Are you tired of the mushy "friendship" poems that always sound good but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a "friendship" poem that really speaks to true friendship and truth itself ...

Friend,

When you are sad, I will help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
When you are blue, I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
When you smile, I'll know you finally got laid.
When you are scared, I will rag you about it every chance I get.
When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
When you are confused, I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.
When you are sick, stay away from me until you're well again. I don't want whatever you have.
When you fall, I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath, I pledge 'til the end. Why you may ask? Because you're my friend!

(Send this poem to ten of your closest friends, or else you will have bad luck and go to hell and get depressed because you realize you only have 2 friends, and one of them is not speaking to you right now anyway.)

P.S. A friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body.

• We got off the Titanic first.
• We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
• Taxis stop for us.
• We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
• No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
• We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
• If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
• We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear.
• We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
• We have the ability to dress ourselves.
• We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
• If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
• There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
• We'll never regret piercing our ears.
• We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
• We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence, because they aren't listening anyway.

• Damitol: Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.
• St. Mom's Wort: Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
• Empty Nestrogen: Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
• Peptobimbo: Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
• Dumerol: When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q., causing enjoyment of country western music.
• Flipitor: Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
• Menicillin: Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ...can we get naked now?"
• Buyagra: Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
• Extra Strength Buy-One-all: When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.
• Jack Asspirin: Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
• Anti-talksident: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
• Sexcedrin: More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.
• Ragamet: When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
• Antiboyotics: When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.