"There is True Art in Interpreting the World through the Minds of Imbeciles"
"Why do hot dogs come in packs of ten and buns in packs of eight?"
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Gourmet & Other Foodstuffs:
School of Culinary Arts

"If one is forced to eat shit, use a good hot sauce" -- Gomer the Greek
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   & Fine Arts

 To be honest about it, the Academy dining hall was closed down by the Board of Health last year (1997). It was always strictly a macaroni and cheese place -- we were all astounded when the Inspector found actual movement in the M&C vat. How could it move when it had never been alive in the first place? Likewise, the noodles in the chicken noodle soup were found to be swimming, but we could hardly admit that our annelid expert, the absent-minded Professor Swound, had been experimenting on the survival adaptations of his subjects in various liquid milieux. (Ms Media-Trumpet, an ardent vegan, actually resigned from the Academy over this incident.)
Nonetheless, even without an in-house kitchen any longer, we have done very well, as there are 3 Burger Kings, 5 MacDonalds, 2 KFC's, and a Pizza Hut -- not to mention a White Castle and at least 12 Chinese take-outs and Deli's within a 5-mile radius of our campus in Piscattaway NJ.
Some of our students have contributed important research papers on culinary arts as you can see by selecting an item below:
  • Unhealthful Foods of the World: Just give me Rolaids after my Puerto-Rican land crab taco.
  • Hot Pepper Sauces: Drano for your innards.
  • Turkey Meat Is Politically Correct: Well, they don't give you salmonella infections at least, probably because they do not recycle the unwanted turkey bits as feed for live turkeys (as opposed to what they feed chickens). There are NO unused turkey parts -- they all get mushed up to make healthful turkey bologna, burgers, and salami. There is even a use for the beaks, although the Academicians have not yet discovered what it is. (Professor Svledic is convinced Eric Clapton uses turkey-beak plectrums, but if you watch a video closely you will see he is only using his horny thumb nail.)
Since we don't have a Dining Hall as such any longer, why is it mentioned? Well, it is now an animal shelter, the biggest one in New Jersey for unwanted creatures, crippled skunks who survived being run over, turkey buzzards with broken wings, snakes with spinal injuries (actually a very bad thing for them, since all they have IS a spine). We have a Save-the-Vermin charitable foundation -- and you would be surprised how many people support it, including some Very VIP folks in the Senate.

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copyright © 1997, 1998
by Grobius Shortling

The preceding entries are our published research theses. You are welcome to join or contribute to a department. We no longer accept full-time boarding students, however, as the insurance costs were too high. All you need to do now to obtain a diploma or citation from the G&F Academy of Arts and Imbecility is to contribute something to this Web Site. What you get for this is totally and arbitrarily up to the Academicians, who are a fickle bunch. If you don't know how to e-mail us, why don't you click on the Inquiries hot spot at the top of the page, dummy?