When we last left our heroes, The Evil Bastards, they had just told the ancient 'Ziners their wicked and frankly not very well thought out plan to cut up 'Ziners to make one big Uber 'Ziner. The ancient 'Ziners, in a mad flurry of panic, shat themselves. Now, a whole day later, it is a peaceful and warm day in 'Zineland, and the 'Ziners are happily supping badly made coffee in Toadettes. FLUFFY THE EVIL ONE and BROCCOLI stare lovingly into each others eyes, MILTON AND ME is beating the living shite out of HAIREY JEZZA for being a useless hippy bastard, QUEEN OF THE TROUBLED TEENS, SKUTTER BOB and LILAC LEOPARD argue over last night's three some, KILTED ENGLISHMAN dances in front of the window, and EGG SHAPED IAN sits in the corner looking alluring and mysterious. The fact that he is hunched over and bleeding internally has not yet been noticed by the other 'Ziners. The thick cunts.

(enter SAVAGE CABBAGE being carried by LITTLE MISS CLARA. No particular reason, he just likes that kinda thing.)

LMC: You bloody BASTARD! Yeah, you heard me right the first time, buster! BLOODY!!! You didn't tell me I was going to be carrying you from fecking Cardiff!

SC: Um, yeah. Sorry about that, just that Dr Galderhat really done my arse in last night. I thought he'd take that gift wrapped KY Jelly I left by his pillow as a bit of a hint.

LMC: Ahhh. I see. Been in that position before. Ian!!! IAN!

(EGG SHAPED IAN slumps to the floor. He makes a sort of "thud" noise. Or more like a "thunk". But the fact that his internal organs have just popped out of his throat is a pretty reliable sign that he's buggered.)

LMC: Ian! Oh, woe! My one true love! (sobs loudly) Oh, woe! My love! Never again will I see your beautiful brown eyes! Your pouting lips! Your messy hair and manky army shirt! Oh woe! WOE!!!

(SC slips a hand up LMC'S leg)

LMC: Oh well. Tough shit. Where's me coffee, me old mucker?

SC: Ahhaaaaha! You will notice that a cup of steaming...well, lukewarm...well, cold coffee has just appeared convientently by your right hand! (Someone's ripping off Bottom Live, aren't they Seaneen?)

LMC: Ahhaaaaha! So it has! Huzzah! Hey, Kilted, you haven't seen the Snorkmistress today, have you? Just that she has a pair of me galoshes I need back.

KILTED: Aye, nooo, nay, I wouldnae know, guv'nor! Last I saws her she had fecked off with Dissimulation to the Clinic. Be back any minute though. Care for a wee toot on me bagpipes while you wait?

LMC: Hmm, that's a hard one. Nah, you're alright. Keep your big shiny pipe to suck on yourself, love. Anyway, I've practically got lockjaw from giving Galderhat all those blowjobs...

SC: What?!

LMC: Ermm....nowt. Lockjaw, rats, you know how it is. Anyway, Kilted, where you off to now?

KILTED: I'm off to convieniently disappear just before trouble strikes! Aha! I'll tell Snorkmistress that you were asking for her. Anyway, tatty byes, me old skip mc mugger! (buggers off)

SC: Um, did any of that Ian stuff have any relevance to the plot, then?

LMC: Plot? We have a plot this episode? (Is it an original gag? Why no, more Bottom plagerising!)

SC: I believe so. Apparently they're useful in these modern comedy things.

LMC: Really? Kilted Englishman didn't seem to think so.

SC: (muses over this) True as that is, let's not sink to bitchiness, eh? Anyway, back to the point, vague as it is...have I told you about our evil plan yet?

LMC: No, sir, I don't believe you have yet. Care to divulge?

SC: Wellll....myself and the other evil bastards, and for those who don't remember the last episode, that is me, Caged Liberty, Galderhat and the evil Denton-esque twins, Misunderstood Flapdoodle and the Perplexed Crow, have formulated a plan to...(dramatic pause)

LMC: Well???

SC: To, erm...what was it again?

LMC: To cut up the ziners to make one uber ziner so that the 'Zine is semi-interesting again?

SC: How did you know?

LMC: (lets her hands slip off the keyboard a second) Um, intutition?

SC: Aha!!! And, my dearest little Hobbit...

(LMC kicks GALDERHAT from a distance)

GALDERHAT: (somewhere in Dublin) Ow! Bitch!

SC: Yes, anyway...my dearest little...erm, thing, on account of your psychoness and hatred of the new zine, I would like to ask you if you wanted to be part of the evil plan!

LMC: Yarg! No! I couldn't! I would never contaminate my hands with the blood of newbies! That's how AIDS spread in Africa, you know!

SC: Really? Well....

(Suddenly, a commotion breaks out at the door of Toadettes. THE EVIL BASTARDS enter, replete with threatening chains, ropes and knives. CAGED LIBERTY grabs SAVAGE CABBAGE by the throat, and in one swift movement, cuts of his head. She then grabs LMC and laughs evilly.)

CL: Aha! I've got you now! Evil Bastards, attack! Get them all!

(she fails to notice GALDERHAT fiddling with SAVAGE CABBAGE's kecks. Silly cow. The Evil Bastards run round the room, putting bags over the heads of the Ziners. MILTON AND ME and HAIREY JEZZA manage to escape out the window, falling to their deaths. BROCCOLI screams and faints, making the job a lot easier for them. FLUFFY completely forgets that being 6ft 7" is very useful in facing an armed 15 year old girl, and he also faints. The big pansy. The carcass of the deceased EGG SHAPED IAN is devoured by the evil twins. CAGED LIBERTY takes out her rope to tie up LMC.)

GALDERHAT:(stuffing something into his pocket) Er, I'll take care of that, if you don't mind.

CL: Really? How very kind.

GALDERHAT: Come on Seaneen... I mean, Little Miss Clara. I'm going to torture you well, my love, oh yes... (Takes out rope) I've been waiting my whole life to do this.....

THE NEXT SCENE: A MURKY BASEMENT SOMEWHERE IN ZINELAND:

QUEEN OF THE TROUBLED TEENS: Shit.

BROCCOLI: Couldn't have said it better myself, dearie. Where are we? And why does my head hurt so much?

SKUTTER BOB: Maybe it was that big club that bitch Caged Liberty hit you with. Fecking newbies. Gawd, they'll be the death of us.

LILAC LEOPARD: Aww, leave them alone you sod! Um, Skutter, is that your hand on my arse? It feels slightly hairy...

FLUFFY THE EVIL ONE: Um, yeah, Skutter has...hairy hands. Not fluffy ones or anything.

BROC: You are so fecking lucky we're tied up here, Fluffy, or else I would have kicked your nadgers so hard that you eyeballs have pubes.

F.T.E.O: Yep, my bollocks have just retracted. They're somewhere in my intestines at the moment.

Q.O.T.T.T: Wait...your bollocks aside...where's Little Miss Clara?

(The door swings open. GALDERHAT appears, leaning against the door.. His usual dress and fishnets are gone, as are all traces of make up. He has his hair slicked back and is smoking a fat cigar, not unlike the recently deceased SC's knob. His sunglasses catch the candlelight with which the basement is lit. He is wearing a suit and a smug smile. Tied up and gagged with him is LITTLE MISS CLARA looking stunned. Her hair is a mess and her make-up has run badly. Her dress is half way up her thighs. The whites of her eyes take up about a third of her face.)

(EVERYONE PISSES THEMSELVES LAUGHING)

Q.O.T.T.T: Dr Galderhat! What have you done with Clara?? And why are you dressed like that, you gobshite?

GALDERHAT: (in an Italian accent) I am no longer Dr Galderhat. From now on I wish to be... Don Galderhat. Capice, bambino?

Q.O.T.T.T: You almighty wanker! Is this all cos you finally lost your virginity? Well, to a girl at least? And why are you smoking Savage Cabbage's knob?

GALDERHAT: (accidently slips into his usual Irish accent) It's a comfort thing. And shut the fuck up! No one asked you anyway! Ahem... (back into Italian accent that repeatedly slips into his natural one) I've come to let you all know that in about 10 minutes you're all getting disembowelled. Cheerio! (throws LMC onto a chair and takes her gag off) Say your goodbyes, dear....and oh....(kisses her cheek gently) Bloody good shag, by the way!

(GALDERHAT minces off, remembers what he's doing, and starts to strut. He has his hands in his pocket. Dubious.)

LMC: Well, that's just F-ing marvellous, isn't it?

BROC: You shagged Galderhat?

LMC: That's neither here nor there!

BROC: You shagged Galderhat?!?!

LMC: Look here....

(LMC is interupted by a girlie scream from SKUTTER BOB. His face is white, as he points to something on the floor in a heap.)

L.L: OH MY GOD!!! It's...it's...THE DARK GREY WOLF OF NORBEX!!!

(The DARK GREY WOLF OF NORBEX is on the floor, covered in blood. He is holding a crucifix, and his eyes are wide open and glassy. LMC bursts into tears.)

LMC: Oh, Wolfie, my beloved! I could have saved you! I could have been a better friend! I could have left you out of the first episode!

BROC: There, there, my love. He's in a better place now. Look at him, doesn't he look happier now?

(LMC takes a look at WOLFIE. She bursts into tears again.)

BROC: Aww, let's have a moment of silence for dear old Wolfie. Even though I hated the cunt.

(There is a moment of silence. Everyone has a wee look round them)

Q.O.T.T.T: Right,so, fuck that then. So, Clara, any ideas how we get out of this little situation? I mean, you are writing the fucking thing!

LMC: Um, no, cos from here Galderhat takes over writing duties. Let's have a little intermission while we wait. Off we go to have a cup of tea!

INTERMISSION - off you go, have a wank!

Here begins the written reign of Galder Weatherwax's Hat, thanks be to the Gods.

THE NEXT SCENE - A STREET IN TOWN

(Some time has passed. Rain drizzles from the heavens and splashes upon the dull suburban backdrop as a long aerial shot displays GALDER WEATHERWAX'S HAT running down an otherwise deserted street. He is in a foul mood and mutters various one and two syllabled words of his own devise as his head darts this way and that, looking in ever direction. Reflecting yet another quick and radical change in his mood, his mob boss garb is gone and in its stead is a nice waistcoat and tweed jacket. Hey, I'm writing this, I can wear whatever the hell I want. There is a look of grim determination [and a black eye] on his face and he carries in front of him a long-shafted halberd with a nasty looking big sharp head. If you don't know what a halberd is, go play some D&D you ignorant little shit. As his mincing brings him to a corner his lack of paying attention to where he's going causes him to bump into JAY OLE and SILENT ROBB PHD, who were rounding aforementioned corner and engaged in similar sprinty activities before the clash. The bulky figure of SILENT ROBB PHD was crouched while running, and hence propelled GALDERHAT over SILENT ROBB PHD's back, onto the ground, and onto his own back when he collided with ROBB's shoulder. The halberd is sent flying and lands several feet away. In a kitten. A small cute white one. With big ears, a ginger splodge over one eye, and a red ribbon tied in a bow around its neck. And it belonged to a lonely old lady.)

GALDERHAT: YAAAAAAAAAARG-FECKIT-BOLLOCKS-ME-SPINE!

(JAY OLE hovers nervously and shoots glances this way and that before proffering GALDERHAT his hand and helping him up.)

GALDERHAT: Thank you. (takes a drag of his Special Cigar)

JAY: Is that a dick, man?

GALDERHAT: (pulls something out of his teeth) No, it's a pube, I think. Anyway, what're you two up to?

JAY: (points to SILENT ROBB PHD) About 90 thanks to motherfucker here gettin' us in shit with the WLW Towers security fuckers.

GALDERHAT: Why? What've you been at?

JAY: I've had fuck all letters printed since WLW motherfucker decided my shit was beyond fuckin' censorship, so to get be back in the thick of the fuck shit-for-brains here decides it'd be a good idea to piss into Teletext central and out-fuck the system so that we decide the shit that goes on screen and get my piss back in the public eye, YEAH!

GALDERHAT: You? Beyond censorship? Never.

JAY: My mother-fuckin' sentiments exactly. Anyway, we fucked up the cameras and got to the heart of WLW Towers-

GALDERHAT: You did? How, exactly?

JAY: With a spork, some reversable sedgewicks, an elastic band and three plectrums.

(GALDERHAT looks sceptical. Well, you would be, wouldn't you? I mean, WLW Towers...)

JAY: (points to SILENT ROBB PHD again) Motherfucker's MacGyver, no, Motherfucker's better than MacGyver. Anyway, even MacGyver fucks up, and after some bad shit we're up to our tits in fuck and pissing our way outta there and away from a fuckload of guards. (pause) So, what're you doin'?

GALDERHAT: What am I doing...? (looks around absent-mindedly until his gaze settles on the halberd) Oooh, right, feckit. Excuse me lads, I'm in a bit of a hurry.

(GALDERHAT saunters over to the halberd and notices the once kitten mess around the blade)

GALDERHAT: Heh heh, cool.

JAY: (noticing the long sharp thing and GALDERHAT's black eye for the first time) Wow, what shit's goin' down with you, man?

GALDERHAT: A spot of 'Ziner hunting, sir. Had the buggers right where I wanted them until I found out the hard way that the Queen of the Troubled Teens has bloody sharp knees. (nurses a gash just above his eye) Serves me right for untying her, I suppose, but come on! How was I to know I'd interpreted the 'queen' part of her name wrong?!

JAY: Sounds like some serious time-wasting shit, man. We've got nothin' else planned today if you'd like some h-

GALDERHAT: Say no more, I think the Evil Bastards have found a replacement for Savage.

(SILENT ROBB PHD coughs)

GALDERHAT: Calm down, we can have six members. Or I could kill Misunderstood Flapdoodle, whatever's convenient. (raises the halberd above his head and starts running/a camp-as-you-like gait) Let us be off, gentlemen. I'll fill you in on the simple and badly thought-out scheme as we go!

JAY: Snoogins!

To be continued...