Dangerous pick-up lines... I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feedbag.

Dangerous pick-up lines... If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!

Dangerous pick-up lines... You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you!

Good girls get fat, bad girls get eaten.

What's the difference between husbands and prisoners?
Prisoners complain behind bars. Husbands complain in them.

What do women and tax forms have in common?
Men love to cheat on them.

What does a married man say after sex?
Don't tell my wife.

Why do husbands appreciate hell?
At least there, they know what they did wrong.

Remember: The Bible says to "Love thy neighbor,"
but make sure her husband isn't home first.

If it were truly the thought that counted, more women would be pregnant.

Life isn't fair to men, When we are born, our mother's get the compliments and the flowers. When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity. When we die, our widows get the life insurance and winters in Florida. What do women want to be liberated from?

The only difference between the women I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him.

A woman wants one man to meet her every need.
A man wants every woman to meet his one need.

A man is like a fine wine. He starts out raw as grapes and it's a woman's job to stomp on him and keep him in the dark until he matures into something she'd like to have dinner with.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding

What's black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch?
A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes

What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
Invisible.

Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes?
The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.

Why is the brunette considered an evil color?
When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?

What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
The invitation.

What do you call a good looking man with a brunette?
A hostage.

Who makes bras for brunettes?
Fisher-Price.

Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
It matches their mustache.

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him).

I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.

~ Henny Youngman

CAUTION - Driver legally blonde

Don't be sexist - broads hate that!

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?! (men saying this have been known to die a violent death)

GUYS: No shirt, no service. GALS: No shirt, no charge.

The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.

There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

~ Robin Williams

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.

~ Roseanne

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?"

~ Larry Miller

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.

~ Jay Leno

In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?

~ Jay Leno

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms."

~ Elayne Boosler

What Men Say, What They Really Mean - While shopping........
I DON'T THINK THAT BLOUSE AND THAT SKIRT GO WELL TOGETHER
I'm gay
IT MAKES YOU LOOK FAT
I'm really stupid!

Phases of the male Sex Life
Phase I - Tri-weekly.
Phase II - Try weekly.
Phase III - Try weakly.

Why do men fart more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds?
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

Why do men die before their wives?
Because they want to.

Why do women have periods?
Because they deserve them.

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.

What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
Money

Why did the army send so many premenstrual women to the Gulf?
Because they fought like animals and retained water for four days.

A highway patrolman stopped a blonde who had been driving at a high rate of speed. He told her that she had been driving 90 miles an hour. She exclaimed, "Why officer, that's impossible! I only left my house about thirty minutes ago!"

Q: Did you know that there is a food out there that will stop a woman from wanting sex?
A: Its' called "Wedding Cake"

Q: How are tornadoes and women similar?
A: They twist and turn when they come, then take your house and car when they leave.

Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

My girlfriend is weird. She asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No". She said, "Okay, then forget it."

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes

What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
Sexual harassment.
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
$3.99 a minute.

If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country."

~ Elayne Boosler

"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman."

~ Maryon Pearson

"I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night."

~ Marie Corelli

Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?"

~ Linda Ellerbee

"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house."

~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

"Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink."
~ Lady Astor to Winston Churchill

"Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it." ~His reply

Yes... men and Women... we are still different!
Wants & needs (wontz and nedz) n.
FEMALE: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship.
MALE: Food, sex and beer.

Yes... men and Women... we are still different!
Communication (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
FEMALE: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
MALE: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.

Yes... men and Women... we are still different!
Commitment (ko-mit-ment) n.
FEMALE: A desire to get married and raise a family.
MALE: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend

Yes... men and Women... we are still different!
Flatulence (flach-u-lens) n.
FEMALE: An embarrassing byproduct of digestion.
MALE: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

Yes... men and Women... we are still different!
Lesbian (lez-bi-an) n.
FEMALE: A woman who makes love to other women.
MALE: A woman who has sex with other women so men can watch and get really turned on.

Yes... men and Women... we are still different!
Making love (may-king luv) n.
FEMALE: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
MALE: What men have to call ""boinking"" to get women to boink.

Yes... men and Women... we are still different!
Taste (tayst) v.
FEMALE: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good.
MALE: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out.

Yes... men and Women... we are still different!
Thingie (thing-ee) n.
FEMALE: Any part under a car's hood.
MALE: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

Yes... men and Women... we are still different!
Vulnerable (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
FEMALE: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
MALE: Playing ball without a cup.

How did the Blonde die ice fishing?
She got run over by the Zamboni.

Why did the Blonde stare at a can of frozen orange juice?
Because it said concentrate.

Why was the Blonde proud for finishing a puzzle in only six months?
The box said "2 to 4 years!"

Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms?
They think their picture is being taken.

Why do Blondes have "TGIF" written on their shoes?
Toes Go In First.

Three Blondes on the beach find a Genie. He grants them each one wish.
The first Blonde says "I want to be smarter," poof she turns into a brunette.
The second says, "I want to be smarter too," poof she turns into a brunette.
The third says, "I want to be smarter than these two," poof she turned into a man.

How can you tell when a Blonde sends you a fax?
It has a stamp on it.

Why can't Blondes dial 911?
They can not find the eleven on the phone!

What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you?
Run like hell, she's got a grenade in her mouth!

How can you tell if a Blonde has been using your computer?
There is white-out all over the monitor.

How do you get a Blonde on the roof?
Tell her the drinks are on the house.

Why shouldn't Blondes have coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them.

Two Blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.
Linda: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Sylvie: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!

How does a Blonde change a light bulb?
She holds the bulb in the socket and waits for the world to revolve around her.

A brunette goes to the doctor and as she touches each part of her body with her finger she says, "doctor it hurts everywhere. My leg hurts, my arm hurts, my neck hurts, and even my head hurts!"
The doctor asks, "Were you ever a Blonde?"
"Yes, I was." she replies. "Why do you ask?"
The doctor answers, "because your finger is broken!"

What do you call an eternity?
Four Blondes at a four way stop.

Why do Blondes like a BMW better than a Chevrolet?
They can spell BMW.

Three Blondes were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.
The first Blonde said "those are deer tracks."
The second Blonde said "No, those are elk tracks."
The third Blonde said "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks."
The Blondes were still arguing when the train hit them.

What do smart Blondes and UFOs have in common?
You always hear about them but you never see them.

How do you drown a Blonde?
Put a scratch & sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool

Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours they finally saw a sign that said "Disneyland left" so they turned around and went home.

What did the Blonde say when she opened the box of cheerios?
Oh look, daddy ... doughnut seeds.

How do you get a twinkle in a Blonde's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.

If a Blonde and a brunette fell out of an airplane, who would land first?
The brunette. The Blonde would have to stop and ask for directions.

Why don't Blondes like making KOOL-AID?
Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.

Why can't Blondes make ice cubes?
They always forget the recipe.

Did you hear about the two Blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

Why won't they hire Blondes as pharmacists?
They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.

Love, lust, or marriage?
LOVE - when your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - when your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - when your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't care.

Love, lust, or marriage?
LOVE - when intercourse is called making love.
LUST - all other times.
MARRIAGE - what's intercourse?

Love, lust, or marriage?
LOVE - when you argue over how many children to have.
LUST - when you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE - when you argue over money.

Love, lust, or marriage?
LOVE - when you share everything you own.
LUST - when you think twice about giving your partner bus money.
MARRIAGE - when the bank owns everything.

Love, lust, or marriage?
LOVE - when it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST - when the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - what's a climax?

Love, lust, or marriage?
LOVE - when you phone each other just to say "Gidday".
LUST - when you phone each other just to organize sex.
MARRIAGE - when you phone each other to find out what time your son's game starts.

Love, lust, or marriage?
LOVE - when you write poems about your partner.
LUST - when all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - when all you write is checks.

Love, lust, or marriage?
LOVE - when you show concern for your partners' feelings.
LUST - when you couldn't give a shit.
MARRIAGE - when your only concern is what's on TV.

Love, lust, or marriage?
LOVE - when your farewell is "I love you darling ..."
LUST - when your farewell is "So, same time next week?".
MARRIAGE - when your farewell is silent.

Love, lust, or marriage?
LOVE - when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST - when you only ever see each other in the bedroom.
MARRIAGE - when you never see each other awake.

Love, lust, or marriage?
LOVE - when your heart flutters every time you see them.
LUST - when your groin twitches every time you see them.
MARRIAGE - when your wallet empties every time you see them.

Love, lust, or marriage?
LOVE - when nobody else matters.
LUST - when nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE - when everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.

Love, lust, or marriage?
LOVE - when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST - when it's just the same mushy old shit.
MARRIAGE - when you never listen to music.

Love, lust, or marriage?
LOVE - when breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST - when staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE - when just getting through today is your only thought.

Love, lust, or marriage?
LOVE - when you're interested in everything your partner does.
LUST - when you're only interested in one thing.
MARRIAGE - when you're not interested in what your partner does and the one thing you're interested in is your golf score.

I want to be reincarnated as your tampon -- Prince Charles, 1991
(Not recommended as a pick up line. Kids, don't try this at home.)

Ward, come upstairs and talk to The Beaver.

~ June (Mrs. Frisky) Cleaver

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It's not fair that some men should be happier than others.

~ Oscar Wilde

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

~ Helen Rowland

What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds Mature.

What did God say after creating man?
I can do better than this

Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it?
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?

How do you keep a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.

What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO?
I don't know, I've never seen either one.

Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

Why do men love computers?
No matter what mood they are in, they can still get a floppy in.

How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to actually change it, and 3 friends to brag about how he screwed it.

How many men does it take to replace a roll of toilet paper?
No one knows....It's never happened.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

How does a man show he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

What makes a man chase women he has no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

How is being at a singles bar different than being at the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.

Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors and don't work half the time.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

How do men define a 50-50 relationship?
We cook/they eat; we clean/they dirty; we iron/they wrinkle.

What's the best way to force a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

How do men exercise at the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

What does a man consider to be a seven-course meal?
A hot dog and a six-pack.

Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
When the crew gets lost in space at least the women will ask for directions.

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between snowmen and snow women?
Snowballs.

What does Popeye do to keep his favorite tool from rusting?
Sticks it in Olive Oil.

What did the banana say to the vibrator?
What are YOU shaking for? She's going to eat me!

What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.

What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?
About three inches.

What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
Well hung.

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.... the other is used to carry groceries.

Why can't Helen Keller drive?
Because she's a woman.

Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in most countries, son.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.

A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received 100 letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.

A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend. The woman replied, " A multi-millionaire".

Women get the last word in every argument... Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Nothing is more wasted than a smile on the face on a Playmate centerfold.

I've found that women are the chief cause of men's lying. They insist on asking too damn many questions !!!

I was once kicked out of a nudist colony. They said I had too much on my mind.

My new secretary must be absent minded. She left her clothes at the office, and took me to the cleaners.

I'm not easily attracted by a girl's mind; rather by what she doesn't mind.

I met this girl who said I could fill a void in her life. It wasn't until later I found out she meant her clothes closet.

Remember guys -- a vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry.

It's always very hard to keep a good girl down -- but, lots of fun trying!!!

Why Men Can't Win...
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

Why Men Can't Win...
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.

Why Men Can't Win...
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.
If you thump her, it's wife bashing.
If she thumps you, it's self defense.

Why Men Can't Win...
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

Why Men Can't Win...
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.
If you don't, you're a fag.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're a sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

Why Men Can't Win...
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming to high.

Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you've got sick of him.

Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.

A woman's work that is never done, is the stuff she asked her husband to do.

If you want a nice man go for a bald one -- they try harder.

Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.

There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men -- "don't" and "stop" (but not used together).

Men are all the same -- they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

Definition of a man with manners -- he gets out of the bath to pee.

Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is.

Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men -- a women.

There are a lot of words you can use to describe men -- strong, caring, loving -- they'd be wrong but you could still use them!

Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive and potentially violent -- but they make great pets!

Men's brains are like the prison system -- not enough cells per man.

Husbands are like children -- they're fine if they're someone else's.

Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33. YeeHaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ! ! !

A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee.

Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.

What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris?
Most men have no trouble finding a bar.

Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of?
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint Twins.

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes.
There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.

A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things:
1 - Women, 2 - Fractions.

Men are like vacations.... they never seem to be long enough.

Men are like computers... hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Men are like coolers... load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like chocolate bars.... sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like coffee.... the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like horoscopes.... they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like plungers.... they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

Men are like cement.... after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Men are like laxatives..... they irritate the shit out of you.

Men are like parking spots..... the good ones are already taken and what's left is handicapped.

A man is like a snowstorm..... you never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long he will last

What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.

How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that make dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, emit foul odors and don't work half the time.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes.

What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.

How do you save a man from drowning? Take your foot off his head.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know, it's never happened.

Why are men like tile floors? If you lay 'em properly the first time you can walk all over 'em for years.

What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted.

Why is it hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his freaking chest open.
Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL

Beauty is only a light switch away.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.

Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married!

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.

You're too good for him.
Sign over mirror in Women's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,

No wonder you always go home alone.
* Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,

(written high upon the wall above a urinal)
Don't look up here, the joke's in your hand.

There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you look such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known:
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
Given the choice of how to be blown.

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them!

Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.

Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They won't stop to ask directions.

What do men and sperm have in common?
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.

What is the difference between men and government bonds?
The bonds mature.

Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know; it has never happened.

Why is it so difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A Widow.

Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.

How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.

How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

What did God say after creating Adam?
I must be able to do better than that.

What did God say after creating Eve?
"Practice makes perfect."

How are men and parking spots alike?
Good ones are always taken.
Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They are married.

Man says to God: "God why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

Diamonds are a girl's best friends. Dogs are man's best friend.
So which is the dumber sex?

Single women complain that all good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.

Ever notice how many of women's problems can be traced to the male gender?
MENstruation
MENopause
MENtal breakdown
GUYnecology
HIMmorrhoids

What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.

Why do men like BMWs?
They can spell it.

What do an anniversary and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.

Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

~ George Burns

I wouldn't object to my wife having the last word-- if only she'd get to it.

~ Henny Youngman

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

~ Woodey Allen

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.

Why does a woman work for years to change a man's habits, and then complain that he's not the man she married?

~ Barbra Streisand

I told someone I was getting married, and they said "Have you picked a date yet? I said, "wow, you can bring a date to your own wedding!" "What a country!"

~ Yakov Smirnoff

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, "You're only interested in one thing," and you can't remember what it is.

~ Milton Berle

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!

~ Henny Youngman

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

~ Rodney Dangerfield.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "My man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
No need. There's a clock on the oven!

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course...at least the dog will shut up after you let him in.

All women are alike.
They just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.

I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

Bigamy is having one wife too many - Some say monogamy is the same.

Scientists have discovered one certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%
Wedding cake

For Sale: Set of Encyclopedia Britannica. Excellent Condition. Never Used.....
My freakin wife already knows EVERYTHING!

Politically Correct Ways to Talk About Men
He has a beer gut:
He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.
He has his head up his ass:
He suffers from Rectal-Cranial Inversion.
He hogs the blankets:
He is Thermally Unappreciative.

Politically Correct Ways to Talk About Men
He eats like a pig:
He suffers from Reverse Bulimia.
He can't dance:
He is Overly Caucasian.
He undresses women with his eyes:
He has an Introspective Pornographic Moments.

Politically Correct Ways to Talk About Men
He refuses to ask for directions when lost:
He discovers Alternative Destinations.
He is balding:
He is in Follicle Regression.
He gets falling-down drunk:
He becomes Accidentally Horizontal.

Politically Correct Ways to Talk About Men
He is a cradle robber:
He prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.
He is afraid of commitment:
He is Monogamously Challenged.
He is a male chauvinist pig:
He has Swine Empathy.