Are we ready?
Another baby. . .maybe
The decision to have another child is an enormous task for bereaved parents. Some feel anxious and cannot wait to hold another baby in their arms. While others feel they would become bitter toward a new child, subconsciously desiring the child that died.
It is a personal and private decision, but one deserving of much thought and consideration. There are no text book rules on when it is all right to get pregnant again. For some, several months will be acceptable. While for others, they may not feel ready for years. So how do you know when the time is right for you and your family?
Here are some thought provoking tips on subsequent pregnancies:
- Is the grief of the death of your child still unbearable? Does it still consume every moment of every day? If it does, it may be too soon for another child. Grief is hard and exhausting work. It will be difficult to do your grief work when so much energy is expended on a subsequent pregnancy and all the worries that accompany it.
- Are you able to laugh and smile throughout your day, without feeling as if you have betrayed the memory or love of your child?
- Are you able to attend baby showers? Can you walk through the baby aisle in department stores? If not, you may not be ready to prepare yourself for another baby in your life. It will be a constant reminder of what should have been.
- Observe yourself and your reaction to other babies the same age/sex as your child.
Tips to survive a subsequent pregnancy:
- Attend a subsequent pregnancy support group. No one will understand your fears, your ambivalence and your anxiety more than other parents experiencing the same issues will.
- Choose a compassionate and understanding obstetrician and pediatrician. Make sure they know about the death of your child so they will understand the root of all your concerns. Be sure that they are willing to address your questions, offer support and that they will be readily available should you need their assistance. This can make all the difference in the world for surviving a subsequent pregnancy.
- Create a birthing plan. Write down ways for your family and the hospital staff to accommodate you and make you more comfortable. Consider bringing a framed photograph of your deceased child to the hospital with you. Some parents say it helped make them feel as if they included their deceased child in the birth of his or her sibling.
- After the birth of your child, do whatever you need to do for yourself in order to ensure your peace of mind. Apnea monitors are available to parents who feel the need for that extra assurance. An apnea monitor will alert you when and if your child has stopped breathing for a dangerous period of time. It is not for everyone but it is a good option to consider particularly if your child died of SIDS. Some hospitals have apnea management programs and they are happy to answer your questions about the monitors.
- Include a section in your new baby's birth book about your deceased baby. Include photographs and information so that when he or she grows up, they too will know their older sibling.
- Invest in a video baby monitor. Many parents report that this one product saved them a great deal of worry and stress. Some video monitors are so sensitive that you will be able to hear your baby breathing. You will also be able to see your baby. This visual aid allows many parents to feel more comfortable while their subsequent child is napping.
Surviving a subsequent pregnancy is no easy task. It can be filled with apathy, ambivalence, excitement and bittersweet emotion. One thing is certain; it will be worth it! You will have another baby to love and cherish. And while your new child will never replace your deceased child, it is a precious gift to adorn with love and affection.
Beginnings
A new baby is on the way.
Not just any baby
It is your brother or sister.
I am so afraid
and angry
and excited
and sad.
Afraid that I will be hurt again.
Excited that I will have another child to give my love to.
Angry that you are gone.
And sad, every moment wishing you were here.
All of these emotions sometimes make me feel crazy.
But I know that I am not.
I am just a grieving mother,
Missing what should have been.
Dear Cheyenne © 1996 revised 1998 by Joanne Cacciatore
|