| A Little
Philosphy About Life |
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
- Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
- Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- Half the people you know are below average.
- I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception
problem
- I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
- I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make
as they go flying by.
- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
- If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never
tried before.
- My reality check bounced.
- Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the
first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.
- No one is listening until you make a mistake.
- Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
- Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without
it.
- The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on
it.
- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
- There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this
line.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.
- When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
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| How You
Know You Drink Too Much Coffee |
- Instant coffee takes too long.
- People get dizzy just watching you.
- You answer the door before people knock.
- You buy Half & Half by the barrel.
- You can jump-start your car without cables.
- You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
- You can thread a sewing machine while it's running.
- You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
- You can't even remember your second cup.
- You chew on other people's fingernails.
- You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
- You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
- You help your dog chase its tail.
- You lick your coffeepot clean.
- You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
- You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity
in a coffee can.
- Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
- Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
- Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet &
Low."
- Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
- You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirs.
- You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
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| Questions
To Ponder |
- Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
- Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are
already there?
- Why are they called "stands" when they are made for
sitting?
- Why is it called after dark when it really is after light?
- Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected
expected?
- Why is bra singular and panties plural?
- How come abbreviated is such a long word?
- Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
- Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
- Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
- Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
- Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins
Lottery"?
- Why is a boxing ring square?
- Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
- Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
- Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you
turn down the volume on the radio?
- Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
- Why can't they make a whole air plane out of the same substance as
the indestructible black box?
- Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
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