I have had to miss the dance

SUMMARY: My own addition to Endgame. I swore when I watched it that I wouldn't dignify the C/7 crap with a story. But Captain Janeway wouldn't get out of my head. She chattered in the back of my mind, demanding to be heard. So, here it is, Kathryn. Now give me some peace and quiet!

RATING: NC-17 - to be on the safe side.

DISCLAIMER: Paramount certainly doesn't deserve them! But they own them nonetheless. Though I don't imagine they'd want this Janeway, or this story for that matter. Seven doesn't feature in it. She's not sleeping with me.

The song lyrics belong to Garth Brooks and Celine Dion.

~ This story is dedicated to Kate Mulgrew, who will never read it, but without a doubt inspired it. She may not have cured cancer with her perfect performance in the finale, but she certainly touched my life. Thank you, Kate!

I'd Have Had to Miss the Dance…

"Seven of Nine is going to die."

"What?" Captain Janeway felt as though the air had just been sucked from her lungs.

"Three years from now." Said the Admiral. "She'll be injured on an away mission. She'll make it back to Voyager, and die in the arms of her husband."

Now that was hard to imagine. As far as Kathryn knew, she wasn't even seeing anyone. "Husband?" she echoed.

Was that lingering pain she saw flash through the eyes of her older self? A wound that had never healed?

"Chakotay." The Admiral explained as she watched the younger captain's reaction carefully.

Kathryn felt as though she'd just been socked in the stomach by a photon torpedo. Chakotay? He's going to marry Seven? It was unimaginable!

Before she could even begin to digest the news, the Admiral continued her barrage. She informed the captain that she would lose another 22 members of her crew before she finally got Voyager home. And that the lengthy journey would exact a costly toll - Tuvok's sanity.

It pained the Admiral to see the myriad of emotions play out on the captain's face, remembering her own agony as each of those events unfolded in her own timeline. But she had to make her see past her self-righteousness and lofty Starfleet morality. The universe was a dangerous place. Sometimes you're the dog, and sometimes you're the fire hydrant. Voyager had been the hydrant far too many times. She had to make the captain see that. It was time to be selfish. The lives of her crew depended on it.

Captain Janeway tried to maintain her composure to hide the reeling pain that threatened to crash in on her. But she knew the Admiral saw it. How do you hide from yourself? A wiser, more experienced version of yourself at that.

Kathryn barely made it to her quarters before the tears became too numerous to contain. As the door slid closed behind her, she moved directly to her spot before the viewport, searching the alien stars for some rhyme or reason for all of it.

It hurt to think that Tuvok was suffering from a degenerative neurological disorder, the Doctor his only confidante. Why hadn't he come to her, his oldest friend on the ship? The fact that he'd chosen not to confide in her hurt more than she cared to admit.

But the thing that stung the most was the knowledge of Chakotay and Seven. It was just too bizarre to imagine! She'd never noticed anything going on between them before. In fact, they didn't even seem to LIKE each other very much. Was it going on right now, the two of them turning to each other at this very moment?

Chakotay's words of earlier that day echoed in her mind. She'd invited him to lunch in the mess hall. Something he usually accepted zealously. But today, he'd looked reluctant, even uncomfortable when she'd made the offer. "I'd love to. But I've already made plans. Can I get a rain check?"

Is that what his mysterious "plans" were? A date with Seven? If so, why hadn't he told her? She was supposed to be his best friend after all.

And Seven? She'd practically raised her, guiding her toward her humanity one agonizing step at a time. She'd been like a mother to the younger woman. And for what? So she could be with Chakotay in ways that Kathryn had never allowed herself to be?

She knew she should respect their privacy. After all, she had no claim on Chakotay. In fact, she'd spent the last seven years pushing him away whenever she felt the need. She'd told him to go on with his life, hadn't she? She just never thought he'd do it.

Her curiosity got the better of her, and before she could stop herself, she was asking the computer for Chakotay's location.

"Commander Chakotay is in his quarters."

She swallowed deliberately, not really wanting the answer to the question she knew she was about to ask. "Is there anyone else in the commander's quarters?"

"Affirmative." Droned the computer. "Seven of Nine."

Kathryn sank slowly into the lounge chair and dropped her head into her hands. She didn't even bother to swipe at the tears that rolled down her cheeks. When had everything changed? She felt betrayed by the entire crew, as if they were all conducting separate lives behind her back and keeping it from her. Yesterday, it had been any other day in the Delta Quadrant, flirting with Chakotay on the bridge, Seven as stoic and cold as ever, Tuvok, very focused and oriented, discussing security drills and tactical scenarios…

Today, she had met an aged, bitter version of herself, found out that the man she just assumed would always love her from afar had quietly moved on, and her whole world had been turned upside down, shaken unmercifully, and then dropped in a clattering mess to the floor. The pain from such a realization was staggering, and Kathryn felt her loneliness and isolation now more than ever before.

*~*~*~*

Chakotay sat in Sandrine's sipping a cup of hot tea and staring at the wall. It was early in the evening, but his date with Seven had been cut short when she'd been called to Astrometrics to assist Harry with an analysis. He hadn't felt like staying in his quarters, so he'd wandered into Sandrine's.

Truth be told, Chakotay was unable to relax. Seeing this version of Kathryn from the future had unnerved him unexpectedly. At first, he was sure his eyes were playing tricks on him. But the more he looked at her, the more he became certain that the woman was indeed Kathryn Janeway. An aged and somewhat changed version, but it was her nonetheless.

He wasn't sure exactly why her arrival had affected him so deeply. Perhaps it was the eyes - those familiar blue eyes that he knew by heart. They were the same, yet they were unmistakably different. A little more haunted perhaps, a little more hardened than the eyes of the Kathryn Janeway of his day. Part of him wondered what horrors Admiral Janeway had seen to warrant such turbulence under her calm exterior, what disturbing images lurked in the shadows and invaded her dreams.

His thoughts quickly drifted to Captain Janeway, the Kathryn he knew so well. This had to be taking a toll on her, and he hadn't even paid her a visit or offered a shoulder. The guilt began again, twisting his stomach into a painful knot that crept slowly up his throat. He hadn't told her that he was seeing Seven of Nine yet. He wasn't deliberately trying to be deceptive. Truly he wasn't. He wouldn't intentionally do that to Kathryn, or to Seven. But he just couldn't bring himself to tell her. Part of him knew that she would be hurt, and he just couldn't bear it.

In all fairness, Kathryn had all but pushed him into a relationship with Seven, always trying to get him into Seven's corner and pairing them together. And always holding him at arm's length, year after year. Over the past few months, he'd begun to see something beneath Seven's icy exterior. He'd discovered that she was actually very warm and affectionate. There was a passionate woman beneath all that Borg hardware, and Chakotay found himself suddenly very enamored by her.

Was it really love? Maybe. Maybe not. Perhaps it was just Chakotay being what he was - a peacemaker - trying to help a conflicted woman quiet her soul. He had always had what Kathryn called a "Jesus complex", thinking that if he tried hard enough, he could save every wayward and troubled soul in the galaxy. Perhaps this new attraction to Seven was nothing more than that.

Or perhaps it was more. When he could tell he had reached her, really touched her in some way, he felt like the world around him had meaning. And he saw the light of the stars in her new smile. While he doubted he would ever love anyone with the intensity and slow burning devotion that he held for Kathryn, he could honestly see himself making a life with the passionate being beneath Seven's stoicism. Kathryn had made it painfully clear that he would not be making a life with her, and he had to move on. And he had to admit, it was invigorating after all this time to finally spend time with a woman who reciprocated his feelings, who didn't stiffen and pull away when he touched her. He'd almost forgotten what it was like to be loved in return. He knew that Kathryn loved him, but he was certain that she had never loved him as deeply as he did her. She just wouldn't allow herself to.

But he knew a very large part of his heart would always belong to Kathryn. She was the fuel that propelled him through this godforsaken quadrant. She was the reason he got out of bed everyday for the past seven years. But unrequited love, no matter how strong, can't last forever. For as much as he cherished her, even admired her, she was also the fire in which he burned. She was slowly consuming him from the inside, searing away at his battle-scarred heart until he feared he would grow cold inside and never love anyone again. Hard as it was, he had to let her go.

He was so lost in his thoughts, drowning in the images of times shared with Kathryn along this journey, that he didn't even hear the footfalls as someone approached.

"Is this a private party? Do I need an invitation?"

The voice was as familiar to him as his own, yet it was a bit deeper than normal, a bit more gravelly than usual. He looked up into the eyes of Admiral Kathryn Janeway, and again shivered inwardly at the sheer absurdity of it all. He felt like he knew her so well, yet not at all.

"Admiral…" he grinned. "Please, won't you join me? You always have an invitation with me. You should know that."

The white-haired woman lowered herself into the chair across from Chakotay and gestured to his cup. "What are you drinking?"

"Tea."

She chuckled softly. "Of course. I should've known."

"Can I get you a cup of coffee?"

The Admiral shook her head. "No, thank you. Actually, I gave it up. But some tea would be nice."

Chakotay's dark eyes narrowed as he stared at her suspiciously. "YOU gave up coffee? Willingly? Now I know you must be an imposter!" He poured her a cup of the steaming liquid and pushed it gently toward her.

The Admiral smiled affectionately and patted his hand. "I assure you, Chakotay. It's me."

As she gazed at him, her blue eyes took on a far away look, and an expression of sadness washed over her face. She explored his face with her eyes, as if she were trying to commit every detail to memory.

Chakotay stared back at her, mesmerized by the intensity of her gaze, and by the sheer attractiveness of her. Even at 70 plus, Kathryn was still beautiful. But the sadness in her face was palpable, and he found his heart racing as she leaned forward and took his face between her wrinkled hands. Her voice cracked with emotion as she spoke. "It's so good to see you again, Chakotay. I have missed you terribly…"

He wasn't quite sure how to respond. Why had she missed him? Where was he in her timeline? Part of him wanted to ask, but the stronger part of him knew better. He covered her trembling hands with his own and pulled them tightly to his chest. "I'm right here, Kathryn." He said softly. "Right here."

Admiral Janeway shuttered slightly at his use of her given name. It had been years since she'd heard him call her that. She'd almost forgotten how he said it with such reverence, as if he were uttering a holy prayer. Before she could stop it, a small tear escaped her eye and trickled down her cheek.

Chakotay reached up and gently wiped it away with his thumb. "What is it, Admiral? Why are you crying?"

Janeway pulled away abruptly, as if she suddenly realized that her emotions were showing. She cleared her throat in an effort to gather her composure, much like the Kathryn of Chakotay's day would do. "It's nothing." She said evenly. "Forgive me. It's just so good to see you again."

His curiosity was getting the better of him. Whatever happened to him in her timeline had obviously had a huge impact on her. "What?" he chuckled. "Am I dead in your time or something? You almost look like you're seeing a ghost."

He had been teasing, trying to lighten the mood. But the look of panicked grief that flashed across the Admiral's face told him that it was no joke. He had unwittingly hit the nail right on the head. His brows climbed up his forehead as comprehension crept into his brain.

"That's it, isn't it?" he said. "In your time, I'm dead."

He watched as she schooled her features into a look of controlled passivity. "Come now, Commander. You know I can't tell you that. Temporal Prime Directive." She quirked an eyebrow at him. "What would your captain say?"

Chakotay allowed himself a small chuckle. "That depends on what's at stake, and her mood at the time." He took a sip of his tea and regarded her evenly. "You know, I could argue that your very presence here will have unknown affects on your timeline. The events you remember are no longer a certainty, and in all probability, the past as you knew it doesn't even exist anymore. So I'm not sure the Temporal Prime Directive applies in this situation."

The Admiral's bottom lip jutted out and she nodded. "A valid argument." She conceded. "But I didn't come to Sandrine's to discuss your future, my past, with you."

"Then why did you come here?"

She averted her eyes briefly, and then with a defiant tilt of her chin she met his gaze. "I just wanted to see you. Can't an old lady pay a visit to her best friend?"

Chakotay leaned forward and peered at her through narrowed eyes. "I think it's more than that. I know you, Kathryn. Or rather, I know who you used to be. You may have aged, gotten a little wiser, a little harder maybe, but at the core - you're still the Kathryn I see on this ship everyday. And I can still read you like a book."

She arched a graceful eyebrow in response. "Is that so?"

"Yes." He said. "It is. You're holding something back, something that troubles you greatly. I'd like to help if I can. But I can't do that unless you tell me what's on your mind."

She flashed him a lop-sided grin. "I'd forgotten how persuasive you can be."

"Well…" he said, leaning back in his chair and folding his arms casually across his chest. "Now that I've refreshed your memory, why don't you fill me in?'

The Admiral nodded quietly, breathing deeply of the recirculated air as if trying to gather her courage. Finally she wrapped her hands around her teacup and looked squarely at Chakotay.

"I don't want to get into a long discussion with you about your fate in my timeline. If I am successful here, that future will never happen." She fixed her blue eyes on him intently. "What I wanted to say to you has to do with me. Well, with who I was when I was on Voyager."

"You want to discuss Captain Janeway." Chakotay paraphrased.

She nodded. "Yes. Yes I do." She brushed a disobedient lock of white hair from her eyes and then folded her arms haughtily. "You're an idiot, Chakotay."

The commander's eyebrows climbed up his forehead. "I beg your pardon."

"You heard me." She scolded. "You're an idiot."

He nodded noncommittally. "Okay. Do you plan to tell me why?"

"Because." She said, rising to her feet to pace in front of the table. "You can't see what's right before your eyes. You're hurting her and you don't even realize it. Right now, at this very moment, you're causing her unbearable pain."

Chakotay felt his stomach wrench from within at the mere thought. "I would never intentionally hurt Kathryn. I would never do anything…"

"It's not what you're doing." She interrupted. "It's what you're NOT doing."

Suddenly, the fog lifted from Chakotay's mind. "You're talking about my relationship with Seven."

"Of course I am."

"But you said I'm hurting her right now. Kathryn doesn't even know about Seven and I yet." He argued.

A guilty expression washed across the Admiral's face. "Don't be so sure about that."

Chakotay's mouth dropped open momentarily. "You told her." It was a realization, not a question.

"Well, YOU certainly weren't going to tell her." She shot back defensively.

"I was waiting for the right time." He warbled. One No Nonsense look from the Admiral inspired Chakotay to be a little more forthcoming. "I … I just don't know how to tell her."

"Yes. So in my timeline, you never did. I found out through the rumor mill. Can you imagine? You distanced yourself from me, letting your feelings of guilt and pity dictate your decisions." She stopped pacing and stood in front of him, one hand on her hip and the other gesturing in front of her as she spoke. "You have no reason to feel guilty, Chakotay. I know I pushed you away. And I think I knew, even then, that our time had passed."

Chakotay winced, as if hearing Kathryn Janeway from any timeline say those words aloud caused him actual physical pain.

She laid a hand on his shoulder and continued. "You don't owe her your undying love and devotion from afar. But you do owe her the respect that was borne of years of give and take. Years of friendship and quiet affection. She's not going to fall apart without your love, Chakotay. But she needs this friendship. You're underestimating her if you think that she can't handle the truth about you and Seven. She's a strong woman, and she'll recover. But you have to at least have the decency to be honest with her."

Chakotay looked stricken. His dark eyes fell to the table as he studied his tea contemplatively. "I hadn't thought of it that way."

"Well it's time you do." Admiral Janeway continued. "There just isn't time to go into the details, but suffice it to say that in my timeline, you and Seven become much more than what you are now."

"And you and me?" he asked softly, fear evident in his voice. "What becomes of us, Kathryn?"

"Oh, we'll always be friends, Chakotay." She said. "But it'll never be the same." She rubbed her slender hand across her forehead, as if trying to stave off one of her infamous headaches. Then she pulled up a chair and sat beside him, rotating her body to face him directly.

"We never talked about what existed between us all those years on Voyager." She said sadly. "We never admitted how we felt, never said the words out loud to give their existence validation or acknowledgement. And we never said goodbye to the parts of ourselves that longed for the life we almost had on New Earth. At least … I know I never did."

Chakotay's eyes clouded at her mention of the small planet they'd shared. "I never knew." He whispered. "All this time I never knew that you still think of those days on New Earth when we were the whole world - the two of us." His brown eyes searched hers. "Why didn't you ever tell me? It would've meant so much."

She shook her head. "I couldn't. I was too busy trying to be the quintessential captain to even admit to myself how I was feeling." She reached over and took his hand, cupping it between hers. "But I'm telling you now. I'm telling you because it's too late to tell my Chakotay. And I'm telling you so that you can prevent it all from happening again."

"I don't understand…"

"Look at me." She whispered, her voice thick and hoarse with emotion. "Take a good, hard look at me, Chakotay."

"I am." He said softly, reaching out a hand to tenderly stroke her slightly wrinkled cheek. "You're still the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. You're still Kathryn."

"No, I'm not." she said with a tearful half smile. "The Kathryn you fell in love with died on this ship. I'm what was left. There was no resolution for us, no closure. And try as I might, I never really moved on. I am an old and cynical woman, Chakotay. I'm well into my seventies and still unbelievably alone. While I wished you all the happiness in the world with Seven and knew you had gone on with your life, I never quite closed the door on us. I never let you go. And because of that, my heart was never free to love anyone else. Even when someone was deserving of it."

Chakotay was too stunned to speak. He had no idea that Kathryn's feelings for him still ran so deeply. She'd become so good at hiding her feelings, that he'd actually started to believe she didn't have them anymore.

The Admiral's voice crackled with emotion as she spoke. "Go to her, Chakotay. Go to her tonight. Tell her what she meant to you, celebrate all that you have brought to each other's lives. And then tell her you've moved on. Let her face it head on, because that's her way. Give her the chance to grieve the love you two almost shared, a love that I sacrificed for this uniform. Let her say goodbye."

A tear slid silently down the commander's cheek. "I don't know if I can."

"You must." She said emphatically. "Do it to preserve a magnificent friendship." She took him firmly by the shoulders. "Do it for her, Chakotay. Do it so that I never exist. It's been a cold and lonely life for me, my Angry Warrior. And the memories of all I've lost flood my dreams and haunt me in my waking moments. I wasn't among the dead, but I was still lost to the living. We blew it, Chakotay. We had a chance at something that only comes around once in a lifetime, and we blew it. It just wasn't meant to be here in this time, on this ship. And I've lived my life in solitude refusing to admit it. I loved you then, as I love you now. But you were never mine, not completely. Then you fell in love with Seven, bringing her the only peace she'd ever known. And me? I think we both know that my first allegiance was to this crew, and my heart belonged to the stars. I never returned from this quadrant, not in my mind anyway. We never admitted our love, but we never put it to rest either. And that lessened it somehow. Lessened me greatly. Your time to love her has passed. Let her go. Let me go … please."

She cupped his handsome face in her hands, the very face that had haunted her dreams since the day he died on Earth - also old and alone. As the tears streamed down her cheeks, the images of what could've been flashing through her tired mind, she pressed a soft kiss on his lips.

And then she was gone.

*~*~*~*

Captain Kathryn Janeway paced in her quarters, unable to settle her mind or come to terms with the events that were unfolding around her.

She didn't know what to make of her future self, old and so obviously still alone. Still Starfleet's Golden Girl, the woman who never stopped serving the Federation long enough to make a life for herself.

Of all the possible futures she could envision for herself - the one she saw staring her in the face that day had to be the saddest. Pathetic really. Going into the autumn of her life alone, with only her memories to keep her warm at night, was never something she wanted for herself. In fact, she feared it terribly.

And Tuvok? Insane and babbling incoherently in some Federation behavioral institution somewhere. Seven dying just as she discovers the one aspect of humanity that has so eluded her the past three years - love. Chakotay pining away for a dead wife that he would never see again. 22 more crew deaths? 22 more times she would have to apologize to someone for the loss of their loved one under her command. And 22 more times she would have to see the looks of stunned grief on the faces of her crew. All of these things were simply unacceptable.

In that instant, she made her decision. To hell with the Temporal Prime Directive! She was taking her people home - all of them. She'd given her life to Starfleet and the Federation. It was time for them to give something back. She'd deal with the consequences as they came.

She strode to the replicator, partially revived by her new determination, and ordered a bottle of wine. While Kathryn Janeway rarely drank, she knew she might welcome a little liquid courage to get through this night.

To her own surprise, she had downed over half the bottle in a matter of minutes. She stood before the viewport staring out at her beloved stars, and letting the warm, fuzzy glow of early intoxication enfold her like a heated blanket.

She reached a hand up to knead the tense muscles in her neck and was strongly considering soaking in a scorching-hot bath when her door chime sounded. She didn't even turn from the viewport, assuming that it was either Harry or Seven coming, for the hundredth time, to show her some detail from their wormhole analysis. She sighed and called, "Come in."

Chakotay entered the room, his heart in his throat after his talk with the Admiral, and his eyes fell immediately to her, taking in the sight of her diminutive form silhouetted by the starlight. He'd always loved the shape of Kathryn's body, the straight back and slender waist, legs always slightly apart and shoulders back, belying the formidable spirit housed in such a petite body. The stars paled in comparison.

When she didn't even bother to turn around to face him, he finally spoke. "Kathryn."

Janeway whirled at the sound of his voice, her own pulse pounding in her ears. She hadn't even begun to process his relationship with Seven, to make any sense of it, and she had no idea how to react to him.

At the mere sight of him, her motor skills betrayed her. She fumbled with the goblet and wine bottle in her hands, unable to regain control before the glass of purple-red liquid crashed to the deck and wine splattered all over the gray carpet.

"Damn." She muttered.

Chakotay watched with amusement as Kathryn's normally present grace seemed to fail her and she struggled just to pick up the glass. She'd obviously been nipping at the nectar this evening.

She caught the twinkle in his eye and turned a half-hearted version of The Death Glare on him. "What's so funny, Commander?"

"Actually…" he grinned. "You are."

She offered him a wry grin. "I see. I never knew you found the crashing of dishes so amusing. Next time I'll plan ahead. We can break an entire set."

"Sounds good." He returned. "I'll bring the fine china and we'll make a night of it."

They shared a small chuckle, and then an awkward silence began to grow between them.

Janeway's gaze softened as she stared at him. Her command partner, her best friend, almost her lover. But she had never allowed them to explore that option, and now he was in the arms of another. She'd lost him. And to her own protégé, none the less.

"What can I do for you, Chakotay?" Her voice cracked a bit as she finally spoke, despite her attempts to control it.

"I was hoping we could just sit and talk for a while." He said. His demeanor was calm and relaxed, but Janeway sensed the turbulence beneath the surface. For this she would definitely need more wine.

She replicated two more goblets and poured them each a glass. She gestured to the sofa and handed Chakotay his beverage. "Of course we can. Won't you have a seat?"

As the tall man eased himself onto the couch, Janeway watched him carefully. He was tugging at his ear with considerable force and frequency - something he did when he was nervous.

"What's on your mind?" she asked, trying to break the ice.

He glanced at her as if trying to gauge her mood.. "Oh, you … me … the ship … Earth…" he stalled. "There's a lot to think about right now."

Kathryn had a pretty good idea where this conversation was headed. His nervousness was a good indication as to what he wanted to talk about. She decided to put him out of his misery and just cut to the chase. "Do you want to talk to me about Seven, Chakotay?"

Chakotay looked more than a little stunned, but to his credit he recovered quickly. "Partly." He said. "But I also want to talk about you and me. About us."

The whole thing seemed more than a little daunting to Kathryn. They had danced around it for so many years that the idea of openly discussing it seemed hard to grasp. She was unsure of what to say. "I'm listening." was what finally came out of her mouth.

"I've just shared some tea and some conversation with your counterpart from the future." He began nervously.

She didn't like the sounds of that. The Admiral was brusque to say the least. "Why does that make me more than a little uneasy?"

Chakotay chuckled quietly. "Because she's you."

Kathryn raised an eyebrow. "Oh, I don't know about that. She's very different from me, in my opinion."

"Maybe." He nodded thoughtfully. "But she made me realize some things. For that, I owe her a debt."

"I see." Kathryn said. "And I suppose you're going to share these realizations with me now?"

"I think we both know that there are some things that need to be said between us, Kathryn. Some of which are long overdue."

Janeway's eyes immediately dropped to the floor, but she nodded in understanding.

Chakotay rubbed his palms against his thighs, trying to ease his nervousness. "I know the Admiral told you that I've been seeing Seven of Nine."

She met his eyes briefly. "Yes. That's one of the things she told me."

"And?" he prodded.

"And what?" she said evenly.

"How do you feel about it?"

Kathryn shrugged. "You're both single adults. You are a wonderful man, and you know how I feel about Seven. As your captain, it's none of my business if you two choose to pursue a relationship. But as your friend, I wish you well, Chakotay. If you're looking for my blessing or consent, you have it."

"Thanks." He said. "But I'm didn't come here for your approval."

"Then why did you come here, hmm? What exactly would you like me to say?"

"Oh, I don't know." He retorted, suddenly angry. "Maybe I wanted you to be honest with me. Perhaps I was hoping you'd admit that, on some level at least, this bothers you. Maybe even hurts you."

"That's rather presumptuous of you." She said icily.

"Is it?" he said with equal detachment. "Because I don't think so. I think you're feeling this, Kathryn. I think my moving on with my life hurts you."

She whirled on him, pinning him with a penetrating glare. "Hurts me?" she shouted, tears glistening in her eyes. "You want me to admit that your relationship with Seven causes me pain? You want me to stand here and tell you that I love you, Chakotay? Hmm? That the thought of you with her makes me stomach clench and my throat constrict? And that seeing you be happy with her will just be a reminder of one more thing I've had to sacrifice on this damned journey." She ignored the tear that trickled down her cheek. "Fine. I'll do it. I am hurting, Chakotay. I'm hurting that you don't need me any more. I'm hurting that you've fallen for someone I've thought of as a daughter. And I'm hurt as hell that you pitied me too much to tell me about it from the beginning. Congratulations, Commander. You've finally managed to hurt me as bad as I've hurt you. And you're seeing it in living color. But take a good look - because you won't see it again."

She walked toward her bedroom, her back to him. "You got what you came here for. Please leave."

Chakotay closed the distance between them and grabbed her by the arm. "I'm not going anywhere. Not yet. I won't leave it like this!" He turned her around to face him and took her by the shoulders. "This isn't what I wanted Kathryn. Spirits, I would never intentionally hurt you! Never."

Kathryn turned to glare at him, but when she looked into those familiar brown eyes, the very eyes that had comforted her for the past seven years, all her anger suddenly evaporated and only the pain remained. Pain for all she'd lost, for the love she had - out of necessity - denied herself until it was too late, and for all the things that could've been between them.

Without a rational thought in her head, she fell into Chakotay's waiting arms and sobbed openly for the first time in over seven years.

"It's okay, Kathryn." He soothed, stroking her hair and holding her against his chest. "It's okay to cry." He held her to him, the woman he had loved from afar for seven years, and wept with her for a love that would never reach its potential.

"We almost had it all." He whispered to her. "I thought I could wait for you forever. But I couldn't. The distance was too great, the divide too wide. And as the years went on, you retreated farther and farther into yourself. I don't know when it happened, when my heart changed course. I promised to always be by your side. Can you ever forgive me?"

Kathryn wiped a tear from her cheek and looked up at him. "You're not the one who should be asking for forgiveness." She whispered. "I pushed you away, over and over again. My own feelings scared the hell out of me. I knew I couldn't love you and command this ship across the Delta Quadrant at the same time. Both of those things would demand and deserve my full attention. I would never have been able to give our relationship the time and attention it deserved while trying to get my crew home." She touched his face softly, and her voice wavered as she spoke. "You were in love with a married woman, Chakotay. From the moment I destroyed the Caretaker's array and stranded us here, I have been married to this crew and this ship. My first fidelity had to be to them. And you paid the price. We paid the price. I'm sorry."

Kathryn dropped her hand to his chest, a familiar gesture that touched both of them deeply. "For what it's worth, I did love you." She said. She offered him a tearful half smile, cocking her head to the side slightly. "I still do. I suppose I always will."

Chakotay sighed heavily in an effort to control his rapid breathing. He'd imagined hearing Kathryn admit her love for him so many times in the past, but the reality of it was almost crushing. She'd loved him all along, and now that it was too late - she was standing before him saying it aloud. The irony of it made his throat constrict.

"I love you, too, Kathryn." He chocked. "I always have, since the first day I saw you standing on the bridge and glaring at me. I understand why you made the choices you did. But I want you to know one thing." He cupped her tear-streaked face in his hands as stared intently into her eyes. "Letting you go is the hardest thing I've ever had to do."

"Oh, Chakotay…" she sobbed. "I don't know how to let you go. I know I have to, for both our sakes. But I don't know how to say goodbye to a love that I never even got to experience. I've never known the sensation of your touch, how it feels to lie beside you…"

Chakotay's eyes clouded with long suppressed desire and affection. And while he knew he shouldn't be thinking such thoughts, he found himself wanting nothing more than to spend just one night with Kathryn. To hold her and touch her, make love to her for just this one moment out of time, and then take those memories with him for the rest of his days. He realized that the thought of living out his life never knowing the taste of her, the tenderness of her, was unbearable.

He brought his head down to hers, his full lips hovering only a centimeter above hers. "Then let me show you. Let me touch you, Kathryn."

"We can't." she whispered, but she didn't pull away. Her blue eyes burned through him as she felt his breath on her face.

"Yes, we can. For just this one night, this one time." He kissed her gently on the mouth, an offering of what was to come if she would only concede. "Let me love you like I've always wanted to. After seven years of longing to hold you and feel you next to me, give me this one moment. Please, Kathryn. Do this for us. Give us this one memory to hold on to."

Kathryn's mind screamed out to her that she knew better, that this was a mistake. She shouldn't be close to him like this now that he was with Seven. But her heart had other intentions. Seven years of longing for this man would not be denied. Her loins were also making their opinion known as he pressed his body up against her. Before she could summon the strength to refuse him, her soul was awash with the heady sensation of arousal and pent up affection. Maybe it was the wine. Or maybe too much time and too many losses had finally worn her down. Either way, she didn't care. She wanted Chakotay right then, and that was all she knew for certain.

She couldn't find the words to respond. Instead, she answered him by snaking her arm around his neck and pulling him into a hungry, sultry kiss. He moaned into her mouth and tangled his hands in her short hair, as if holding her to him for all he was worth.

He slid one hand under her knees and scooped her up in his arms, carrying her to the bedroom. And as the tears ran down both their cheeks, Chakotay began to touch her in the ways he'd only dreamed of. He undressed her slowly, worshipfully. He kissed every millimeter of newly exposed flesh, taking in every nuance, every detail of her.

Kathryn helped him out of his clothing, taking time to revel in the sculpted muscles as they moved under his bronze skin. She slid her hands slowly across his body, committing the images to memory, and crying because she's waited so long, and because she knew she'd never see it again.

They took it slowly, languidly exploring each other with hands, mouths, and tongues. Every touch, every whimper, was more powerful than either of them had ever imagined as seven years of pain and longing culminated into one intense night of lovemaking.

When Chakotay finally positioned himself over her, they were both weeping openly. He paused to look into her tearful eyes. "I wouldn't change it, Kathryn. I want you to know that. It was worth it, worth every ounce of pain, just to be in your life. I'll never be sorry for loving you. And I hope you always remember that in this life - you were precious to me. I'll carry you always in my heart." And then in one smooth motion, he entered her.

Kathryn sobbed aloud as she felt him inside her. "I'll never be sorry for this night, Chakotay. I love you, I always have." And as she moved beneath him, her hands in his hair and her lips on his, the rest of the universe stopped. She didn't think about Seven, or the futuristic version of herself. There were no thoughts of wormholes or the Temporal Prime Directive. There was only Chakotay, and the knowledge that no matter what happened, she would be all right. This dance had finally reached the final curtain call, and the healing could begin.

Go to Part 2