Take as many pictures with your child as you want. Make your memories together. Do not feel intimidated by what others say. Quiet your mind and listen to your heart. If you think you do not want pictures, take them anyway! You do not have to develop the film until you are, if ever, ready. It is better to have it available if one day in the future you want to see pictures of your child than to be angry with yourself for not having the insight to give yourself the choice later.
If your baby dies at birth or shortly after, it is okay to open your baby's eyes. This is one thing I did not do when Cheyenne was born that I deeply regretted.
Dress and bathe your child at the hospital. Spend as much time caring for the baby as you can. It will make for beautiful memories for you to cherish later.
Tell people if they have said something that hurts you. The only way that people will learn sensitivity is through the bereaved parent's loving education. Explain calmly that it hurts and why. You may even show them this book. It will be quite an education.
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It is okay to invite family, including siblings into the room to meet your child. It is very difficult for others to grieve with you if they have not yet met the person you are grieving for. In the case of an early infant death or stillbirth, invite siblings in to share in the good-byes. Do not exclude them. They will want to grieve too.
If you do have other children, do not be afraid to cry and grieve in front of them. It is very important that you express your emotions, as powerful as they may be. A terrible thing has happened to your family. Be willing to communicate and share feelings about it. If you begin by crying together, then you also begin to heal together and rebuild together. By holding back the grief, children can become angry and hostile. Remember that emotions are good. Cry, laugh and live together as a family. It will bring each of you closer.
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The death of a baby is like a stone cast into the stillness of a quiet pool; the concentric ripples of despair sweep out in all directions, affecting many, many people.
--De Frain, 1991
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If you feel the need, especially around holidays, to buy something in memory of your child, a wonderful act of love is charity. For example, on your child's birthday, you can take the money that you would have spent to have a party and gift for your child and donate it, possibly to a cause that touches your heart. Try it once. The feeling is wonderful!
Have a place to go to meditate. My place is the cemetery where Cheyenne is buried. I know her spirit is not there, but it is a place where I can go and "care" for her physical body. Rituals, if your heart tells you to, are wonderful healing times. Often when I go to the cemetery, I will bring shears to trim the grass, a cloth to clean her headstone and decorations such as ceramic hearts and "I love you" balloons on Valentine's Day.
Talk about your child anytime you want to. If friends or family are uncomfortable with that, find a support group in your area. Support groups are a great way to meet people that feel the same way you do and understand your grief. Say your child's name as often as possible. They are a part of you, your past, present and future. You do not have to pretend they did not exist. It will also afford you an opportunity to reach out and help someone else who may be earlier in his or her grief.
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Most importantly, do not "stuff" your grief. If you do not allow yourself to grieve now, then you will pay for it later.
If you are married or have a significant other, try not to shut them out. For me, I felt all alone in my grief. It is hard not to. My child lived and died inside of me. No one knew her like I did. But it's okay to say that and feel that. Just share it with your spouse. They may grieve differently or seemingly not enough. Try not to judge them or what they are feeling. Concentrate on your grief and sharing the memory of your child together.
Seek counseling if the grief becomes too much to bear. It is certainly understandable.
It's okay to be patient with yourself. Grief plays funny tricks on the mind. You may find yourself being forgetful, losing things, sleeping a great deal or not wanting to go outside your home. It is all part of the journey. There is a light, but we all arrive at different points during the process.
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We are healed of a suffering only by experiencing it in full.
--Marcel Proust
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