If you give a man a fish, he will eat for a day. If you give a man a stick of TNT, there will be little unidentifiable fish parts all over the village.

CanAnyoneHelpMeFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyBoard?

You cannot build character and courage by taking away a person's initiative and independence. You cannot help people permanently by doing for them what they could, and should, do for themselves.

~ Abe Lincoln 1861

Just because there is a road, it doesn't mean it leads anywhere.
Just because we cannot see a destination doesn't mean there isn't one.

Hatred corrodes the vessel in which it is stored.

A man is like a fine wine. He starts out raw as grapes and it's a woman's job to stomp on him and keep him in the dark until he matures into something she'd like to have dinner with.

Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure... than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat.

~ Theodore Roosevelt

It is the heart afraid of breaking
that never learns to dance.
It is the dream afraid of waking
that never takes a chance.
It is the one who won't be taken
who cannot seem to give.
And the soul afraid of dying
that never learns to live.

~ The Rose, written by Amanda McBroom, sung by Bette Middler

Forgiving's a choice you make--a gift you give to somebody even if they don't deserve it. It costs nothing, but it makes you feel rich for giving it away.

~ Lurlene McDaniel

"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope and that enables you to laugh at life's realities."

~ Dr. Seuss

Deep Thoughts
I believe in making the world safe for our children,
but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

Deep Thoughts
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying."
And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."

Deep Thoughts
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers smack each other up side the head.

Deep Thoughts
Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND.
Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank" and "ind."
What do these words mean? It's a mystery and so is mankind.

What Women Say - What They Really Mean:
I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE
I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will
COME HERE
my puppy does this too
I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS
We're gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends

What Men Say - What They Really Mean - While shopping:........
I DON'T THINK THAT BLOUSE AND THAT SKIRT GO WELL TOGETHER
I'm gay
IT MAKES YOU LOOK FAT
I'm really stupid!

Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No!
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
Homer: Heh heh heh... ooh... yeah... right, Lisa. A wonderful magical animal.

~ Homer Simpson

Phases of the male Sex Life
Phase I - Tri-weekly.
Phase II - Try weekly.
Phase III - Try weakly.

I love cats...they taste just like chicken.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.

What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
Sexual harassment.
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
$3.99 a minute.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

~ Kurt Vonnegut

Prison? Work?
In prison you get your own toilet.
At work you have to share.
In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work, you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

The hokey pokey... What if that's really what it's all about?

"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house."

~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

Things We Can Learn from Dogs:
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout... run right back and make friends.

"Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink."
~ Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
"Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it." ~ His reply

Ward, come upstairs and talk to The Beaver.

~ June (Mrs. Frisky) Cleaver

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we have no idea where she is.

~ Ellen DeGeneris

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

When you're swim'in in the creek and an eel bites your cheek, that's a Moray.

~ the Fabulous Fury Freak Brothers

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

A day without sunshine is like..... night.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

Women get the last word in every argument... Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Why Men Can't Win...
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

2 wrongs don't make a right, but 2 Wright's made an airplane.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
2 wrongs don't make a right, but 3 rights will get you back on the freeway.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
2 wrongs don't make a right, but 3 lefts do.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my Grandfather.....
Not kicking and screaming like the passengers in his car!

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Dear God
So far today, God, I've done all right.
I haven't gossiped, haven't lost my temper,
haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, nor over indulgent.
I'm very thankful for that.
But in a few minutes, God..... I'm going to get out of bed.
From then on I'm going to need a lot more help.
Amen

Filthy, Stinking Rich - - Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Signs that you are Too Drunk
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after biting you.

Why is it hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.

My friend was going to write a drinking song, but he never got past the first bar.

You can get by on charm for about 15 minutes. After that, you'd better know something.

You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.

Sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel or to stay angry. I can change my mind.

You should never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if they believed you.

Blessed is he, who having nothing much to say refrains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

When I was a child, I used to fall asleep praying that God would place a small pebble in my hand so that I would know he was real. I never got that pebble... But he sure was generous with the rocks in my head !

Humankind has not woven the web of life. We are but one thread within it. Whatever we do to the web, we do to ourselves. All things are bound together. All things connect.

~ Chief Seattle

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the same stuff?

This is sung to the tune of the Oscar Meyer Bologna theme:

His baloney has a first name, it's "I-did-not-inhale..."
His baloney has a second name, it's "I-wasn't-getting-no-tail..."
Oh he loves to sling it every day...
The White House people all just say...
That Billy Clinton has-a-way...
Of making bullshit sound O-Kay!!!

You Know You're Drinking too Much Coffee When...
Instant coffee takes too long.
Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.
The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

Politically Correct Ways to Talk About Men
He eats like a pig:
He suffers from Reverse Bulimia.
He can't dance:
He is Overly Caucasian.
He undresses women with his eyes:
He has an Introspective Pornographic Moments.