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Up until 15 months ago, before I identified that I was indeed transgendered, I have always suspected that I was different. It was very difficult to ascertain how I was different. Some people would even say that we are all different in our own unique way. It was more the subtle things, like how I liked listening to people's problems so that I could help them, my sensitivity to anything that may seem brute or harsh, preference to objects of beauty and the finer things in life. I love plays and love stories and this includes romantic movies. I have never been interested with cars or planes. I have always romanticised trains, taking long country trips by rail. I have always been intrigued by womens' fashion and cosmetics. I could never tolerate untidyness.
On the physical side, I suppose you could say I am more on the slinky side. I walk with a gait which you could call feminine. My hand gestures and body language all sing female..female. I have always been soft spoken, and would also prefer to be spoken to that way. I have always preferred to be among girls, rather than with boys. If I was not around girls, I would be by myself. I have a younger brother who display what I would deem as a masculine nature. But no matter how I tried, I could never be like him. Added to how I felt, I was brought up in a family where my mother had a stronger influence on me tah my father did. During most of my early years, my dad was always travelling interstate for work. Being the eldest son and having no sisters, I was given the responsibility by my mum, to help her out with the household chores. I remember helping with the washing, cooking, gardening, and constantly running errants for her until my mid teens. When I was not doing the chores, I would be doing my homework from school. Unlike the other boys in the neighbourhood, who spent most of their spare time playing cowboys and indians, I spend my time in the kitchen helping mum out with the evening meals. By the time I reached adolescence, I realised that I lacked social skills needed to associate with the other kids. I was very quiet and shy and always felt left out and different from the other boys. I always found the girls easier to get along with and felt more comfortable with them. As all of my cousins were girls, I could only recall playing girl games with them like hopscotch, pick up stones, etc.
I first realised I was different when I started school. I noticed that the boys were very rough and tough with the way they spoke and the games they played, though not as bothered about the little things. I did try to make the best of it by participating to some degree, but I could never feel totally comfortable with it. I also learnt quickly that boys do not play with the girls or risk being teased and called sissy. This did not help my situation, as I preferred to be among the girls. Due to this dilemma, I spent a greater portion of my spare time at school by myself, usually in the library or in the school field catching butterflies, grasshoppers and tadpoles.
I do not know exactly when I started acting different from your average boy. My first recollections date to when I was very young when my grandmother was looking after me. I remember playing with her makeup and making a mess of my face. When I was 12 or 13, I had the upportunity to dress up in one of my mum's dresses. I do not know why I did it, or what compelled me to do it, but I remember feeling very at ease and comfortable, but more importantly it felt right. I recall crossdressing often during my teen years when the opportunity presented itself.
Over the years, I have had to hide a lot of how I naturally felt, in the fear of being called a sissy or girlie. I learnt how a boy should behave by mimmicking the other boys I knew. I learnt only too well that boys do not behave like girls. Little did I know that by suppressing my sensitive and soft side, I was indeed just prolonging the time needed to accept myself for who I was. Being of an asian background, boys are supposed to be the strong one and stood for the family in all matters. I have felt a lot of guilt all my life because of this expectation that boys are not supposed to act girly or dress like one.
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