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A nun's standing at a bus-stop when a double-decker pulls up. She gets on, and notices she's the only passenger, so she turns to the driver and says, "Can you do me a special favour?" "If I can," he replies. "Well," says the nun, "I have a serious heart problem, and want to have sex before I die." "Um, okay," says the driver. "There are two conditions, though," says the nun. "Firstly, you can't be married, because I don't want to commit adultery. And second, it has to be anal sex, because I have to die a virgin." The driver nods, and they go upstairs and the driver does the business. Afterwards, however, he's racked by guilt. "I have to confess, sister. I'm married with kids." "That's okay," says the nun, "I've got a confession to make. My name's Kevin and I've just been to a fancy-dress party."
A brave knight has to go and fight in the Crusades, and leaves his very sexy, very horny young wife behind. As he can't trust her, he fits her with a chastity belt made from razor blades and broken glass. On his victorious return, he lines up his male staff, and gets them all to drop their trousers. He is greeted by a line of mangled, shredded todgers, except for one. He goes up to that man, and says," I trusted you, and unlike the others, you did not betray my trust. In return, I shall give you half my land." To which the faithful member of staff replies, "Ugg ou gery muk."
Q/ What's blue and fucks old ladies?
A/ Hypothermia
Pinocchio comes in complaning to his father. "Father, whenever I try to make love to a woman, she complains of splinters." So his father gives him a piece of sandpaper, to sand his knob down when he needs to. A few days later during dinner, his father asks, "How are the girls?" "Girls?" Pinocchio replies, "Who needs girls?"
Jim works for the railway company. One day he's at the pub with his mates, and he says, "The other day, I found this woman tied to the track. I untied her, and we went back to my place, and made wild love. We did it on the stairs, in the kitchen, in the garden, in the shower - everywhere." "Wow," says one of his friends, "Was she a looker?" "I don't know," says Jim, "I couldn't find the head."