Real
Meaning of Help Wanted Ads |
- Apply In Person: If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the
position has been filled.
- Career Minded: Female Applicants must be childless.
- Casual Work Atmosphere: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll
dress up.
- Competitive Salary: We remain competitive by paying less than our
competitors.
- Duties Will Vary: Anyone in the office can boss you around.
- Good Communication Skills: Management communicates, you listen,
figure out what they want and do it.
- Join Our Fast Paced Company: We have no time to train you.
- Must Be Detailed Oriented: You'll be six months behind schedule on
your first day.
- No Phone Calls Please: We've filled the job. Our call for resumes
is just a legal formality.
- Problem Solving Skills Required: You will be walking into a company
in perpetual chaos.
- Team Leadership Skills Required: You'll have the responsibilities
of a manager, without the pay or respect.
- Seeking Candidates With A Wide Variety Of Experience: You'll need
it to replace three people who just left.
- Some Overtime Required: Some time each night and some time each
weekend.
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The Office
Dictionary |
- Blame storming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline
was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
- Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the
employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
- Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.
- Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators
running.
- Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on
computer keyboards.
- Mouse Potato: The online wired generation's term for couch potato.
- Ohnosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize
that you've just made a big mistake.
- Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a
cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
- SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of
them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children,
Oppressive Mortgage.
- Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite.
- Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out
and whiny.
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Work
Rules to the Boss From Secretary |
- Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me
a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
- Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have
nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
- If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it
could mean a promotion.
- If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes
to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at
every keystroke.
- If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't
open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors
with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my
limbs.
- If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be
popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
- If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is
priority. I am psychic.
- If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down.
In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful
information.
- Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then
bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
- Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to
know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later,
my shrewd deductions will identify them.
- Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice
to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much
taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
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