Cali
LOCATION: San Francisco, California
ARENA: The Cow Palace
DATE: Saturday, December 28, 2002
REMAINING WRESTLERS: 14
  • IMMUNITY MAIN EVENT: IME- Don't be caught Dead in the Red
  • Bring your hiking boots but forget the chainsaw. Two wrestlers are selected to fight in the tallest trees in the World- The Californian Redwoods
  • He who is pinned or made submit WHICHEVER TEAM THAT WRESTLER WAS ON, THAT TEAM MUST CAST THEIR VOTES NO LATER THAN 1 DAY AFTER THIS CARD
"The Foundation of Sensation" Paul Duffy & Tommy "Bruiser" Bradley vs Hardcore Hogan and Johnny "Hardcore Hooligan" Damage

Cliff Knight vs Dynamite Newton

Chris Copeland vs "Big Show" Bryan Deverot

Cage Match
Evan Drexxler vs Chainsaw Masaca

The Rematch of the Century
Steel Cage Match
He, who escapes the cage wins
Dark Avenger vs Chris Bomber

IME - Battle in the Redwoods
Klyde Kooger Klancey vs Jason Ross


"Redwood Retina Reflector"



[Pyrotechnics go off and fans cheer for the UWA as it comes live to the Cow Palace. The fans are going crazy as the camera heads backstage.] Jimmy: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!!!! WELCOME TO SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA!!!
Rudolph: It’s called the Redwood Retina Reflector with six incredible matches.
Jimmy: What do you have when you team up and old, bald guy with a punk rocker from East Bay, California?
Rudolph: You get the Age and the Rage. Hardcore Hogan and Johnny Damage versus an odd team up of Tommy Bradley and Paul Duffy.
Jimmy: That is going to be the most exciting match of the night and it’s next.
Rudolph: We have a special guest in the front row tonight. Lou the Bartender!

(The spotlight shines on Lou in the front row seat like he’s some kind of movie star. But he’s just a mere bartender of Johnny Damage in East Bay, California. Lou takes a seat after giving a few waves to the audience.)

Jimmy: Listen to this crowd!!! There making the mood completely right, everybody’s screaming like they’re at a Tyson fight.
Rudolph: What?!? Cliff Knight has been making his own odds. Who does he think he is? Simmy Upchul?
Jimmy: Knight, the only man in the World with a UWA Survivor ring, squares off against the TICK, TICK, TICK, BOOOM!!! Dynamite Newton!
Rudolph: Chris Copeland brings Rave Bletsch, a UWA lighting man, into the game. This has sparked a feud with “The Premier Athlete” Cliff Knight. But Copeland doesn’t fight Knight, he gets “Big Show” Bryan Deverot.
Jimmy: That’s right. Deverot brings his pink t-shirt to the match.
Rudolph: A cage match is what the doctor ordered. Evan Drexxler gets in the ring with the Chainsaw Destroyer. At least from what we saw last week in Alaska!
Jimmy: It’s called the rematch of the century. Chris Bomber, a spectacular substitute to the UWA, brings his A-game when he wrestles the Dark Avenger in yet a second cage match!
Rudolph: We have cage matches coming out of our ears.
Jimmy: And in the Immunity Main Event… he’s been called a racist.
Rudolph: HE IS A RACIST JIMMY.
Jimmy: He’s also been called a career ender.
Rudolph: HE DOES END CAREERS JIMMY!
Jimmy: Klyde Kooger Klancey, Triple K brings punishment and pain to the main event with Jason Ross.
Rudolph: In a controversial episode last week, we saw exactly what those big wigs in office can actually do to an employee.
Jimmy: Pondababa and Kingsly controlled Ross’s life. Can he break the cycle tonight?
Rudolph: Men who run this company run our lives, Jimmy. But without people like me and you there wouldn’t be a company!
Jimmy: We take you all the way to the Redwoods in California!
Rudolph: Let’s rock the party!

(The back door to the arena opens up and we see none other than the UWA's own Hardcore Hero, Tommy "Bruiser" Bradley make his way into the building. A buildup of cheers echoes from the fans in the arena from the site of the legend. As he is making his way, the UWA's own seducting interviewess Ashleigh Angels catches up with the Bruiser.)

Ashleigh: Bruiser, any thoughts on your big matchup tonite.

Tommy:Not really, except that it time to see if this Age and the Rage deal is for real or just another marketing ploy by the "geniuses" in the front office that will fall flat on its ass like all their other hair brained ideas.

Ashleigh:Interesting, well what about your partner, the "Foundation of Sensation" Paul Duffy who has been unheard of in the past week?

Tommy: My concern of my partner is none of my business. I have always stressed from Day 1 that I fight best when on my own and I do not need anyone to watch my back. If Paul Duffy decides to show then the more, the merrier, but if he does not then it is no loss to me. Its not like I haven't fought 2 men at once in my lifetime.

Ashleigh: Well then good luck on your match, Bruiser.

(Tommy smiles and as he is walking by gives a smack on Ashleigh's ass which causes her to have a feeling of disgust and nirvana at the same time. )

(Ashleigh Engels stares from the distance with the biggest look of annoyance you’ve ever seen in your life)

Jimmy: Bradley, that’s a bad move.
Rudolph: Yeah. She gets a bit clingy. You know those girlfriends that call you six times a day.
Jimmy: Yeah. Multiply that by ten. WHAT do you do when you know that you’re branded AND YOU KNOW YOU’RE A MAN!!!
Rudolph: I don’t know Jimmy. You should know. Your wife beats all the time doesn’t she?
Jimmy: Shut up! No she doesn’t!
Rudolph: Pondababa has tried to get rid of Ashleigh, but she just kept on annoying him!

(Suddenly, Ashleigh Engels is behind Rudolph and is grabbing his ear.)

Ashleigh Engels: WHAT DID YOU SAY!!! I am going to f-
Jimmy: Ah! Quick CUT TO COMMERCIAL!.

COMMERCIALS

"The Foundation of Sensation" Paul Duffy & Tommy "Bruiser" Bradley vs Hardcore Hogan and Johnny "Hardcore Hooligan" Damage

[At Hardcore Hooligan’s Party Central] [The scene cuts to Hardcore Hulk Hogan who is chilling with Big Show Bryan Deverot to his left… Hogan sits in front of a Grand Master Piano and Bryan Deverot has his guitar lying on his lap] (Johnny Damage has bloodshot eyes with his head down in a stool like a zombie. Alexis is rubbing his shoulders and he finally wakes up.) Johnny Damage: Cigarette.

(Alexis quickly gathers a cigarette and sticks it in Damage’s mouth.)

Johnny Damage: Lighter.

(Alexis lights the cigarette and Damage puffs)

Johnny Damage: I don’t know what I’d do without you baby. AND Why does this place smell like Baby Back Ribs!!!

(Hogan is sitting on a stool with a beautiful Grand Master Piano in front of him. To his left, is Big Show Bryan Deverot with a big old six string guitar on his lap. Deverot licks his fingers from his last delicious BBQ rib he ate.)

Hardcore Hogan: We’re not too old for this anymore! Let’s hear you say that, Deverot
Bryan Deverot: We’re not too old for this!!!

(KNOCK. KNOCK. KNOCK. A loud knock silences Hogan and Deverot as the door slowly creeps open.)

Evan Drexxler: Hey guys. I think (Gets caught off by Bryan Deverot) Bryan Deverot: HIT IT!

(Hogan starts playing the Grand Master Piano and Deverot starts rocking on the electric guitar playing a lounge-style of “Rock you like a Hurricane” by The Scorpions. Hardcore Hogan lets out a deep-voiced lounge singer style. “HEEERE I AM!!!! ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE!!! HEEERE I AM!!!! ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE!!!!” Hardcore Hogan and Bryan Deverot are shaking their heads really getting into the beat. After a short 20 seconds of pure rocking, the song stops. You might as well call Hardcore Hogan- Frank Sinatra. That was a Lounge Style Version of Rock You Like A Hurricane if you could imagine. There is a dull laugh in the background from the crowd. Johnny Damage just sits back, chillin.) Evan Drexxler: (Drexxler doesn’t know what to make out of it so he claps his hands) Hardcore Hogan. Do you think this is some sort of apology for what you did last week? I am a teacher for Christ Sakes. Three-time Teacher of the Year, for PETE SAKES! I am never going to forget what you did to little Roberto...

(“The Foundation of Sensation” Paul Duffy appears at the door and pats Evan Drexxler on the back in mid-sentence. He walks into the room with his hands on his hips)

Evan Drexxler: Hey Du---

(Bryan Deverot taps his foot on the ground three times, before plucking the strings of the guitar exactly like Downfall by TRUSTCompany)

Hardcore Hulk Hogan: (adds a few notes from the piano before singing like Frank Sinatra) “Ahhhh! Ahhhh! Can I break away. Push me away. Make me fall. Just to see another side of me. Push me away. You can see what I see. THE OTHER SIDE OF MEEEEEEE!!!.” (all sung like Frank Sinatra)

(A few laughs from the crowd. Paul Duffy looks with fire eyes at Hardcore Hogan. He runs at Hardcore Hogan and smashes him with his left fist.)

Hardcore Hogan: AHHHH!

(Bryan Deverot and Evan Drexxler pull Paul Duffy off Hardcore Hogan.)

Evan Drexxler: Wait. Wait 5 minutes. You got him in five minutes, bro. Just hang on.

(Duffy shuts the door and blows a load of snot on the entrance way of Johnny Damage’s Party Central. Paul Duffy thunders down the hall where he meets up with his teammate Tommy Bradley. Evan Drexxler peaks in the room again.)

Evan Drexxler: You know what? To be honest. I was going to come out and “do bad things to you” during your tag team match. But now… I’ve changed my mind. (Drexxler pulls the camera towards him with a direct message to his class) Class, I know you’re watching this at home. Let this be a lesson to all of you. Forgive people. Hardcore Hogan may have been a person last week to Roberto but you can’t keep a negative grudge for the rest of your life. I’ll read to all of you little munchkins a story about forgiveness next class.

(Drexxler leaves The camera zooms in onto a smiling Bryan Deverot)

Bryan Deverot: You know Hogan, we can still rock. [The scene cuts to the Cow Palace] (YOU STAND BEFORE THIS COURT ACCUSED OF HERATHY AND WITCHCRAFT. HOW DO YOU PLEAD??? GUILTY!!!! Then “Downfall” by Trust COMPANY kicks in and Tommy Bradley looks up like there’s something wrong with the speakers. Paul Duffy pushes the curtains aside and launches his white cowboy hat into the audience. Like it was a wedding band, forty fans battle for the cowboy hat and Duffy just shakes his can-can. Bradley backs up to the entrance area and brings out eight ice cold beers. The fans are juiced.)

Jimmy: We have three hardcore wrestlers and one showstopper.
Rudolph: The crowd is bananas! And Hogan’s already dripped the fuel into the fire with that lounge-style version of Trust Company.
Jimmy: Duffy was pissed! Did you see him? No one can make fun of his theme song like Hogan and Deverot did!

(A weird remix of “Voodoo Child” and “Hardcore Hooligan” by Business begins to blare as the two walk out. Hogan stands up doing the muscle-flex and Damage takes one last sip of alcohol before breaking it on the ground. Hardcore Hogan rolls into the ring and Paul Duffy immediately starts kicking Hogan in the ribs.)

Jimmy: CHAAAAOS, DISOOOORDER!!!

(Duffy is scratching the back of Hardcore Hogan. Damage is there to save his teammate with a spear! Tommy Bradley lifts the light-weight Johnny Damage off Duffy and drops him with a reverse backbreaker. Damage rolls out of the ring and Bradley and Duffy launch Hogan against the ropes. On the return, Hogan double clotheslines Bradley and Duffy to the mat! Johnny Damage is already on the top rope and Hogan hops up onto the first turnbuckle. With a springboard-like teamwork, Hogan springs Damage and Damage executes a massive shooting star press onto Paul Duffy! Duffy holds his stomach in pain and rolls to his corner.)

Jimmy: Ok, Damage and Bradley are starting it off!

(Lou is in the audience hopping up and down for Johnny Damage. Bradley grabs the blue-electric spiked hair and throws him into the corner. He does the classic mistake of immediately charging after him but the nimble Damage ends up right behind Bradley. Damage rolls up Bradley for a quick cover.)

1… (Bradley kicks out)

(Bradley is tagged out and Duffy wildly misses a roundhouse. Damage hands his leg to Duffy and delivers an Inziguri. Duffy folds like a cheap tent and Hogan starts pointing at a turnbuckle. Johnny Damage points at it and unravels it! Damage finds a dead gopher! Hardcore Hogan pats his head with a small smile. He then points to the bottom turnbuckle and Damage unravels it looking at Hogan with a look of confusion. He pulls out a Bomb Bat! Damage smiles and clenches onto the tiny bat and Hogan starts to clap and tap his foot on the ground for momentum)

(Tommy Bradley approaches Johnny Damage and Damage like he was hiding a rabbit in his pocket swings his bomb bat connecting into the face of Tommy Bradley! Bradley’s jaw is a little displaced like he just hit his head on the stirring wheel of a car. But Bradley still retaliates! Bradley swings Damage and catches him with an elbow. Damage drops to one knee and is placed in between Bradley’s legs. Bradley lifts and Damage completes a sit up and catches Bradley in the face with a clean shot from the Bomb Bat. Damage executes a modified face rub along the middle rope. Damage rubs Bradley’s face and he gets severe rope burn on his leathery face. With an attempt to be technical, Damage wraps his arm across the throat of the leathery man!)

Jimmy: Damage bringing the Hardcore Rucus!

(The ref grabs the arm of Bradley and it falls once. The arm falls twice. The third one doesn’t as Bradley puts the weight to his feet and shakes the ropes like a madman gone mad. Damage smirks and doesn’t know what to make of Bradley’s burst of energy. Bradley elbows Damage in the abdomen three times and sends him into the ropes.)

(Hooligan tags to the aged wine of the group and Hogan enters the ring. Bruiser and Hogan stare each other down and Bruiser goes off the ropes and the two individuals crash into each other. Neither is willing to budge an inch to the others’ power, and this time Hogan goes off the ropes, but to the same effect. Bruiser and Hogan lock up and Hogan muscles Bradley into the corner. Duffy runs along the apron and goes for a flying scissor kick! Hogan ducks and Bruiser takes the brunt of the impact and Duffy flips to the ground below.)

(Hardcore Hogan capitalizes and delivers a monkey flip to Bruiser! Hogan is slow to get up after the flip and he rubs his geriatric bones. Bradley gets back to his feet and as Hogan comes in for the Big Boot, Bradley ducks and snares Hogan’s leg up by his head! Bradley wow’s the crowd with an overhead belly-to-belly suplex and Hogan goes flying through the ropes to the outside.)

(Outside, Duffy is rubbing his duff and he shakes his head. Paul is slowly walking back to his corner and Bradley is teasing him from the inside, yelling for him to get back to the damn corner!)

(Bruiser does a leg drop on Hogan and goes for a pin.)

1…2.Hogan kicks out.

(Hogan begins to shake, but he feels a slap on his shoulder and Hooligan has just tagged himself in. Hooligan hops over the ropes and Hogan steps out of the ring with a tear in his eye. Hooligan charges Bradley and Bradley ducks to back body drop him, but Hooligan leap frogs Bradley and smashes Duffy, who falls to the outside on his duff.)

(Hooligan signals for Hogan to enter the ring for some sweet cheating and Hogan puts Bruiser up on his shoulders and Hooligan quickly mounts the top rope and Hogan begins to fall forward! Hooligan nails Bruiser with a famasser off the top as Bruiser crashes to the ground. Bradley feels like he is in another dimension. And Hooligan goes for a cover.)

1…2…Bruiser gets a bruised shoulder off the canvas.

(Duffy crawls back to the apron and Hogan levels him with the Big Boot! Duffy tumbles to the outside and Hogan is posing down in the ring! The fans are eating it up like a steak and Hooligan goes to the outside and grabs a chair. Duffy was lurking on the outside and he sees his opportunity! As Hooligan walks around the corner, Duffy springs up and goes to Superkick the chair into Hooligan’s face!)

(Hooligan telegraphs the move and smashes Duffy of the shin as hard as he can! Duffy falls and holds his busted up shin and Hooligan gives him another whack for good measure! Inside Bruiser is resting on the ropes and Hooligan tosses the chair into the ring! Hogan is too busy posing and doesn’t see the chair in the ring and Bruiser grabs the chair! Bruiser smashes Hogan from behind and Hogan topples to the outside! Hooligan gets in there and Bruiser turns to smash Bradley with the chair and Hooligan grabs it and they struggle for the chair!)

(Duffy recuperates and goes after Hogan! Hogan turns around and receives the spinning superkick and it appears as if Hardcore Hogan is taking a nap on the outside! Duffy crawls in and as Hooligan manages to pull the chair away from Bradley, the chair flies over the top of Hooligan’s head and smashes Duffy in the skull! Hooligan uses the momentum to smash Bradley over the head and Bruiser falls down!)

1…2…Bradley kicks out!

(Duffy gets to his corner and Hooligan goes to the outside to check on Hogan, who is horribly dazed. Duffy gets tagged in by a severely beaten Bruiser and Duffy gets into the ring. Hooligan rolls in and dropkicks Duffy out at the knee. Duffy falls and somehow, Hogan was waiting on the top rope! Hogan flies through the air and smears Duffy’s neck and head with a leg drop off the top! Hogan rubs his butt and rolls out of the ring. Hooligan goes for the cover! Bruiser turns his back, shaking his head, he goes backstage.)

1…2…3! Hardcore Hooligan pins Paul Duffy!

Jimmy: Bruiser just left his teammate to rot on the ground!
Rudolph: Yea, but Paul Duffy was more harm than help, tonight!


Cliff Knight vs Dynamite Newton

[Backstage]

(We head backstage to a shot of Dynamite Newton sitting alongside Paul Duffy in his locker room. Newton is dressed for his match as he and Duffy talk)

Paul Duffy: Man don’t worry. I know that you are capable, you can beat Him.
Dynamite Newton: I know that! But still man its pressure going into face the current Survivor.
Paul Duffy: I’ve seen you at your best man. I believe there is still more to come. Go out there and prove you can beat Knight and you can go on to win this competition.
Dynamite Newton: You know something Duffy...Your right. Ill show Cliff Knight that 50 titles and a UWA ring doesnt prove he can beat the Explosive One. Ill be wearing that ring come the final day. Dynamite Newton vs Cliff Knight...Dynamite vs Duffy...or Dynamite vs Drexxler...It doesnt matter ill prove it.
Paul Duffy: Hey? Dynamite vs Duffy? Don’t plan on beating me. You never have and you never will.
Dynamite Newton: (laughing) We shall see. Oh yea, I gotta surprise for ringside.
(Dynamite puts on his sunglasses and heads out of the locker room. The scene returns to ringside.)

(Cliff Knight is arrogantly walking down the hallway when he’s interrupted by Rave Bletsch.)

Rave Bletsch: Hey murderer! Can I have some comments with you.
Cliff Knight: I’ve got nothing to say to you. As far as I am concerned Dynamite Newton is a big slut.

(“Seasons” by Crossbreed begins to play and Cliff Knight appears. He gives the big thumbs down and the crowd goes wild. His spiked green-yellow hair sparkles in the spotlight as he awaits in the ring)

(“Changes” by Tupac begins to play and a street performer that looks exactly like Tupac comes out with a mic-in-hand. He’s rapping “Changes” and Newton is bobbing to the rhythm like a gangster. It’s a spectactle out there with lights flashing wildly like it was a rap concert. The Tupac impersonator gets into the ring with his backwards bandana flopping to the beat. Dynamite Newton is bouncing like his name is Busta Rhymes)

(Cliff Knight is totally in a different genre of music. Knight attacks Dynamite Newton with a double-ax handle and he crashes into the turnbuckles. Knight mounts the top rope and gives 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9 shots to the face. On the last shot to the face, Newton lifts Knight and gives the inverted atomic drop. The impersonating rapper on the outside pats his forehead and spins around in anger. Knight charges off the ropes and drops a powerful knee to the sternum. Dynamite Newton is dragged up off the floor and Knight places his head in between his thighs. Knight hoists Newton in the air and runs in the powerbomb position. It’s the Premier Powerbomb. It sounds like a crack of thunder as Newton’s backbone jams into the canvas. Cliff Knight goes for the quick cover

1… Dynamite Newton kicks out!

Knight picks him up by the hair and flings him to the outside and the Tupac look-alike helps Newton up to his feet.

Rudolph: We’ll call the fake Tupac, Fakepac.

(Knight awaits Newton, who gets back into the ring. Newton seems to be getting power from Fakepac! Newton ties up Knight and sweeps him to the ground. Newton ties him up and applies a grapevine. Knight squirms his way over to the ropes and reaches to get the break, but as he reaches for the ropes, Fakepac, pushes his hands away and Knight struggles more! With another stretch, Knight reaches out and wraps his silky hand around the rope! The ref forces the break and Knight gets to his feet and grabs Newton by the hand. Knight pulls Newton towards him and nails him with a short-arm kick to the face.)

(Cliff Knight stares Dynamite Newton into the eyes before whipping him into the ropes. But the ref like a true imbecile gets in the way and is temporarily knocked out from Knight’s efforts. Knight looks down at the Ref below and stretches his arms out asking for mercy from the man above in the clouds. Fakepac climbs the top turnbuckle and he starts twirling his hands like a bulldozer. Knight turns back and receives a spinning missile drop kick connecting into the chest. Knight falls back and his arms get tied up into the ropes. Dynamite Newton licks his lips in excitement and approaches Cliff Knight with a look of arrogance. Cliff Knight is tangled up, helpless. He rests his head down. Dynamite Newton talks some serious words into his face and gives him the cockiest slap ever seen. Knight starts to wrestle his arms out the ropes and manages to pull them out. With a look of surprisement, Knight lays the smackdown with a boot to the chest. Knight lifts the leg and pops Newton in the face! He notices Fakepac on the top rope and scurries to stop the double team. Fakepac lands groin-first on the top rope and Cliff Knight raises his arms in glory.)

(Knight dropkicks Fakepac off the top rope and Fakepac falls to the outside with a sickening thud. An egg has been cracked. It was Fakepac’s head. Newton is on his knees and begging for mercy! Knight laughs and when his guard was down, Newton snares him up and caps Knight to the canvas with a death valley driver! Knight is down and Newton goes ALL THE WAY to the middle rope and goes for a flying fist. Newton crashes to the mat and Knight moves! Newton stares at his fist in shock and pain and flops over! Knight is back up raisign his hands for the crowd! He places Newton between his legs and hoists him onto his shoulders!)

(Knight raises Newton up and displays Newton in the razor’s edge and slams him to the ground! While Newton is still impacting the ground, and his legs are in the air, Knight grabs them and cinches in the sharpshooter! Knight rolls Newton over onto his chest and unluckily for Newton, both arms were pinned under his chest! In pain, Newton has no choice but to tap out using his head!)

Cliff Knight defeats Newton via submission!

Jimmy: Newton just tapped out with his head!
Rudolph: Undoubtably, Dynamite Newton put up a terrific fight. I have great respect for Dynamite Newton.
Jimmy: But Knight is an extraordinary competitor.
Rudolph: We’ll see if that can take him the length for this survivor.

Chris Copeland vs "Big Show" Bryan Deverot

[In Chris Copeland’s locker room] (Like a dog had its tail stepped on, Chris Copeland is screaming in pain. The bandages are being tightly wrapped around him like a Christmas present.)

Chris Copeland: Goddamit. Hurry up. Hurry up.

(His trainer tapes it all up and Copeland is ready for action!)

[At a backstage Buffet table]

(Bryan Deverot is chowing down on the BBQ Chicken wings. He looks back at the camera.)

Bryan Deverot: (with a mouth full of food) Heey. Tonite, I am going to beat up on Chris Copeland. I am going to punch him in his ribs.

(President Kingsly approaches the UWA legend wearing his pink sweat-soaked t-shirt)

President Kingsly: Hey Deverot. Save some food for the other guys, eh.
Bryan Deverot: Hey Shut up.
President Kingsly: Just to let you know. Your match is going to be a falls count anywhere match.
Bryan Deverot: YEAH! (A whole bunch of food comes out of his mouth) YEAH!

[Back to the arena]

(“Aenema” by Tool begins to play and Chris Copeland marches to the ring, his ribs are taped up. He walks with a slight limp because his ribs are shot. He rolls into the ring and awaits Bryan Deverot)

(WELLLLLL, WELL IT’S THE BIG SHOW! Bryan Deverot pushes the curtains aside and the flash photography goes wild. He raises his arms in the air and enters the ring with fireball eyes on Chris Copeland.)

(The bell sounds… Bryan Deverot attacks Copeland with a beefy right arm but Copeland puts the ref in front of him and goes in between the middle and top rope. The ref pushes the big behemoth away from Chris Copeland. Copeland crawls out of the ring and lures Big Show out of the ring by waving his hands in a “bring it on” manner. Deverot takes the bait and begins to chase. Copeland hobbles away up the ramp and Deverot chugs after him like a big black freight train. No matter how fast Deverot runs, Copeland always seems one step ahead of him.)

(Wheezing, Deverot takes a breather backstage and Copeland sneaks up to him and flicks him nose! Enraged, Bryan Deverot renews the chase and through the hallways, Copeland manages to avoid an attack from Bryan Deverot. Deverot is staggering along after Copeland and he is sweating profusely. Copeland had led Deverot all throughout the building and now they were right behind the entrance curtains! Deverot sluggishly walks up to Copeland who is leaning up against a wall. Waiting. When Deverot is within range, Copeland nails Deverot with a chair and the big man falls down. Capitlaizing on the moment, Copeland sees the buffet table and flips it onto Deverot, coating him with food, and smothering him with the large table! Copeland puts his weight on the large amount of surface area and Deverot seems unable to kick out!)

1…2…3! Chris Copeland defeats Bryan Deverot!

Jimmy: Boy, Deverot just ran out of gas. The injured Chris Copeland found a way to take away the strength advantage from the “Big Show” and end his undefeated streak.
Rudolph: Copeland is one crafty devil.
Jimmy: Even with his injuries, he is a man to be reckoned with.


Cage Match
Evan Drexxler vs Chainsaw Masaca

(The camera comes on to the backstage area. We see that it is in none other than the presidents office. Both Kingsly and Ponda are sitting at a table. They are attending to their buissness as the door bursts open. Kingsly looks up quickly but, because of his mechanics, Ponda isn’t really startled easily. Through the door comes everyone’s favorite teacher Evan Drexxler. He walks up to the table that the presidents are at. As he does so they both push aside what they’re doing and look up at Evan. Predient Kingsly speaks first.)

Kingsly: What do you need now, Evan?

(Evan looks angry but, more goal oriented than angry.)

Evan: What are you guys trying to pull? I’m tired of this all ready. First you break into my room and kidnap me. Now, you’re bribing my boss and my student’s parents into letting them follow us around. You both know full well that they’re in danger here.

(Ponda replies calmly, speaking in his mechanical voice.)

Ponda: Don’t worry, they all love you and trust you.

Kingsly: Yeah, besides, we told them that you would be responsible for all of them.

(Evan’s eyebrows raise and his eyes widen.)

Evan: You did WHAT? I can’t be responsible for nearly thirty kids at all times.

(Both of the presidents smile.)

Kingsly: We know that.

Ponda: That’s why we’ve hired a teacher’s aid for you.

(They both look over to the door behind Evan. As Evan and the camera turn to look at the door. Standing in the threshold is a very beautiful and buxom blond. Her hair flows down to the middle of her back and he eyes are the color green that makes the sea look like a tainted thing. She is the type of woman that would cause reaction from any man. She is wearing a grey mid skirt and a whit blouse as well as some small glasses. She steps away from the door way and slinks more than walks her way over to them. The look on Evan’s face is priceless. He is visibly smitten but, it lasts for only a second as he shakes it away.)

Ponda: I would like you to meet Ms. Simmons.

(She holds out her hand and Evan takes it in his own, shaking it only once.)

Ms. Simmons: It’s a pleasure to finally meet you. A three-time teacher of the year like you, odd that you’re wrestling.

(Evan snaps his head toward the presidents.)

Evan: Listen, this is ridiculous. What are you trying to do, destroy me?

Kingsly: No, actually, we like you.

(Evan looks confused.)

Kingsly: If we didn’t we’d make it illegal for you to take your pills, the ones that keep you from turning into Ixon. We know all about it.

Evan: But, um, how.

Ponda: Don’t worry about that. You see Evan you don’t understand what we’re doing. Let me explain because, it’s rather simple actually. You have one thing that none of the other wrestlers do.

Evan: What’s that?

Ponda: Internal strife. Drama. Pain, anguish.

Evan: What?

Ponda: People want to see humanity. They want real life. You are what they want. You are the one to bring in the ratings. And it’s all because of the drama.

(Evan suddenly gets angry. He is in a rage, as he screams Mrs. Simmons shys away.)

Evan: You’re messing with my life to get ratings! I SHOULD TEAR YOU APART!!!

(Evan up ends the table and throws it nearly across the room. His eyes begin to glow golden as he reaches a higher level of anger. Ponda interrupts him.)

Ponda: Well, yes, and to up the ante. If you don’t make to the final four. If you aren’t at the last show and don’t wrestle then I’m closing that school down.

Evan: DAMN YOU, Damn you both.

(Evan turns and storms out of the room. Jimmy is walking by the door and is caught in Evan’s wake as he gets plowed over. The camera swings back to the presidents who are both smiling. Ponda nods to Ms. Simmons to follow Evan, which she does as the camera cuts back to the announce table.)

[Back to the arena] Jimmy: Pondababa and Kingsly are on a power trip. Pondababa is holding Evan Drexxler here with the school hostage.
Rudolph: And now he brings in a teachers aid.
Jimmy: Show this guy a little bit of respect!

(LET’S GET READY TO RUMBLE… Planet Earth- “Suck It Up” blares and Chainsaw Masaca wildly swings his chainsaw around at the entrance way. The fans give a loud pop. Sparks begin to fly when Chainsaw Masaca starts cutting the steel cage with the chainsaw. Security guards push Masaca away from the cage and he fights for a few seconds. He gets into the ring and looks at the sold-out crowd in the Cow Palace)

(HERE I AM. ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE. Scorpions begin to play and an angry Evan Drexxler walks down the aisle giving fives to the crowd. He enters the cage and flexes his gigantic muscles. He bounces off a few of the ropes and the bell sounds.)

(Masaca comes out swinging and spears Drexxler at the legs. Drexxler falls over like the Tower of Pisa and Masaca strangles Drexxler like a black bear in the forest. Masaca delivers shot after shot like he’s a bartender at the local pub. Masaca picks up Drexxler by his strands of blonde hair and throws him head first into the steel cage. Already, Drexxler drips a few drops of blood from the nose. Drexxler elbows his pool-cue elbow into the bread basket of Chainsaw Masaca. Masaca retreats into the ropes and Drexxler whips him into the cage. Masaca starts shaking his black rag-doll hair and blood oozes in between his eyes.) (Like a big fat monkey, Chainsaw Masaca hangs off the cage’s bar and tackles Drexxler to the ground. Drexxler is crawling around and Masaca is stomping away. Drexxler goes to his back and Chaisaw mounts him and tries to lock in an arm bar and injure the monstrous arm of Evan Drexxler, but Mr.D (as his good students affectionately call him.) muscles out of it and drives a knee into Masaca’s chest. Masaca squeals and rolls around. Drexxler picks him up by his hair and launches the behemoth into the steel cage.)

(None other than President Pondababa walks to the ring to get a closer look at these two fighters giving it their all in the ring. Drexxler sees this and eyes the robotic president. Chainsaw seizes this moment, and scoops Drexxler up for a spear! Chainsaw keeps driving, until Drexxler crashes into the cage. Over and over, Masaca smashes Drexxler into the cage, while Pondababa silently applauds Masaca’s actions.)

(Drexxler is holding his hip painfully and Masaca begins to climb the cage! Slowly, Masaca makes his way up the rungs the his hand curls over the top of the cage. Drexxler makes his way to his feet and grabs Masaca’s foot and pulls. Masaca can’t hold on, and he crashes to the canvas below. Drexxler sends Masaca off the ropes and when Masaca gets within range, he is leveled with the Hurricane Heart Punch!! Drexxler raises his hands as the fans explode and he makes his way for the door in the cage. The door is opened and Drexxler takes a step out of the cage. WHACK! Pondababa slams the door and it slams into Drexxler. Evan Drexxler tumbles back and Pondababa quickly wraps a chain around the door to the cage and seals it with a deadbolt.)

(Drexxler is stunned and Chainsaw Masaca slowly gets to his feet. When he does, he stumbles a few steps and gets his balance holding onto the cage. Masaca begins to climb, and Drexxler, goes to the opposite side and begins to climb. The race is on! Masaca takes another rung! Drexxler bounds up two more, but seems to tire. Masaca puts his hands to the top of the cage and starts to pull himself up. Drexxler is at the top as well and he swings his first leg over. Masaca, sells his body as he just flops his body over the top of the cage and lets gravity carry him to the ground before Evan Drexxler can get off the cage!)

Jimmy: Jesus Christ, that is sick. Masaca just sacrificed his long term health to score the victory over Evan Drexxler who seems more focused on Pondababa, who is heading backstage.
Rudolph: Well, Drexxler lost the match, but he is in good health to fight again. I don’t know if I can say the same for Chainsaw Masaca. He just fell 15 feet to the unforgiving ground below! Hey! There goes Drexxler, he’s chasing after Pondababa! We’ll follow this story as it continues folks!


The Rematch of the Century
Steel Cage Match
He, who escapes the cage wins
Dark Avenger vs Chris Bomber

Jimmy: It’s called the rematch of the century.
Rudolph: Last week, we saw Dark Avenger almost get shut down from Chris “The Mad” Bomber. But somehow Avenger managed to stay in business and outlast Chris Bomber.
Jimmy: This match is in a steel cage. No running. No way out, but through the door and over the top.

("Beyond the Black" by Metal Church plays and the Cow Palace goes dark. The flash photography goes wild and the Harley roars. Dark Avenger stomps on the gas and the hog purrs down the aisle. The fans try reaching in but to no avail. He parks it on the side. The locks that Pondababa have placed on the door have been snipped. Dark Avenger enters the ring and he lowers his head to the devil in the core of the Earth. Four fireballs boom from the corners)

Jimmy: WHAT AN ENTRANCE!

(The guitar chords are plucked and “Poem” by Taproot booms the Cow Palace. Chris Bomber runs to the ring and points at Dark Avenger. Dark Avenger swats away the hand of Chris Bomber and slugs a right fist into the kisser. Bomber boots Dark Avenger in the gut, and the beefy man seems fazed. Bomber begins to choke Dark Avenger and the big man falls to his knees. Bomber starts to kick away at Dark Avengers’ belly. Eventually Dark Avenger falls and Bomber releases his grip. The Mad Bomber lets Dark Avenger get to his feet and rushes in like a rhino. Chris Bomber forces Dark Avenger into the corner and when the impact occurs, Bomber uses the momentum to flip himself in a sommersault up Avenger’s body and wraps his leg’s around Dark Avenger and then reverses polarity to deliver a hurricaranna!)

(Avenger gets up shakily and looks back at Bomber and his face looks like he just bit into a lemon. In a panic, Dark Avenger backhands Bomber and climbs to the top of the cage! Bomber is helpless as Avenger grabs him by the back of the neck and delivers a spinning reverse chokeslam! Chris Bomber convulses on the ground as Dark Avenger lifts him up and props him in the corner.)

(Dark Avenger snickers to himself because Bomber let him get to the top of the cage. But with great speed, and agility. Bomber hops up there gets to the top of the cage with Avenger and delivers a reverse stiff kick to Avenger’s skull. Dark Avenger wobbles, then crashes to the ring below! Bomber raises his hands and flies through the air, delivering a frog splash in the middle of the ring! Bomber looks equally hurt from the fall and he crawls to the door, which is opened by the officials on the outside. Dark Avenger musters to his feet and grabs Bomber by the foot and drags him away from the door. Avenger falls onto Bomber with a vicious elbow and really DIGS it into Bomber’s tender chest.)

(Bomber gets up on pure reflex. Dark Avenger comes in for the attack, but Bomber gains the upper hand after the bump and delivers a judo-style takedown! Avenger is crushed to the mat and his air is forced out. Avenger starts panting for air and crawls to the bottom turnbuckle. Avenger is crawling and Bomber delivers a football style kick to the ass and Avenger flops over.)

(With the intensity rising, the camera cuts to the crowd and shows none other than El Matador, Tito Santana taking in the show and applauding the valiant efforts of Dark Avenger and Chris Bomber. Tito Santana starts twirling his arm like a Mexican Burrito. Avenger drools out a bit of water on the side of his mouth. Chris Bomber drags Dark Avenger to the bottom rope and chokes the life out of him. Dark Avenger spins around and gives a low blow to Chris Bomber. Dark Avenger, with a burst of adrenaline hoists Chris Bomber into the air and throws him into the steel cage. Avenger raises his hands in the air like he is being possessed by the devil. His eyes go up into his brain and he channels the strength of the daemons. He grabs Bomber by the hair and lifts Chris Bomber! With tremendous power and with extraordinary vigor, he powerbombs Bomber cracking the canvas. Chris Bomber hits the ground with so much force that it creates a Grand Canyon-like hole in the canvas!!! Dark Avenger stares down at his victim and opens the door. Avenger walks out the door clear and clean from all danger.)

Jimmy: That’s not supposed to happen.
Rudolph: Those canvas’s are made of the utmost quality products! I don’t know how it can possibly break!
Jimmy: We’ll get this all sorted through! We take you live to the Sierra Nevada here in California.

IME - Battle in the Redwoods
Klyde Kooger Klancey vs Jason Ross

(A helicopter swoops around gigantic trees and the camera zooms all the way up in the air to the bottom of the ground (362 foot fall))

Voice: Welcome to the Sierra Redwoods within the state of California, U.S.A. These trees can reach amazing Heights of 362 feet with diameters of 17 feet and circumferences of 52 feet. The Sierra Redwoods are over 2000 years old and tonight Klyde Kooger Klancey and Jason Ross fight in this ancient atmosphere.

(The scene zooms in on Klyde Kooger Klancey who is stretching his arms. He cranks his neck to the left and a huge pop is heard. Klancey suddenly hears a rustling from behind. Quickly, he turns his head but nothing was there. Or so he thought. He turns back and is struck with the branch of a redwood! It’s Lou Carbo and Village Idiot! Village Idiot swings from a vine and totally misses Klyde Kooger Klancey falling into a puddle of mud. Village Idiot wipes the wet mud off his body and accidentally slips back falling flat on his face.)

(Klancey grimaces and lifts the massive Lou Carbo into the air with a gorilla press. Lou Carbo’s dead weight is lifted in the air several times buy the goliath until he’s thrown into the puddle with Village Idiot. Klancey throws his hand at the two foot soldiers and continues walking in the forest. His voice echoes as a flock of birds flees the scene.)

Klyde Kooger Klancey: Fee Fie Foe Fum. I’ve beaten your two dirty bums. Now where are you Jason Ross?

(The cameraman looks up into the tree, and about 15 meters up in the tree is Jason Ross! Klancey looks up but it was too late. Ross deadfalls from the air and nails Klyde Kooger Klancey with a flying clothesline! Klancey backward sommersaults and Ross wipes the dirt off his shirt. Jason Ross, with side control, gives direct knee blows into the ribs of Klyde Kooger Klancey. With amazing power, Klancey bench presses Jason Ross off him and searches for a weapon. Nothing is visible. So Klyde Kooger Klancey gathers Jason Ross and Irish whips his opponent into a grotesquely gigantic tree stump that has been cut by humans.)

(Jason Ross rolls onto the circular tree stump and Klyde Kooger Klancey follows. It’s like a gladiator challenge on a 17-foot-diameter tree stump. Klancey grapples Ross and executes a beautiful Deep South Suplex. Ross grabs his back in pain before getting crushed by the 370 pounder with an avalanche. It’s turned into a pin!)

1…2.. (Jason Ross kicks out!)

(Jason rolls off the tree stump and Klyde Kooger Klancey slowly follows. Ross throws out his foot and catches Klyde in the jaw! Klancey backs up in the forest and Ross actually lifts the bag man up with a bodyslam! Ross is ecstatic and goes for the pin!)

1... (Klyde Kooger Klancey with tremendous strength bench presses Jason Ross and tosses him a meter in length)

(Jason Ross, in frustration, grabs a nearby piece of wood and tries to smash Klancey with it. Klancey dodges the onslaught and ties up Ross’s legs making him fall flat on his face. Klancey stands tall on his feet for a second. He didn’t even see it coming. A red and white cane held by the hands of Johnny Damage crushes into the neck of Klyde Kooger Klancey and he falls down like a house made out of playing cards. It’s a brutal payback from Klancey’s interference last week in his tag match! Jason Ross finds his opportunity and he climbs the gigantic tree stump with his arms out like a bird. Ross jumps and flies in the air. For that one moment, Ross felt like an airplane as the wind swayed his hair high in the air as he performed a beautiful shooting star press. Klyde Kooger Klancey convulses with Ross’s shooting star press… And the ref counts… Could this be over?

1…2…3/4 (Johnny Damage golf swings his Singapore Cane catching Ross directly in the face! Jason Ross rolls off Klyde Kooger Klancey and a gush of blood drips from the side of his mouth. Ross and Klyde Kooger Klancey lay side-by-side and it’s a good thing that Johnny Damage is an excellent climber. He brought his hiking boots and he climbs the tree like a monkey. Damage is a natural climber. After one minute of climbing, Damage climbs one-quarter of the tree and he looks down at the two specks lying side-by-side. Damage, like a snowflake falling from the ground, extends his arms to lower the terminal velocity. He turns 180 and drops a devastating frog splash on both competitors!!! Damage springs up holding his rips and rolls Klyde Kooger Klancey on top of Jason Ross!)

(The Ref counts)

1…2...

(Johnny Damage turns away and stumbles back to his Cruiser)

…3! (Klyde Kooger Klancey defeats Jason Ross!)

(Mind-blowing! Both men lay motionless in the Sierra Nevada! Klancey’s gigantic girth on top of Jason Ross! Jason Ross bleeds internally while a load of specialists come to the wrestlers aids… The scene fades out… and fades back in with the UWA Survivor II logo and fades back out.)

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