Testing: Prologue

Please be aware that the following script contains much strong adult language.

*** PROLOGUE - Crib-notes version: Harried teacher Steve Baldwin has what turns out to be his final day of teaching and then takes a number of even-more-demeaning jobs. ***

TITLE OVER:

Day Zero - A Teacher's Retirement

FADE IN:

EXT. PARSONS MIDDLE SCHOOL - DAY

Parsons is an old-fashioned campus, consisting of several buildings or "wings" emanating from a center area. Unfortunately, the campus is extremely dilapidated and uninspiring to students and teachers alike. From the street, we can see the classrooms through huge, 50's-style windows. Even from just this casual view, we can see that most of the STUDENTS are out of control.

INT. CLASSROOM AT PARSONS MIDDLE SCHOOL - DAY

Clock on wall reads 4:12. A loudspeaker box on the wall booms with its ANNOUNCER's voice, barely heard over the din of the students.

ANNOUNCER (O.S.) (filtered) Good afternoon, teachers and students, may I have your attention for the afternoon announcements? First, we need to notify the custodial staff that a janitor is needed at the end of B-wing hallway as soon as possible. There is a clean-up needed in that area before the end of the day.

INT. B-WING HALLWAY - DAY

There is a pile of human excrement, looking fairly fresh, on the floor. Above it stands a JANITOR, looking at it in wide-eyed disbelief.

ANNOUNCER (O.S.) (CONT'D) (filtered) Also . . .all teachers and students on A-wing, we ask that all of you use the south exit to leave the building today. We are having a slight problem at the north exit which is currently being resolved.

INT. A-WING HALLWAY - DAY

Two POLICE OFFICERS are attempting to subdue and handcuff a feisty STUDENT.

ANNOUNCER (O.S.) (CONT'D) (filtered) Next, we want to remind all students that the statewide writing assessment test will take place tomorrow.

INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

STUDENTS are typically rowdy -- pushing and shoving, throwing paper, etc. The TEACHER makes a vain attempt to restore order, than sits resignedly at her desk.

ANNOUNCER (O.S.) (CONT'D) (filtered) As you know, this test is part of what will determine the amount of funding the school will receive from the state next year, so the results of this test will reflect upon us as well as upon you. So, students, we recommend that you get a good night's sleep, eat a hearty breakfast, and come to school prepared to do your very best on the test.

The students show no sign of interest in this announcement, save for one well-meaning GIRL who attempts to shush her nearby classmates so that she can hear.

ANNOUNCER (O.S.) (CONT'D) (filtered) And one final announcement . . . Mister Baldwin . . . Mister Steve Baldwin . . . will you please report to the principal's office before leaving the campus today.

INT. MR. BALDWIN'S CLASSROOM - DAY

Teacher STEVE BALDWIN is poised at his door, car keys in his hand, eager to end his work day as soon as possible. He hears the announcement and slams his hand on the door in frustration.

INT. PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE - DAY

The PRINCIPAL is seated behind his desk. In front of his desk are seated: Baldwin; ROBERT, a defiant student with an alarm anklet on his leg; and ADRIENNE, Robert's social worker, who looks too youthful and pleasant to be involved with such a hoodlum.

PRINCIPAL I have requested this conference to see if we can resolve what appears to be a personality conflict. Now, Mr. Baldwin, (wielding some papers) you know we recommend that teacher-student conflicts be resolved within the classroom. And yet in the past three weeks, you have written a half-dozen discipline referrals on Robert here. Can you tell me why you have forced me to intervene in this situation? STEVE Yes. To put it plainly, Robert not only has no interest in learning, he prevents other students from learning as well. PRINCIPAL Really? And how does he do that? STEVE Oh, my heavens, how doesn't he? Let's see . . . walking in and out of my classroom during class, telling me to chill out when I ask him to quiet down, putting his arm around a girl during class . . . ROBERT Hey, you can't blame me for that one, man! She was upset when she found out the baby wasn't mine, and I was just letting her know I was down with that! PRINCIPAL Maybe we could pinpoint a more timely incident. Mister Baldwin, what was, say, your most recent incident involving Robert? STEVE Well, as I documented on my most recent referral, of which I have a copy here, (pulling out a piece of paper) Robert told me to, quote, "fuck off," end quote. PRINCIPAL Oh. And Robert, what caused you to act so abruptly? ROBERT 'Cause I hate the motherfucker! PRINCIPAL Robert, let me inform you that another outburst like that and we may be forced to suspend you.

Steve rolls his eyes when he hears that Robert "may be" suspended for cursing at a teacher. Adrienne grimaces at the same news.

PRINCIPAL (CONT'D) All right, Mr. Baldwin, what prompted this latest referral? STEVE Well, I was in the middle of reviewing for the statewide assessment test, when a group of girls started laughing. PRINCIPAL Well, what does that have to do with Robert? STEVE They were laughing at Robert, who was sound asleep.

The Principal remains unmoved.

STEVE (CONT'D) And snoring.

Still no response.

STEVE (CONT'D) While he was lying on top of my radiator! PRINCIPAL Robert, is this true? ROBERT I had a long night, man! PRINCIPAL Um, all right. So, Mr. Baldwin, did you do anything to intervene? STEVE Yes. I went over and nudged Robert awake. He sat up and told me not to touch him. I told him that he was disrupting my class. That was when he yelled the F-word at me. So I wrote him on a referral and sent him out. ROBERT I don't need this shit, man. PRINCIPAL Robert, please. So, Mr. Baldwin, had you previously made any effort to defuse this situation? STEVE Yes, but strangely enough, the home phone number I had for Robert is disconnected, and his parents have not responded to my letters. ADRIENNE Mr. Baldwin, I apologize for that. I intercepted your last letter, but I've been so backed up at work, I haven't had a chance to respond. STEVE And you are...Robert's mother? ADRIENNE No, I am his case worker. Adrienne Moss. (hands Steve her card) I've had Robert's case ever since he was enrolled here last fall. Robert, I think you owe Mr. Baldwin a huge apology. ROBERT Aw, kiss my ass, bitch. PRINCIPAL Now, Robert, that's not necessary. Mr. Baldwin, I think both you and Robert can share the blame for allowing this situation to go so far, and as such, I think you both should be disciplined accordingly. Robert, I have drawn up a behavior contract for you. (slides a piece of paper towards ROBERT) This states that if you are involved in three more infractions of school rules, you will be sent to an alternative school for forty-five days. You need to sign that at the bottom, please.

Robert grudgingly signs.

PRINCIPAL (CONT'D) And as for you, Mr. Baldwin, I have enrolled you in a five-day anger management workshop. It helps beginning teachers to learn coping skills and alternative procedures to deal with job stress. (slides a piece of paper towards STEVE) If you will sign at the bottom as well.

Steve looks at the paper, then up at the principal.

STEVE Beginning teacher? You realize I've been in the system for seven years? PRINCIPAL Of course. But I'm afraid that your confrontational manner has left me with no alternative. STEVE Uh, sure, sure. Can I read this just for a minute? (holds the paper up to the ceiling) Gosh, the light is kind of dim in here. Let me get my own. (pulls out a lighter and sets the paper afire) STEVE (CONT'D) Yes, that's much, much better.

To the consternation of the others, Steve pulls a cigar from his coat pocket, lights it from the flaming paper, and blows smoke rings at the Principal. None of the others can believe what Steve is doing.

STEVE (CONT'D) Ah, yes, much more relaxing. Say, have you all seen "The Wizard of Oz"? That's one of my favorite movies. (shoves the flaming paper at Robert menacingly) How about a little fire, scarecrow? (laughs maniacally) ROBERT Get that outta my face, motherfucker!

Steve blows more smoke and shoves the lit cigar and the flame at Robert repeatedly.

STEVE I'm melting, I'm melting! What a world, what a world!

Steve cackles as everyone moves to protect themselves.

EXT. PARSONS MIDDLE SCHOOL - SUNSET

We see a tableau of Steve with his back to us. An overflowing box at his feet indicates that he has cleaned out his classroom and will not be coming back. For a few moments, Steve takes a long, last, contemplative look at the school. Then he stands straight and points his middle finger at the school in salute.

INT. STEVE'S APARTMENT - EVENING

Steve is talking on the telephone.

STEVE Listen, Sarah, I know you mean well . . . I'm sure you're right . . . I'm sure they do need teachers to grade these statewide assessment tests . . . yes, I'm sure it is easy money . . .the thing is, I've really been burned by teaching. You know how it is when you start dating someone and things are going really great at first, and then suddenly they dump you for no good reason? Well, that's the way I feel about teaching. When I first started teaching, I was just in love with it, and then . . . pardon me? . . . Oh, so, basically you're saying that I was a one-night stand and teaching was the whore . . . Look, I don't care how you want to look at it, it's going to be a long, long time before I can handle a job that's even remotely related to teaching.

INT. FAST-FOOD RESTAURANT - DAY

Steve is a cashier, dressed in a blandly colored uniform and wearing a paper hat. The uniform looks particularly inappropriate on him. At the moment, he is dealing with an irate CUSTOMER.

CUSTOMER I demand a regular hamburger! This one doesn't have any pickles.

Steve looks at his computer keyboard to re-read the customer's order.

STEVE Ma'am, I'm looking at your order. You specifically requested no pickles on your burger.

While Steve and the customer are "conversing," at the other end of the counter we see the store's MANAGER, a barely-over-teenage boy, wearing a "Manager" cap and trying to make time with a FEMALE CASHIER. In front of him is a long line of fuming customers, of whom the manager is oblivious.

CUSTOMER Well, that was before I knew It was going to take you guys half an hour just to take the pickles off! Now my burger is all cold! Meanwhile, my fries are burning hot! I gave one to my kid and she almost burned her tongue!

The fry cooker beeps loudly. Steve goes to take the fries out.

STEVE I'm really sorry, ma'am. Can you bear with me for just one minute? CUSTOMER I am not believing this. How can you run a store this way, anyway? Where's the manager?

We see the manager deeply kissing his new conquest. Just as Steve is pulling out the fresh fries, he slips on something. He and the fries take a tremendous fall.

INT. STEVE'S APARTMENT - DAY

Steve is again on the phone, this time with one side of his face glowing red as a result of the fall.

STEVE I think I just set my sights too low, Sarah. I mean, I've got a college degree. I've got seven years of work experience. Surely there is something out there that isn't all high pressure and low wages!

INT. TELEMARKETING SALES ROOM - DAY

Steve is talking into a headset, sitting at a cubicle in an office full of similarly headsetted workers.

STEVE Now, sir, as an added bonus to thank you for your purchase of Volume 2 of "Don Rickles' Most Scathing Insults," we'd like to offer you a one-year membership to the Roast-of-the-Month Club! Each month, you'll receive a different video of one of your favorite celebrities getting a full-blown tribute by big stars who can't wait to rake him over the coals! Now, you'd have to pay hundreds of dollars to buy these tapes over the counter, but we're offering them to you for a one-time membership fee of forty-nine-ninety-five, renewable exactly one year from today! How does that sound to you, sir? CUSTOMER (O.S.) (filtered) Look, no, thanks. I really just want the Don Rickles thing. STEVE Well, in that case, sir, how about "The Rat Pack Anthology"? This collection was culled to give you every performance of Frankie, Dino, and the whole gang as they were filmed by bootleg collectors from around the world. And as our special customer, we're offering the whole cuckoo kit-and-caboodle to you at the one-time low price of seventy-nine-ninety-five. Does that ring your chimes, sir? CUSTOMER (O.S.) (filtered) Hey, look, I don't need the other stuff, okay? My uncle's in a nursing home and I just wanted to give him some quality entertainment, or I wouldn't even be ordering the Rickles stuff! Why is it every time I order one of these TV things, you guys gotta sell me half a dozen other things with it?

In the sales room, a loud bell rings. Steve looks up to see what it's about. A SUPERVISOR has his arm around a WORKER's shoulder.

SUPERVISOR Folks, can I have your attention? Sorry to interrupt, but I had to let you know that Glen here is selling these Rat Pack combos hand over fist and is our top salesman for the week. So I thought you ought to see what a lot of hard work can give you. Glen, I'm proud to present you with this week's bonus . . .a brand-new set of Ginzu steak knives!

The other workers applaud. Steve yanks off his headset and puts his head on his desk.

INT. STEVE'S APARTMENT - DAY

Steve is on the phone again.

STEVE No, no, I've had it, Sarah. I've done the best I could to make some money, and all I do is get humiliated. I'm taking a break for a while. I'd rather starve to death than be treated the way I've been treated just to earn a paycheck!

INT. PLASMA DONATION CENTER - DAY

Steve is lying on a reclining couch, an IV in his arm. His facial expression shows that he wonders how it came to this. The MAN on the couch talks to Steve, who tries to remain polite in the face of the man's bad breath.

MAN Isn't this great? And after ten visits in a row, you get an extra twenty dollars! Man, I can't believe I used to have to beg on street corners to get money like this!

INT. CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY

Steve, his arm bandaged up after the plasma donation, enters the store and stop at the beer aisle near the front. He fishes in his shirt pocket and pulls out a single dollar bill. He doesn't even have the money for a six-pack. He looks up front and sees the CASHIER busy with other CUSTOMERS. Grimacing, Steve is obviously thinking about stealing the six-pack, when he hears a sudden crash. He looks up to see two teenage BOYS, who have knocked over a cart of snacks and grabbing a handful of them before rushing out the door. Then, the boys recognize Steve.

1ST BOY Hey there, Mister Baldwin! School's not the same without ya. 2ND BOY Yeah, we actually enjoy it now!

The boys laugh maniacally and rush out. The cashier runs out from behind the counter but is too slow to stop them; he turns around and glares at Steve, who is suddenly very self-conscious.

STEVE Uh, really, I hardly know Those guys. I just had them in after-school detention once. You know, I made them pick up stuff.

Now the customers are staring at Steve as well.

STEVE I mean, legal stuff, you know? Anyway, I hardly knew them...Other than that week in detention . . .

INT. OFFICE BUILDING - DAY

A series of shots seemingly show Steve getting booked for jail -- his hand signing a paper, his getting fingerprinted, and him in profile being photographed against a solid white background and being directed by a WOMAN.

WOMAN Okay, Steven, face the camera for me.

A lightbulb flashes on Steve's face. What looked like a jail booking is actually a set of pre-employment formalities. The woman is a human resources rep; her dressing style and brusque manner reflect this. Steve is dressed in black, as if for a funeral, which is also how he acts.

WOMAN Congratulations, Steven. You are now employed at Shears Testing Center. Tell me, are you excited about your new position? STEVE (evenly) Of course. WOMAN Well, we are certainly excited to have you. Your previous experience as a teacher should be a huge help to us in scoring the statewide assessment tests. Now, here's your badge.

The woman hands Steve a badge with his dour-looking photo on the badge's right side. Steve's first name is in bold black letters, his last name in smaller letters underneath. A string dangles from the top of the badge, rather like a dog's collar. The woman then hands Steve a large pile of papers.

WOMAN (CONT'D) And here is a little bit of paperwork we need for you to fill out in order to get you into our payroll system. If you'd like, you can take it home with you and bring it back completed when you start work here next week.

Steve stares at the pile incredulously.

STEVE Yes, I expect it'll take me that long to fill it all out. WOMAN We'll see you back here on Monday morning at eight o'clock a.m. Be sure you are wearing this badge as that will be your only means of admission into the testing center. Be here sharply at eight, and again, we're glad to have you!

EXT. SHEARS TESTING CENTER - DAY

Steve exits the building. It is an overly sunny, bleached-out day. Steve squints and shadows his eyes with his right hand. With his left hand, he pulls the badge up to his eyes, briefly examines it, and resignedly slips it into his shirt pocket. Steve goes to his car, which is so beaten-up that he hasn't bothered to lock it. He takes off his suit jacket and throws it through the open rear window. He gets in the car and drives away. The parking lot is now empty.

***

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