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A health inspector is visiting a hospital, and as he makes a tour of the wards, he comes across a patient frantically masturbating. "Good grief," he says to the ward nurse, "What is this man's problem?" "He has a rare condition," she replies, "If he doesn't tug himself off at least eight times a day, his scrotum will swell up, and eventually explode." "I see," says the inspector and moves on. The next bed has the curtains drawn, and he looks inside. He is shocked to see a nurse on her knees performing oral sex on a male patient. "What the hell is going on here?" he demands. "Oh," says the ward sister, "He's got the same disease as the last patient, only he's on BUPA."
A man receives a phone call from the local hospital, telling him there's been a terrible mix-up with his wife's medical tests. "We got the results mixed up, and don't know if she's the one with syphilis or a heart condition," apologises the doctor. "What can I do?" asks the bloke. "Well," says the doctor, "send her out running, and if she comes back don't fuck her."
Two Irishmen are walking through Calcutta when an old woman walks past tham. "Hey, Seamus," says one, "I think that's Mother Teresa." "Rubbish," says the other. "I'm telling you, it was," insists Seamus. To settle the argument, they approach her and ask, "Are you Mother Teresa?" The woman eyes them scornfully, and hisses, "Fuck off, you goddam perverts," before scuttling off. "Damn," says Seamus, "Now we'll never know."
Alf and Mabel have been married for 60 years, and they live in a home for the old and infirm. One day, Alf comes in and announces, "Mabel, we've been together for a long time, but I'm leaving you." "But why?" gasps Mabel. "I'm going out with Vera next door," replies Alf. "Vera? But what does she do for you that I don't?" "She gives me oral sex," confesses Alf. "But Alf, I give you oral sex, too," wails Mabel. "Perhaps," he replies, "But you don't have Parkinson's."
An old man stumbles into a confessional. "Father!" he shouts, "I'm an 81 year old man, and last night I made love to two gorgeous twins!" "Well," says the priest, "Are you married? Does this mean you've comitted adultery?" "No, Father," the old duffer replies, "My good wife passed away some years ago." "You're Catholic?" the priest asks. "No, Father, I don't believe in religion." "Well," says the priest, "why on earth did you feel the need to tell me?" "If you'd shagged 19-year old twins," the old git smirks, "Wouldn't you be telling everyone!"