Meanwhile, back at the ranch, tension mounted and rode off.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt or a leaky tire.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.

Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.

I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.

Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

It could be worse. What if sex was fattening?

Graduate quickly, millions on welfare depend on you.

Bill Clinton 99% Fact Free

Yesterday I knew nothing, today I know that.

Illiterate? Write for free help.

I drive like this to piss you off!

"It is Mind over Matter... If you ain't go no mind... It don't Matter"

Jesus loves you, but everyone else still thinks your an ass hole.

My karma ran over my dogma.

I Wish I Was Barbie. That Bitch has EVERYTHING.

I got this car for my wife...not a bad trade

Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning? " Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen witch ... do it and die."

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, drinking too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

Chinese Proverbs.....
Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

Chinese Proverbs.....
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Chinese Proverbs.....
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who farts in church sits in own pew.
Crowded elevator smells different to midget.

Why are Democrats better in bed?
Because you've never heard of getting a good piece of elephant.

Why do politicians envy ventriloquists?
Because they can lie without moving their lips.

If people were not meant to have late-night snacks, why did God put a light in the refrigerator?

What do you call a politician who swears to tell the truth? LIAR.

What do you call a democrat that sleeps around?
A breeding-heart liberal.

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

P.E.T.A. - People Eating Tasty Animals

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.

Don't drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your drink.

Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

It's ok to laugh during sex - just don't point.

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

You've got to hand it to the IRS.
(if not, they'll just come and take it).

"The Law of Common Sense"
Never accept a drink from a urologist.

"The Law of Motivation"
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

The Year 2001 Problem: How to find jobs for all those programmers hired to solve the Year 2000 problem.

Catch-23: Complete the previous catch before proceeding to this step.

Fortune 501: Levi Strauss makes the list, but just by the seat of its pants.

Snow White and the Eight Dwarfs: The title, before they expelled Gassy.

665: The mark on the forehead of Satan's slightly less evil brother, Stan.

Fifty-One Ways to Leave Your Lover: O.J. Simpson writes the song sequel.

"And ye shall throw money at the problem."

-- Liberals 19:99

"The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first."

It says something about our times when you rarely see the word 'sinful' except to describe a really good dessert.

Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you're in it, but the longer you stay, the more wrinkled you get.

Opportunity knocks only once, if you hear a second knock it's probably a Jehovah's witness.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

The difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know, and I couldn't care less....

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons but at the very least you need a beer.

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult?

Whoever says that the small things don't matter should try sleeping with a mosquito in the room.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for a day. If you give a man a stick of TNT, there will be little unidentifiable fish parts all over the village.

CanAnyoneHelpMeFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyBoard?

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane

The difference between insanity and genius is measured only by success.

The difference in being involved and committed.....
Chickens are involved in breakfast,
But pigs are committed...

They say the grass is greener on the other side,
but have you ever flipped it over?

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.

If it's free, it's advice;
If you pay for it, it's counseling;
If you can use either one, it's a miracle!

Save the trees ... Wipe your butt with an owl.

Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window

(Seen on the back of a biker's vest) If you can read this, my wife fell off.

If you can read this, please flip me back over... (seen upside down, on a Jeep)

Never raise your hands to your kids; it leaves your groin unprotected.

If walking is so good for you, then why does my mailman look like Jabba the Hut?

Axe me about Ebonics

Boldly going nowhere

Cat: The other white meat

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull

Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Cowboy Rules.....
Never kick a fresh cow pie on a hot day.

Cowboy Rules.....
Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.

Cowboy Rules.....
Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.

Cowboy Rules.....
Always drink upstream from the herd.

Cowboy Rules.....
If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.

"Seeing is believing
~ Unknown

Oh yeah? Well...
"Peeing is relieving."
~ Colin Jarman

Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done.
Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings.....
they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

If something doesn't feel right, you're not feeling the right thing.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...
then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.

Plagiarism saves time.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.

If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.

Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

Ambivalent? Well, yes... and... no...

I plead contemporary insanity.

When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All Bran?

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

If all is not lost, where is it?

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

P> If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.

The first rule of holes: If you're in one, stop digging.

I tried to get a life once, but they were out of stock.

It was all so different before everything changed.

Some days you're the windshield, some days you're the bug.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun!

When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?

There are two kinds of pedestrians the quick and the dead.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Economists have forecast 9 out of the last 5 recessions

To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ...or is it ?

The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.

A FOOL AND HIS MONEY can throw one hell of a party.

If you eat a live toad first thing in the morning, nothing worse will happen all day long.

I went to school to become a wit, I only got halfway through...

I misplaced my dictionary. Now I'm at a loss for words.

The reason I turned down an extramarital affair is because my wife found the key to my gun cabinet.

Why do they rate a movie "R" for "adult language?" The only people I hear using that language are teenagers.

The difference between insane asylums and our schools is that in the insane asylum you have to show some improvement before you can get out.

To the person complaining about dialing 10 digits to reach a next-door neighbor: Try walking! And we wonder why half of the adults in America are overweight!

Free one dollar bills! Please send $4.95 to cover postage & handling. (Limit $1 per order).

To err is human, to moo, bovine.

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.

~ Jeff Foxworthy

I used to be Schizophrenic, but we're better now.

Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

If we are what we eat... I'm Fast, Cheap, and Easy !

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.
You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child... eventually.

When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, "No speaka English."

~ Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.

I Have The Body Of A God...... Buddha

He Who Laughs Last Thinks Slowest.

He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

Dyslexics Of The World - Untie!

I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

Bumper Stickers I'd Love to See...
Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS?
Honk If You Want To See My Finger.
You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT.

Bumper Stickers I'd Love to See...
Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.
DON'T PISS ME OFF! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.
Don't drink and drive...You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

Save Your Breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date!

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Martha Stewart's Tips For Rednecks.....
Never take a beer to a job interview.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

You Might Be A Redneck If.....
You think "loading the dishwasher" means getting your wife drunk.
You were shooting pool when any of your children were born.
Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos."

You Might Be A Redneck If.....
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
You keep a can of RAID on your kitchen table.

You Might Be A Redneck If.....
You ever got too drunk to fish.
The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
You've ever financed a tattoo.

Headaches are all in your mind.

Keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

Excuses to miss a day of work.
If it is all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

Excuses to miss a day of work.
When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

Excuses to miss a day of work.
I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday, and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the Explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the Polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

Excuses to miss a day of work.
I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

Excuses to miss a day of work.
Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Hoyas, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

Excuses to miss a day of work.
Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

Excuses to miss a day of work.
The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

Excuses to miss a day of work.
My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

Excuses to miss a day of work.
I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

We, the unwilling,
led by the unknowing,
are doing the impossible
for the ungrateful.
We have done so much,
for so long,
with so little,
we are now qualified to do anything,
with nothing.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.

Why are there so many smiths in the phone book?
Because they all have phones.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

What did the fish say when he hit concrete wall?
Dam.

How do you get holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.

Baby Boomers - then & now.....
Then: President Johnson
Now: The President's johnson

Then: Fighting to get rid of the lying President
Now: Fighting to keep the lying President

Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel
Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity

When I was a child, I used to fall asleep praying that God would place a small pebble in my hand so that I would know he was real. I never got that pebble... But he sure was generous with the rocks in my head !

Deep Thoughts
Before criticizing someone, walk a mile in their shoes.
Then when you do criticize them, you will be a mile away and have their shoes.

Deep Thoughts
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.

Deep Thoughts
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Deep Thoughts
I believe in making the world safe for our children,
but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

Deep Thoughts
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying."
And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."

Deep Thoughts
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers smack each other up side the head.

Deep Thoughts
Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND.
Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank" and "ind."
What do these words mean? It's a mystery and so is mankind.

Deep Thoughts
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

Deep Thoughts
During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."

Deep Thoughts
When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had antlers?

Deep Thoughts
For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: Why not add a slice of lemon to each jar for freshness?

What a woman says:
C'mon...This place is a mess!
You and I need to clean.
Your pants are on the floor
and you'll have no clothes
if we don't do laundry now!

What a man hears:
C'MON....blah, blah, blah
YOU AND I blah, blah, blah
blah, blah ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW!

Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he might be retarded. **Maybe he didn't speak because he thought his parents were retarded**

About a third of all Americans flush the toilet while they're still sitting on it. (Who studied this and why?)

The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B.C. **And who is surprised by this?**

What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
Lipstick.

What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
Chelsea.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank -- proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocaine during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication!

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said..... "A truck!"

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

~ Emo Phillips

I ran three miles today, finally I said "lady take your purse."

~ Emo Phillips

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.

~ Emo Phillips

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

~ Emo Phillips

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.

~ Emo Phillips

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky---but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

~ Emo Phillips

The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?" I said, "I don't know. You can't see out the other way."

~ Emo Phillips

I love to go down to the school yard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming...They don't know I'm only using blanks.

~ Emo Phillips

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off me, you two!"

~ Emo Phillips

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

~ Emo Phillips

You know what I hate? Indian givers...no, I take that back.

~ Emo Phillips

Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?

~ Jerry Seinfeld

Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?

~ Jerry Seinfeld

Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"?

~ Jerry Seinfeld

All the king's HORSES and all the king's men? Are you kidding me? No wonder they couldn't put Humpty together again. Just what did those idiots expect the horses to do, anyway?

~ Jerry Seinfeld

Isn't it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did THAT happen? Did some cattleman once say, "Oh, man, I can't wait till them calves are done so I can get ME a hit of that stuff."

~ Jerry Seinfeld

Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No!
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
Homer: Heh heh heh... ooh... yeah... right, Lisa. A wonderful magical animal.
~ Homer Simpson

Operator! Give me the number for 911!

~ Homer Simpson

Lenny: Hey, Homer? What do I tell the boss?
Homer: Tell him I'm going to the back seat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

~ Homer Simpson

Homer: Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer.
Homer's Brain: It's a deal!

~ Homer Simpson

Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad!
Homer: Did you wreck the car?
Bart: No.
Homer: Did you raise the dead?
Lisa: Yes.
Homer: But the car's okay?
Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh.
Homer: All right then.

~ Homer Simpson

What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway.

~ Homer Simpson

Phases of the male Sex Life
Phase I - Tri-weekly.
Phase II - Try weekly.
Phase III - Try weakly.

Why do men fart more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.

Signs that you are Too Drunk
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after biting you.

Signs that you are Too Drunk
Back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Belief that alcohol is the elusive 5th food group.
Doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

Signs that you are Too Drunk
You focus better with one eye closed.
Your sons are named Barley and Hops.
5 beers has just as many calories as a burger -- who needs dinner!

Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

I love cats...they taste just like chicken.

Forget the Jones's, I keep us up with the Simpson's.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Work is for people who don't know how to fish.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt--in case heaven is like the... IRS

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?

Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

i souport publik edekashun.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

Ever stop to think and forget to start

If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?

How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

What's another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, its called cargo?

Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Where are Preparations A through G?

If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

My school colors were "clear".

It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

Hermits have no peer pressure.

My girlfriend is weird. She asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No". She said, "Okay, then forget it."

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 pounds
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes

A truck carrying copies of Roget's Thesaurus over-turned on the highway. The local newspaper reported that the onlookers were "stunned, overwhelmed, astonished, bewildered, and dumfounded."

What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
Sexual harassment.
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
$3.99 a minute.

In prison, you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
At work, you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
In prison you get three meals a day.
At work, you get a break for only one meal, and you have to pay for that one.

In prison, you get time off for good behavior.
At work, you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
In prison, a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At work, you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison you get your own toilet.
At work you have to share.

In prison, all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work, you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it homeless or naked?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

My friend was going to write a drinking song, but he never got past the first bar.

The hokey pokey... What if that's really what it's all about?

"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman."

~ Maryon Pearson

Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.

"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house."

~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

"Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink."
~ Lady Astor to Winston Churchill

"Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it." ~His reply

A brunette goes to the doctor and as she touches each part of her body with her finger she says, "doctor it hurts everywhere. My leg hurts, my arm hurts, my neck hurts, and even my head hurts!"
The doctor asks, "Were you ever a Blonde?"
"Yes, I was." she replies. "Why do you ask?"
The doctor answers, "because your finger is broken!"

I want to be reincarnated as your tampon -- Prince Charles, 1991
(Not recommended as a pick up line. Kids, don't try this at home.)

Capital punishment is our societies recognition of the sanctity of human life.

~ Orrin Hatch, Senator from Utah.

I think that the undecideds could go one way or the other.

~ George Bush, 1988

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.

~ Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

I didn't inhale.

~ (former?) President Bill Clinton

Who ever heard of Casablanca? I don't want to star opposite some unknown Swedish broad.

~ George Raft, on the role of Rick in Casablanca.

Ward, come upstairs and talk to The Beaver.

~ June (Mrs. Frisky) Cleaver

I was not lying. I said things that later on seemed to be untrue.

~ Richard Nixon, discussing Watergate in 1978

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It's not fair that some men should be happier than others.

~ Oscar Wilde

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

~ Helen Rowland

Everyday people are straying away from the church and going back to God.

~ Lenny Bruce

Bite the wax tadpole.

~ Coca-Cola name as originally translated into Chinese (later changed to "May the mouth rejoice").

Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave.

~ Ad slogan "Pepsi comes alive" as initially translated into Chinese.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

~ Last words of Union commander General John Sedgwick, spoken as he was watching enemy troops at the Battle of Spotsylvania Court House.

I stand by all the misstatements.

~ Dan Quayle, then vice-presidential hopeful, defending his verbal gaffes.

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window!

~ Steve Bluestone

Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

~ George Carlin

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is.

~ Ellen DeGeneris

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

~ Pearl Williams

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

~ Dave Edison

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

~ George Gobel

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If the psychic hotline really was... wouldn't they call you?

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never oprned.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Poker rules supplement: A .44 Magnum beats 4 aces.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged.

She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

You have the right to remain silent....Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Change is inevitable. Except from a vending machine

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between snowmen and snow women?
Snowballs.

What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.

Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received 100 letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.

Women get the last word in every argument... Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Have you ever noticed that in the movies...
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

Have you ever noticed that in the movies...
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.

Have you ever noticed that in the movies...
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

Have you ever noticed that in the movies...
When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

Have you ever noticed that in the movies...
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
Computers never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.

Have you ever noticed that in the movies...
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

Have you ever noticed that in the movies...
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

Have you ever noticed that in the movies...
Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.

Nothing is more wasted than a smile on the face on a Playmate centerfold.

I've found that women are the chief cause of men's lying. They insist on asking too damn many questions !!!

You've all heard the expression, "There's an exception to every rule." Oh Yeah? Well how come there's none to that rule ???

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.

2 wrongs don't make a right, but 3 lefts do.

Definition of a man with manners -- he gets out of the bath to pee.

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why do they call them "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the same stuff?

If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?

When you're swim'in in the creek and an eel bites your cheek, that's a Moray.

~ the Fabulous Fury Freak Brothers

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Is Santa so jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes.
There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in?
I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.
Inside of a dog..... it's too dark to read.

A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work.

A man usually feels better after a few winks..... especially if she winks back.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

If at first you don't succeed..... well, so much for sky diving.

If you can piss this high, join the fire department.
On the wall in the men's restroom at a height of 6 feet,
O'Ryan's Irish Pub, Ashland, Oregon

Beauty is only a light switch away.

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.

Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married!

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.

JESUS SAVES! But wouldn't it be better if he had invested?

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?

Express Lane: Five beers or less
Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's, Pheonix, AZ

(written high upon the wall above a urinal)
Don't look up here, the joke's in your hand.

Sign posted in a bathroom: We aim to please! You aim too! Please!

Under a sign that said "Employees Must Wash Hands," someone scribbled: I waited and waited, but I finally washed them myself.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think that a "2" is a "10".
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy, named Chuck.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

I doubt, therefore I might be.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery.

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Five Jell-O flavors that flopped: celery, coffee, cola, apple, and chocolate. (Celery - What where they thinking???)

There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you look such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known:
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
Given the choice of how to be blown.

Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.

I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?

~ Jerry Seinfeld

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

~ George Burns

I wouldn't object to my wife having the last word-- if only she'd get to it.

~ Henny Youngman

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.

I told someone I was getting married, and they said "Have you picked a date yet? I said, "wow, you can bring a date to your own wedding!" "What a country!"

~ Yakov Smirnoff

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!

~ Henny Youngman

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

~ Rodney Dangerfield.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Paranoids are people too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Start planning today, to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Dear God
So far today, God, I've done all right.
I haven't gossiped, haven't lost my temper,
haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, nor over indulgent.
I'm very thankful for that.
But in a few minutes, God..... I'm going to get out of bed.
From then on I'm going to need a lot more help.
Amen

Filthy, Stinking Rich -- Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad

Real Men Don't Waste Their Hormones Growing Hair

Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time

I Want It All and I Want It Delivered

Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam

I'm Not Suddenly a Dirty Old Man -- I've Been Practicing Since 1958

Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-in-law on a Milk Carton

My Designated Driver Drove Me to Drink

My Dog Can Lick Anyone

Have a Degree in Liberal Arts -- Do You Want Fries With That?

When the Going Gets Tough, Use Duct Tape

Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Learn from the mistakes of others.
You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

Confucius say:
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Confucius say:
Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.

Confucius say:
Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.

Confucius say:
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip's Screwdriver?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

This is sung to the tune of the Oscar Meyer Bologna theme:

His baloney has a first name, it's "I-did-not-inhale..."
His baloney has a second name, it's "I-wasn't-getting-no-tail..."
Oh he loves to sling it every day...
The White House people all just say...
That Billy Clinton has-a-way...
Of making bullshit sound O-Kay!!!

You Know You're Drinking too Much Coffee When...
Instant coffee takes too long.
Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.
The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

You Know You're Drinking too Much Coffee When...
Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.(coffee beans of course!)
Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
You sleep with your eyes open.

You Know You're Drinking too Much Coffee When...
You can jump-start your car without cables.
You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."

You Know You're Drinking too Much Coffee When...
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
You haven't slept since the Regan administration...

Politically Correct Ways to Talk About Men
He has a beer gut:
He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.
He has his head up his ass:
He suffers from Rectal-Cranial Inversion.
He hogs the blankets:
He is Thermally Unappreciative.

Politically Correct Ways to Talk About Men
He eats like a pig:
He suffers from Reverse Bulimia.
He can't dance:
He is Overly Caucasian.
He undresses women with his eyes:
He has an Introspective Pornographic Moments.

Politically Correct Ways to Talk About Men
He refuses to ask for directions when lost:
He discovers Alternative Destinations.
He is balding:
He is in Follicle Regression.
He gets falling-down drunk:
He becomes Accidentally Horizontal.