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Title: Kathryn Janeway's Personal Log
Category: VOY J/C
Rating: PG
Author: LadyChakotay
Disclaimer: Paramount owns everything, even the Borg. I just love them more than they do.
Summary: Captain Janeway records her last personal log entry before taking the Delta Flyer and boarding the borg cube in Unimatrix Zero.
Kathryn Janeway's Personal Log, Stardate XXXX.X
Tomorrow it begins. We've planned it out perfectly, carefully. But I'm still very unsettled about it. Even afraid, though I won't admit that to anyone. Tomorrow, I will board a borg cube, along with B'Elanna and Tuvok, and we will be assimilated.
I have no choice, really. It's the right thing to do. I must help the people in Unimatrix Zero before they are destroyed one by one. But more importantly, I have to make the most of this opportunity that exists right now. This is a weakness among the borg, a chance to attack them from within. We will be the blade that stabs into the heart, twisting until the wound won't close. Then we will watch as the collective bleeds to death. If my plan works, it will be their undoing.
I find myself wondering what my father would think of this mission. I think he would understand the sacrifice I'm about to make as few others would. He suffered many losses during the cardassian war doing what he knew was the right thing. I can hear his voice in my head. "You must defend those who cannot defend themselves, my Goldenbird." I can do it, daddy. I can make you proud of me, even now.
In the beginning, I had every intention on carrying this out myself. It was my idea; the risk should be mine alone. I've always known that Tuvok and B'Elanna are brave and loyal people, so I can't say that their proposal to assist me came as a surprise. However, it touched me in ways I never expected. To think that I, as their Captain, could have inspired such allegiance from them is, well… it's beyond description. They are very dear to me, irreplaceable. Both of them. It's my job to protect them. And tomorrow I will lead them straight into hell. But Chakotay is insistent that they accompany me…
Ah, Chakotay, he is my first officer, my friend. But in my heart he is so much more than that. That's the crux of it. The thing I find the most unnerving on this, the eve of my loss of individuality, is that my thoughts consistently drift back to him - Chakotay. Not the fears of dying, or the painful process of assimilation, not fear that my plan will fail. Just the undeniable horror that I may not return - to him. It is possible that I'll never see those damn dimples that make me weak in the knees, or feel his gentle, reassuring hand on my shoulder ever again.
I stare at the bulkhead that separates our quarters, and I wonder - what is he doing at this very moment? What thoughts are going through his mind tonight? Somehow, I know he isn't sleeping either. Perhaps I should go to him, and tell him the truth. Tell him that… that I love him. I love him so deeply; it's difficult to breathe. Would he take me in his arms and tell me he feels the same way? Maybe I would feel safe, just for a little while, snuggled against his chest and breathing in the scent of him. Should I confess my feelings incase I never return from this mission?
No! This is going to work. I have to make this work! I will see him again.
Damn! Computer… delete log entry.
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