Oh, that Matt, he sucks.

The
"I Hate Matt"
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    • Ask Us Volume V, December 2001

    Alex asks:
    Matthew and Bronson, I think the "ladies" are attracted to my sideburns. I seem to be getting "some" at most parties of late. I use to get "some" at parties, but the recent difference is the addition of a "chick". The old days, Schroter, Jake, and Milfy were my main three. So, considering I work out, have sideburns, and where "jumpers" I should be and am pulling all the "women". I really have no question, but wanted everyone to know how proud I am of my "new-found" coolness!!!
    Volcom says:
    This reminds me of a tale told best by my close personal friend, Jesus.
    "Bringeth me the man who dine on women; and I shall give you a perv. Smite thee who prey on young virgins, and the Gates of Heaven are open for thee. I thee Son, Father and younger cousin of God, am a jealous man, and if I hath none action with the ladyfolk, as shall the peasants. Praise the Lawd!" (Excretus: 2:8-10)
    Rudd asks:
    I often find caressing my calculator extremely stimulating. It will often bring me to the point of ejaculation. The hard case of the calculator, but easily pressible buttons really "push my buttons" if you get my pun. haha. It was a good one. Anyways, I was saying, calculators turn me on, am I weird? Oh, wait, I know I am weird, a more appropriate question is, how weird am I??
    Volcom says:
    You set a new precedent for weirdness. When asked how more weird you can be, the answer is..... none more weird.
    Monty Michaelgue asks:
    I now believe a am quite the contender for a web page champion. As my dogshitorcatpissorsomething website has skyrocketd in popularity. I am also achieving quite well in my IPT class at school. But, I have found out Tim Borham (champion), Eddie Welsh (tool), and Andrew Smith (Smithy) have been given the opportunity to create a school web page. What is it with me?? I thought I would be ahead of them, why wouldn't I, Bronson???
    Volcom says:
    Well Mickey, I could tell you the real reason, but it'd probably get me into all sorts of shit. You'd be surprised at how much control Eddie Welsh (tool) has over the police in Nambour. Smithy on the otherhand would probably leave obscene messages on my mum's mobile phone, and Timmy, well, he's a champion.

    Cassidy asks:
    Well, I really, really, really, want to become a park ranger, but my dad has instructed me that an executive position is awaiting me after I leave school at "The Big Mower" proudly owned by Daddy Cassidy. Anyways, how will I tell him that I want to pursue a career as a tree hugger???
    Volcom says:
    Cassy, I recall a question very similiar to this one on the Matt Strain Domain or whatever bullshit. I think his answer applies here the same it did eight years ago. So here it is:
    Cassidy, I don't give a floating shit what you do with your life. If you become a ranger, stay the hell away from my bush and if you become a lawnmower man, I'm getting my lawn concreted. And anyway, what sort of oxymoron is "Big Mower business"? The last time I saw a mower man he was wearing his son's school shorts and asked us for some food. Now that I think of it, I'm pretty sure it was your dad.
    Hope that helped.
    Smithy asks:
    Bronson or Matthew. I seem to have a disorder which makes me attracted to people who excel at the sport of basketball. First it was my brother, then is was Steve Coghlan now it is Johnny Fitz, I have grown to love them all, and have realised the common ground lies in the sport of basketball. I realise I am gay, I was just wondering whether, because of the evidence presented, I am a special kind of gay??
    Volcom says:
    Yes. Yes you are a special type of gay.
    You're the gay that fags call 'fag', and that are hated by even the most twisted homosexuals. Unlike the pink, sugary blood flowing through most fag's rainbow coloured veins, a black, tar like substance is pumped through your body. Pumped, not by a heart like most people, but by a fruity, little smurf-like guy wearing speedos on a stationary tricycle.
    Fucked, I know!
     
     
    Please Note:
    I don't decide the subject matter for these questions dear, you do. I only give smart arse responses, so if you send in, or read a question and are offended by my response in some way, please send your complaints to gitfucked@whocares.i7.com.au.
    All questions are and remain © of the I Hate Matt Dimension after submision.
    "Ask Us" is produced and recorded in front of a live, studio audience, Bronson K Volcomstalker speaking.

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