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How to deal with problem students
All children know how to rudely react in certain situations. If you come up against an obese student, or even one slightly heavier than average, just call them fat to get a reaction. Stupid is another of the earliest insults that can apply to almost anyone.
Unfortunately, as we grow older, some people become immune to the repeated words of fat, ugly, and stupid. This is not only hurting teachers, but also effects comedians, political commentators, and other people who grow frustrated by their inability to hurt someone's feelings in an intelligent way.
For this purpose, we have picked out some common problems that students may have, and are working on ways to redevelop complexes that may have been lost during the teenage years.
Problem:
- Unattentive
- Uncooperative
- Unintelligent
- Unattractive/Ugly
- Underweight
- Under Pressure
Unattentive: Stop the class to focus on the student's personal life. "Are you having relationship problems?", "Are you with us?", "Are sure you're getting enough sleep?", "I don't think you're enrolled for this class", "Are you feeling better from...(make up an incident) last week?" When the student isn't listening, ask them how they enjoyed the "socialist youth rally", "gay film festival", "line dancing" or something else they would never go to.
Uncooperative: Thank the student for every thing they do. If he complains, agree with him. Dress like the student. Turn him into a teacher's pet, an undeserving favourite. Then put him in team projects with hard workers whom you insult.
Unintelligent: "Charlie? Charlie?"(call out the student's name repeatedly in the middle of a sentence as if you asked him a question).
Conspire with other students against the one: have a student write sentences entirely in Klingon on the blackboard, another student comment on it using big words, and a third disagree. Then ask the victim what he thinks. If he is slow to answer, start shouting "we went over this last week! aren't you ever going to learn!" If the student says you must have gone over it with another group, have the other students insist that he, the target student, was there and "you even read the section of the book explaining the topic aloud to the class."
Unattractive/Ugly: Mention how in "some societies, people find" their most distinguishing features "attractive, can you believe that?" Also ask them if they've been in an accident, if their distinguishing features are "feeling alright."
Underweight: Curiously, these are the people fat jokes work best on. Also create a lot of statistics on obesity in their nationality or city/county of origin.
Under Pressure: Tell students about important assignments no more than two days before the deadline. Email students about mandatory meetings while the meeting is in progress. Do not leave important notices on the notice board for more than one hour at a time. Create impossible assignments, and, if they complain, explain that some ficticious student from last year was able to do it. Then, if they do complete it, say the assignment won't be marked because it was too difficult. Finally, create a new task to replace it, or hand back the original and extend the deadline.
Remember: To really stress out a student, you must pretend to be on his side. Make him believe he is the only one having problems. If he does communicate with other students, you can always claim "this is a bad year, they are lowering standards in this institution". Then, throw your hands up in despair and ask yourself out loud "Am I a bad teacher?"
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