New Additions ~ March 1st, 2000

I've found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

"Do not keep the alabaster box of your love & friendship sealed up until your friends are dead. Fill their lives with sweetness. Speak approving, cheering words while their ears can hear them, and while their hearts can be thrilled and made happier. The kind things you mean to say when they are gone, say before they go."

~ George William Childs

Beware the lollipop of mediocrity. Lick once and you suck forever.

Always wanted to be a procrastinator, but never got around to it.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember amateurs built the ark - Professionals built the Titanic.

Love is grand - divorce is a hundred grand.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

POLITICALLY INCORRECT BUMPER STICKERS:
God is my copilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.

POLITICALLY INCORRECT BUMPER STICKERS:
I don't have a license to kill..... I have a learner's permit.

POLITICALLY INCORRECT BUMPER STICKERS:
5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.

POLITICALLY INCORRECT BUMPER STICKERS:
Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.

POLITICALLY INCORRECT BUMPER STICKERS:
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her..... or something like that.

POLITICALLY INCORRECT BUMPER STICKERS:
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

POLITICALLY INCORRECT BUMPER STICKERS:
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

POLITICALLY INCORRECT BUMPER STICKERS:
To all you virgins: Thanks for nothing.

POLITICALLY INCORRECT BUMPER STICKERS:
Earth is the mental ward for the Universe.

POLITICALLY INCORRECT BUMPER STICKERS:
If ignorance is bliss..... Then you must be orgasmic!

"I am treating you as my friend, asking you to share my present minuses in the hope that I can ask you to share my future pluses."

~ Katherine Mansfield

I was so poor growing up..... If I wasn't born a boy.... I'd have nothing to play with.

~ Rodney Dangerfield

A girl phoned me the other day and said..... "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

~ Rodney Dangerfield

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

~ Rodney Dangerfield

One day as I came home early from work..... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy..... "Hey buddy why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."

~ Rodney Dangerfield

Its been a rough day. I got up this morning..... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

~ Rodney Dangerfield

I was such an ugly kid..... when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

~ Rodney Dangerfield

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

~ Rodney Dangerfield

When I was born..... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said "We did everything we could..... But he pulled through.

~ Rodney Dangerfield

Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him..."Do you think we'll ever find them? "He said "I don't know kid..... there are so many places they can hide."

~ Rodney Dangerfield

I'm so ugly..... I worked in the pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.

~ Rodney Dangerfield

"Ideals are like stars, you will not succeed in touching them with your hands. But like the seafaring men on the desert of waters, you choose them as your guides, and following them you will reach your destiny."

~ Carl Schurz

"It is discouraging how many people are shocked by honesty and how few by deceit."

~ Noël Coward

"Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective."

~ P. J. O'Rourke

Statistics are like bikinis. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

Deep Thought:
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

~ by Jack Handy

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

~ Frank Sinatra

The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.

~ William Butler Yeats

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

~ W.C. Fields

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.

~ Tom Waits

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.

~ Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

~ Dave Barry

"Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired."

~ Robert Frost

"Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence."

~ H. L. Mencken

Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die.

My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker."

~ Emo Philips

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."

~ Kevin James

The smart man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe..... but the stupid man will find some seaweed and roll around until he's all covered in it and go, "Hey! I'm vine man!"

"Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage."

~Woody Allen

A wise man once said... I don't know.

Blind people don't bungee jump. It scares the dog too much.

I'm in shape. Round is a shape, isn't it?

To be is to do (Sartre)
To do is to be (Casmus)
Do be do be do (Sinatra)

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.

When in darkness or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

As long as you keep a person down, some part of you has to be down there to hold him down, so it means you cannot soar as you otherwise might.