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EPISODE I
Far from the hustle and bustle of Toadettes, a more sinister part of Zine land lies. The dark and imposing haunts of once legendary ziners jut out threateningly from the landscape, and moans and groans of dying reputations can be heard (if you strain your ears enough, which might possibly do you some damage, but hey.) Eau Rouge and Plughole Fantasy play Tiddlywinks at a rickity table, Postman Jon and Jacobean Skate Punk from the Devil's Toilet play chess while dribbling manky cheese from their aging mouths, and a now almost unregonisable Self Obsession Honey shakes a gnarled fist at the television. He is angered at the young 'uns on Zine, and WLW's apparent indifference to the crap and boring letters most of them send it.
A knock at the door.
EAU ROUGE: Y-yeesss??? Damn, why can't we have one of those magical self opening doors? WLW gave them to the new ziners, all we got was a stairlift.
(Knocking continues)
PLUGHOLE FANTASY: Oh, for fu- right, we're coming!!!
(Ambles over to the door)
Yes? What is it? You're disturbing our Tiddlywinks game!!!
Five highly imposing figures are assembled at the door. CAGED LIBERTY has the expression of a weasel with a stick up its arse, DR GALDERHAT has one eyebrow sadistically raised, SAVAGE CABBAGE is grinning like a, well, maniac and the evil twins MISUNDERSTOOD FLAPDOODLE and THE PERPLEXED CROW beat the big baseball bat in their hands against the door frame with a certain glee. All in all, it does not look very promising. These are the ziners known throughout the land as THE EVIL BASTARDS. Name says it all really.
SELF OBSESSION HONEY: (from his box in the corner) Is that....children...????
PLUGHOLE: They're not children, they're monsters!
Anyway, excuse that interuption, the girl writing this is mad. You lot, what do you want??? CAGED LIBERTY: (with a sinister smile) Ah, Plughole, finally, we meet! Allow myself to introduce...myself. i am Caged Liberty, ziner extrodanaire. These are my associates, Dr Galderhat, the mad doctor, Savage Cabbage, the transvestite piece of greenery and our evil twins, who have odd names also. PLUGHOLE: Yes, yes, get the point, he's kicking my ass in tiddlywinks over there. What do you want? DR GALDERHAT: I want to dance around in fishnets and call myself Lucy. Doesn't mean I'm weird! Doesn't mean I'm less of a man! Doesn't mean I forced him to! I didn't! I didn't force him! (silence) CAGED LIBERTY: Excuse him, he's...well, him. Meanwhile, we shall express our darker purpose....would you care to take a seat, please? PLUGHOLE FANTASY: I should bloody well hope so, it's my house. (Jacobean Skate Punk is terribly excited.) JSP: Do we have...visitors? Do people WANT to see us? Do they? Really? Us? PLUGHOLE: Yes, Jacobean, yes. Now, you go have a lie down, there's a good boy. (Jacobean Skate Punk stumbles upstairs, guided by Self Obsession Honey and Eau Rouge, dribbling and mumbling incohertantly) SAVAGE CABBAGE: Yes, well, shall we get started? This will only take a minute. PLUGHOLE: Yesss?? I'm not liking the sound of this already. Dark Grey Wolf told me he saw you and Dr Galderhat running around in fishnets telling people they were gonna die. Or is that a rumour? SAVAGE: (looks at Galderhat, who is busy trying to steal cheese from the cat Herman) Um, yes, rumours. Galderhat wasn't there that day. Anyway, to business. See, we, the Evil Bastards, all agree that the zine is getting a little, well, crap. And we need your old wit and charm to liven things up again. You know, all four of you. PLUGHOLE: You mean....you want us back? SAVAGE: Yes... CAGED: Oh, well, some of you, anyway. PLUGHOLE: Some of us? You mean you don't want Eau Rouge? Cos you know, I never found him funny either. DR GALDERHAT: (from the litter tray) Hee hee, tits. Pubes. Bra. Hee hee hee heee....... CAGED: Well...we do want him. Some of him. Dr, come here a minute. Galderhat picks himself out of the litter tray and obediently comes to Caged Liberty, as any man does, unless he wants a slap. Though whether Galderhat is a man is debatable. CAGED: The good doctor will explain. He's good at that. GALDERHAT: Am I? Oooh...Anyway, Plughole, basically, we want to cut you up. Slowly. Into little pieces. For the craic, like. CAGED: Well, there is actually a purpose, Galder. GALDERHAT: Is there? Oh. What's that then? CAGED: To make one big UBER ZINER!!!!!! Ha hahahahaha!!!!!!!!!! Thunder breaks outside, and lightening flashes, giving Caged's face a scary orangy glow. Yes, she is evil. PLUGHOLE: Oh. Right so. And an uber ziner is? SAVAGE: One brilliant ziner, with all the good bits of the old ones in it, to make the Zine world a better place again, a place where we can laugh, where we can cry, where mushrooms don't exists and there are no more top 5 lists! GALDERHAT: God, I hate those. PLUGHOLE: So you wanna cut me up? To make part of the Uber Ziner? And who else are you planning on mutilating here then? Eh? CAGED: Oh, we have a list. After you four, we're going to get Fluffy and the Frolicking Sheep, Parsley Possum and Jezza, and Satan's Rubber Duck, just to keep him away from me. Then I can sleep again without him singing outside my fecking window. Bloody annoying. SAVAGE: So, erm, Plughole, sorry to do this to you, but say your last goodbyes. (The Evil Twins advance with a big knife and Dr Galderhat takes out his big hook like instrument, with a grin...) PLUGHOLE: ARRRRRRRRGHHHHH!!!!! No! I'm too beautiful to die!!!! CAGED: Oh, wait, weren't we supposed to test this on someone first? GALDERHAT: No! Cut! Kill! Kill! KILLLLLL!!!!! (The Dark Grey Wolf Of Norbex suddenly and convieniently enters, listens to some Christian Death Metal and chewing coffee beans) CAGED: Great! Just the person I wanted to see!!! DARK GREY BIG LONG NAME: Whaa...whaatt? Who are you? CAGED: A friend. Oh yes. Now, can we have a chat, you big hunk of man.? DARK GREY BLAH BLAH: Um, yeaaaahhhhh. Man. Wow. Hey. Listen to my music, man. God is love. GALDERHAT: Ha ha! What a twoz! (receives a slap from the writer) Yarg! Feck off, hobbit! SAVAGE: Dark Grey Thingy Ma Bob sounds exactly like Jake from Tweenies. Amazing, that. (MISUNDERSTOOD FLAPDOODLE and THE PERPLEXED CROW grab Wolfie from behind, putting a sack over his head. All that can be heard from him is, "Bella! Fizz! Help me!" and they drag him out of the house, skipping happily) CAGED: Count your lucky stars, Plughole. We'll be back, and you'd better be ready. (SAVAGE CABBAGE and DR GALDERHAT grin and check their lipstick in the mirror. Galderhat licks his Rouge Pulps lips and laughs. And laughs. And laughs. And laughs. And lau-) CAGED: Stoppit! Now, Plughole, we're gone now, but next time we come, I hoped you've notified your next of kin. Hee hee hee hee hee hee!!!!!!!!! ALL THE EVIL BASTARDS: Ha hahahaha aha HAHA HAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!! Ahem. (Exit the Evil Bastards) (JACOBEAN SKATE PUNK and SELF OBSESSION HONEY come downstairs.) JSP: What was that all about? PLUGHOLE: (rubbing his chin in that troubled way you do) All I can tell you is this- We're fucked.
To be continued...
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