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The psychological pain I feel when needing to dress up is like grieving for a lost friend or a parent, like somehow needing to be released from some prison, except that this pain never goes away. The pain varies in intensity depending on how often I can allow myself to crossdress. Crossdressing is like taking an aspirin for my pain. When I am in girl mode, I am free of this pain. However, once I return to boy mode, the pain gradually returns. To date, I can go no more than 2 weeks before needing to dress up again.
The first time I had this attack about 15 months ago, it was so unbearable that I felt like committing suicide. I could not sleep, eat and even work. I had no peace of mind whatsoever. All I could think of was to be the girl within me, even for a short time. Often I wished to be the girl I knew I was, but was unable to due to living restrictions.
With the help of a leading gender psychiatrist, I have been better able to understand my condition and learn to manage the stress levels to a point where I am able to lead a fairly normal life. I have had to relearn most of my notions of cultural values, gender and social expectations. I have had to accept the fact that I was in fact different, and that it is alright to be more psychologically feminine than your average male, which is totally opposite to what I have been doing all my life, i.e rejecting my feminine side. Although the therapy involved trying not to crossdress to be relieved of this condition, I was not able to get past the pain I felt. It got to a stage where therapy was not benefitting me further and I had to terminate my sessions with my psychiatrists. Besides, the sessions were costing me a mint. That aside, at least now I have a more thorough understanding of why I feel what I feel, and I am aware of how to remedy the pain.
As a consequence of not being totally successful with my therapy, I decided to contact others like myself, in the hope of being able to share this experience and perhaps help others who may be down this path in their lives. Through two local support groups in Melbourne, Chameleon Society of Melbourne and Seahorse Club of Victoria, I have come to meet so many others who share this condition. I have not only received support but also a lot of compassion and understanding. I have not regretted once about joining these support groups. My advice to you out there with gender dysphoria, is to please try to get out and contact your local support group. They appear to be the only ones who understand the actual pain you are going through. Somehow sharing the pain you feel will also alleviate your feelings of isolation. If locating a source for information is not possible, your best bet is probably the internet. That's how I started looking for information.
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