Table of Contents
Frank B. Finite (a "true" atheist)
Contact the fools - How you ca contact the us
Here is the transcript of the pilot episode of Darwin's Creek that we pitched to the AB (Atheist Brothers Television Network).
We are still awaiting their reply.
Opening scene: Darwin standing in his boat just off shore of the creek. Ashley, a small-town neighborhood teenager (female), comes to Darwin for advice.
Ashley: Darwin, do you have a minute?
Darwin: Time belongs to nature Ashley, not to me.
Ashley: Well, can I get your advice?
Darwin: I think I can find the time.
Ashley: Okay. You see, I like this boy.
Darwin: That's very natural.
Ashley: Yeah, his name is Biff. I think I may love him.
Darwin: Now that ISN'T natural.
Ashley: What?
Darwin: There is no such thing as love.
Ashley: What do you mean?
Darwin: Love is merely chemical reactions in the brain - pheromones, if you will.
Ashley: What are pheromones?
Darwin: Chemical substances that are produced by animals and serve to stimulate responses in other individuals of the same species.
Ashley: But I'm not an animal.
Darwin: Oh don't you count on it.
Ashley: I don't believe it!
Darwin: Alright then. What is love? Where does it come from?
Ashley: I don't know, it's hard to explain.
Darwin: I rest my case.
Ashley: Okay, whatever. Anyway . . .
Darwin: Cool, a lizard!
Ashley: What?
Darwin: There on the shore; see it? Oh rats! It went into the bushes. Anyway, what were you saying?
Ashley: I was saying that I like this boy . . .
Darwin: Oh yes - very natural.
Ashley: Well, I'm not sure if he likes me or not.
Darwin: Have you sent the right signals?
Ashley: I think so.
Darwin: Then what's the problem?
Ashley: Well, it may be my looks.
Darwin: How so?
Ashley: It may be my nose. It's a tad . . . large.
Darwin: Yes, I noticed.
Ashley: Is that so bad? I mean there's this other girl, Laura, who likes him too. But she doesn't have a big nose like I do. I'm worried.
Darwin: How do you know she likes him? Is she sending signals too.
Ashley: Maybe, but I know she likes him because I read a note she passed to someone else in class the other day.
Darwin: Look Ashley, you can't help what nose you were born with. It is probably genetically programmed from your ancestors - probably as a result of using it to pry into other peoples' business over the centuries - therefore growing longer.
Ashley: How does this help me?
Darwin: Actually it doesn't. I'm just trying to educate you.
Ashley: What can I do?
Darwin: Get a nose job.
Ashley: Isn't that a little superficial? I mean, shouldn't he love me for who I am?
Darwin: First of all, if you say love one more time, I'm going right back into my cabin to continue my research.
Ashley: Sorry.
Darwin: Second, there is not such thing as superficial. This is the real world Ashley. It's dog eat dog. If you really want him you're going to have to do what it takes.
Ashley: Including a nose job?
Darwin: Exactly. Don't believe in fairy tales about loving you for who you are. Either he will be attracted to you or not.
Ashley: Well, it HAS to be more than just attraction! I mean, hopefully he would like to spend quality time with me.
Darwin: My dear, "attraction" is merely the process by which the REAL reason for you liking him (and he liking you) is.
Ashley: And what is that real reason?
Darwin: For him, it is mating.
Ashley: Nothing more?
Darwin: That's it. But don't be discouraged, it's only natural.
Ashley: That's hard to believe!
Darwin: A guy in the future named Freud will confirm this. You can't fight it.
Ashley: Well, what is MY real reason?
Darwin: You need someone who is going to provide the best genes for your offspring.
Ashley: Is that it?!
Darwin: No. You also seek security. This is why you sought out Biff. Tell me, is he really all that?
Ashley: Oh yes! He's gorgeous, captain of the football team and comes from a well-to-do family!
Darwin: Yep, he's an alpha male alright. Someone like that would probably offer the best security for your offspring.
Ashley: So you think he'll be faithful?!
Darwin: Whoa - hold on there young missy. I didn't exactly say that!
Ashley: What's the difference?
Darwin: Well, if he's the stud you say he is, then you can probably expect him to spread his seed far and wide. Many alpha males in the animal kingdom have harems.
Ashley: That's horrible!
Darwin: No, it's natural. See those dragon flies mating over there? Once they're finished the male will fly off and find another female and never come back. Biff is probably no different than that male dragon fly.
Ashley: Well I'm not going to fall for someone like that!
Darwin: Then you might as well become a librarian.
Ashley: I'm so mad I could spit.
Darwin: There is a bright side.
Ashley: There is?
Darwin: Yes. If you're NOT going to fall for an attractive roaming alpha male, then you will save quite a bit of money by not having to get that nose job for your honker.
Ashley: I feel horrible now. I think I'll go home (starts to cry).
Darwin: Now there, there. Don't be upset, that won't help anything. The stress will only shorten your life span, not your nose.
Ashley starts crying harder.
Darwin: It's not that bad. Many other animals have a barge . . . I mean . . . a large nose.
Ashley runs off sobbing fearing that she's just an animal and that "looks" is all that matters.
Darwin looks down in a moment of reflection.
Darwin: Cool! Another lizard!
