When
Love Hurts: Stories of Domestic Violence
 It
is estimated that one in four women are likely to experience
domestic violence at some point in their lives. This
accounts for one quarter of all violent crime and can
include rape, punching or hitting, pulling hair out,
threatening with a gun or knife, or even threatening to kill
her. One in three men who are violent to their female
partners are also violent to their children.
Abuse
Can Happen to Anyone
Domestic violence can happen to any woman, regardless of her
age, profession or class – or that of the man who beats her.
Marina's Story
"Kyle
works in Information Technology," says primary school
teacher Marina, 24, who finally left her boyfriend 18 months
ago. "One of the things which drew me to him was how
well-mannered and polite he was. It made it even more of a
shock the first time he hit me. He was so sorry afterwards
that I thought it was a one-time thing, and he'd go back to
being his normal, quiet self. But after it happened the
first time, it became what he did, whenever we had an
argument. It was like he had one personality for the rest of
the world, and one which he kept for when he got home – that
was the one who beat me and kicked me in the stomach."
Amy's
Story
Many
woman who experience domestic violence are afraid to speak
out about what they're suffering because they think it's
their fault, or are too ashamed of what's happened to them
to admit it. "I was so frightened of my boyfriend," says
Amy, 20. "If we had the slightest disagreement, he'd turn on
me, out of the blue, and attack me, really punching and
slapping, and then say, look what you've made me do to you.
I'd go round my friend's house and sit in her kitchen and
cry because I was so frightened of him, but I never dared
tell her what he'd done. I just used to say I was depressed
about our relationship. I couldn't tell anyone what was
happening. I was terrified that if he found out I'd said
anything behind his back, he'd attack me again, but I was
also worried that she'd think – like I did – that it was
somehow my fault."
Afraid
to Speak Out
Amy is
not alone; two out of three women who suffer domestic
violence don't tell family, friends or the authorities about
it. Research has shown that side-effects of domestic
violence include feelings of low self-esteem, hopelessness
about ending the violence and, at their most intense, severe
depression and suicidal tendencies.
There
are safe spaces for women who want to leave a situation
where domestic violence is involved. There are hundreds of
refuges in the United States, and a woman who chooses to go
to one can move as far away as she wants from the man who is
abusing her. The first step towards escaping violence is to
call a helpline that will immediately put the wheels in
motion.
A
woman who is being abused should call a domestic violence
helpline to assist them. These organizations provide refuge
for women who are being abused. When they call one of these
hotlines, someone will listen to her, and talk her through
her options. In these refuges, people can stay with their
children until they can get find a new place to live.
Addresses are kept secret and women know that they have a
safe place to stay while they put their lives back together.
Although our shelters are only for abused women, if a young
man is fleeing violence, he should call the helpline, and we
will try to help and advise him, as well as recommend a
place where he can stay. Click here for information about
Domestic Violence against Males.
In
these shelters, a woman will have a bedroom, and share
living rooms, kitchens, and bathrooms with other women who
have been in the same boat. Some women come because of
spousal abuse, family violence, either from brothers or
parents, or because they've been abused by their boyfriend.
These women come from a wide range of backgrounds.
Often,
women go back to the man who treats them violently.
Sometimes a woman will leave several times before she
finally leaves for good. Young women especially may have
very mixed feelings – they may still love the person who has
battered them.
The
first thing a woman who is suffering violence at home should
do is talk to somebody. If they keep what's happening to
themselves, it stops them getting the help they need. It's
important that women know that they can go to the police for
advice – they don't have to press charges. They'll be put in
touch with a refuge helpline or group, and that's where the
real support and information will come from. They'll get
help – and they'll realize that it's not just them. One in
four women will experience domestic violence in her
lifetime... you are not alone.
The
following are stories of domestic violence as told by real
victims.
Linda's Story
My name is Linda and I
started having a bad life at 18. I met what I thought was a
wonderful man. He was one of my bosses from work. He was so
kind to me at fist. We would spend lovely times together
just having fun. I seemed important to him; at least I
thought I was.
After we were dating for
about 2.5 months I found out I was pregnant and I wanted no
more children. I already had a son and I was too young for
him but another would have been havoc. So I told Joe that I
wanted to terminate the pregnancy and that is when it all
started.
He kept me home and fired me
from my job. For the 1st time he hit me right across the
face because I said I was leaving him. He dragged me into
the dept. store and said we are going shopping so stop
crying like a baby. He acted like it was nothing and I knew
it was wrong but I did as I was told. I was 18 and he was
31. I thought an older man would be better for me but I was
wrong!
The hitting became beatings
almost every day. Even though I was pregnant, he did not
care. He said, "If you were a good girl I wouldn't have to
discipline you so much." I hated hearing that. Be a good
girl- that was screwed up ya' know?
I had my daughter and I
thought it would help us but it didn't. It just meant that I
was stuck with him. The black eyes and busted lips and
bruised body was all I knew and he was taking my heart too.
I was no longer living near my parents and I was forbidden
to have friends or should I say a life?
Two years later I became
pregnant and I was not at all happy with that. But of course
I had to stay pregnant. It cooled him down a little and he
always said he was sorry. I hated my life and I wanted it to
end but I had children whom I loved and I couldn't leave
them. That is what keeps me alive. I tried to get help from
my dad but he said THAT I MADE MY BED NOW - lay in it!! That
hurt so much because I thought daddies were there to help
when you needed them most.
My father was angry with me
because I had children and he said it was my fault I put
myself in that type of position. My mom couldn't even help
me she could barely take care of herself. So as my pregnancy
progressed he was a little nicer to me- we had twins now.
That was the worse news to me. I kept thinking how am I
going to leave with 4 kids.
I paid for a tubal ligation
so I couldn't have any more children with him. I started
saving a dollar here and a dollar there so I could escape my
hell with my children. I remember one day that I told him I
hated him with every bone in my body. He hit me so hard I
went flying at least 10 feet across the bed and onto the
floor. Blood dripping from my mouth, I just smiled and said,
"Are you done?" I was so tired of him hitting me and
controlling me as a person that I had had enough!
He started hitting me some
more and I didn't back down. He finally walked away. The
days went by and I would get hit because I didn't vacuum
first then dust. The house was not clean enough or there was
a fork in the sink I would get slapped again. He made
excuses to hit me. So I bided my time till I could leave.
A few years later I was going
to be gone within a few months then I found out I was
pregnant again. I was floored because I paid to be fixed.
Well I was that 1% that could get pregnant. So I stayed
until my last child was 1 and a 1/2 and I packed my things
and left.
I left the children behind
because I couldn't care for 5 children. I took the oldest
child with me because he was mine and not his. I became a
stripper to care for my son and we did fine and I thought I
would finally be free of violence. I loved my new life of no
more long sleeved shirts or pants to cover the bruises.
Then I met James and he swore
he would never hit me and he didn't for 1 1/2 years. Then
one day I was out riding my bike and I pulled into the front
yard and he was yelling and all of a sudden I fell down. He
had hit me in the face so hard I had lost my balance. I
still do not know why he hit me that day he never told me.
I stayed with him for a few
more months hoping it was a mistake and it would never
happen again. But I was wrong again. I let him move in with
me in hopes of a good relationship. It did not last long.
One night I went out with my
friends like I always did on Fridays and when I got home he
yelled and screamed at me for being out while he was
working. I basically told him he needed to leave because it
was not working out then he hit me across the face a couple
of times. I got up and ran for the phone to call for help.
He pulled it out of the wall. He kept saying why are you
making me do this to you? He grabbed my hair and was
dragging me into the bedroom and I knew what that meant from
experience I began to scream for help.
My son heard me and I
hollered to him to get the neighbors and he did. He saved my
life. James was arrested and given 1.5 years and no contact.
I moved after that. We were over and I was over with men at
least I thought I was.
Then one day my friend
introduced me to a handsome sweet intelligent man and I fell
for him hard. I was tired of being put down and bruised but
my girlfriend assured me that he was good. She lied! He was
worse than the other two put together. It was pure hell and
I didn't realize what pain really was till I was with Jeff.
He hit me every day even if he woke up in a good mood. I
hated life and everyone in it. I thought that this is how my
life was meant to be so I stayed for 6.5 years till I
couldn't take it no more.
He would call my job all of
the time and make me bring home a register receipt to prove
what time I left. He held a gun to my head and said, If you
want to die, let's do it." He would hit me in the face all
of the time. Everyone at my job knew he was mean but no one
would help me. Finally after he broke my windshield for the
3rd time I left and moved 20 minutes away and transferred to
another store. He found me once again.
He called us all hours of the
night yelling nasty things to myself and my roommate. He
threatened her a lot and finally after 6 months of calls I
finally agreed to see him in hopes of it being the last
time. I was hoping that he had realized that after 6.5 years
of hate he would finally end it and be civil. I wanted him
to go on with his life so I could without him. I wanted to
stop looking over my shoulder and my dreams would stop
keeping me up at night. I wanted sleep again. I wanted to
smile again. I wanted to be ME again.
He invited me to his birthday
party so I figured I would be safe. I was so tired from
working 18 hours straight but I made it to the party and
there was other people there so I was ok with it. He was
drinking and taking Librium pills the next door neighbor got
him. I should have known to leave but I didn't.
I fell asleep on the couch
and I awakened to him standing over me just looking at me in
a confused look. I asked him what he was doing and he
grabbed my throat and said, "you think you can just walk
away from me. No you can't." I froze for a moment because I
had this strange feeling rush over me and I can't completely
describe it but it was scary. I knew then if I didn't get
away from him I would die! I knew it and I didn't know how
but I was terrified beyond belief. I pushed him off and ran
for the door. He got up and chased me and it started a fight
because I was determined to win this one. He grabbed my hair
and pulled and yanked it hurt so bad that I could barely
stand the pain. I wrapped my arms around the railing of the
outside steps and held on for life. My arms began to bleed
from scraping the wood rail back and forth but I held on.
He finally got me loose and I
fell to the top step with my face down hoping to pass out. I
knew I had to stay alive and that meant staying awake. He
grabbed my head and began pounding it into the top step. It
hurt and all I could do was cry and fight back. I saw blood
dripping onto the step and I knew I had to be bleeding from
my face now. It was a mess all over the steps. He yanked me
up and I dropped to the steps again and he kept telling me
to get up and get inside and I kept yelling for help. No one
listened. He grabbed my hair and dragged me inside and I
grabbed the doorway in hopes of tiring him out because I was
tired. I dug my nails into the wood frame around the door
making my fingers bleed and nails breaking from the pressure
I could no longer hold on. I was now inside and he picked me
up and threw me up against the wall calmly talking to me
saying that we were soul mates and we had to be together. He
said that our lives, especially his, was not going to be
wasted by me. I owed him and I say I owed him nothing! We
fought some more hitting each other profusely not taking a
breath. I pushed him away and he fell over the end table he
looked up and then unscrewed the table and came at me again
and caught me right across the nose. I felt dizzy and out of
it.
I remember saying to myself
if there is a God, please help me. I will never doubt Your
existence again. I never believed in God until that night.
Jeff kept hitting me and made me walk the house with him.
Finally I had him convinced that we would marry tomorrow. He
stopped. He brought me into the kitchen to wipe my face off
because he said I was a mess. He told me to go shower and
change into some of his pajamas and we would watch our
favorite movie. I agreed. I rushed upstairs and got into the
shower and cried so hard it hurt. I looked down at the water
and it was red all red. That's all I could see and I cried
even more. My face hurt so much that I couldn't bring myself
to look at it. I got out of the shower and dried off quickly
and ran down stairs. He laid on the couch babbling about how
I made him do that to me. He made me make a promise to be
good and to marry him. I was to obey him forever and we
would never be apart again.
I waited for him to fall
asleep. It was midnight so that meant we had been fighting
for 1 hour. I was so tired and dizzy but all I could think
of was getting out. I waited for him to snore so I would
know he was asleep. I went to the back door and unlocked the
first lock 2 more to go. I waited a little while longer and
opened another then another then I ran out the door as
quickly as I could run. I ran down the steps and didn't look
back. My feet were bleeding from running down the rocky
driveway. All I could think was getting help.
I ran across the street to a
neighbor's house it was 3:30 in the morning. I tapped on his
window and begged for him to let me in. He opened the door
and let me in we called the police and it was now over for
me and him. I thank the Davidson county police of Tennessee
for all their help. I get to live again. I am now 36 years
older and am finally happy. I forgot what it was like to
breathe on my own again. I haven't seen Jeff in 3 years and
I keep track of him. He is still in jail and I have found
someone who is the best thing in my life besides my
children. 3 times is a charm - no the 4th is!!!!
A
Story of Jealousy and Control
In the summer of 1996, I met
a guy and we knew each other for about three weeks, and then
he moved in with my son and I. And he was good to my son and
I, he bought me cards and flowers every day and this went on
for three months. One day I went to the grocery store and I
had been gone about an hour and when I got home Eddie was
furious with me. Eddie slammed me down on the couch, causing
me to hit my head on the piano.
Eddie told me that when I go
to the store I only had ten minutes to do the shopping and
get home. When I would go visit my mom and dad I could only
stay for ten minutes. I couldn't go have coffee with them in
the mornings like I always had done. When I was gone longer
than ten minutes Eddie would start pushing me around and he
would grab my upper arm and drag me to the bedroom, that's
where he always would start beating on me. Eddie would
bruise my arm every time he grabbed me like that.
I had this bowling activity
one night a week and it would take two and a half hours to
bowl and I had to get home right after I was done. Well one
night I was a half hour late getting home because I went
over to see my mom and dad and when I got home Eddie grabbed
me by the arm once again and off to the bedroom, he threw me
down on the bed and held me there and then he started head
butting me. This happened several times. Eddie always told
me I'd better not ever hurt him. I bent over backwards for
him so he wouldn't beat me up. But it was never good enough
for him. Eddie was never happy unless he was beating me up.
As time went on things got worse. When I would go to work
Eddie would call my place of work several times during the
day to check up on me. Eddie told me I wasn't to talk to any
of my co-workers. On day Eddie come to pick me up from work
and I was talking to my manager, and it was a guy. When we
got home he started knocking me around again. Every time he
got done with me he would always say he was sorry and he
would never do this again. Eddie always begged me for
another chance and I would. When Eddie would go to work and
I had the day off I had to sit by the phone, I couldn't go
visit my parents, because he called every five minutes to
see if I was there, and if I wasn't he would leave work to
come check on me. Eddie would make up stories just so he
would have a reason to beat me up or call me names when he
got home. Eddie called me one day and asked me what a blue
truck was doing in my drive way and I no idea what he was
talking about so when I told him there was not a truck in my
drive way he would start beating up on me. Eddie always
called me a liar, a slut and a bitch. Eddie always told me
he had someone watching my every move, and when I would come
home and he had told me some of the places I had been that
day I really thought someone was watching me, and then I
really began to get scared. Eddie always accused me of
cheating on him and when I denied it he would slap me around
again. One morning I got up to go to work, Eddie got and
started a fight with me, and when I left for work about ten
minutes later he called and said he cut his hand and had to
go to the hospital, I asked him how he cut his hand and he
wouldn't tell me. I told him I couldn't get off to take him
to the hospital then he hung up on me. About fifteen minutes
later here comes into my place of work demanding I take him
to the hospital so I gave him the keys to the truck so he
could take him self. When I got home from work I found out
how he cut his hand, he the mirror in the bathroom and broke
it.
Eddie also always told me If
I hurt him he was going to take my truck and drive off of
Dead Horse Point, National Park. Eddie told me I would have
his mother to answer too, as to why he drove off of Dead
Horse Point. Eddie told me it was my fault for him beating
me up. As time went on I was getting really scared for my
life and by this time I was really so far in that I was
afraid to kick him out. I talked to my sister and she told
me if I was to kick him out to call the cops for back up,
and I told her that he would never hurt me, that was not the
truth because he had been hurting me all along.
I couldn't go to my family
about what was happening because he told me he would go
after them if I ever told them what was happening. So to
save them I had to keep quiet.
Eddie cut me off from my
family and my friends and I didn't know why at first, then I
figured it out, Eddie was afraid I was going to talk about
what was really happening to me, this was a threat to him.
Eddie was afraid I was going to find out about his past and
get rid of him. Well I did find out about his past after he
nearly killed me. I was out side talking to my neighbor and
I had been out there for about thirty minutes and Eddie came
out and told me
I had a phone call and I told
him I didn't hear the phone ring and he made up some story
as to why I didn't hear the phone, so I went in to answer
the phone and I get in the house and there was no one on the
phone, he told me they hung up. Eddie used this type of
stuff to get me away from anyone I might confide in. One day
Eddie called me at work several times and I didn't want to
talk to him. My managers told him I was busy and I couldn't
talk, well he got mad and walked down to my place of work
and when I saw him coming I told my boss I didn't want to
talk to him and my boss sent me to the office. Eddie stormed
in and demanding my boss to come get me. When my boss told
him no, Eddie stormed back to the office, and my boss
followed him and told him to leave but he wouldn't. Eddie
got in my boss's face and threatened him. Eddie wanted the
keys to the truck and I wouldn't give them to him and he got
madder and madder so I gave him the keys so he would leave
and leave me alone.
On October 31, 1996, I was
dressing my son up to take him out trick or treating and
Eddie kept asking me how long are you going to be gone and I
told him I didn't know. Eddie told me not to get in a car
with my mom, he kept telling me she would have me put away
so I couldn't be with him and I told him no she wouldn't,
but he said it so many times he had himself believing it. My
mom and I took my son out and we were gone about and hour
and a half. So when we got home here comes Eddie out from no
where he was really really angry and demanding to know where
I was, he saw me getting out of my mom's car. I told him we
had taken my son around to some homes. My son had just gone
into the bowling alley before all of this started taking
place. Eddie had hit the hood on my truck he had been
calling my parent's house the whole time we were gone. Eddie
said let's go home now. My mom had asked me if I was going
to be all right and I said yes I will be all right and I
will call you in a little bit. Eddie hated it when I would
talk to my parents he was really nervous about me telling
what was really going on in my house. Eddie would never talk
about his past then I was really scared of what kind of
person he really was. Eddie would go through my mail, I had
no idea what he was looking for. Eddie is a real possessive
and jealous person and very very controlling.
In November of 1996 my dad
bought a bus ticket for Eddie and bused him down to Texas to
get him out of my life, because my mom and dad knew he was
really going to hurt me and I was blind to it. Eddie called
and said he bought a bus ticket to Colorado and asked me if
I would pick him up and bring him back and I did, little did
I know what was going to happen. I thought some time away he
would change but it didn't the beatings started again.
On February 10, 1997 I got up
and went to work, normal every day routine. When I got to
work everything seem to be cool. To my knowledge there were
no phone calls and I went on about my work. When I got home
every thing seem ok there to. At 7:00 p.m. I got a call from
my dad and he asked me to come over to his house because we
had to talk and I told him I would be right there, I hung up
the phone and Eddie asked me who that was and I said it was
my dad and he asked me what he wanted and I said he wants to
talk to me, and Eddie begged me not to go and I told I had
to go talk to dad. Eddie told me I better be home in a half
hour and I said ok. I got over to dad's house and dad told
me Lori who was my general manager said Eddie called my
place of work that day ten times. And Lori was going to have
to let me go if I didn't take care of this situation, my job
was on the line because of Eddie. Well I wasn't going to
choose Eddie over my job so I told my dad I was going home
to kick him out. Well I had been there for a half hour and
the phone starting ringing off the hook, and I just about
jumped out of my skin and my dad could tell I was nervous so
when we got done talking I had gone over to the bowling
alley to visit my friends because I knew what was going to
happen when I got home. I told my sister I was going to kick
him out and she said I better call the cops and I told her I
would be all right. It was 8:20 p.m. and I went back over to
the house to tell my dad that I was going home. Dad asked me
if I wanted him to come over with me and I said no that I
had to do this and he said ok. It is now 8:30 and I got home
and when I crossed this street with a four way stop I look
up the street to see if any cars were coming and I saw Eddie
he started walking down to my parents house and when he
turned and saw me on my way home he was here in less than
five minutes. He asked me what we talked about and I told
him and he said my boss was a fat lying bitch. Eddie then
said to me what are you going to do about it, I told him I
wanted him to move out. Eddie then grabbed my are like
always and dragged me to the bedroom and threw me down on
the bed, and then Eddie went to the kitchen and I heard the
drawer open but I didn't know what he was doing and by this
time I was really scared so I picked up the phone by my bed
to call my dad and I just as I started to dial the number
and Eddie came back into the bedroom and looked me in the
eye and said (I quote) I told you to never hurt me and when
I turned around he was standing there with a knife. When I
tried to get away he swung the knife down-wards cutting me
on my left chest and I turned my back to him and I felt the
knife going in, after Eddie stabbed me he went out the back
door and threw the knife over the fence and at this time I
had a chance to call my dad and I was so hysterical I didn't
get to tell him Eddie stabbed me, dad hung up and he and my
sister were there in about five minutes. Eddie came back in
and said let's call 911 and I told him to get the hell away
from me and to never touch me again. Eddie went out the
front door and I followed him out so I could see which
direction he was going to run. I stepped out on the porch in
a bloody white sweat shirt and my dad fought Eddie to the
ground and the cops arrived at that time. Eddie used a 10
inch boning knife on me. The cops called for an ambulance
and then I was transported to the hospital, I arrived there
at 9:00 p.m. and they had to stitch up the wound on my back,
and then they had to put a chest tube in, I was in ER for an
hour and a half they had to take pictures of my wounds and
doctor all of the wounds. The hospital staff told me they
had to air lift to a hospital in Colorado. At 11:30 p.m. Air
Life flew me to Colorado and I arrived at that hospital at
2:00 a. m. I was in there for a week. I was released on
February 14, four days later.
Eddie was sentenced to no
less than 1 year and no more than 15 years in prison, he
served nine months and then he came up for parole, I wrote
letter's to the Board of Pardons and I also appeared at the
hearing. Eddie got two years. In the mean time Eddie messed
up and he got another year. Eddie was released from prison
on February 13, 2001. I asked the Board of Pardons to banned
Eddie from the town I live in. I also requested electronic
monitoring, and was paroled to Texas. I Still track his
case, I know in my heart the more interest I take in keep on
top of things the more support I get from the Board of
Pardons and the Law.
UPDATE: Aug. 9, 2003:
Eddie is now back in prison, parole hearing was on July 30,
2003 Parole was denied and in 30 days Board of Pardons will
have a decision on what they will do with him.
A
Story of Mental, Financial, Physical, & Sexual Abuse
I was married to a man who
did everything in his power to hurt me mentally,
financially, physically, and sexually. I was with him for 13
years, and he was a great husband until the last couple of
years. Suddenly he changed.
I educated myself, and
started a business, and he tried everything to stop me. It
seemed the better my business did, the more controlling he
became. He started not paying bills. Withholding sex.
Ignoring me. Calling me names. One night I woke up to him
yelling at me at 3 am. He had a knife hanging in the
bedroom, with a 10" blade. I woke several nights to being
hit, but he said he was sleeping and didn't know he was
doing it. He scared me.
I stopped sleeping in our
room. I found porno books around the house. I asked many
times for him not to leave them laying around, as I have a 6
year old son. He did it anyway. So I had to keep checking to
make sure nothing was around that my son would get into.
I proceeded with my business,
refusing to give up, and he got more ugly daily. It ended
after a 911 call to police, when he threatened to smash my
office equipment, and hurt me. I got a restraining order and
had the police remove him. My divorce was just signed this
month.
I have a new man now, a good
man I am dating, and he took me into a jewelry store to just
look but I was so stressed out, I wouldn't look at anything,
and stayed back. All I wanted to do is leave.
I didn't realize I had
possibly had Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, until I talked
with a friend who is a Psych. Tech. I didn't realize I am
worried about commitment. I didn't understand what was going
on, why did I react that way? I don't like the feeling I had
at all. I HAVE A LOT TO WORK OUT!!
Click on the following link
to find out if you have
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
A
Story of Near Death
I saw the gun my husband was
holding as he stood in the door way of our kitchen. After
years of being intimidated to stay in the abusive
relationship, I thought to myself "not this time, gun or no
gun". I defiantly turned my back to him and his AK-47, and
walked toward the backdoor that was in the kitchen.
Something in my head asked "where is the phone?" I looked up
and saw the cordless phone in it's cradle on the kitchen
wall. It was a millisecond later that I smelled gunpowder
and heard a pop. I caught myself on the kitchen table with
my right hand while my left hand was holding my side
actually trying to realize that I had been shot.
I sat down, I didn't know
what to do. It didn't hurt, I could breath, but I could tell
that something wasn't right. My husband come over to me and
I looked up at him and said "you shot me. Call 911." He was
putting another bullet in the gun. I got up and reached for
the phone. I dialed 91 but before I dialed the other 1 he
took the phone away from me. He repeatedly said "oh no you
don't" I didn't wait to find out what was next I turned to
go to the bedroom to use that phone. As I started walking my
legs felt weak, this unfathomable burn started in my chest
and rib cage. When I got to the living room I couldn't go
any further. I couldn't breath. I couldn't scream because I
couldn't get any air. I couldn't move because it would burn
and hurt worse so I fell to the floor.
I begged and pleaded for him
to call 911. I apologized for whatever it was I did wrong.
He said to me "oh no you are gonna die now". I crawled to
the front door, reached up and opened it. I was laying half
way in the house with my head on the front porch. I tried to
scream for help, but it only came out as a whisper. Then I
felt open the door away from my legs. He drug me back inside
and then he called 911. WHAT A HERO.
I spent 8 days in ICU and 9
days on the regular floor of a hospital. I had horrible
HORRIBLE nightmares in the hospital. I woke one night
hitting my arms against the hospital bed railings and
screaming. I woke before the nurses got there. I had had a
dream that I was hitting the insides of my coffin. Since
then, it is just same old nightmares. Some nights are better
than others.
I see these shirts and bumper
stickers on cars that say "NO FEAR". I laugh to myself, and
wonder, do these people really know what fear is? At the
same time I envy them for the ignorance. That used to be me.
A
Story of Abuse and PTSD
I was diagnosed with Post
Traumatic Stress Disorder yesterday. Finally, I understand
what has and is happening to me.
My ex-husband began hitting
me before we were married. Instead of seeing it as a 'red
flag,' I embraced the belief that it had happened only
because of who I was and something I must have done.
I embraced this philosophy
during 26 years of marriage. it was always 'my fault' and if
I could 'change,' the emotional and physical abuse would
end. Of course, it didn't.
In the meantime, I became
increasingly fearful, anxious, and depressed. I became an
alcoholic, which only increased the beatings. I became an
'expert' at lying about why I couldn't come to work, why I
couldn't make social engagements, and at applying make-up to
cover the bruises. After one particular beating, I told my
ex-husband I thought I had a broken rib. He said, "You know
where the hospital is, go there."
On the day my youngest son
went away to school, there was an altercation, and my
ex-husband and son pulled out of the driveway, while I lay
unconscious on the garage floor. When I regained
consciousness, my glasses were broken, I had two black eyes,
a chipped tooth, and a split lip. I left that night.
Since that time, I have been
in alcohol abuse rehabilitation, have been taking the
anti-anxiety/anti-depressant drug Paxil, and attending
weekly AA meetings.
For a time, all of that
worked. I began a promising 'new life.' However, in the last
few months, I have been experiencing increased depression,
anxiety, and physical problems (gastrointestinal problems,
insomnia, profuse perspiration.) I have also experienced
nightmares in which my ex-husband was beating me, during one
of which I actually screamed out loud.
I have been fortunate in that
I sought medical attention as my symptoms persisted. I am
fortunate that I have a doctor, and now a therapist, who had
the insight to understand what was happening to me.
I will now be visiting the
therapist weekly, and am scheduled to see a psychiatrist to
discuss medication.
Lynnesha's Story
A Reminiscent Truth of a
Destructive Past
Danger on the Internet
I was 16 when he stole from
me. Stole my virginity, my dignity, and my self-esteem. I
want it back. I met him on the internet. A newly-turned
16, I knew that my mom would not approve of me talking to
boys that were over 18 in person, but online, as I
thought, was different. He said such sweet things. I met
him offline two weeks later, and he looked normal enough,
with big, pink lips and a kind, welcoming smile. We dated
for three months before he told me he loved me as he took
my innocence. I knew that I was in love. Just knew it. It
felt so right; I was happy beyond measure, and even though
my parents had a bad feeling about him, they didn’t know
him as well as I did. I was the one that he loved.
Then he hit me. HE punched
me with closed fists in my face, my stomach, and one day
even gave me a black eye. He told me I was ugly, stupid,
fat, and that he is the only one that is stupid enough to
have any emotion towards me, so I became a bulimic
“cutter”. After he hit me, he would kiss me on the
forehead and apologize, and I would forgive him. Then he
would bruise my face again. I didn’t drive, so the three
hour journey by public transportation came with confused
stares; the other passengers watched me cry as tears and
blood rolled down my cheeks. I left him eight months
later.
Date
Rape
I was 18 when he stole from
me. I met HIM through a mutual friend. While I didn’t
think that he was very attractive, I thought that I should
humor him and go out on a date. We had a great time,
filled with laughter and jokes all night. Towards the end,
I parked my car around Montebello Lake and we sat in the
backseat to talk. He started to get closer and closer. I
told him no. I told him to stop. I told him to get off of
me.
He held me down so strongly
that I was afraid he’d break my arms. He told me to shut
up as I screamed, and told me that I wanted it, when I
didn’t. I was afraid that he’d hit me, so I stopped
fighting back, and after he was done I took him home.
I remained friends with him
until we lost touch
The
Dangers of Drinking
I was 19 when he stole from
me. My best friend had casual sex with this guy who was
35. She was only 18. One day her partner invited us to his
place in the city for drinks, and told me that he’d bring
a guy for me. The GUY that was there when we’d arrived was
super unattractive, but told me that he worked full-time
as a stripper in a local club. We all sat around the
television and drank, and right before I became
unconscious, my best friend and her partner left me in the
room with this guy I barely knew. As I started to black
out, I can remember his hands touching me, him smiling,
and my eyes shutting. He took advantage of me repeatedly
while I was intoxicated.
I awoke to a painful,
swollen vagina and my clothing ripped apart. My breasts
were red and had bite marks all around them. When I told
my best friend what happened, she laughed heartily and
said “you shouldn’t have gotten that drunk!”
She remained my best friend
for two more years.
Innocence Lost
I am 21 and I want it back.
Every day they haunt me in some capacity, their memories
clinging to my being like lint to a black sweater. They
befoul my relationships, my sexual life, and most
importantly, my self-esteem. I’m pissed off because I want
her back. The innocent, overly confident, happy girl that
just wanted to love and be loved is gone, and what’s left
is her overly sensitive, self-conscious sister. The three
of THEM are out living normal lives, free from the hurt
and confusion that comes from being physically, mentally
and emotionally abused. They should pay, and I have
already planned my revenge. I will live a full and
complete life, finding love, getting married, and sharing
my love with my children. I will educate young women on
the warning signs of domestic abuse. I will talk to those
that can relate and help me through the angst that the
three of them have put me through.
I will be a strong woman.
The little girl that has been taken away from me will be
avenged by preserving the little girl inside of young
women in future generations. That is what will not only
make them go away, but that will bring her back to me.
I will regain my sanity, my
dignity, and ME.
A
Story of Independence
I
was always trying to get it right. I was not allowed to
disagree. Money was a huge control tool for my abuser. I
had to show him receipts after buying diapers for the
baby. I was not allowed to work. And he would even go so
far as to let the air out of my tires so I couldn't look
for work when he himself was at work. In the evening he
would refill the tires. I got real good at hiding my
bruises. My friends probably thought I was the clumsiest
person. With no job or skills and a baby I had no idea
what to do or where to go.
I
remember someone handed me a list of shelters. I thought I
am not going to take my baby with me to a shelter. I took
a bus and started filling out job applications. I got on
waiting lists for temporary housing. One day I
accidentally left an application on the table and he came
home from work early. Needless to say I endured another
beating.
The
very last time he laid his hands on me was July 16th 1988
I call this my "Independence day" I asked him for money to
buy bananas and diapers. I had secretly stashed $5.00 away
in my purse. I had my purse on my shoulder and the baby in
the other hand. I was simply going to go to the grocery
store. He thought perhaps I had another motive for wanting
the money. He grabbed my purse off of my arm. Grabbed me
by the arm swung me around and kept slamming my head
against the wall. Saying over and over "You are leaving me
aren't you!" I will never forget that look.
I
ran to the bedroom with my baby and locked the door and
called 911. He was outside the door trying to come in. He
then got on the phone and started telling the dispatcher
that he didn't do anything. He finally got in through the
door, grabbed me and the baby and threw us out on the
front porch bleeding and bruised with a very upset baby.
He was arrested that day for Domestic violence assault.
When
I finally left him it wasn't long until he found me. I
remember going to the department of housing to check on my
status. I had this huge black eye. The receptionist gave
me her sunglasses. That was THE nicest thing anyone had
done for me in months.
A
Survivor's Story
If
you have ever been in gym class at school and have been
hit in the face with a fast flying basketball, this is how
I felt the first time my abuser hit me. It was swiftly and
out of nowhere. I remember being stunned. It was so out of
character.
It
was over who was going to drive to an auto parts store. I
reached up to feel if I had a lump and there was not only
a lump but blood on my hands as well. He backhanded me
right in the nose. I just was in so much shock that I
didn't know what to do or say.
I
had heard about women who get hit or beaten by their
partners but never thought it could happen to me.
Immediately my abuser was sorry. He actually cried. I
remember thinking maybe I was too demanding... I actually
felt sorry for him. I remember thinking I should have just
let him drive to the stupid store! Most of our arguments
were over extremely petty issues.
One
day we were in my car on our way to a movie. We had a
small disagreement over which movie to see. I hated to be
scared and he wanted to see a very frightening movie. He
slammed the car into reverse as I was driving 55 mph on
the freeway! I nearly lost control of the car then he
called me a stupid bitch because I almost wrecked the car.
I
asked him what the hell was he trying to do? He then
punched me in the mouth. I drove right to the hospital
with him in the passenger seat. I knew I wasn't really
going to tell anyone... I just wanted to scare him.
Click this link to read
some
Poems
written by victims of abuse.
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