"I'm not sure who he is, but I get the feeling he's got his hand in a lot of things."

~ Kermit The Frog speaking about Jim Henson.

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?

(1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
(2) Advising the President.
(3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

~ David Letterman

"If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you."

~ Winnie the Pooh

"USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75 percent of the population."

~ David Letterman

"It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up."

~ Muhammed Ali

"Love is like an hourglass with the heart filling up as the brain empties."

~ Jules Renard

"It's hard to make predictions, ecspecially about the future."

~ Yogi Berra

"We are each of us angels with only one wing. And we can only fly embracing each other"

~ Luciano De Crescenzo

"Love, in distinction from friendship, is killed, or rather extinguished, the moment it is displayed in public."

~ Hannah Arendt

"In real love you want the other person's good. In romantic love you want the other person."

~ Margaret Anderson

"Tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all."

~ Alfred Lord Tennyson

"We cannot really love anybody with whom we never laugh."

~ Aymes Repplier

"Love doesn't make the world go 'round, love is what makes the ride worthwhile."

~ Franklin P. Adams

"To write a good love letter, you ought to begin without knowing what you mean to say and to finish without knowing what you have written."

~ Jean Jacques Rousseau

"Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it."

~ Laurence J. Peter

"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls, and looks like work."

~ Thomas Edison

"The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows."

~ Aristotle Onassis

"Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names."

~ John F. Kennedy

"When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before."

~ Mae West

Great men undertake great things because they are great; fools, because they think them easy.

~ Vauvenargues

Children will soon forget your presents, they will always remember your presence.

~ James Dobson

You cannot build character and courage by taking away a person's initiative and independence. You cannot help people permanently by doing for them what they could, and should, do for themselves.

~ Abe Lincoln 1861

"Things turn out best for those that make the best of the way things turn out."

~ Art Linkletter

"Some men see things as they are and say why? I dream things that never were and say Why not?"

~ Robert Kennedy

"The world is a dangerous place to live in, not because of the people that do evil; but because of the people that stand by and let them do it."

~ Albert Einstein

Man's mind stretched by a new idea never goes back to its original dimensions.

~ Oliver Wendell Holmes

"Can I draw you a beer, Norm ?"
"No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one."

~ Norm Peterson

"How's a beer sound, Norm?"
"I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in."

~ Norm Peterson

"What's shaking, Norm?"
"All four cheeks & a couple of chins."

~ Norm Peterson

"What's new, Normie?"
"Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach & they're demanding beer."

~ Norm Peterson

"What'll it be, Normie?"
"Just the usual Coach. I'll have a froth of beer & a snorkel."

~ Norm Peterson

"What would you say to a beer, Normie?"
"Daddy wuvs you."

~ Norm Peterson

"What'd you like, Normie?"
"A reason to live. Give me another beer."

~ Norm Peterson

"What'll you have, Normie?"
"Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap."
"Looks like beer, Norm."
"Call me Mister Lucky."

~ Norm Peterson

"Whaddya say, Norm?"
"Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink."

~ Norm Peterson

"Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"
"Like a baby treats a diaper."

~ Norm Peterson

Things ain't like they used to be - and they never were.

~ Yogi Berra

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

~ Robin Williams

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.

~ Roseanne

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?"

~ Larry Miller

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.

~ Jay Leno

In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?

~ Jay Leno

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms."

~ Elayne Boosler

If you judge someone, you have no time to love them.

~ Mother Teresa

Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction.

~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery

For the man sound in body and serene of mind there is no such thing as bad weather, every sky has its beauty, and storms which whip the blood do but make it pulse more vigorously.

~ George Gissing

The hardest of all is learning to be a well of affection, and not a fountain, to show them that we love them, not when we feel like it, but when they do.

~ Nan Fairbrother

The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved - loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.

~ Victor Hugo

It is with true love as it is with ghosts; everyone talks about it, but few have seen it.

~ La Rochefoucauld

Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.

~ Joan Crawford

Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love.

~ Albert Einstein

It is better to be hated for who you are than to be loved for what you are not.

~ Andre Gide

Love is not blind-It sees more and not less, but because it sees more, it is willing to see less.

~ Will Moss

We are each of us angels with only one wing. And we can only fly by embracing each other.

~ Luciano de Crescenzo

Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure... than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat.

~ Theodore Roosevelt

Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.

~ Tolstoy

Change is inevitable - except from a vending machine.

~ Robert C. Gallagher

I hope my achievements in life shall be these--that I will have fought for what was right and fair, that I will have risked for that which mattered, that I will have given help to those who were in need... that I will have left the earth a better place for what I've done and who I've been.

~ C. Hoppe

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside dreams. Who looks inside awakens.

~ Carl Jung

I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do.

~ Edward Everet Hale

A visionary is one who can find his way by moonlight, and see the dawn before the rest of the world.

~ Oscar Wilde

The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, and there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence. Yet, government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.

~ David McIntosh

It is the heart afraid of breaking
that never learns to dance.
It is the dream afraid of waking
that never takes a chance.
It is the one who won't be taken
who cannot seem to give.
And the soul afraid of dying
that never learns to live.

~ The Rose, written by Amanda McBroom, sung by Bette Middler

Forgiving's a choice you make--a gift you give to somebody even if they don't deserve it. It costs nothing, but it makes you feel rich for giving it away.

~ Lurlene McDaniel

"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope and that enables you to laugh at life's realities."

~ Dr. Seuss

The greatest pleasure I know is to do a good action bt stealth, and to have it found out by accident.

~ Charles Lamb

It is not enough to have a good mind. The main thing is to use it well.

~ Rene Descartes

An ethical person ought to do more than he is required to do and less than he is allowed to do.

~ Michael Josephson

A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for.

~ John A. Shedd

Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest.

~ Mark Twain

Experience is not what happens to a man; it is what a man does with what happens to him.

~ Aldous Huxley

When written in Chinese, the word crisis is composed of two characters. One represents danger, the other opportunity.

~ John F. Kennedy

"When an emotional injury takes place, the body begins a process as natural as the healing of a wound. Let the process happen. Trust that nature will do the healing. Know that the pain will pass, and, when it passes you will be stronger, happier, more sensitive and aware."

~ Mel Colgrove

I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. I love to keep it by me; the idea of getting rid of it nearly breaks my heart.

~ Jerome K. Jerome

Nothing has turned out as we expected! It never does. Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect. We take what we get and are thankful it's no worse than it is.

~ from "Gone With the Wind"

"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart."

Helen Keller

Right with God
My great concern is not whether God is on our side; my great concern is to be on God's side, for God is always right.

~ Abraham Lincoln in a reply to a deputation of southerners

A successful lawsuit is one worn by a policeman.

~ Robert Frost

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined.

~ Samuel Goldwyn

Be careful about reading health books - you might die from a misprint.

~ Mark Twain

"My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head."

~ Rita Rudner

Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it. Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it. Hatred darkens life; love illumines it.

~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

" _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ "

~ Marcel Marceau

"We were happily married for eight months. Unfortunately, we were married for four and a half years."

~ Nick Faldo

Do not pray for easy lives. Pray to be stronger men.

~ John F. Kennedy

Love must be as much a light, as it is a flame.

~ Henry David Thoreau

"So you think *I'm* the murderer?
What do I have to do to convince you that I'm not, be the next victim?"
"Well, that would be a start."

~Cary Grant & Audrey Hepburn in "Charade", 1963

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said..... "A truck!"

~ Emo Phillips

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

~ Emo Phillips

I ran three miles today, finally I said "lady take your purse."

~ Emo Phillips

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.

~ Emo Phillips

People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"

~ Emo Phillips

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

~ Emo Phillips

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.

~ Emo Phillips

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky---but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

~ Emo Phillips

The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?" I said, "I don't know. You can't see out the other way."

~ Emo Phillips

Emo Phillips was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, Emo was asked if he knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. His reply: "I don't know, reelection to the Senate?"

I love to go down to the school yard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming...They don't know I'm only using blanks.

~ Emo Phillips

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off me, you two!"

~ Emo Phillips

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

~ Emo Phillips

You know what I hate? Indian givers...no, I take that back.

~ Emo Phillips

Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?

~ Jerry Seinfeld

Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?

~ Jerry Seinfeld

If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach?

~ Jerry Seinfeld

Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"?

~ Jerry Seinfeld

> All the king's HORSES and all the king's men? Are you kidding me? No wonder they couldn't put Humpty together again. Just what did those idiots expect the horses to do, anyway?

~ Jerry Seinfeld

Isn't it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did THAT happen? Did some cattleman once say, "Oh, man, I can't wait till them calves are done so I can get ME a hit of that stuff."

~ Jerry Seinfeld

Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No!
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
Homer: Heh heh heh... ooh... yeah... right, Lisa. A wonderful... magical animal.

~ Homer Simpson

Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old! Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!
Homer: And how!

~ Homer Simpson

Operator! Give me the number for 911!

~ Homer Simpson

Lenny: Hey, Homer? What do I tell the boss?
Homer: Tell him I'm going to the back seat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

~ Homer Simpson

Big brother representative: Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why you're here?
Homer's brain: Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge.
Homer: Ummm... revenge?
Homer's brain: Okay, that's it. I'm outta here.
(step step step step step...slam)

~ Homer Simpson

Homer: Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer.
Homer's Brain: It's a deal!

~ Homer Simpson

Marge: Homer, did you call the audience "Chicken"?
Homer: No! I swear on this bible!
Marge: That's not a bible. That's a book of carpet samples.
Homer: Mmmm... fuzzy.

~ Homer Simpson

Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad!
Homer: Did you wreck the car?
Bart: No.
Homer: Did you raise the dead?
Lisa: Yes.
Homer: But the car's okay?
Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh.
Homer: All right then.

~ Homer Simpson

What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway.

~ Homer Simpson

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday.

~ Kurt Vonnegut

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

~ Kurt Vonnegut

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.

~ Kurt Vonnegut

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

~ Kurt Vonnegut

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

~ Kurt Vonnegut

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.

~ Kurt Vonnegut

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.

~ Kurt Vonnegut

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

~ Kurt Vonnegut

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.

~ Kurt Vonnegut

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

~ Kurt Vonnegut

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

~ Kurt Vonnegut

"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country."

~ Elayne Boosler

"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman."

~ Maryon Pearson

"I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night."

~ Marie Corelli

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?"

~ Linda Ellerbee

"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house."

~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

I want to be reincarnated as your tampon.
~ Prince Charles, 1991 (Not recommended as a pick up line. Kids, don't try this at home.)

Capital punishment is our societies recognition of the sanctity of human life. ~ Orrin Hatch, Senator from Utah.

Don't be humble. You're not that great.

~ Golda Meir

I think that the undecideds could go one way or the other.

~ George Bush, 1988

Honest businessmen should be protected from the unscrupulous consumer.
~ Lester Maddox, then governor of Georgia, on why his state should not create a consumer protection agency.

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
~ Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

I didn't inhale.

~ (former?) President, Bill Clinton

Who ever heard of Casablanca? I don't want to star opposite some unknown Swedish broad.
~ George Raft, on the role of Rick in Casablanca

Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own.

~ Aristotle

Ward, come upstairs and talk to The Beaver.

~ June (Mrs. Frisky) Cleaver

I was not lying. I said things that later on seemed to be untrue.
~ Richard Nixon, discussing Watergate in 1978

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
~ Brooke Shields, on why she wanted to become spokesperson for a federal antismoking campaign.

Isn't there any other part of the matzo you can eat?
~ Marilyn Monroe, after being served matzoball soup three meals in a row.

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It's not fair that some men should be happier than others.

~ Oscar Wilde

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

~ Helen Rowland

Everyday people are straying away from the church and going back to God.

~ Lenny Bruce

Bite the wax tadpole.
~ Coca-Cola name as originally translated into Chinese (later changed to "May the mouth rejoice").

Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave.
~ Ad slogan "Pepsi comes alive" as initially translated into Chinese.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist - -
~ Last words of Union commander General John Sedgwick, spoken as he was watching enemy troops at the Battle of Spotsylvania Court House.

I have no weakness for shoes. I wear very simple shoes which are pump shoes. It is not one of my weaknesses.
~ Imelda Marcos, owner of 3,400 pairs of shoes.

Facts are stupid things.

~ Ronald Reagan

Where would Christianity be if Jesus got eight to fifteen years, with time off for good behavior?
~ New York Senator James H. Donovan commenting on capital punishment.

Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.
~ General William Westmoreland on why the media should be controlled in wartime.

I stand by all the misstatements.
~ Dan Quayle, then vice-presidential hopeful, defending his verbal gaffes.

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window!

~ Steve Bluestone

Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

~ George Carlin

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is.

~ Ellen DeGeneris

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.

~ Jackie Gleason

Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it.

~ Stephen Leacock

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.

~ Roger Simon

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

~ Pearl Williams

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

~ Dave Edison

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

~ George Gobel

I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?

~ Jerry Seinfeld

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

~ George Burns

I wouldn't object to my wife having the last word-- if only she'd get to it.

~ Henny Youngman

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

~ Woodey Allen

Why does a woman work for years to change a man's habits, and then complain that he's not the man she married?

~ Barbra Streisand

I told someone I was getting married, and they said "Have you picked a date yet? I said, "wow, you can bring a date to your own wedding!" "What a country!"

~ Yakov Smirnoff

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, "You're only interested in one thing," and you can't remember what it is.

~ Milton Berle

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!

~ Henny Youngman

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

~ Rodney Dangerfield.

Confucius say
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Confucius say:
Man who stand on toilet high on pot.

Confucius say:
Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.

Confucius say:
Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.

Confucius say:
Baseball wrong--man with four balls cannot walk.

Confucius say:
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

"I ain't got time to bleed."
Jesse (Governor of Minnesota) the Body Ventura

"I'll tell you what kind of guy I was. If you ordered a boxcar full of "sons-of-bitches" and opened the door and only found me inside, you could consider the order filled."

~ Robert Mitchum