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Page IV:  scroll down for all jokes on this page.

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Real Meaning of Help Wanted Ads
  • Apply In Person: If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
  • Career Minded: Female Applicants must be childless.
  • Casual Work Atmosphere: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.
  • Competitive Salary: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
  • Duties Will Vary: Anyone in the office can boss you around.
  • Good Communication Skills: Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
  • Join Our Fast Paced Company: We have no time to train you.
  • Must Be Detailed Oriented: You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
  • No Phone Calls Please: We've filled the job. Our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
  • Problem Solving Skills Required: You will be walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
  • Team Leadership Skills Required: You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
  • Seeking Candidates With A Wide Variety Of Experience: You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
  • Some Overtime Required: Some time each night and some time each weekend.
The Office Dictionary
  • Blame storming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
  • Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
  • Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.
  • Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
  • Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.
  • Mouse Potato: The online wired generation's term for couch potato.
  • Ohnosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a big mistake.
  • Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
  • SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
  • Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite.
  • Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
Work Rules to the Boss From Secretary
  • Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
  • Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
  • If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
  • If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
  • If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.
  • If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
  • If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is priority. I am psychic.
  • If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
  • Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
  • Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
  • Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.


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