LOCATION: London, England
ARENA: Docklands Arena
DATE: Wednesday, January 23, 2003
REMAINING WRESTLERS: 8
Hardcore Hogan: Well you know something Bryan Deverot, being here in the U-dubya-A makes me feel young again dude. I should be in a Gerber baby food commercial. I feel so fresh.
Bryan Deverot: Hee hee. I am getting skinnier by the day. All the cardio mixed with intensive wrestling matches have really helped me begin to control my size. I too, feel fresh live a spring rain.
Hardcore Hogan: And you know what else dude? Being here in London makes me want to kick back and bring some knickers to the ring. I got something special in store for the folks in Great Britain…
(The camera comes on into Ponda's office. Suddenly the door bursts open once more and in charges Evan Drexxler. Drexxler stalks up to Ponda's desk and stares at him with hatred in his eyes. The kids are running around and enjoying themselves as usual. The room suddenly goes silent from their screams as the tension in the air grows thick. Evan Drexxler looks around at the children.)
Evan: Children, I'd like you to all step out in the hall for a moment.
(The children are quick to comply. Evan Looks at Melissa.)
Evan: Melissa, could you please take Myron with you?
(Melissa nods as she steps behind Myron's wheel chair and heads out the door. She takes one last sad look back at Evan and closes the door behind her. It is now that Evan turns his attention directly on Ponda.)
Evan: I'm going to make this short and sweet and then I'm going to leave. I've stomped you all over this country and you continue to come up short. Now, you've got two choices. Either you give up now and give me back my teaching license and the school. Or, you can try and continue this little tirade and be destroyed. Because even you has a spirit, and I guarantee that I'll break it. Just remember this, the thief cometh but, to steal, and to kill, and destroy........
(Evan glares at Ponda for a moment. When he speaks again the venom is still in his voice but not as strong.)
Evan: You have until the next show.
(With that Evan turns on his heels without a seconds thought. He stalks to the door, his work still needing to be done in the ring.)
(“Voodoo Child” pumps over the speakers in Docklands arena and the fans erupt! Hogan comes out on a donkey and he is wearing a Union Jack shirt! His feather boa is wrapped around his neck exquisitely and is points Hogan style to the entrance and a Polar Bear in a cage is being pushed to the ring by Bryan Deverot! The fans go nuts at the sight of the bear and the animal looks terrified from the roaring of the fans! Hogan slaps his donkey’s ass* [no pun intended] and poses down in the ring.)
(The camera cuts to an English bloke who looks flabbergasted.)
Bloke: Crikey, Oive nevah seen a polah beiah befoah! Aejhj
(“Rock you Like a Hurricane” by Scorpions begins to play and Evan Drexxler pushes the curtains aside. Bruno von Gotch has a grouchy look on his face)
Rudolph: How is Drexxler going to top Hogan’s intro?
(Fireworks begin to explodes as the Teacher Evan Drexxler poses for the camera. Both men walk down the aisle into the ring and the bell sounds)
Jimmy: I wonder if Drexxler still has any resentment for what Hogan tried to do to one of his children.
(Von Gotch stays far away from Bryan Deverot as both men lock up in the center of the ring. Hardcore Hogan, with tremendous strength, shoves Evan Drexxler into the turnbuckle. Evan Drexxler comes storming back with a vicious clothesline. Hogan falls flat on his back as the dull roar from the polar bear can be heard from the outer ring. Deverot taps the mat a few times and Hogan sweeps out the legs of Evan Drexxler. Drexxler falls on his face and receives several kicks to the face by the big boot of Hardcore Hogan. Hardcore Hogan cradles Drexxler up in the air and slams his back into the canvas.)
(Hardcore Hogan charges off the ropes and misses a big elbow to the chest of Evan Drexxler. Drexxler grabs Hogan by the stringible cheese hair and tries to throw him into the ropes. Hardcore Hogan reverses the Irish Whip and Bruno Gotch pulls out Evan Drexxler. Bruno Gotch grabs the head of Evan Drexxler and tries to talk some sense into him.)
Bruno Von Gotch: You got to hit him in the left testicle.
(Evan Drexxler shakes his head and Hardcore Hogan didn’t see it coming. Evan Drexxler goes for the killer low blow and Hardcore Hogan falls on his knees and down to his face. Evan Drexxler climbs the middle turnbuckle and drops an elbow on the old man’s body.)
(Evan Drexxler can remember the face of Roberto when he jams his thumbs into Hogan’s eye. Hogan bounces off the ropes and Drexxler shows his extraordinary strength by military pressing the 303 pound UWA legend. Evan Drexxler pins Hardcore Hogan)
1… (Hardcore Hogan kicks out)
(Evan Drexxler continues his relentless assault by tossing Hogan off the ropes. Drexxler lowers his head and Hardcore Hogan slams his face directly into the canvas. Hardcore Hogan bounces off the ropes and Bruno von Gotch grabs the leg of Hardcore Hogan. Hardcore Hogan turns around and points at Bruno von Gotch. Von Gotch yells a bit of non-sense and “Big Show” Bryan Deverot punishes Gotch with a devastating clothesline! Gotch rolls all the way to the railing. Meanwhile, Hardcore Hogan had his back turned away after the interference and Evan Drexxler hoists the old man into the air with a pumphandle slam. Evan Drexxler wraps his arm around the throat of Hogan cutting off circulation.)
(The ref holds up the hand of Hogan and it falls once. Again, the hand falls for a second time. The last time the hand does not hit the ground and Hardcore Hogan begins shaking with adrenaline. He starts shaking his hands like he was just hit by lightning. Evan Drexxler raises his eyebrows as Hardcore Hogan delivers one shot directly to the Drexxler’s face. Drexxler takes the punishment and returns the favour with a punch of his own. Hogan blocks the shot and starts pointing at Evan Drexxler. The fans go bananas as Hardcore Hogan gives one killer shot knocking Drexxler to the ground.)
(Drexxler rolls to the ground and Hogan follows. Hogan grabs Drexxler and Gotch sr tries to grab Hogan, but Deverot spins the old man around takes a shot to the groin! Deverot grins and shakes his finger in a “no chance in hell” kind of way. Deverot cups the back of Gotch’s head and slams it into the apron and it appears as if the old man is sleeping.)
(Drexxler is caught off guard, watching lil’ Gotch Sr take a skull damage-related nap. Hogan whips Drexxler into the donkey, which is wandering around ringside. Drexxler rebounds off the animal and takes a big boot to the chin. Drexxler goes down and Hogan rolls him back into the ring. Hogan reaches under the ring apron. It’s barbed wire! Hogan wraps it around his leg and goes into the ring! Off on set of ropes, then the other! Hogan crashes down on the throat of Drexxler!)
1…2…3! Hardcore Hogan defeats Evan Drexxler.
(Hogan poses down and Deverot gets into the ring too. Drexxler rubs his bloody throat and helps Gotch Sr up and they head backstage.)
Rudolph: That puts Evan Drexxler’s UWA career totol to thirteen wins, and twelve losses. Win or lose, he’s always an exciting competitor.
(Hardcore Hogan heads backstage and Deverot grabs a mic.)
Deverot: Johnny, you’re Damaged goods.
And yer gonna get smashed in my neck of the woods
I see your pale skin, and your bony shoulders
Take a look at mine
Soft black boulders
Losing big weight, I’ll be a sex symbol,
Then I’ll get laid without using rohypnol.
Folks Johnny Damage, about to learn a lesson
With Big Show Bryan Deverot, is the brother he be messin’
And the last words I say to you
Open your ears and keep these words true
You mess with Deverot, and you gotta pay
Bryan Deverot is like Pompei on a bad day
[In Johnny Damage’s locker room]
(Damage is greedily smoking a fine cigarette and watching the monitor as Deverot bobbles around the ring as Alexis rubs his shoulders. Fourpac is captured in the background handcuffed to a locker)
Johnny Damage: Ah that feels good, baby.
Johnny Damage: How you doing back there, Fourpac?
Fourpac: Get these cuffs off me sucka. This hurts.
Johnny Damage: Ha ah.
(Johnny Damage gets off his chair and takes a big sip of beer finishing off the entire can. Damage chucks his beer can and hits the shoulder of a fearful Fourpac)
Johnny Damage: You can come with me now. If you do what I say, then I’ll let you have your freedom back.
(Fourpac nods solemnly.)
(Hardcore Hooligan jams for the Brits and they explode. Damage is swinging his Singapore cane and Fourpac is following and eyeing Deverot. Damage spits out his cigarette and the bell rings.)
(Damage kicks it off violently and hammers Deverot across the skull with the cane an Deverot tumbles to the outside. Bleeding, Deverot touches his wound and shakes his head vigorously. Damage sends himself over the top rope and crushes Deverot with the Cane agains and it is shattered. Damage tosses the broken weapon aside and pops away on Bryan Deverot!)
(Deverot rolls away and blood smears all over the canvas. Damage stomps a few shots and Deverot gets back up to his feet. Damage runs up to Deverot and the “Big Show” lifts him up and slams him with a skykigh! Damage is shaken and Deverot runs off the ropes and smothers the little guy with his tremendous girth in the form of big splash. Damage rolls around, holding his ribs and Deverot picks him up by his hair and short arm clotheslines him to the ground. Deverot goes upstairs and signals for a moonsault! Deverot flies through the air and lands on nothing but canvas. Damage avoided the blow and now the smaller man jumps on his back and applies a sleeper.)
(Deverot staggers to his feet, despite the pressure of having the blood cut off. Showing great flexibility, Deverot performs a jumping somersault with Johnny Damage still on his back! Damage is smooshed into the mat and Deverot rolls outside. Deverot power walks to the ring bell and rolls back into the ring. Damage slowly gets back up to his feet and Deverot smashes Damage with the cheap ring bell and it breaks into three separate pieces. Johnny Damage backs up and rolls in between the middle and bottom rope to the outside. Bryan Deverot finds his opportunity to show off his new acrobatic skills by climbing the top rope. Geronimo, Bryan Deverot hits Damage with a flying cross body all the way to the outside into a pinning combination.)
1…2. (Johnny Damage kicks out!)
(Johnny Damage struggles on his knees and goes for the low blow but Bryan Deverot laughs. Damage shakes his head and starts retreating back to his broken Singapore Cane. Bryan Deverot leans forward and whap, the broken Singapore cracks the skull of Bryan Deverot! Deverot falls to the ground and Fourpac comes in for the big capitalization as he jumps off the announcing table with a leg drop temporarily cutting off the respiration of Bryan Deverot. Johnny Damage backslaps Fourpac and the spotlight shines upon the entrance way. Hardcore Hogan is lugging Bryan Deverot’s picnic table!) Rudolph: OH MY! Hardcore Hogan is bringing out Bryan Deverot’s favourite picnic table!
(Johnny Damage drags Bryan Deverot on the outer ring. Johnny Damage goes for the infamous curve stomp piledriver! But Deverot lifts his head up and Johnny Damage cracks his backbone on the corner of the ring!)
(Bryan Deverot topples to the outside where the eager Fourpac. Fourpac swings the chair like it was caught in a tornado and a few drips of blood leaks from the head of Bryan Deverot!!! Johnny Damage, enthusiastically tosses Bryan Deverot back in the ring and lies him out in the center. Johnny Damage climbs the turnbuckle!)
(Hardcore Hogan is running around the ring after Fourpac and is ever so-slowly catching up to him!)
(Johnny Damage begins to wrap himself up with barbed wire. He cannonballs from the turnbuckles and actually hits Deverot with his 165 pound body! Damage turns his back and raises his hands in the air! Bryan Deverot quickly is up to his feet laughing! Fourpac rolls into the ring and Bryan Deverot squeezes the throat of Fourpac! Johnny Damage turns around and is surprised at Bryan Deverot! Deverot grabs the throat of Johnny Damage! Bryan Deverot, with the strength of an elephant, hoists both men up in the air with a double chokeslam! Hardcore Hogan greedily enters the ring and lifts Fourpac to the top rope. Hardcore Hogan waves his hand at his ear and the fans go buckwild. With the heart of lion, Hardcore Hogan adds a little bit of gusto with a jumping powerbomb! Fourpac screams when he bounces on the picnic table but it does not shatter! Fourpac’s body bounces off the table and he crumbles like a cookie on the outside.)
Rudolph: HA AH!!! The table didn’t break for Fourpac!
(Johnny Damage lies on the ground with a little bit of saliva dripping from the side of his mouth. Bryan Deverot begins to undress the barbed wire right off the Hardcore Juggernaut. Deverot laughs and wraps himself like a Christmas present. Hardcore Hogan like a true pyro starts the picnic table ablaze. Bryan Deverot grabs the electric blue spiked hair and rolls him all the way to the outside on the burning picnic table. Damage’s arm hairs slowly begin to singe off. Bryan Deverot climbs the top turnbuckle and dive bombs onto Damage via moonsault. From the impact of the moonsault, both wrestlers tumble off the table and Bryan Deverot lands on top of him with a pin.)
1…2…3 (Bryan Deverot beats Johnny Damage with the moonsault on a burning table)
Jimmy: DID YOU SEE THAT?
Rudolph: Bryan Deverot parachuted all the way from the top rope onto a burning table with a moonsault!
Jimmy: Deverot scores the win in London, England meaning Damage must face Drexxler in the second round.
Rudolph: How will his body hold up after taking that??? That’s the question.
Rudolph: Fourpac was the manager of Damage for last match and tried helping him out.
(Fourpac slowly stands up and Dynamite Newton pats him on the back. Fourpac slowly gets back up and slides into the ring. Dynamite Newton gives one big pose for the crowd and in the background Fourpac is breakdancing for the crowd.)
(Chris Bomber sneaks in through the crowd and tries to pull a fast one! Dynamite Newton sees him early and kicks him in the scrotum! Bomber is bent over like he is about to toss his crumpets and Newton sticks his ass in Bomber’s face as another insult! The fans are laughing and Fourpac is making weird funny faces on the apron and looking at the fans while doing the electric slide.)
(Newton slaps Bomber a few times, then delivers the Dynamite Sweep!)
1…2…3 Dynamite Newton puts Chris Bomber in his bum-ass place.
Jimmy: SEE! Dynamite Newton is sooooo devastating around men’s scrotums! That first hit sealed the match.
Rudolph: Remember when he injured Hardcore Hogan with the low blow? I sure do! Hogan’s nut was the size of a grapefruit!
(Newton and Fourpac absorb the adulation of the fans before heading backstage for the night.)
Tommy: You know, maybe you should lay off that stuff a little. You only have so many years ya know.
Billy: Screw that, I don't care, besides I AM A MIDGET!
Tommy: I been meaning to ask, what does that have to do with anything?
Billy: What does what have to do with anything?
Tommy: The whole I AM A MIDGET thing!
(There is an eerie silence as Billy looks around, drinking his scotch)
Billy: It’s just my thing, I mean, hell, I am a midget for Christ sakes.
Tommy: Well be careful with that booze, I don't want you stumbling around out there while I kick the holy crap out of Chris Copeland. I got this far, and I don't want to go home now.
Billy: Neither do I.
(Tommy continues lacing up his boots, Billy breaks out an issue of Barely Legal, Dwarf edition)
(Aenema by Tool clamors across the Docklands Arena and Chris Copeland marches to the ring. Ever vigilant, ultimately composed for the showdown with none other than Tommy “Bruiser” Bradley.)
(YOU STAND BEFORE THIS COURT ACCUSED OF HERESSY AND WITCHCRAFT! HOW DO YOU PLEAD!? Tommy Bradley rides a quad to the ring dragging a wagon behind him and it is full of weapons! Billy Barty Jr is wearing a Sherlock Holmes hat and is smoking a pipe! Barty is waving a Great British flag and the fans are loving it.)
(Tommy slides under the bottom rope and Copeland takes advantage of the situation. Tommy springs up and spear Copeland to the ground. Tommy immediately goes for the wagon-o-goodies and grabs the flag from Barty and chokes Copeland while he is recovering from the initial impact. Tommy Bradley holds up the flag, and the fans cheer! Bradley wipes his sweat off with the flag and tosses it into the crowd. One person grabs it… In fact, it’s none other than Chainsaw Masaca! He pushes a kid away from the flag… Wait, that’s no kid! It’s Paul Duffy! The two brits are fighting for the flag and what appears to be a mentally handicapped kid pulls the flag from both of them. Using the power that seems inherent in all down syndrome people.* [You know, the gimps are gentle giants. Hehe]. [Disclaimer: We love retards.] Back to the match. Copeland ties Bradley up in a hammerlock and crashes his head into the turnbuckle for a solid seven count. Bradley fights his way out of it and dumps Copeland over the top rope.)
(Copeland starts walking to the back stage area as Tommy Bradley begins to rummage around the “weapon wagon”. Bradley pulls out a large piece of plywood and angles it against the ring. Copeland is shaking his head walking backstage as Bradley pulls out a shovel. With the speed of an iron monkey, Tommy Bradley relentlessly swings the shovel banging Chris Copeland in the back to the head. Copeland falls down but Bradley drags him back to ringside. Chris Copeland doesn’t like the hardcore attitude of Tommy Bradley. Bradley slaps the piece of plywood once and rams Copeland’s head like a bull into the angled ply wood! The plywood does not break so Bradley backs up. Bradley swings Copeland but Copeland reverses and Bradley flies through the plywood.)
Jimmy: Copeland bringing the ruckus to the match!
(Chris Copeland delves through the “weapon wagon” and finds a plastic bag. Copeland starts pointing at the Safeway bag and covers the face of Tommy Bradley. Bradley circles in confusion as Chris Copeland picks up the shovel! Tommy Bradley turns around and gets cracked in the face with the shovel. Suddenly red splats around in the unclear Safeway bag. Chris Copeland points at the bag and laughs. Tommy Bradley backs up to the ring post pulling the bag off his head and ducks a Chris Copeland shovel shot!)
(Bradley knees Copeland in the stomach. Chris Copeland leans his head down, as Bradley slaps on a DDT. Copeland rolls out of the ring, in pain, and he grabs a chair laying against the steel railing. Copeland throws the chair into the ring.
Jimmy: OOPS! Misfire!
(Tommy Bruiser picks up the chair as Chris Copeland rolls into the ring. Bradley swings the chair but Chris Copeland retreats into the turnbuckles, begging for mercy. putting his hands in front of him, suggesting that Bradley should put the chair down. Bradley slowly lays the chair down on the floor, and Copeland lunges forward! Bradley, with the speed of a lion, picks up the chair and swings the chair at his enemy. Copeland gets his teeth almost knocked out of his gums, as a bit of blood falls from the side of his lip.)
(Bradley swings the chair again and nails Copeland on his backside. Copeland grabs his back in pain, and he rolls out of the ring and onto the cement. Bradley follows Copeland to the outside, but Copeland delivers a low blow to Bradley. Bradley grabs his groin in pain as Copeland sets Bradley for an Irish Wip into the Steel Stairs. Copeland launches Bradley but Bradley reversed the toss, and throws Copeland into the steps. Bradley grabs Crippler, Chris Copeland by his strands of hair, but Copeland eye gauges Bradley and bodyslams Tommy Bradley to the cement, and he hops up on the canvas.)
Jimmy: No! He’s going to go for the Flying Headbutt on the cement. This is a huge risk!
(Copeland climbs the turnbuckles and points at the lying down Bradley on the cement floor. Copeland springs from the turnbuckle. In a nick of time, Bradley dodges the flying headbutt of Copeland. Copeland grabs his head, and a whole pile of blood drips... Bradley stomps Copeland with his boot, one after the other, than he applies boston crab!!!! )
Jimmy: The Boston Crab! that’s his other finishing move.
Rudolph: No it’s not.
Jimmy: I know, I was just testing ya.
(Copeland looks groggy from the unstoppable power of the Boston Crab. When he gets up, Bruiser scoops him upside down and quickly procures the SOUTH TROY AGAINST THE WORLD! Copeland is in another plane of existence as Bradley goes for the sweaty man’s cover!)
1…2…3! Tommy Bradley defeats Chris Copeland.
Jimmy: That match was hard to the very core!
Rudolph: Copeland has to face the proverbial jobber in the form of Chris Bomber!
Jimmy: They both have the same first name.
Rudolph: THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!
(After an awful fight against Bryan Deverot, Alexis tapes up the ribs of Johnny Damage.)
Alexis: What happened to you out there baby?
(Johnny Damage groans and prepares for his introduction)
[In Evan Drexxler’s locker room]
(Little Myron is on the lap of Evan Drexxler and Drexxler has a “Curious George” book out. President Pondababa is behind the two.)
Evan Drexxler: And you see, the man in the big yellow hat found Curious George in the end. And they lived happily ever after.
Myron: Will I live happily ever after, Mr. Drexxler?
Evan Drexxler: I hope so Myron. I truly hope so.
Myron: I hope one day I’ll walk again.
(President Pondababa whispers into the camera)
President Pondababa: Not in this lifetime.
(Evan Drexxler turns around in anger at the president of the Ultimate Wrestling Alliance)
Evan Drexxler: Damn you Pondababa. Give the child hope, and you will grow.
(Evan Drexxler turns back at Myron)
Evan Drexxler: If I can win this match against Johnny Damage, will that make you feel better?
Myron: It may not give me the power to walk, but it will give me a smile on my face.
[Back to the arena]
(“Hardcore Hooligan” by Business thunders in the Docklands Arena and Johnny Damage is piggybacking Alexis. Alexis places a cigarette in the mouth of Johnny Damage and lights it. Damage takes one huge puff and chugs a Guiness for the crowd and himself.)
(“Here I am, Rock you like a Hurricane”. Evan Drexxler pushes the curtains aside and walks down the aisle with Bruno von Gotch. Drexxler rolls into the ring and both men meet in the center of the ring staring eye-to-eye)
Jimmy: These are the two second and third place contestants for the first survivor.
Rudolph: They must think that they are each others biggest threats for winning the second survivor.
(There’s a sense of tranquility as both men stare each other down… Suddenly, the crowd erupts as Johnny Damage elbows Evan Drexxler in the face! Drexxler returns a flaming fist of his own and Damage bounces off the ropes with a flying forearm knocking Drexxler to the ground. Drexxler lifts up Damage off the ground and elevates him 90 degrees to the canvas with a stall suplex. Johnny Damage doesn’t let it happen. Damage kicks his feet and DDT’s Evan Drexxler’s face to the mat. The fans are going wild as Johnny Damage mounts the top turnbuckle. Johnny Damage pretends to be a spinning pizza in the air as he performs a spinning 360 degree frog splash! Damage quickly covers Drexxler.)
1… (Drexxler kicks out!)
Jimmy: Fine creativity on the part of Johnny Damage.
(Damage has the fire in his eyes as he slides a table into the ring. The table is wedged into the corner and Evan Drexxler gets up to his feet. At the opposite end of the turnbuckle, Johnny Damage Irish Whips Evan Drexxler into the direction of the table. But the clever Evan Drexxler stops just before hitting the table. Drexxler points at his temple and turns around. Johnny Damage is charging at Drexxler like a wild animal! The wedged table is splintered with the power of Johnny Damage’s spear with the back of Evan Drexxler!)
(Drexxler tries to pull himself up to his feet while Damage rolls on the canvas holding his injured ribs. Drexxler falls towards Damage and snares him in a swinging bearhug! Damage fights through the pain as he swings from side to side in the powerful bearhug. Drexxler finishes the moves with a belly to belly suplex.)
Damage rolls out of the ring holding his ribs and trying to recover. Drexxler follows clotheslines Damage from behind! Drexxler rolls Damage back into the ring and then mounts the top turnbuckle! Drexxler raises his hands before taking to the air in the form of a Eastern European Economics Elbow Drop! Crashing down hard on Damage, he goes for a quick cover!)
1…2…Damage kicks out!
(Drexxler continues the assault on Damage’s ribs and drives his elbow into the ribcage. Damage struggles to his feet and sweep kicks Drexxler to the ground. Seizing the moment, Damage applies a Half Boston Crab! Drexxler struggles to be free and finally kicks out)
(Damage follows up with a spinning sidewalk slam, on the massive Evan Drexxler! Damage is beginning to get some momentum, and the fans are cheering him on! Then, Tommy Bradley emerges from the aisle and catches Damage’s attention! Damage, holding his ribs, shakes his free hand at Bradley who points to the ring. Damage, engulfed in yelling at Bradley, slowly turns around, but is caught up before he can defend himself! Multiple German Suplexes toss Damage around the ring like a rag doll!)
(Drexxler gets up and pick Damage up by his hair. Drexxler Irish Whips Damage off the ropes and levels him with the HURRICANE HEART PUNCH! Damage holds his ribs and collapses to the canvas. Bradley shakes his head and goes back stage.)
1…2…3! Evan Drexxler defeats Johnny Damage in the name of crippled Myron!
Jimmy: Damage’s ribs are messed up royally right now!
Rudolph: And Drexxler won the match for little Myron the cripple.
Jimmy: When Myron dreams, I wonder if he can walk?
Chris Bomber: Chris Copeland, listen man. I am having some horrible luck right now. I have five dollars that you lie down and take the three count for me. Pleease. I am begging mercy.
(Chris Bomber continues to walk down the aisle until he rolls into the ring)
Chris Bomber: Alright. You’re a tough cookie, Mr. Copeland. What’s this in my pocket? Is it Captain Quarter? Five Twenty-Five and I walk away with the win. That’s my final offer.
(Chris Bomber, like a used car salesman smiles at Chris Copeland. Chris Copeland looks around at the audience who are displeased. Copeland turns around and CLICK. Chris Copeland lays Chris Bomber out with a superkick! The money goes flying in the air and Chris Bomber falls like a domino. Copeland hooks the leg for the pin!)
1…2…3 (Chris Copeland pins Chris Bomber!)
(Chris Copeland smiles and scoops up the five twenty-five. Suddenly, “Voodoo Child” by Jimi Hendrix rumbles and it begins to smell like a farm. The donkey trots outside and Hardcore Hogan is wearing a poncho and sombrero. Hardcore Hogan has a stick of wheat hanging from his mouth as he taps the microphone a few times.) Hardcore Hogan: You know something brotha, you and I have never gone head-to-head before. And the numbers are dropping like flies and I want an opportunity for you to taste the under side of my boot before you leave the UWA. I challenge you to a “Body Slam Bed Match!- BEST OUT OF SEVEN!” What do you say, Chris?
(A microphone is handed to Chris Copeland who is considering this weird offer)
Chris Copeland: I don’t even know what a body slam bed match is!
(Hardcore Hogan starts to laugh sardonically)
Hardcore Hogan: You’ll see brotha. Ha ahaha …. You’ll seeeeee……..
(Hardcore Hogan grabs the reigns of his donkey and the donkey turns back to the locker room. The camera cut shots to Chris Copeland who is starring daggers at Hogan’s back)
Rudolph: Here's a special announcement that just came in: We're going to Sydney, Australia in five days- not Egypt! The card is called "The Outback Attack"- we'll see you all there!
1…2…3 Johnny Damage rolls off in a satisfied manner and then, for some reason, climbs to the top of the Stonehenge again! What is he doing? Damage looks down at Bomber and says:
Johnny Damage: This is a little payback for beating me the first time.
(Johnny Damage unzips and arcs a piss all over Chris Bomber’s prostrate body. Bomber doesn’t even struggle as the warm lemon sweetness soaks into his clothes like yellow rain. Damage laughs aloud, but holds his ribs in pain.)
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