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TITLE: Chakotay's Personal Log
CATEGORY: VOY J/C
RATING: PG
AUTHOR: LadyChakotay
DISCLAIMER: Paramount owns all of it, right down to Chakotay's tattoo. I'm just playing with them for a while. I'll send them home when I'm done.
SUMMARY: Commander Chakotay writes his last personal log entry before Captain Janeway takes the Delta Flyer and boards the Borg Cube in Unimatrix Zero.
Chakotay's Personal Log, Stardate XXXX.X
Tomorrow is the day, the day I have been dreading. No matter how many ways I've tried to prepare myself for this - I still feel ill-equipped. I have to let her go to them. I have to let Kathryn go to the Borg.
She called me to her ready room after she visited Unimatrix Zero. I knew by the way she clenched her jaw and paced the room that she was about to drop another bomb on me. She gets that way every time. It's astounding to me that I can read her so well, yet… I simply can't imagine it any other way. She wanted to infiltrate the Borg, and assist in a civil war, an insurrection. She wanted to put Voyager and herself right smack in the middle of hell.
"There have been times when I've decided to proceed without your support. But this isn't one of those times. I won't do this without my First Officer." That's what she said to me, looking at me with eyes so blue I lost my concentration. She said "…my First Officer". But what I heard was "…my best friend, my angry warrior". She needed me to support her. It was manifested so clearly on her face, her eyes pleading with me to get behind her on this. So I said the only thing I could. "It's a small price to pay…". I gave her what I knew she needed most at that moment, my acquiescence. Now I must let her go, and pray that she returns, and that she can live with what they do to her while she is one of them. A small price to pay? I couldn't have been more wrong!
I was adamant that Tuvok and B'Elanna accompany her on this mission. I promised her my support, but I knew I could never live with the thought of her going through that alone. So it's a dual edged sword, you see. I ease my conscience on one side of the sword because I know Kathryn will not be unaided, but I cut myself with the other side. I have sent two of my dear friends to face a mission from which they may never return. And if they do come back, their emotional trauma may produce scars too large to live with. How does one recover from such a violation as assimilation? Even with the help of my spirit guide, I still cannot find peace within myself.
Kathryn… she means so much to me. She is the completion of my soul. But I knew when I first met her that she was irrepressible. It's impossible to bind that kind of fire and determination possessed by a spirit as red-headed and tenacious as hers. That's the inferno that draws me to her. But it may also be the very thing that takes her away from me. I must resist my urge to smother her flames, to over-protect her in an effort to keep her safe. Because doing that would lessen and devalue the person she is. The person that I fell in love with.
I stare at the bulkhead that separates our quarters, and I wonder… how many cups of coffee has she drunk tonight? How many laps has she paced around her sitting room? I know she won't be sleeping this night. Maybe I should go to her. Maybe I should take her into my arms and tell her how I feel… tell her that I love her more than I have ever loved another person. If I could hold her next to me, perhaps she would feel safe, just for a little while. Would she allow it? Would she fall into my embrace and tell me that she feels the same way about me? Or would she reject me again, as she has done so many times before?
I know the answer deep inside me. She would push me away, as she always does. And I would stand there like a fool, with my heart in my hands. I can't do that again. I can't take the chance that my last memories with her would be rejection, humiliation. God, you are a coward, Old Man!
Computer…delete log entry!
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