PREVIOUSLY ON X-MEN...

GAMBET was pissed off at only being able to chuck cards around, while the likes of STORM could fly and stuff. WOLVERINE was pissed off because of the shiteness of the latest series, which sees everyone except him and DR XAVIER back in college, and he feels that this implies that he's all old and crusty. Meanwhile, there was a full frontal nudity scene involving STORM, ROGUE, and some blackcurrent jam smeared in interesting places, because I'm making all this up and what I want to happen happens. Huzzah!

MEANWHILE, IN RELATION TO THIS SERIES...

Both parties of 'Ziners had decided to face off against each other. The Evil Bastards had a cunning plan, courtesy of not Baldrick but SILENT ROBB PHD, while the other lot didn't. The fools.

SCENE 1 - A DANK BASEMENT BENEATH THE D&TDT

The basement is dark illuminated by a single bulb which hangs low over a large table in the centre of the room. The assembled 'Ziners are gathered around the table in a conspiratorial manner, as you do. They are, for those plebs who haven't been paying attention, THE QUEEN OF THE TROUBLED TEENS, LILAC LEOPARD, SUGARED VENOM, SCUTTER BOB, KILTED ENGLISHMAN, THE SNORKMISTRESS, LITTLE MISS CLARA, FLUFFY THE EVIL ONE, BROCOLLI THE EVIL ONE, and SRD THE UGLY ONE.

FLUFFY: We need a plan, lads.

SCUTTER: We could ask the ladies to put on another floorshow?

FLUFFY: Good, you're thinking, but wrong kind of plan. Besides, I don't think SRD could take much more.

SRD: (flailing gently somewhere at the end of the table) Fleriffle tulip...

FLUFFY: Poor guy. I think all the excitement was a bit much for him. Anyhoo, back to the situation. Any ideas? Anyone?

LITTLE MISS CLARA: We could just defer the problem and get someone else to sort it out.

QOTTT: I like that.

FLUFFY: Indeed, but who, mewonders?

(SRD stops flailing momentarily)

SRD: Shouldn't that be "whom"?

(SRD goes back to flailing)

SRD: Fleriffle tulip!

SCENE 2 - A RAIN-WASHED ALLEY

All of the 'Ziners from the D&TDT are assembled here, huddling together for protection from the lashing rain. Except SRD, who just floats around at the back because no-one likes him. There is a large, intricate mural covering one wall, depicting many strange and colourful creatures doing many strange and colourful things to themselves, each other, and in one case to SRD. Who's quite chuffed really, 'cause it's all the action he's ever likely to get.

FLUFFY: Who is it we're here for again?

SRD: WhoooooooomYARG!

CLARA: No-one's really sure what his real name is, people just call him "M", but his 'Zine pseudonym is 1929. He's a mercenary for hire, a highly accomplished professional; they say that he single-handedly planned and orchestrated the Wall Street Crash.

SCUTTER BOB: How old is he?

CLARA: Around 15, I think.

BOB: But Wall Street happened in-

CLARA: Yeah, I know, he's that good.

(LITTLE MISS CLARA leans close to a certain part of one of the creatures in the mural)

CLARA: L1, L2, Circle, Square, X, Triangle, Left, Right, Forward, Back, R1, R2.

(A panel in the wall pops open and out jumps a small green demony thing. It is LARA CROFT OF MEGAZINE)

LARA: I am Lara Croft of Megazine, keeper of this most sacred of gates. Which arse here spoke, sorry, spake the damn cheat and summoned me here?

KILTED ENGLISHMAN: Heeeeeeey, you don't look anything like Lara Croft!

LARA: I'm Lara Croft of Megazine, fool, I'm bound to be a bit different. Unless I'm a newbie, obviously, which I'm proudly not. Now, who was it?

CLARA: Yeah, that would have been me. Listen, we're in a bit of a bind, and need to speak with… (dramatic silence) M.

LARA: Wattle?

CLARA: Lordy, pardon me for trying to include an in-joke… Righty then, we need to speak with… (dramatic silence) 1929.

LARA: Hang on. Ack, I've got a terrible feeling of impending melodrama…

(LARA CROFT OF MEGAZINE disappears back into the wall and the panel reseals)

(Pause)

SRD: (reading back over the script to pass the time) Hey, "Clara/Lara"… I bet there's a woeful pun in there that I could use in my next story…

(A slightly more awkward pause)

SRD: Pink and yellow polka-dotted paperclips?

(More pausing for the awkwardness)

QOTTT: Oh, 1929, for the love of God, hurry up!

(Seemingly on cue, another door opens up in the mural and 1929 reveals himself. He is a scruffy looking wee fellow, stern expression and stereotypical revolutionary garb. When he speaks we will notice that it is with a French accent that occasionally slips into an English one and, bafflingly, an Irish one too, at times. Where do we find them?)

1929: Yes?

(The other 'Ziners poke CLARA forward, who seems to have been silently declared spokesperson. Hell, you're bound to get more lines if you're sleeping with the writer)

CLARA: Uh, hi. We, kinda need to, um, there's these people, well, more like bastards really, and they-

1929: (impatiently) Who are you, who sent you?!

CLARA: What? No-one! We need you for protection!

1929: What kind of protection?

CLARA: The kind where you kill the people we need protecting from?

1929: I see. Zat ees a rather final way to ensure against bozzer from somebodies. I theenk you'd all best come inzide. Zis rain is peesing me off. Like God's fucking peesing on my head.

SCENE 3 - A SERIES OF DARK ALLEYS IN AN OLD, BUILT-UP INDUSTRIAL AREA

Some time has passed, and everything's all dark and foreboding now, and the ally our anti-heroes stand in is awash with puddles. Gah, they'll feck up their shoes… Anyway, all six of the Evil Bastards are here, standing outside an Abandoned Warehouse™. Well, there has to be one, doesn't there? For the last time, the Evil Bastards are: CAGED LIBERTY, DR GALDERHAT, MISUNDERSTOOD FLAPDOODLE, PERPLEXED CROW and the newest members, JAY OLE and SILENT ROBB PHD.

CAGED: Right then, we all know what's what?

(Everybody nods, except JAY, who dances around a bit and hums to himself, and GALDERHAT, who just minces)

CAGED: Good. Off you go then, twins, Jay, you know what you're doing, Silent Robb, go down below and check that everything's set up right, and the good doctor and I shall attend to our business (signals at GALDERHAT) NO DOUBLE ENTENDRES, THANK YOU.

(GALDERHAT looks disappointed)

(SILENT ROBB PHD goes back into the Abandoned Warehouse™, MISUNDERSTOOD FLAPDOODLE and PERPLEXED CROW head down the alley to the left, JAY OLE flanks right, and CAGED LIBERTY and GALDERHAT head down the adjoining alley straight ahead)

The shot cuts to another part of this industrial district, where all of the other 'Ziners (the ones listed back in scene 1) are walking down another miscellaneous dark alley, lead by 1929. They come to a junction.

1929: Alright, zis iz eet. We all know what we are doing, oui?

(the assembled 'Ziners mumble positive responses and break off in groups, each group heading down a different alley. As CLARA, FLUFFY, BROCOLLI and the Queen of the Troubled Teens try to go off, 1929 pulls them back. He waits until the others are out of earshot before explaining.)

1929: We four shall not be going off with zee others. Eet's time to get on with zee real plan, I think.

BROCOLLI: What? Real plan?

CLARA: As far as plans go, I did think "split up and wander around for a bit" was a few leagues short of 1929's fabled genius, I have to admit.

QOTTT: So why've you gotten rid of the others?

1929: Eef a few must be sacrificed for zee greater good, zen so be eet.

QOTTT: You mean you're giving up all five of their lives just for a diversion?

(1929 gets agitated and grabs THE QUEEN OF THE TROUBLED TEENS roughly)

1929: What do you theenk this is, kiddy play time where we all seet around and lick Barney the dinosaur's fucking pussy, huh?! Zis is reel life, reel war, and if you want to die and shove dildos up God's fucking ass all day long in heaven, zat's fine weeth me, but I, I am not going down, not for you, not for anybody!

FLUFFY: (appears to be making difficult mental calculations): All five of their lives?

QOTTT: Well SRD hardly counts, does he?

FLUFFY: Ooooooh.

1929: (taking out a shovel) Eef you are all feenished licking the pees of God, let's go! (starts digging)

Cuts to KILTED ENGLISHMAN walking alone down another alley. A dark figure approaches from behind and twots him over the head with a club. He collapses.

JAY OLE: (standing over KILTY's limp body waving aforementioned club) CRAIG, SON OF DEVÁL, KNELL BEFORE SOD! Snoochie poochies.

(JAY drags the body away)

Cuts to yet another of these alleys, this time with SUGARED VENOM, SCUTTER BOB and THE SNORKMISTRESS dandering down it. They suddenly stop stock still when they see two pairs of eyes glowing in the darkness ahead. MISUNDERSTOOD FLAPDOODLE and PERPLEXED CROW step forward.

MISUNDERSTOOD FLAPDOODLE & PERPLEXED CROW: Won't you come play with us?

(the camera pans around behind the twins to reveal that they are holding a nice selection of sharp things behind their backs. Oo-er)

Cuts to… you get the idea. LILAC LEOPARD and SRD feature this time.

SRD: So then, Chris says to The-

LILAC: Shut your face up, SRD, or so help me God, I swear I will shoot you.

SRD: No, actually, he s-

(CAGED LIBERTY steps out in front of them)

CAGED: Hello.

(a look of hatred appears on SRD's face. For once this is justified and isn't just because he's a div)

(GALDERHAT steps out from behind CAGED LIBERTY, and shoots both SRD and LILAC LEOPARD in the shins. Both fall to the floor, screaming)

(CAGED LIBERTY produces some rope)

(SRD whimpers)