M.I.S.S.
Mothers In Sympathy & Support
The Journey Through Grief
- Stage One- Emotional Anesthesia
- Stage Two- Gradual Acceptance
- Stage Three- Reconciliation
You may feel overwhelmed with emotions during the first few weeks after your child's death, or more commonly you may feel as if you have been run over by a truck, still stunned. Forgetfulness, confusion and shock are all typical during the first stages of grief. The feeling as if you are still going to wake up and this will all be a bad dream is normal during this period. Your physical, mental and spiritual psyche are attempting to adjust to the extreme stress you are under. Be patient with yourself during this period. Allow others to help if you have other children. If you work outside the home and are able to take time off, this would be a good time. It is often difficult to concentrate on anything during this phase. If your infant has died, and you are planning on or have been breastfeeding your infant, the milk does not suddenly disappear. You may wish to consult with a lactation consultant for ideas on the least difficult ways to decrease and eliminate your milk supply. Inability to sleep is very commonplace during this period as is a lack of appetite, or the complete reverse of both. You may feel like nothing matters and may feel as if you care about nothing else at all. Sometimes it seems as if the whole world continues on, oblivious as to the horrific tragedy you are experiencing.
This generally occurs between the second week and the third month. This is a very challenging period, often even more difficult than stage one. Everyone has stopped sending the cards and flowers and now expects you to be the 'same old person' you once were. But right now, the anesthetic is just wearing off and the pain is very deep. It seems that no one wants to talk about your child anymore and you may wonder if they have all forgotten. For many, this is a very important time to become involved in a support group to assist with the overwhelming emotions. Many parents feel a deep isolation from others...friends have become strangers and strangers have become friends. This is also the stage where marital communication is critical if the marriage is to survive. Anger, resentment, questioning, guilt, blame, hopelessness, fear, paranoia, depression are all common emotions during stage two grief. Extreme emotional outbursts can occur anywhere. They can also be surprisingly frightening when they do occur. Day to day life is cumbersome and it is difficult to partake in shallow, mediocre conversations about the weather, work or sports. Toward the end of this stage, many are realizing that this nightmare really did happen and waking up is not an option. The gradual acceptance is a painful one.
For many individuals, this stage may not come for years. When a child dies, it is not just a moment in time lost, but rather, a whole lifetime of memories and joy. Many parents now realize they will never 'get over it' as many have urged by now. It is a process of learning to live with the pain. Eventually, a peace and acceptance occurs and grieving parents are able to live again. For many, reaching out to help others assists during the grieving process. Once in this stage, parents are able to reflect back on their child and his or her memory and cherish moments with them. Embracing lessons learned and gifts left behind as part of the specialness of their beloved child.