|
9/28/03 - Impostering |
|
The following is a compilation of seven conversations in which total strangers blindly believe that I am someone they know from real life. Despite the fact that my profile and diction are undoubtedly different from those of the retard they think I am, they just keep on jabbering to me. And I, fascinated by how these people use the internet let alone dress themselves, allow them to open up. Then I go in there and penetrate the hell out of them. With words, I mean. Not, ya know. My thing.
|
|
Title |
Description |
|
Goth Sex |
Our first convo is one I had with some girl who thought that I had a Face The Jury account. Well, I have news for you: I don't use Face the Jury. If I wanted stranger ogling my face and getting to know me I'd create an elaborate website. Ah, crap. Anyway, this lady tries to seduce me and I talk about sex and vomiting. Warning: Strong Vagina Language.
|
|
"Daniel" Sleeps With Some Whore |
Some lady IMs me and thinks my name is Daniel, so I do what any self-respecting in this person would do: I insulted her and insinuated that she and "I" had intercourse several times. I guess talking about sex is funny when you're doing it with somebody else's penis.
|
|
Fiddles, Tampons, and Farting Satan |
Some idiot IMs me and just assumes that I'm dating her friend. Without hesitation, I tell her that I've been using her friend and that I want her to call me. I imagine this led to people crying in real life.
|
|
"Chris" Dislikes Some Girl's Boobs |
The previous girl's friend IMs me and demands to know who I am. And, because younger people on the internet are a half step above blind apes, this girl soon believes that I am her ex boyfriend and that I do not like her butt.
|
|
Death Threats and Face Paint |
Of course, when pretending to be eight people, one of these persons will eventually be hated by somebody who pretends to be a clown. In this convo, some stranger begins by saying I've been talking behind his back, which is somewhere between unlikely and impossible. But, since I love any fight that doesn't involve my own neck being broken, I confused him with big words until I got bored and left to play Nintendo or something.
|
|
Third Grade Humor and Further Smack Talking |
The previous guy's buddy IMs and tries to trick me into joining a chat room, but in the midst of all of his typo-laden insults I make a deliberately lame joke and dwell on it while this clown person gets enraged.
|
|
Identity Theft |
Some kid with a similar screen name accuses me of pretending to be him and then threatens to call the police. Elaborating on the story here just couldn't fully capture the insanity that happens as a result of this kid being retarded.
|
|
3/31/03 - Skateboarders, Goths, and True American Patriots |
|
For some reason, people pass around my screen name like it's some funny flavor-of-the-week Flash movie. So one night a kid who I'm guessing isn't through puberty decides to IM me one night. And hell, I was bored, so I told a little fib about how I'd cut him if he came to my neighborhood. Then his brother decided to threaten me. Then one of his brother's friends convincingly pretended to be my mom and then told me to die. And it turns out none of them love America as much as I do, so naturally I made them cry with talk of American pride and the undead. |
|
Title |
Description |
|
Skateboarding |
Why do kids who are obviously too young and full of stupid to be on the internet go on AIM and talk to me of all people? This kid is an idiot. Watch your back, Maryland, the fictional town of Glennsburg will make you taste pain from the spoon of extreme skateboarding! |
|
Machedy of Doom |
And, of course, his big bad brother has to come to his rescue with empty internet threats. |
|
My Mom the Vampire |
This entire conversation was originally done with Mr. Vampire using a black background. Note that he if he's not saying "huh" or "what" then he's misspelling a swear word or talking about gay people. Don't ask me why my screen name appears in black a lot. Blame Dracula for that one. |
|
Ima Cut You |
I don't get why people IM me if they're just going to call me something bitch-related and then sign off. |
|
All American Chat Room |
All of this hatred directed toward me and America crescendoed into a no-holds-barred chat room free-for-all. No egos were spared as I called people stupid and they angrily responded with a flurry of colored fonts and the letter "u" instead of "you." Who wins this clash of the swear words? Read the convo to find out! (The answer is "None of us" because no one wins on the internet.) |
|
Title |
Description |
|
KILL WHITEY |
Bunny and I talk to each other. I don't even know the stupid hooker. But I do know that she's slower than a freshman cheerleader. (Update - Her profile says that she IS a cheerleader. That's sad.) |
|
Great cyber sex |
People who have cyber sex need to die. Or at least get disgusted. I did my part in cyber sex prevention. |
|
GO AWAY, BUNNY
|
Bunny's IM window makes a return appearance on my computer screen. And, using all the charm I could muster, I got the bitch to go away. Wait a sec, I didn't use my charm. I just swore at her and then blocked her. I'm stil not sure why the bitch insists on saying that she gave me head, considering I've never met her. For all I know she's some horny old man in a G-string sitting in his parents' basement while wearing Star Trek shirts and eating aborted fetuses. You never know. |
|
Crabby Lagomorph
|
Bunny wasn't "in the mood". This was one of the few occasions that I actually IMed her and not vice versa. As luck would have it, she wasn't happy. I almost gave two halves of a shit. |
|
I'm such a dirty bastered
|
Bunny returns with just as much spelling ability missing as last time. |
|
Silly Rabbit |
FOR THE LOVE OF A DONKEY, PLEASE GET THE WOMAN AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER. |
|
"R U REELY GREAN?" |
It appears another little girl has discovered her father's work laptop and gone online with nothing more than a friendly attitude and a poor grasp of the English language. |
|
Fun Little Game |
Bunny isn't a very quick learner. We begin playing a game and she immediately loses. Damn cheerleaders. |
|
Blunt Hatred |
A short-lived harrassment session with Bunny |
|
Guess What |
Bunny wanted a "serious talk". She received something much, much better. |
|
Repetition |
I decided to do what I could to show Bunny that I don't like her by repeating everything she said. Then I just get sick of it and swear at her. |
|
Immature Swearing |
Six "I love you"s are replied to with some pathetically primitive sentences laced with tasteless vulgarity. |
|
So Long, Farewell |
A tearful goodbye to my mentally handicapped buddy. Good riddance. |
|
Persistence |
Some people never give up. |
|
Call Me Leroy |
Last time I checked, my name wasn't Elliot. And the only living thing I've ever met named Cody was a dog. But hell, I can pretend, can't I? |
|
I'm still Leroy |
The girl recognizes me as the dumpster chick guy and she still continues to talk to me. The idiot. |
|
Severe Immaturity |
I don't think I've ever heard a little girl use the word "fuck" so much. At least she gets creative and spells it wrong sometimes. |
|
That Tricky Moron |
The girl with the bling blingin' screen name goes on another name to figure out if I'm Elliot...as if that weren't obvious enough. |
|
Serious Conversation |
The Cashmoney hoe wants a serious conversation. Of course, she doesn't get one. Nothing really special here, unless you count the unveiling of my new favorite sport. |
Due to numerous stupid questions I've written an insightful look into the heart of Bunny.
