Sibling Page

Am I Still a Big Sister or Brother?
The grief of children
By Joanne Cacciatore

Pretty much all the honest truth telling there is in the world is done by children.
--Oliver Wendell Holmes

"How many brothers do you have?" they ask her.
"I have three brothers," she says.
"Wow! And how many sisters do you have?" they ask again.
"I have one sister. But she's in Heaven taking care of us," she replies proudly.

Those are words that made my eyes fill up with tears when I heard them. My daughter, six years old, has fearless strength I often envy. Her "matter of fact" attitude about her younger sister's death and her raw honesty filled me with a Mother's pride. I knew her outlook was healthy, despite the often-astonished looks she would draw from unsuspecting inquisitors. How do you help children through the grief process toward a healthy reconciliation after the death of a sibling?

In retrospect, I can think of several ways I tried to assist my two older sons and my older daughter to deal with the sudden death of their infant sister. The most difficult task was discussing her death and explaining what "death" is. I was very cautious about specific terminology I used. Keep in mind that in dealing with children, honesty is the best response. I never associated death with sleeping. I told them that their sister died. When you die, you do not ever come back on this earth. I explained that they would not see her again. This may be a good time to explain the difference, for those families that hold spiritual beliefs and values, between life on earth and life in Heaven. Again, remember to use caution when discussing God and death. Avoid telling the children that God took the baby. It may create deep feelings of anxiety or anger toward God or spiritual ideals. I made an effort to encourage questions and communication. Children may be too frightened to ask without assurance. Keep your answers honest and simple.

Another factor I feel was extremely beneficial for our children was our 'open emotion' policy. I allowed myself to cry, wherever and whenever I felt the need to. As a parent, they looked to me as an example. I was able to set a standard for them. My openness validated their feelings of loss and despair. It made them feel comfortable to come to me when they felt overwhelmed. I cried many, many times in front of them. And then I would let them see me laugh again. The expression of grief is not something to be hidden. Nor is it reason to be ashamed. The life and death of their deceased sibling is certainly worth the acknowledgment of the pain. In times when my children wanted to express their grief, I encouraged them to cry, yell, punch a pillow, and accompany me on a walk or anything else they felt would help them through the difficult time. On several occasions, I encouraged them to draw a picture or write a letter to their sister, which we would then take to the cemetery. In this way, they were able to express a great deal more than in attempting to verbalize an emotion difficult for them to communicate. Another helpful idea for siblings is to offer them a 'special' remembrance token of their sibling for them to keep. For example, giving them their sibling's favorite rattle or toy. It is a tangible reminder of a love that will never be forgotten. Every Christmas, our children choose a special ornament in memory of their sister to hang on our tree. It is engraved with her name and the year. They know we have not abandoned her memory, nor will they. Reassure your children they are still a "big brother" or "big sister" even after the death of their sibling. Reassure them they always will be. Take time, even years later, to reminisce together and share memories of your precious child. The pictures of our beloved daughter and sister still hang on our walls. They have become a permanent fixture in our home. Despite outside pressure, they remain. She is a significant part of our past, our present and our future. I want our children to know their sister. I encourage them to remember her and the beauty she gave our lives. Her surviving siblings have a simplistic and genuine gift of discernment for grieving. Everyday, I strive to become more and more like my children.

Note: If your child experiences:

Extended periods of depression in which he or she loses interest in daily activities and events
Inability to sleep, loss of appetite, prolonged fear of being alone
Acting much younger for extended periods of time
Withdraws from friends at school
Sharp drop in performance or refusal to attend school

These are warning signs which indicate that professional intervention may be needed. Please seek a therapist who specialized in grief and trauma. Also seek the aid of a support group for siblings. Some Compassionate Friends chapters nationwide have this available.

When You Thought I Wasn't Looking
When you thought I wasn't looking,
I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator,
and I wanted to paint another.
When you thought I wasn't looking,
I saw you feed a stray cat,
and I knew it was good to be kind to animals.
When you thought I wasn't looking,
I saw you make my favorite cake just for me,
and I knew that little things are special things.
When you thought I wasn't looking,
I heard you say a prayer,
and I believed there is a God I could always talk to.
When you thought I wasn't looking,
I felt you kiss me good night,
and I knew you loved me.
When you thought I wasn't looking,
I saw that you cared,
and I wanted to be everything that I could be.
When you thought I wasn't looking,
I saw tears come from your eyes,
and I learned that sometimes things hurt,
but it is all right to cry.