DO IT! Guilty! Cradle of Filth begins to hammer out in the arena and the fans go buck-wild! Tommy “Bruiser” Bradley steps from the curtains with a beer keg! Bradley steps onto the keg and basks in the warmth of the fans admiration. Bradley rolls the keg to the ring and Bradley is pulling on the ropes and getting the fans to a fever pitch! The original legend of the UWA is back!)

(“Stone Cold Crazy” begins and the burnt up warrior known as Insane Lou Carbo steps from the curtains and strokes his 2 x 4 for the fans. Carbo tries to get the fans all riled up, but they are already in a-frenzy from the return of Tommy Bradley! Lou Carbo rubs the horrible burns on his head and gets into the ring grumpily.)

(Tommy Bradley drops Carbo with a boot to the gut and Carbo keels over. Carbo is on his hands and knees, and using great strength, Bradley scoops him up for a gut-wrench powerbomb! Carbo hits the ground like a heavy rock. Tommy Bradley gets the fans involved by clapping his hands. The fans start a clapping momentum for Bruiser as he charges off the ropes and levels Carbo with Fatu-flip style clothesline! Carbo is turned inside out and lies flat on his face like-a-pancake.)

Jimmy: Look at the power of Bradley!
Rudolph: He’s come here to play! He’s back Jimmy! Can you believe this? That’s Bradley in the ring!

(The fans keep a steady clap as Bradley hoists Carbo high in the air and drops with a lowdown. Bradley with tremendous strength grabs the legs of Carbo and places him into the tree of woe. Bradley starts his engines like a freight train… and with the speed of a million of elephants Bradley charges head first in the stomach of Lou Carbo. Carbo drops on the mat as Bradley gets huge ovation from the crowd. Bradley smiles and lifts Carbo to his feet and lifts him up for a suplex! Bradley drops Carbo straight down into a cradled piledriver!!)

Jimmy: SOUTH TROY STOMP!!! SOUTH TROY STOMP!!

(Bradley goes for the pin!)

1…2…3! Tommy Bradley walks over Lou Carbo!!

Rudolph: Tommy Bradley made quite the impact tonight! He absolutely whalloped Carbo!
Jimmy: Good to see the legend back and at em’.

(Bradley rolls outside and grabs the beer keg! Carbo is lying in his own fluids and Bradley heaves the beer keg over his head and slams it down with great amplitude on Lou Carbo’s face! Carbo barely reacts as his body goes limp.)

Rudolph: I haven’t been looking forward to commentating this one Jimmy. How about you?
Jimmy: If I was a fan, I would definitely go for my beer break.

(The theme song for Pain Express beings to play and a silhouette of a man with a chair can only be seen.)

Jimmy: This is a tough man with a serious agenda Rudy.
Rudolph: I can still remember his match against Johnny Damage last year… It was a bang if you know what I mean.

(The light shines upon the face of Pain Express and he scrunches his face up like a gremlin. The fans cheer on this bulky-looking athlete as he struts his stuff in the ring, chair-in-hand)

(Green Day beings to play and the arena goes buck-wild for Jason “the Sensation” Ross.)

Rudolph: Jason is coming off a hard-loss from his match against Paul Duffy last card in Vancouver.
Jimmy: I have tons of confidence in Jason Ross that he’ll go all the way in UWA Survivor 2. Hang ON!!! Who’s that behind him?

(The Village Idiot appears from the curtains and walks beside his leader Jason Ross.)

Rudolph: It’s a hierarchy of wrestlers. Jason Ross is at the top, then comes Lou Carbo and then comes Village Idiot.
Jimmy: So what you’re saying is that Village Idiot is much like a slave to Jason Ross?
Rudolph: Yes. Yes I am.

(The Village Idiot starts clapping his hands in his orange and yellow outfit and he can actually get the fans pumped! Village Idiot rushes to ring and starts tapping his foot creating a beat for the fans to clap. Jason Ross raises his arms at the side turnbuckle and the fans explode for this fine young athlete!)

Jimmy: Village Idiot lacks ability, Rudy, but he sure can get the fans jacked!

(Pain Express is growling like a lion as he wildly charges at Jason Ross with a chair-in-hand. Village Idiot catches this in the corner of his eye and pushes Jason Ross away from the chair-shot! Pain Express misses Ross and hits the ropes with his chair! The rebound back from his own-chair-shot recoils back in his own Pain Express-like skull! Express drops to the ground like a 300-pound-bag of potatoes. Village Idiot leaves the ring and Jason Ross goes for the quick cover!)

1…2… (Pain Express mustards a kick out!)

Jimmy: Pfff.

(Express lies in the center of the ring as Village Idiot and Jason Ross both climb the turnbuckles at the opposite ends. Village Idiot and Jason Ross at the exact same time both deliver five-star-frog-splash. Express convulses on the ground. Village Idiot and Ross give each other high fives with the fans roaring in the background!)

Jimmy: Yea. Hey Ref. Village Idiot isn’t even part of this.
Rudolph: I, um, don’t think that he cares Jimmy.

(Ross groups up Express from the ground and tosses him into the ropes. The Ref who was obviously sleeping gets hit and is sent like a rolling-thunder into the mat. Pain Express falls to the outside and Jason Ross perches on the top turnbuckle. Express slowly gets back to his feet on the outside of the ring and Ross starts running on the top rope! With perfect balance Ross rocks Express like a hurricane by catching him into a DDT on the concrete floor! Village Idiot loves every second of it. He feeds on the roaring crowd! Village Idiot like Jason-Ross’s-personal-slave, scoops up Pain Express and throws him into the ring.)

Jimmy: Uh no. I’ve seen this before.

(Village Idiot sets up Pain Express close to the turnbuckle and holds him down. Jason Ross mounts the turnbuckle for his fourth time so far!)

Jimmy: Jason Ross is THE high flyer! He hasn’t missed yet!

(Jason Ross, like an astronaut-defying-gravity-in-space, explosively jumps into the air landing his patented Shooting-Star-Press from the first rope! The fans eat it up! Now Village mounts the FIRST rope within seconds of the shooting star press and lands a frog splash on the corpse known as Pain Express. Jason Ross now mounts the second rope and completes a second shooting star-press! Village Idiot within seconds lands his five-star frog splash from the SECOND ROPE! Jason Ross now mounts the top rope and raises his hands in the air like the Greek God Zeus. He completes his patented shooting-star-press with authority and Pain Express bounces on the ground. Blood oozes from internal bleeding. Village Idiot now climbs the top rope and the Ref is slowly reviving. Jason Ross pushes the Village Idiot off the top rope to hide their cheating and he lands on the concrete ground! Jason Ross goes for the cover!

Jimmy: This match is over. Get a stretcher.

1…2…3 (Jason Ross destroys the UWA legend Pain Express with three straight shooting star presses from different ropes and with a little help from Pain Express.)

Rudolph: Now. Was that a good time to get your beer.
Jimmy: I stand corrected. Jason Ross pounded Pain Express into oblivion! He literally tore the ground from underneath him Rudy!

(Jason Ross drops to his knees and raises his arms in the air. Village Idiot, completely subordinated, poses behind Jason Ross by flexing his muscles. The flash photography goes wild.)

(EMT’s bring their equipment. Jason Ross and Village Idiot depart. “The Indiana Terminator” Pain Express, groggily stands up and spits out a litre of blood. He denies the assistance of the EMT’s. He casually pushes them aside and gathers his blue-chair.)

Jimmy: What a tough SOB.

Jimmy: We saw an exciting one last week with Johnny Damage and Chris Bomber last week, Rudy.
Rudolph: That was an amazing fight to see in such an early slot of this tournament.
Jimmy: Damage nearly cracked Bomber’s skull in like a hard-boiled egg with that Riot Driver and likewise for Bomber. Bomber insanely capitalized with a modified Bombs Away into a Rude Awakening nearly turning Damage into a cripple.
Rudolph: And now they’re forced to compete together for one single UWA Survivor ring!

(I THINK. THEY SHOOT. ‘CAUSE THEY WANT IT!!!!! President Kingsly raises his arms in the air as the fans detonate for one-half of the presidential executives of the Ultimate Wrestling Alliance. Kingsly walks to the ring with a look of determination and is tossed a microphone.)

President Kingsly: Now this is the classic case of a common denominator. For those of you who have never taken a math course in your life, we have two hardcore wrestlers and we have one normal style match.

(Kingsly rubs his chin)

President Kingsly: Now this isn’t right. This match is now deemed hardcore rules. Johnny Damage and Chainsaw Masaca! TONIGHT! RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW.

(Kingsly tosses the mic to the outside and waits in the ring.)

(“Hardcore Hooligan” by Business begins to blare and the beautiful Alexis emerge from the curtains with the skimpiest possible Mrs. Clause uniform that’s aloud on tv. She raises her tiny arms into the air and points back to Johnny Damage who snarls at the camera.)

Rudolph: What’s this that Damage is dragging behind him?
Jimmy: It looks like a santa clause bag of gifts!

(Johnny Damage drags a heavy sac of miscellaneous items to the ring. Damage and Alexis step into the ring and just like last card, Kingsly and Damage spark up a conversation. President Kingsly puts out his hand and Johnny Damage shakes it while giving his patented snarl. Alexis is showing off her assets.)

(LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LET’S GET READY TO RU---- DESTROY!!! Just Bring it! “Suck It Up” by HED begins to play and Chainsaw Masaca walks to the ring with a chainsaw in hand. He pulls a string and the chainsaw wildly is swung around as the fans go wild! Masaca makes it to the ring and starts cutting up a piece of the canvas! The canvas slowly is split and the chainsaw is stuck in the hard-canvas! Chainsaw Masaca tries to pull it out and Damage finds his opportunity to strike. He runs and springs off the ropes and lands a drop-kick on the top of Chainsaw Masaca’s head! Masaca somersaults backwards letting go of his precious chainsaw!)

Jimmy: The Ultimate Wrestling Alliance is getting crazier and crazier! We saw Hogan before pulling out secret hidden turnbuckle weapons! And now Chainsaw Masaca is chopping the ring up like a piece of lumber with his chainsaw!)
Rudolph: What are we going to see next, maybe an astronaut falling down here from a space shuttle!
Jimmy: Well there was Trent Greene a former astronaut we had in the UWA.
Rudolph: SHUT UP.

(Johnny Damage reaches into his bag of goodies and pulls out two frying pans! Damage starts pretending like there’s a stove and just for laughs he pretends to flip a pancake! Masaca gets off the ground and is clanged by two frying pans! Masaca backs up all the way to the entrance way and Damage runs back to his bag of goodies. There are two long strands of barbed wire. Alexis comes into the aid of Johnny Damage and starts tangling Damage up with barbed wire. She secures a knot with a tight fit and Chainsaw Masaca comes in with a stomach shot! But Masaca earns a gash for his efforts from the barbed wire!)

Rudolph: Barbed wire is a good source of defense and offense.

(Alexis on the other side pulls out a table just to give Damage a little edge so he won’t have to look for it as long. Masaca continues his onslaught by swinging Damage into the steel pole on the outside! With extreme force, Damage rolls like an Asian fresh spring roll on the outside and tries to pick up a chair that’s resting on the ground. Masaca growls and laughs by grabbing a handful-of-electric-spiked-blue-hair. Masaca holds Damage’s hair with his left hand and then gives a-huge money shot into the abdomen of Damage completely avoiding the barbed wire. Masaca now stands on top of a mat on the outside and Damage is on the ground feeling the pain of Masaca’s tremendous power. Masaca acts like a king and reigns… But Damage stands up tall and pulls the mat that Masaca was standing from underneath him! Masaca tumbles to the ground and lands on the concrete ground!)

Jimmy: Damage can work with anything. If you give him a toothbrush and toothpaste he can somehow use it as a weapon against his opponent.
Rudolph: And that’s what makes Johnny Damage what he is today. He is the innovator of wrestling moves!

(Masaca is in shock on the ground as Damage perches on the top turnbuckle. He executes a beautiful spinning-missile-dropkick and like a heat-seeking-missile he hits the target. Masaca falls back into the French announcing table and Jimmy and Rudolph laugh because it’s not them)

Jimmy: Ha ah, Frenchies!

(Masaca, for no reason whatsoever, swipes off all the equipment on their table. Damage finds a-two brass knuckles in his bag of goodies and they glimmer in the light. Damage claps them together and starts smashing the face of Chainsaw Masaca turning it into over-ripened cantaloupe. Masaca drops to one knee and Damage charges at him buckling his last leg that he stands on! Masaca purrs like a dog-at-night and Damage tosses Masaca in the ring. Alexis and Damage on the outside both place the table into the ring and Damage says “Love you babe.” She responds… “Are you forgetting something?” Like a hero entering the final battle scene, Johnny Damage is handed the barbed wire and stares at a battered-and-bruised Chainsaw Masaca crawling on the ground like a new-born-baby. Johnny Damage with sweat dripping from his forehead and showing obvious signs of fatigue sets the table in the center of the ring. He wipes the sweat off his brow and fastens Chainsaw Masaca to the table with barbed-wire! Masaca panics the entire time and Damage has a difficult time tying up the hardcore athlete to the table.)

Jimmy: Masaca is tough! It’s not an easy task to tie him up.

(Finally! Masaca swoops the barbed wire one last time and secures Masaca to the table. Johnny Damage looks up. He searches for the highest point possible where he can actually make the Hangover. He looks to the rafters… Good thing it was a relatively small arena he thought to himself. Johnny Damage runs away from the match!)

Jimmy: What the hell!
Rudolph: Where is he going?
Jimmy: This is hardcore rules… There is no count-outs!

(Alexis gets into the ring and slides her hand across the face of Chainsaw Masaca. Masaca is trying his hardest to get out but it’s only giving him more gashes!)

Jimmy: Still no sign of Johnny Damage!

(SUDDENLY! THE SOUTH SHALL RISE AGAIN!!!)

Jimmy: OH NO! Is this Klyde Kooger Klancey?

(KLYDE KOOGER KLANCEY appears from the curtains and storms to the ring in desperate aid of his teammate Chainsaw Masaca! Alexis quickly scatters the ring and Klancey enters the ring placing his hand undoing the knot of the barbed wire!)

Rudolph: This will spoil Johnny Damage’s plans!

(The camera cut shots to the box office seats where Gary Coleman and President Pondababa watch. In the Phillips Arena this is 10 meters to the left directly above the center of the ring!)

Gary Coleman: What are you doing Damage! Your fight is down below not up here!

(Johnny Damage opens up a window and smells a breath of fresh air. Flash photography is unbelievable! Klancey finally untangles Chainsaw Masaca from the table. Damage jumps with a 300 degree vertical drop from the box office seats!!! Klancey and Masaca look around still in the center of the ring. Damage feels like a bird falling through the broken air… As he spins in a 180 degree splash motion at a 300 degree angle. Klancey and Masaca look up at the last second and is nailed with the highest Hangover possible in the Phillips Arena! Damage catches both Klacney and Masaca but Masaca gets the best of it. Damage falls on Masaca whose shoulders are pinned to the mat with Damage on top!)

1…2…3 (Damage defeats Chainsaw Masaca with the wildest Hangover ever seen!)

Jimmy: OH MY!!!! OH MY!!!! Damage from the rafters! Damage out of nowhere from the rafters!!! Hits his Hangover!!! Damage out of nowhere!
Rudolph: They didn’t see it coming!!! We didn’t see it coming!
Jimmy: AMAZING!!! TRULY AMAZING!

(Johnny Damage lies on the ground motionless beside two of his biggest opponents who also lie motionless on the ground! Alexis rushes the ring and places her hand on the Damage’s face. Damage’s ribs are hurt as Alexis comforts his unconscious body.)

(The EMT’s rush to the ring… They place the man who just fell 46 meters from the rafters on the stretcher all the way to the back. He is gently placed into the ambulance… and the sirens begin to chime. The ambulance starts to move. Destination: Vancouver Hospital and the wonderful free health care of Canada)

Jimmy: What an amazing match we just witnessed there Rudy.

[THE CAMERA GOES TO THE BACK STAGE]

(The Harley Davidson that Dark Avenger drives begins to purr. He steps hard on the gas and it roars like a lion. Dark Avenger is in hot pursuit of the ambulance!)

[BACK TO THE ARENA]

Rudolph: Dark Avenger is following the ambulance that Johnny Damage is in… Why?

[THE CAMERA GOES TO THE BACK STAGE AGAIN]

(Chris Bomber is watching the monitor and sees Dark Avenger following the ambulance in his hog. He rushes to the parking lot where goes on quick pursuit of Dark Avenger!)

Chris Bomber: I can’t let this happen!

(The rented Honda Accord of Chris Bomber blazes off in a cloud of dust after to Vancouver Hospital!)

[BACK TO THE ARENA]

Rudolph: Sorry for the havoc… It looks like we have an old-fashioned chase scene here! Dark Avenger is on hot pursuit with his Harley and Bomber is on Dark Avenger’s back with his Honda Accord! Jimmy: I am positive Johnny Damage will be okay. Rudolph: For those who don’t know Damage, this is like a mere scrape to him… He’s got tons of fighting left in him for UWA Survivor 2…
Jimmy: Yea. It’s obvious Johnny Damage is okay… But what about Dark Avenger following after his fight!
Rudolph: We’ll keep you up to par with Johnny Damage!

(Hogan is backstage with none other than the master of interviews; Creighton Duke! Creighton looks generally concerned for Hogan’s man parts as Hardcore Hogan limps over to the interviewer with an ice pack to his injured ball.) Creighton Duke: Hardcore Hogan. You seem to have suffered quite an injury at the hands of Dynamite Newton.

Hogan: (Gently takes the mic from Duke’s hand. His spirit seems broken.)Well… You know something Duke. Hardcore Hogan’s been informed by the doctor here backstage that I need to let my injury heal. I… I can’t compete in this match.
Duke: Hogan, does that mean you have to forfeit the match?

(Bryan Deverot arrives. He is sweating as usual and he places a big meaty hand on Hardcore Hogan’s shoulder.)

Deverot: Hogan. You gotta fight! For your fans. For the Hardcore Hulkamaniacs! They look up to you all around the world, people are watching this! Hopeing Hardcore Hogan becomes the next UWA Survivor!
Hogan: (Shaking his fists by his sides as if he is powering up. It seems Deverot’s speech is having an effect.) Well you know something BIG SHOW! I didn’t want it to come to this! (Hogan is shaking with power.) Lou Carbo! You made a big mistake losing and having to face me in the next match brother! All I need is the Hulkamaniacs coursing through my body and I won’t even feel my broken sac brah! Whatcha gonna do Lou Carbo! When Hardcore Hulk Hogan does the backstroke on you!

(Hogan marches off as his entrance theme, Voodod Child plays throughout the arena! The fans begin to cheer and Hardcore Hogan has yet to make his entrance…. The fans wait a little longer, then finally, Hardcore steps out wearing a poncho and a sombrero! Hogan poses and then walks to the ring holding himself down low.)

(“Stone Cold Crazy” plays yet again and Lou Carbo grumpily shoves the curtain aside. He grumbles to the ring and his face is all bruised from being smashed with the beer keg. Lou rolls into the ring and the bell rings.)

(Carbo rushes up to Hogan and makes the fatal error of going for the a punch! Hogan blocks and fires back! Carbo goes for another with the same result! Hogan throws Carbo off the ropes, but the ref gets in the way and gets knocked down. Seizing the moment, Hogan takes off his sombrero and a black jack was hidden underneath! Carbo gets popped with the blackjack and drops to the canvas! Hogan bounces off the ropes and drops the greay leg!!)

(Hogan shakes the ref and goes for the cover!)

1…2…3! Hardcore Hogan defeats Lou Carbo!

Rudolph: Hogan defeats Carbo with his shattered sac and he has earned a few days to ice it down!
Jimmy: Hardcore Hogan used the aid of a blackjack, but the fans just don’t seem to mind against the pathetically unlikeable Lou Carbo.
Rudolph: Well, Lou still has one more chance for redemption as he will face the loser of the Pain Express, Chainsaw Masaca match.

Jimmy: Two big behemoth’s in one ring. This is a recipe for disaster!
Rudolph: This one will determine who is fighting Lou Carbo in the Fisherman’s Wharf on the Pacific coast of Vancouver!

[BACK IN PAIN EXPRESS’ LOCKER ROOM] (Paul Duffy gives a light knock at Pain Express’ door.)

Pain Express: Hey what’s up Duff?
Paul Duffy: You’re sucking out there Express.
Pain Express: I am going to kick it into turbo this match.
Paul Duffy: Good. I don’t want to see our team handicapped first.
Pain Express: What are you saying? Are you saying I am the weak link?

(Pain Express blocks Paul Duffy with his right arm from leaving the dressing room.)

Pain Express: Is that what you’re saying!?!
Paul Duffy: Well… yeah… you’re the last on our team in this.

(With that said Pain Express swings his right bear claw at Paul Duffy. Duffy ducks Express’ bear claw… and pushes him back away from the door. Paul Duffy leaves the locker room with one last word of advice to Pain Express.)

Paul Duffy: Get your head in the game, Express.

(Pain Express holds his head… and mutters to himself)
Pain Express: I am going to break the cycle. I am going to shake up the system. I am going to destroy my own people…

(Pain Express holds his head and shakes his head left to right because of pure animosity) [BACK TO THE ARENA]

Jimmy: Pain Express just said he’s going to destroy his own team!
Rudolph: What kind of a teammate is that!

(LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LET’S GET READY TO RU---- DESTROY!!! Just Bring it! “Suck It Up” by HED begins to play and Chainsaw Masaca walks to the ring with a chainsaw in hand. He pulls a string and the chainsaw wildly is swung around as the fans go wild! Masaca makes it to the ring and starts cutting up the same piece of canvas from before! This time he actually chops off a slice of the ring and waves around the piece of canvas in the air.)

Jimmy: Chainsaw Masaca has been working on that canvas for so long! Now he’s got what he wanted!

(Pain Express leans over and grabs some of Masaca’s rag-like hair. Masaca turns around and drills Pain Express over the head with a loud thickening thud. Express falls back towards blue chair and he grasps it with his meaty meat-cleaver. Masaca rolls into the ring. Both wrestlers have the exact same idea as Express’s chair collides with Chainsaw Masaca’s canvas weapon!)

(The vibration wails into the bones of both wrestlers. But Masaca recuperates fastest by leveling Express with a devastating clothesline. Express falls to the ground but gets back up in no-time. Masaca charges at Express with the speed of wild-boar and buckles the legs of Express with a gore! Express falls to the mat and Masaca drops an elbow.)

Rudolph: Express is getting pulverized in there!

(Masaca places his meaty paw on the throat of Pain Express and slams his to the mat with great authority! Express bounces on the canvas and the internal bleeding continues. Express spits out another liter of blood!)

Jimmy: Pain Express should just call it quits for this one Rudy.

(Express grogilly stands up and is caught in between Chainsaw Masaca’s thighs. Masaca hoists the big man into the air and slams him to the mat with a powerbomb!!! But he continues the assault with yet another powerbomb pinning combination!

1…2… (Pain Express mustards a kick out!)

(Masaca stands back up guiding Pain Express off the ground. Express is lifted in the air with both of Chainsaw Masaca’s hands!)

Rudolph: This is a 301 pounder Jimmy! And Masaca is man-handling Express!

(Chainsaw Masaca throws him low in the air to add a little gusto. On the way down, Masaca drops him with a stunner! Masaca hooks the leg and pins Pain Express)

1…2…3 (Chainsaw Masaca beats Pain Express!)

Jimmy: We witnessed the true power of Chainsaw Masaca in that Rudy.
Rudolph: Masaca undoubtably has tremendous strength and Mixed Bag Incorporated have immunity thanks to Chainsaw Masaca!

Jimmy: Cookie and Creams and Ephalia are both threatened in this Immunity Main Event (IME)
Rudolph: Who will suffer the dreaded handicap in the North West?
Jimmy: Will it be Cookie and Creams or Ephalia!?!
Rudolph: We take you now to Tuscan’s Fisherman’s Cove along the coast of British Columbia.

(A panoramic view pans from left to right with the whole coastal fishing atmosphere. Fish are being stockpiled and cranes are lifting cartons filled of fish. Thousands of fish are caught every year at this location. But tonight it’s a day off. Tonight… Lou Carbo fights Pain Express in the Immunity Main Event.)

Jimmy: We are cut off from here. Have a great night folks! And stay tuned… We fly north to Juneau, Alaska for next weeks extravaganza!
Rudolph: GOOGNIGHT FOLKS! GOOGNIGHT FOLKS!

(Lou Carbo casually stands around. He has his hat rolled up over his ears like a true West-Coast Fisherman. Carbo grumpily walks around and blows hot air into his hands. Suddenly a crane starts to swing left and right like pendulum and Pain Express is operating a crane! Lou Carbo looks at Pain Express who is pretending to shift around a few gears. Pain Express starts laughing out loud like he was the super boss of a video game.)

(Lou Carbo charges at Pain Express tiredly drags Pain Express out of the crane. Pain Express starts crawling on the boarded rampway like a dog. Carbo grabs him by his thick hair. Pain Express, suddenly, lifts his arm up delivering a low blow to Lou Carbo. Carbo drops down to his knees in throbbing pain. Express chuckles to himself and irish whips Lou Carbo into the wood crate. Carbo quickly falls back down and Pain Express follows it up with an avalanche drop onto the frame of Lou Carbo.)

(Lou Carbo rubs his shattered face. Pain Express is stomping away and Lou is groggily defending himself. Pain Express pulls Lou Carbo to his feet and bops him on the top of the head with his fist. Pain Express whips Carbo to the dockway and tries to roll Carbo off the edge to gain the victory, but Carbo grabs onto his leg and refuses to let go.)

(When Carbo sees his opportunity, he scrambles away from Pain Express back onto the main part of the wharf. A pile of fish is in a corner of the dock and Carbo grabs a large fish. Pain Express goes after Carbo and Carbo begins to swing the fish as he smashes Pain Express back further and further! Carbo is picking up momentum and the two are on the dockway! Pain Express is teetering on the edge of the dock and Carbo only has to hit him one last time with the large fish!)

(Carbo Swings! Pain Express ducks and grabs Carbo by the throat and pants! Pain Express uses great strength to gorilla press Carbo over his head and turn to the edge of the dock! Pain Express laughs and prepares to toss Carbo into the water! At the last second, Carbo gauges Pain Express in the eye! Pain Express drops Lou Carbo behind him, and from his back, Carbo pushes with both legs to send Pain Express into the frigid water below!)

Lou Carbo defeats Pain Express!

---

[At Vancouver Hospital]

(There is a room-filled of doctor’s, physicians and nurses around Johnny Damage.)

Doctor: Remarkably, Johnny Damage has healed quite well.
(Damage lies in the bed with his eyes shut.)

Doctor: Damage’s serotonin level has virtually been cut off. And this is usually the case after a long drop and getting hit on the hypothalamus part of the brain. So what we are doing… We are giving oxygen to his brain to stabilize this chemical and he won’t be in REM.
President Pondababa: When is he going to be back walking and eating?
Doctor: Very soon. This is just temporary. Like I said it’s a common occurrence, especially for skydivers, parachuters and sometimes pilots and plane passengers if they are struck on the head at a high altitude. But he will be in deep sleep until enough oxygen is given to create serotonin. Then he will be up and ready to do whatever.
President Pondababa: Thanks, doc.

(President Pondababa takes a seat back in the lounge and the doctor helps the other patient in Johnny Damage’s hospital room. The light that’s being glowing in the room is suddenly covered by a large shadow. The doctor suddenly is grabbed from the back of his neck. Dark Avenger rolls the doctor like a bowling ball out of Johnny Damage’s hospital room.)

(Damage is in a daze. Dark Avenger shadows Johnny Damage and pulls out a satanic bible. Dark Avenger mutters the most harsh and violent things ever-known-to-man to Johnny Damage and he starts squeezing the oxygen supply. Damage just lays there with no movement… Avenger is laughing demonically… When a man dressed-up like a doctor enters the hospital room. Dark Avenger stares his dead black eyes into the doctor’s eyes. The doctor slowly approaches Dark Avenger… And with a quick and smooth motion he grabs a nearby fire-extinguisher and cranks him across the head. The “doctor” removes his face-cover and it’s Chris Bomber!)

Chris Bomber: IS THAT ALL YOU GOT!!!
(Dark Avenger swings a blunt-right-fist into the face of Chris Bomber and suddenly a large group of hospital security invade the room! Dark Avenger is being held back… Chris Bomber is being held back… )

Dark Avenger: YOU’LL DIE ANOTHER DAY!!!

(The scene fades away...as the UWA Survivor 2 logo fades in and out)

---

Ephalia must e-mail: prez_kingsly@yahoo.com and prez_pondababa@yahoo.com with your choice of who you think should be voted off your team.

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