Point

Jackson Brody

    Ah, summer movies.  These days, I must retreat to well-established filmmakers and quirky independent films to find substantial and complete entertainment.  After being let down by the processed offering "Tomb Raider", and wisely avoiding "Evolution" and "Pearl Harbor", I came to depend on the well-established filmmakers to provide my deserved summer relief.  "A.I." was cool until the Blue Fairy shitplot--I mean subplot--took over.  To tell the truth, I was more interested in the humans versus mechas angle than the "I'm a whiny eleven year old robot who's too attached to my mommy who can't act."   Give me Jude Law as a hilarious dancing sexbot, not close encounters from the robot kind!  But I digress; I am here to critique Mr. Tim Burton's latest offering.

   "Planet of the Apes".  I've loved that movie ever since I saw it at age eight or nine.  While first disturbed at the sight of Charlton Heston running naked into a waterfall, I came to love that movie.  And for a socially awkward lad like myself, apes were the perfect escape.  I have only seen the first three "Apes" films, but I loved the ones I saw.  Man, every character got a chance at having a dramatic death scene.  I even have a shirt celebrating the movies, which I wear as I write this review, or commentary, as I like to call it.  Fun stuff.  Statue of Liberty. Heh.

    That being said, ape movies are precious territory.  No simple director can return to this Forbidden Zone, ahem, Forbidden Area and make it great again.   It needs to be someone with style, vision, and who knows how to make a movie both insightful and fun.  Quite the task.  Luckily this film scored Tim Burton.  In my opinion, he's had an uneven track record.  Loved the confusing but eventually enjoyable humor of "Pee-Wee's Big Adventure".  Was originally disturbed by "Beetlejuice" but learned to love and appreciate it.  "The Nightmare Before Christmas" is the film I would call Burton's masterpiece.  Complete vision.  Full length claymation.  Lovable yet wholly gothic characters and settings.  And it's a musical!! "Edward Scissorhands"?  Another fine example of Burton's gothic touch.  Filmmakers need to represent goth much more in films in my opinion.  But. don't get me started on how Burton screwed "Batman".  You fucked up the Dark Knight you overrated hack!  Thank God for the animated series.  All this said, I figured the "reimagining" of Planet of the Apes was in somewhat capable hands.

    My biggest critique of this film is the main character, Marky Mark as "Captain Leo Davidson."  I found him unacceptable for the part.  In this movie, the character was mister young hotshot who is coolly detached and wanted nothing but to leave the planet.  Helping the helpless humans was a mere convenience.  Bad characterization, bad motivation, bad actor.  Amazingly, this did not detract much from the picture.  Did not add much, but didn't seem to hurt it, either.  Maybe the genius who wrote it figured by not giving him any real characters traits or even emotions would make him more accessible to the audience, an everyman people can relate to.  Wrong.  This is "Planet of the Apes", not "Total Request Live".  Don't get me wrong; I'd rather have Mark Walhberg in the part than Carson Daly, but Marky just didn't pull it off for me.  He wasn't even a poor man's Charlton Heston (nice cameo, by the way).  The award for best poor man's Charlton Heston goes to the guy from Beneath the Planet of the Apes.  But that's another story.  By the way, when did Leo show he was this great revolutionary?  In the movie I saw, he gets captured with the rest of the humans, and already Thade's like "Uh-oh, this is a feisty troublemaker!"  What does he do about it?  Releases him into the hands of the human sympathetic Ari.  Someone better get fired over that.

    The story was good.  It did not follow a logical development like the original, but it kept my attention.  Most movies these days don't follow a logical development.  Most just ask "What quirky strange special effects filled scenarios can we visit that fit into this movie to encourage repeat business?" "Apes" is guilty a bit, but I didn't notice much.  I heartily enjoyed myself during the movie.  The makeup, setting, and effects are a triumph to be heralded from rooftops.  You will believe an ape can fly.  It's almost worth the admission price just to look at.  Deaf people really luck out this time.  Don't pay attention to the story, just watch and be pleasured.

    You must be saying to yourself right now "If the leading man is ass, how can the picture function at all?"  Very simple.  Top-notch supporting cast.  Well, the apes are great.  The humans shoulda stayed mute.  That goes for you too, David Spadesque boy who decided he had a character three-fourths into the film.  Estelle Warren, you are nice to look at, but you are not worthy of the Nova part.  Go away.  You are not wanted.  The good news is that if you are wearing a mask in this movie, you are gold and should be put in a museum for you are so great.  While the characters are quite easily to peg, (It will take you no less than two seconds to figure out what a character's motivation is and what they will accomplish in the movie) the actors portraying them fully embrace the part they are playing.  Michael Clark Duncan (or Monkey Clark Duncan) as "Attar" is damnfastic as usual.  Check out "The Whole Nine Yards" if you don't believe me.  This guy is cool.  He's the mean as nails gorilla character missing from the original Apes.  But he has a religious side, too.  I am happy to report he finds God by the end of the movie.  He and William H. Macy should do a buddy flick.  Wait, I'm writing about Planet of the Apes.  Paul Giamatti as "Limbo" rocks the flick.  Funny, funny, funny.  Just give him all the Oscars.  Best one-liners. ever.  "Ari" (I don't care too mention the actress' name seeing as I don't know how to spell it) is cool if not a bit obvious and corny at sometimes.  Definitely Zira for the 21st century. Tim Roth as "General Thade" was another excellent character, but it felt like he was in the wrong movie.  His chimp makeup was the best in the movie, his armor plate transcended awesome, his voice was what a villain should sound like, and he had the moves every monkey should have.  However, I felt the distinct notion he had a better story someplace else.  "General Thade" in Hot Buttered Monkey!   Play It Again, General Thade.  General Thade vs. Monkeybone (I'd like to see him kill Brendan Fraser).  The "bad guy" in Ape movies are ignorant pricks afraid of what they don't understand.  Thade just wants things his way.  He should learn a thing or two from Dr. Zaius.  You want to shut a guy up you give him a lobotomy, don't chase him with an army!

    Reading back on my own words, I realize I am giving a movie I really enjoy and recommend a somewhat negative review.  Overall, this movie suffers from problems.  It can't decide whether it wants to be social commentary or an action film.  It is caught between.  Strangely, it works in the end.  I thought it was heading one place and then it suddenly took me to another.  There's a lot of great ape humor worthy of the original, a lot of clever twists, and a ponderous explanation of how "these damn monkeys got this way."  It far surpasses any movie this summer.  Sorry "Jurassic Park III", no one loves you.  I'll raise your super-intelligent way-too-forgiving velociraptors with an army of leaping gorillas led by Monkey Clark Duncan.

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