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An old man and his grandson go into a betting shop, and the boy asks if he can put a bet on. "Can you touch your arse with your dick?" asks his grandfather. "No," replies the boy. "Well then, you're not old enough," replies the old man. So the boy goes next door to the newsagents to buy a scratch card, which he immediately scratches, to find he has won £50,000. He runs back to his grandpa, who suggests they split it fifty-fifty. "Grandfather, can you touch your arse with your dick?" asks the boy. "Of course I can, I'm a full-grown man," replies grandad. "Well then," says the boy, "Go fuck yourself."
Q/ How do you know when it's time to wash the dishes?
A/ Look inside your pants. If you have a dick, it's not time.
Little Jonny is delivering papers one morning. He knocks on Mrs Smith's door and tells her that her bill is due. "That'll be £5 please," he says. "I'm a little short of cash," she replies, "But if you step in here I can pay you in sex." Jonny steps in, and shuts the door. Mrs Smith unzips his trousers, pulls them down, and is faced with the biggest dick she has ever seen. As she lays down on the hall carpet, she is amused to see Jonny pull a handful of washers out of his pocket, and slide them carefully onto his massive knob. "You don't have to do that," she purrs, "I can take all of it." Jonny looks down at her. "Not for £5, you can't."
While walking his regular beat, a policeman is amused to find a young man, who is clearly drunk, staggering about with a key in his hand. "They've stolen my car," the drunk shouts. "It was right here, on the end of this key." "More importantly, sir," the policeman says, "Are you aware that your penis is hanging out of your trousers?" "Oh my God!" wails the young man, "Those bastards have got my girlfriend as well!"
Kevin is driving home over the Severn Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend, Sharon, about to throw herself into the waters far below. Kevin slams on his brakes and shouts, "Sharon! What do you think you're doing?" Sharon turns around, her eyes streaming tears, and says, "Hello Kevin. You've got me pregnant, and now I'm going to kill myself." At this, Kevin gets a lump in his throat. "Sharon," he says, "Not only were you a great shag, but you're a real sport, too."