| GREAT ONE-LINERS |
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| GREAT ONE-LINERS Yes, some people claim to enjoy exercise. But then, some people claim to have been abducted by aliens too. It’s all very well trying to “talk it through.” But its tricky when most men would rather scrub the kitchen floor during a test match than discuss anything emotional. Stomachs are not meant to be flat, I don’t care what anyone says. Assertiveness is useless in a relationship where people stopped listening to each other long ago. Good old-fashioned punch-ups are the only answer. Warm baths do not cure insomnia. A bottle of Muscadet and a large Jack Daniels cures insomnia. People who “put something by each week” are simply not shopping hard enough. People are sometimes curious enough to exchange personal telephone numbers for a clandestine look at someone else’s boredom. I thought black was supposed to be slimming, but it always makes me look like the opening to a tunnel. I don’t cook. I can’t be good in every room in the house! What word describes the practice of being married to only one man at a time. Mono-something. Ah … Monotony. Did you know that banging your head up against a brick walls burns 150 calories per hour? Preserve nature. Pickle a squirrel today. Other people are ‘types’. One always thinks of oneself as an individual. The worst moment for any atheist is when he feels grateful for something and has no-one to thank. The least one can ask an atheist is not to make his atheism an article of faith. The trouble with political jokes is they usually get elected. Vampires are a pain in the neck. Feel superior - become a nun. Ava Maria - I don’t mind if I do. Oh do not touch me Oh do not touch Oh do not Oh do Oh Tolkien is hobbit forming. St Peter’s Square - I know he is. Einstein rules relatively okay - well, in theory anyway. Speech impediments wule ok. Do you have a drink problem? Yes, I can’t afford it. Humpty was pushed. Mona Lisa was framed. I like sheep - its me and ewe baby. Prevent hangovers - stay drunk. Examinations - nature’s laxatives. Nothing succeeds like a parrot. Whenever I read about the perils of drinking, I give up reading. Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most. Just because you think they’re all out to get you, doesn’t mean its not true. 24 hours in a day. 24 cans in a tray of beer. Coincidence? I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away. My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely. Jesus is coming! Quick! Look busy! I have a stepladder. It's a very nice stepladder but it's sad that I never knew my real ladder. Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die. FRIDGE MAGNETS I TREASURE: • Only boring women have immaculate houses • I kiss better than I cook • Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it • Avenge yourself. Live long enough to be a problem to your kids. • So its not home sweet home! Adjust! WOMEN’S RULES OF SEX 1. Foreplay does not mean 5 pints of lager, taking your kit off and putting your chips down. 2. Cellulite and stretch marks are very sexy, feminine things that should be worshipped. 3. During sex a woman may eat or read so that she, too, can gain some sort of pleasure. 4. Sex should not be rushed unless Eastenders is about to start. 5. If a man says he’ll phone, HE MUST DO SO OR BURN IN THE PUTRID FIERY HELL OF SATAN’S ARSE. TIPS FROM EMPLOYEES TO THEIR MANAGERS 1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4pm and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing. 2. If it is a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to enquire how I am doing. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me advising me at every keystroke. 3. Always leave without telling anyone where you are going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are. 4. If my arms are full of papers, books, boxes or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training. 5. If you give me more than one job, don’t tell me which has priority - I’m psychic! 6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go and nothing to do. I have no life beyond work. 7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret, because if it gets out it might mean promotion or a pay rise for me! 8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversation. I was born to be whipped. 9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information. 10. Never introduce me to people who are with you. I have no right to know anything.. In the corporate food chain I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them. 11. Be nice to me only when the job I am doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to Manager’s Hell. 12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it is nice to know someone less fortunate. I especially like the one about the bonus cheque your received. 13. Wait until my yearly review and then tell me what my goal should have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating and cost of living increase. I am not here for the money. GUIDE TO TELLING WHEN FOODSTUFFS ARE SPOILT (great for people with no sense of smell like me!) EGGS: When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime. DAIRY PRODUCTS: Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yoghurt. Yoghurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway. MAYONNAISE: If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, its probably off. MEAT: If opening the fridge door causes stray animals from a three mile radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled. LETTUCE: Lettuce is spoiled when you can’t get it off the bottom of the plate without using JIF (or CIF as its now known!) CANNED GOODS: Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a basketball should be disposed of … carefully. CARROTS: A carrot that you can tie into a knot like a shoelace is not fresh. WINE: Should not taste like salad dressing. NACHO DIP: If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, its gone bad. GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: Most food cannot be kept for longer than the average human lifespan. EXTRACTS FROM ACTUAL LETTERS SENT TO VARIOUS COUNCILS AND HOUSING ASSOCIATIONS THROUGHOUT THE UK “I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.” “I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.” “And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.” “I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof, I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off.” “I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.” “Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.” “I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.” “50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are just plan filthy.” “The toilet is blocked an we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.” “Will you please send a man to look at my water - it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.” “Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.” “I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6.00am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.” “The man next door has a large erection in the garden which is unsightly and dangerous.” “Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.” “I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.” “Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.” “I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.” “My bush is really overgrown around the front and my back passage has fungus on it.” “He’s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can’t take it any more.” WORDS OF WISDOM FROM FAMOUS PEOPLE “Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships.” (Sharon Stone). “Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.” (Courtney Cox-Arquette). “I read somewhere that 77% of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I’m more interested by the 23% who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.” (Jerry Garcia). “Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.” (Barbara Bush). “Ah, yes, divorce. From the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.” (Robin Williams). “Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.” (Billy Crystal). “Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.” (Rod Stewart). “On the one hand, we’ll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars.” (Bruce Willis - on the difference between men and women). “And God said, ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan.” (George Burns). “There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an aeroplane: either you have diarrhoea, or you’re anxious to meet people who do.” (Henry Kissinger). “My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she’s reading.” (Steve Jobs - founder of Apple Computers). “I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I said, ‘Thyroid problem?’ (Arnold Schwarzenegger). “Things you’ll never hear a woman say: ‘My, what an attractive scrotum.’” (Patricia Arquette) “I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a Great White Shark or a piece of seaweed touches my foot.” (Axel Rose - Guns’n’Roses). “My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.” (Jack Nicholson). “Woman complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.” (Roseanne). “According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, whereas men are just grateful.” (Robert De Niro). “Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?” (Dustin Hoffman). “When the sun comes up, I have morals again.” (Elizabeth Taylor). “See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.” (Robin Williams). IT'S GOOD TO BE A WOMAN 1. We got off the Titanic first. 2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynaecological disorder excuses. 3. Taxis stop for us. 4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing. 5. No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival the Speedo. 6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves. 7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know. 8. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her rear end. 9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there. 10. We have the ability to dress ourselves. 11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked. 12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot. 13. We will never regret piercing our ears. 14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems. 15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway. THE BEDTIME PRAYER Now I lay me down to sleep I pray for a man who’s not a creep One who’s handsome, smart and strong One whose willy is thick and long One who thinks before he speaks When he promises to call, he doesn’t wait weeks I pray that he is gainfully employed And when I spend his cash he’s not annoyed Pulls out my chair and opens my door Massages my back and begs to do more Oh send me a man who’ll make love to my mind Knows what to say when I ask ‘How big’s my behind?’ One who’ll make love til my body’s a twitchin In the hall, the loo, the garden and the kitchen I pray this man will love me no end And never attempt to shag my best friend And as I kneel and pray by my bed I look at the shithead you sent me instead Amen 50 THINGS WOMEN CAN'T DO 1. know anything about a car except its colour 2. understand a film plot 3. go 24 hours without sending a text message 4. lift 5. throw 6. run 7. park 8. fart 9. read a map 10. rob a bank 11. resist Ikea 12. sit still 13. tell a joke 14. play pool 15. pay for dinner 16. eat a kebab whilst walking 17. pee out of a train window 18. argue without shouting 19. get told off without crying 20. understand fruit machines 21. walk past a shoe shop 22. make a decent bacon sandwich 23. not comment on a strangers clothes 24. use small amounts of toilet paper 25. let you sleep with a hangover 26. drink a pint gracefully 27. get a round in 28. throw a punch 29. do magic 30. like your friends 31. enjoy porn 32. eat a really hot curry 33. get to the point 34. buy plain envelopes 35. take less than 20 minutes in the toilet 36. sit in a room for five minutes without saying "I'm cold" 37. go shopping without telephoning 20 mates 38. avoid credit card debt 39. dive into a pool 40. assemble furniture 41. roll a bogey between finger and thumb 42. set a video recorder 43. not try and change you 44. watch a war film 45. understand why flirting results in violence 46. spend a day by themselves 47. go to the toilet by themselves 48. buy a purse that fits in their pocket 49. choose a video quickly 50. get this far without having argued with at least 70% of the above Difference Between Men and Women NICKNAMES If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy. EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. BATHROOMS A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. OFFSPRING Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. Situations Hallmark Cards Don't Cover 1. I always wanted To have someone to hold, Someone to love. After meeting you... (inside card) I changed my mind. 2. I must admit, You brought religion into my life... (inside card) I never believed in Hell until I met you. 3. As the days go by I think how lucky I am... (inside card) That you're not here to ruin it for me. 4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go... (inside card) Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again. 5. Someday I hope to marry... (inside card) Someone other than you. 6. Happy birthday! You look great for your age... (inside card) Almost lifelike! 7. When we were together, You said you'd die for me... (inside card) Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise. 8. We've been friends for a very long time... (inside card) What do you say we stop? 9. I'm so miserable without you... (inside card) It's almost like you're still here. 10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy... (inside card) Did you ever find out who the father was? 11. You are such a good friend If we were on a sinking ship And there was only one life jacket... (inside card) I'd miss you terribly And think of you often. 12. Your friends and I wanted to do something really special for your birthday... (inside card) So we're having you put to sleep. 13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Alabama, Mississippi, and West Virginia) 14. Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder... (inside card) What was I thinking? HE SAID SHE SAID A couple are lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world" The woman says, "I'll miss you." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack said as he stepped out of the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly. She said - Well, you succeeded. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea...you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: A rumour ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma." And they say blondes are dumb.... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger....... Whoosh....immediately he turned ninety!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST: She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Lena folded Fred's underwear and put them in the drawer. The next morning he took a pair out and shaking the powder out of them said, “Lena, I wish you wouldn't put so much powder in my underwear.” Lena replied, "That isn't powder. It's Miracle Grow." FAMILY CHRISTMAS An elderly man in England calls his son in Sydney on Christmas Eve and says: "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; 45 years of misery is enough." "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Brisbane and tell her." And he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts. "I'll take care of this." She calls her dad immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Christmas, and paying their own airfares." THIS IS AN ACTUAL LETTER SENT TO A BANK IN THE UNITED STATES. THE BANK THOUGHT IT AMUSING ENOUGH TO PUBLISH IN THE NEW YORK TIMES. Dear Sir I am writing to thank you for bouncing the cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs form the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised about the following changes. I have noticed that, whereas I personally attend to telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your banks has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branchy, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contract Status form which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and abilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system which, you will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorised contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice. Press buttons as follows: 1. To make an appointment to see me 2. To query a missing repayment 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. 6. To transfer the call to my mobile in case I am not at home 7. To leave a message on my computer. 8. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 9 9. To make a general complaint or enquiry The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is the matter of the advertising material you send to me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at £5 per minute. Any debits to my account as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonoured cheque, will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute so you would be well advised to keep your enquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover setting up this arrangement. Your humble client. SUBJECT: FW: FW: SYSTEM UPGRADE Dear IT Helpdesk Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new programme began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limited access to wardrobe, flower and jewellery applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programmes such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3 and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programmes such as PokerNight 3.1, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Gold 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or Housecleaning 2.6. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of limited help. Can you help please? Jane Dear Jane, This is a very common problem women complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely the ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0 because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the programmes files from the system once installed. Any new programme files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common and a normal part of Husband 1.0. In desperation to play some of their old time favourite applications or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0 or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under “Warnings: Divorce/Child Support.” You will notice that this programme runs very poorly and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0 and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system. Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature, enter the command: “C://I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME.” Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologise 2.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8. TECH TIP! Avoid excess use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs and, ultimately, you may have to give a “C://APOLOGISE” command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5 or, worse yet, Beer 7.5. Beer 7.5 is a very bad programme that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFoot 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixesBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6. A final word of caution - do NOT, under ANY circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application and will cause selective shut down of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled. I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product. SOME INTERESTING FACTS Next time you’re washing and the water temperature isn’t just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some ‘facts’ about the 1500s. 1. Most people got married in June becauae they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so bride carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour. 2. Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children - last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it - hence the saying, “Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.” 3. Houses had thatched roofs - thick straw - piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof, hence the saying “Its raining cats and dogs.” 4. There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom, where bugs and other droppings could really mess up the bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That’s how canopy bends came into existence. The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence the saying “dirt poor.” 5. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread ‘thresh’ (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kep adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway, hence a “threshold.” 6. Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could “bring home the bacon.” They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and “chew the fat.” 7. Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid content caused some of the lead to leach into the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so tomatoes were considered poisonous. 8. Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or “upper crust.” 9. Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait to see if they would wake up, hence the custom of “holding a wake.” 10. England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a “bone house” and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realised they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would ties a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (“the graveyard shift”) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be “saved by the bell” or was considered a “dead ringer.” OFFICE TIMETABLE 9.00: Starting Time 9.30: Arrive at work 9.45: Coffee Break 11.00: Check E-Mail 11.15: Prepare for lunch 12.00: Lunch 2.45: Browse the Internet 3.00: Tea Break 4.00: Prepare to Go Home 4.30: Go Home 5.00: Finishing Time |
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| Let-down lines.....? HE: Can I buy you a drink? SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money. HE : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours. SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours. HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice? SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice. HE : How did you get to be so beautiful? SHE: I must've been given your share. HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday? SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend. HE: Your face must turn a few heads. SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs. HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out. SHE: Okay, get out. HE: I think I could make you very happy. SHE: Why? Are you leaving? HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me? SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time. HE: Can I have your name? SHE: Why? Don't you already have one? HE: Shall we go see a movie? SHE: I've already seen it. HE: Where have you been all my life? SHE: Hiding from you. HE: Haven't I seen you some place before? SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore. HE: Is this seat empty? SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down. HE: So, what do you do for a living? SHE: I'm a female impersonator. HE: Hey baby, what's your sign? SHE: Do not enter. HE: Your body is like a temple. SHE: Sorry, there are no services today. HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd die laughing. HE: Where have you been all my life? SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams. LADIES vs REAL WOMEN Ladies - If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up." Real Woman - If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me the Real Women's Motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes." Ladies - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away. Real Woman - Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares? Ladies - Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips. Real Woman - Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway. Ladies - To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes. Real Woman - Buy boxed mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year. Ladies - When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake. Real Woman - Go to the bakery...they'll even decorate it for you. Ladies - Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish. Real Woman - Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I just don't do it. Ladies - If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dish washing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy. Real Woman - Go ask the very cute neighbour guy to do it. And finally the most important tip... Ladies - Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces. Real Woman - Leftover wine?? A LESSON FOR CANNIBALS A big corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now", said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees". The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads. After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool!!! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!!! And they say romance is dead! These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line but least romantic second line: Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss but I only slept with you, because I was pissed. I thought that I could love no other Until, that is, I met your brother Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, The sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head. Of loving beauty, you float with grace If only you, could hide your face. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot This describes everything you are not. I want to feel your sweet embrace But don't take that paper bag off of your face. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: Marrying you screwed up my life. I see your face when I am dreaming That's why I always wake up screaming My love for you takes my breath away What have you stepped in to smell this way. What inspired this amorous rhyme? Two parts vodka, one part lime A Blonde Joke A blonde went into a garage and asked for a 710. “What’s a 710?” asked the mechanic. “You know, that black think in the middle of the engine.” Still none the wiser, the mechanic took the blonde to a car, opened up the bonnet, and said, “Does this car have a 710?”. “Yes,” the blonde replied and pointed to this. [http://rtccom.net/~mfjgolf/710.jpg] Top Ten Things Men Understand About Women 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. Five tips for a woman.... 1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job. 2. It is important that a man makes you laugh. 3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you. 4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you. 5. It is important that these four men never meet. Where are you going for your holiday?!!! Jack has a girlfriend, Wendy, whom he loves a lot. To prove how much he loves her he gets 'Wendy' tattooed on his penis. When its erect it says her name and when its deflated it reads 'Wy'. Jack and Wendy go on holiday to Jamaica. There they try a nude beach. They are having a great time when Jack decides to get up from sunbathing and get a drink at the beach bar. He orders a drink from the guy at the bar, who is also naked. He is surprised to see that the bartender also has 'Wy' tattooed on his penis. Jack says, "Wow, what a coincidence, you have a girlfriend named Wendy and you have her name on your privates too!" The bartender looks slowly down at Jack's thing, back to his face and starts laughing. Flashing a wide grin he says, "Nah man. Mine says 'Welcome to Jamaica. Have a nice day'." A white horse trots into a pub and asks for a pint of cider. The barman serves him and says, "We sell a whisky named after you!". The horse replies, "What, Eric?". A cheese sandwich walked into a pub and the barman said "Sorry, we don't serve food". 13 Things PMS stands for: 1. Pass My Shotgun 2. Psychotic Mood Shift 3. Perpetual Munching Spree 4. Puffy Mid-Section 5. People Make me Sick 6. Provide Me with Sweets 7. Pardon My Sobbing 8. Pimples May Surface 9. Pass My SweatpantS 10. Pissy Mood Syndrome 11. Plainly; Men Suck 12. Pack My Stuff 13. Potential Murder Suspect THE HORMONE WARNING: The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's licence in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other DANGEROUS: What's for dinner? SAFER: Can I help you with dinner? SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner? ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that? SAFER: Wow, you look good in brown. SAFEST: WOW! Look at you! ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about? SAFER: Could we be overreacting? SAFEST: Here's my paycheck. ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that? SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left. SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that? ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate DANGEROUS: What did you do all day? SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today. SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe! ULTRASAFE: Have some more chocolate. MORE GREAT ONE LINERS I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back. Half the people you know are below average. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand. I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met. OK, so what's the speed of dark? How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now. I intend to live forever - so far, so good. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? What happens if you get scared half to death twice? My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. You can’t have everything … where would you put it all? What's another word for Thesaurus? I'm leaving my body to science fiction. Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN. 2. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE. 3. She is not BLONDE - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. 4. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is A PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION. 5. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED. 6. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED. 7. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED. 8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED. 9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE. 10. She is not a SL*T - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED. 11. She does not have PREMIER LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR. 12. She is not a TWO-BIT SL*PPER - She is a LOW COST SERVICE PROVIDER Top Geek T-Shirt Slogans Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. <-------- The information went data way -------- Best file compression around: "DEL ." = 100% compression BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding Access denied--nah nah na nah nah! C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay.. Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!" As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope) Backups? We don' NEED no steenking backups. >... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting. PARLIAMENT.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot House of Commons (Y/n)? Does fuzzy logic tickle? A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord. Windows: Just another pane in the glass. SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . . Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk? Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS... Smash forehead on keyboard to continue..... Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue... ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI! All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound? Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue. "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981 DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE! Press any key to continue or any other key to quit... Go ahead, make my data! Annoying Things To Do On An Elevator 1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask "Got enough air in there?" 2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off. 3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves. 4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral. 5) MEOW occasionally. 6) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM" - and back away slowly 7) SAY -DING at each floor. 8) SAY "I wonder what all these do?" And push all the red buttons. 9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button. 10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on." 11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?" 12) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone. 13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space." 14) WHEN there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you. 15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more. 16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones. 17) HOLD the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?" 18) DROP a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!" 19) BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift. 20) PRETEND you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers. 21) SWAT at flies that don't exist. 22) CALL out "Group hug" then enforce it. 23) PASS wind 24) SAY to the most beautiful person in the lift, “Are you going all the way, because if you are I will.” 25) If the lift is full of women you look at the floor and say, "Nobody move their feet, my pet rat is on the loose". 26) WALK on with a cool box that says "human head" on the side. 27) SPEAK into a mobile phone and say, "Yeah, the doctor said it was very contagious". |
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| Want some REAL-LIFE humour Take a look at BRUMMIE BLOGGS 2004 Jan Feb Mar Apr May Jun Jul Aug Sept Oct Nov Dec |
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| Oddly, all the recent additions are at the bottom of the page - I just keep tacking them on! |
| GREAT ONE-LINERS • Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today. • How can you love nature, when it did that to you? • Hey, don't you need a licence to be that ugly? • Don't let your mind wander; it's far too small to be let out on its own. • Don't thank me for insulting you; it was a pleasure. • Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without you putting in so much effort to give us another? • Grasp your ears firmly and pull; you might just be able to remove your head from you ass. • He always finds himself lost in thought; it's unfamiliar territory. • I can tell that you are lying; your lips are moving. • I don't know what makes you so dumb but it really works. • I don't think you are a fool, but what's my opinion compared to that of thousands of others. • I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you one day. • I would have liked to insult you, but the sad truth is that you wouldn't understand me. • I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't seem to get my head that far up your ass. • If I want shit from you, I'll squeeze your head. • I'm impressed, I've never met such a small mind inside such a big head before. • I've come across rotting bodies that are less offensive than you are. • Now we know why some animals eat their own children. • This is an excellent time for you to become a missing person. • You have an inferiority complex and it is fully justified. • You should do some soul-searching. You might just find one. • You are not even beneath my contempt. • Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. • A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth. • I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. • I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time. • I like dogs too. Let's exchange recipes. • The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat. • Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe? • I wish for a world of peace, harmony, & nakedness. • Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. • Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. • Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage. • I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable. • I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. • Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. • You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing. • Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? • Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. • You look like shit. Is that the style now? |
| Phrases For Your "Out-Of-The-Office" E-Mail Auto-Reply... I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood. I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.' The beauty of it is that when I return, I can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queueing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks. Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response. Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages. I've run away to join a different circus. AND, FINALLY, ABSOLUTELY THE BEST: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'.' |
| Customer Services The following customer comments are attributed to students at a university campus computer store in the US.... Customer: "I'd like to buy the Internet. Do you know how much it is?" Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?" Customer: "I would like an Internet please." Customer: "I just got your Internet in the mail today..." Customer: "I just downloaded the Internet. How do I use it?" Customer: "I don't have a computer at home. Is the Internet available in book form?" Customer: "Will the Internet be open on Memorial Day tomorrow?" Customer: "We're getting an Internet from you. Are you guys having any problems sending out your Internets?" Customer: "The Internet is running too slow. Could you reboot it please?" Customer: "We're going on holiday for three months, can you suspend the Internet for us please?" Customer: "I have a problem with my Internet. Anyone know how to get the screens smaller?" Customer: "What do you mean I have to pay for Internet access??" Customer: "I lost my Internet. I switched it off last night and turned on this morning, and it's gone. I just paid $19.95 a month, and I have lost it already. Can you send me another one?" Customer: "The Internet site's giving me a busy signal!" Customer: "Every time I call you I get disconnected from the Internet!" |
| Flight Engineers After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken. Here are some actual REAL logged maintenance complaints and problems (P = The problem logged by the pilot.) (S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.) ---------------------------------------------------------------- P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. ---------------------------------------------------------------- P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. ---------------------------------------------------------------- P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. ---------------------------------------------------------------- P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on backorder. ---------------------------------------------------------------- P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. ---------------------------------------------------------------- P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. ---------------------------------------------------------------- P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. ---------------------------------------------------------------- P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what they're there for. ---------------------------------------------------------------- P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. ---------------------------------------------------------------- P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. ---------------------------------------------------------------- P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. ---------------------------------------------------------------- P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. ---------------------------------------------------------------- P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. ---------------------------------------------------------------- P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. ---------------------------------------------------------------- P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget |
| Health & Fitness - The Truth! Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up! Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain ... Good Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around! Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me. Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets and remember, "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand, strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming "WOO HOO! What a Ride!" |
| 13 Thoughts for the Day 13. Never take life too seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. 12. Life is sexually transmitted. 11. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 10. Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. 9. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. 8. Some people are like Slinkies...not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs. 7. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. 6. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. 5. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. 4. Why does a slight tax increase cost you one hundred pounds and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty pence? 3. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the World is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. 2. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. And the number one thought for the day: 1. You read about terrorists; most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. I think we should put Blockbuster in charge of immigration. |
| A large town in West Yorkshire was stolen last night. Police are looking for Leeds. |
| Top 21 ways to tell someone their fly is down 21) Your lipstick is falling out of your handbag 20) The cucumber has left the salad. 19) I can see the gun of Navarone. 18) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out. 17) You've got Windows in your laptop. 16) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave. 15) Your soldier ain't so unknown now. 14) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell. 13) Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson... 12) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position. 11) Your pod bay door is open, Hal. 10) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building! 9) Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod. 8) Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir! 7) The Buick is not all the way in the garage. 6) Dr. Kimble has escaped! 5) You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary." 4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction... 3) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones. 2) I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it? 1) I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts |
| SIGNS In an office: TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR Notice in a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES. On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING! . (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK) |
| YOU KNOW YOUR'E LIVING IN 2004 WHEN ....... 1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave. 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3. 4. You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to you. 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have email addresses. 6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner. 7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "1" to get an outside line. 8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies. 10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news. 11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job. 12. Contractors out number permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards. AND THE REAL CLINCHERS ARE :- 13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling. 14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your friends. 15. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net. 16. You are too busy to notice there was no No. 9 17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a No .9 18. AND NOW U R LAUGHING AT YOUR OWN STUPIDITY... |
| INNER PEACE I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me and at this time of year we all could use a little calm!!! By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace … "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started." So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished … and before leaving the house this morning I finished: - a bottle of red wine - a bottle of white - the Bailey's - Jack Daniels - the Prozac - some valium - some cheesecake - and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how bloody great I feel! You may pass this on to those you feel are in need of Inner Peace... |
| DON'T LIE TO YOUR MOTHER Mrs Jenkins comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner, who lives with a female roommate Vikki. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn’t help but notice how pretty Anthony’s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between them than met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Vikki and I are just roommates." About a week later, Vikki came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I’ll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: Dear Mom, I’m not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my apartment, I’m not saying that you 'did not' take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Anthony Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his mother, which read: Dear Son, I’m not saying that you 'do' sleep with Vikki, and I’m not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now. Love, Mom Lesson of the day: Don’t lie to your mother!!! |
| As I mature As I mature I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in. I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes. I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it. I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs. I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think. I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished. I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities. I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place! I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it. Be proud to be British because... Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke. Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters. Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage. Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have 'call waiting' so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. Only in Britain... are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink. NOT TO MENTION......... 3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue. 142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts. 58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers. 31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in. 9 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolates. British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents. 101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet. 18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth. A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth. 5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars. AND FINALLY......... In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet............................ RULE BRITANNIA!! |
| Cow 1: I've just been artificially inseminated. Cow 2: I don't believe you. Cow 1: It's true, no bull. |
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