Testing :: Saturday

*** SATURDAY - Crib-notes version: Steve blows off Johnny and Jenny Tester, gets blotto, and experiences a divine revelation via his TV set. ***

TITLE OVER:

Saturday

INT. SHEARS TESTING CENTER - DAY

We see a series of frustrated workers sitting at their terminals with gestures of hopelessness -- shaking their heads, squinting, looking bemused, and pantomiming suicide. Adrienne has her hand to her head and looks miserable. Bill is at the podium.

BILL First of all, the committee would like to express how appreciative we all are that you gave up your weekend to come in and help us get caught up. Now, having said that, it's a little hard to understand how we can be so far behind after only three days of solid scoring. Neither the responses nor our guidelines have been that hard to understand. Hopefully, this weekend will be like a bonus time that will help you grasp our methods.

Steve is now sitting at Lana's terminal, getting individual instruction from her. He is still suffering from the previous night and is not pleased at being singled out.

LANA Now, hon, I just want you to know that Bill requested this conference for you. Personally, I thought you were doing great, but Bill checked all the figures this morning, and I guess the numbers don't lie. STEVE No, I suppose *they* don't. LANA So I'm going to try to help you a little bit and just see if we can get on the same page, okay? Now, I've been backreading some of the responses you've scored, and I really think you're on the right track. We just have to fine-tune your technique, just tweak it a little, okay? STEVE Fine. I'm used to getting tweaked by this point. LANA Fine. Now let's look at this first paper, for example.

Lana taps at her keyboard and squints.

LANA (CONT'D) Now, why did you give this response a "1"?

Steve briefly re-reads it.

STEVE Well, because it only covers the first time-line event. It says the first newspaper was printed in China, using wooden blocks. LANA Ah. Well, there's your mistake, hon. You should actually have scored this a "zero". STEVE A "zero"? Why? LANA Well, you said it yourself, hon. This is a time-line event. STEVE Yes, so? LANA Well, where's the time? This doesn't say "700 A.D." For all we know, it could be some poor Chinese fella standing on a street corner today, trying to print newspapers with his wooden block.

Steve turns and looks at Lana in disbelief. Lana is oblivious.

LANA (CONT'D) Now, don't panic, hon, that's why I'm here to help ya! Okay, let's do another one. (taps her keyboard again) Right. Now, you gave this one a "3". Why did you penalize it like that?

Steve blanches at the word "penalize" but re-reads the response.

STEVE Well, it's not complete. The final time-line event is that the United States now has over eighteen hundred daily newspapers. This response doesn't say that. LANA Ah. Well, it doesn't really need to, for a "4". See, this is what we call a "wobble." STEVE (in disbelief) A wobble? LANA Yes. See, this paper lists all of the main facts -- the first newspaper was in China, Gutenberg made the printing press in fourteen-forty, etc., etc. As long as it has those main facts, it can be missing that last one and still get a "4." STEVE But shouldn't a "4" be like a perfect paper?

Lana stares at him dead-eyed.

STEVE (CONT'D) Uh, or almost perfect? LANA See, you're still in that grading mode. We're not grading here, remember? We're scoring. Holistic scoring. As long as the paper gets the essence of what's expected, we must score it fairly. STEVE And just so I can get this down in my notes, how would you define this "essence"? LANA Well, it varies from paper to paper. Listen, I understand what you're going through -- it took me a while to get the hang of this myself. Maybe you need to study a few more examples...

The clock reads 8:15.

FADE IN:

INT. SHEARS TESTING CENTER - DAY

The clock now reads 9:15. Steve and Lana are still debating semantics, much to the consternation of the other workers, who are distracted by their endless chatter.

STEVE Now, let me see if I have this straight. A paper can be incomplete and still be a "4" unless a time-line fact is either missing altogether or it doesn't have a year. Then it's a "3", unless it also doesn't tell the impact of that fact, in which case it bounces now to a "2" . . . LANA Well, like I said, it varies from paper to paper. You can't categorically state... STEVE But I'm seeing a pattern to this! I've almost got it! Just work with me a little here!

Phil approaches Lana.

PHIL Lana, my dear, I'm so sorry to interrupt, but Adrienne is a little pre-occupied this morning, and she suggested I come see you. I wonder if you could come over for a minute and help me score a response. STEVE No! You can't! PHIL I beg your pardon? STEVE You can't have her! LANA Steve! STEVE I'm just on the verge of grasping something here, and you want her just to fluff up your ego! Tell you what, for the rest of the day, just read your stuff alone. And whatever score you really think it deserves, just knock it down three points and you'll be right on target!

Jeff looks on in shock, and the other workers start to take notice as well.

PHIL Well, really! LANA Steve, maybe it's time for a little break . . .

That's it. Steve loses it.

STEVE Fuck your break, Miss "I Know What You're Going Through, Hon!"

Steve rushes over to the poster of "Johnny and Jenny Tester."

STEVE (CONT'D) You want to visualize Johnny and Jenny Tester? Well, I don't have to visualize them -- I taught 'em! You want to know about Johnny? Johnny's the one who takes the test paper you gave him, pulls out a substance that's illegal in Columbia, wraps the paper around it, lights it up in front of the superintendent, then points at you, the teacher, and says, "Suspend this guy, he's condoning illegal substances in his classroom!"

Suddenly Steve spots the Cell Phone Worker talking on his phone.

CELL PHONE WORKER Yeah, you better get here quickly. I think this guy's about to blow.

Steve marches over to the Cell Phone Worker.

STEVE And you, asshole! What part of "no cell phones at work" is so hard to understand? Put that thing away before I turn your *ass* into a cellular wireless!

The Worker gulps and shoves his cell phone into his pocket. Steve returns to the front and slaps Jenny Tester's picture.

STEVE (CONT'D) And Jenny? Jenny's the one student in the entire school who actually wants to do well on the test. Only she doesn't understand the instructions because she reads at a third-grade level, and she's not about to raise her hand and ask for help, because she knows that if she calls attention to herself, Johnny's gonna get ahold of her after school and pimp her out for the night!

Bill sternly observes this from afar, a walkie-talkie in his hand.

BILL Get me security. Now. STEVE You know what "holistic" means? It's a Japanese term for "cover your ass"! Holistic is like pornography -- you can't define it for anybody, you just know when you don't like it! Well, I can sure define it! It's a test where any piece of shit written by a kid with a nano-second attention span is proclaimed a masterpiece by every think-tank in America!

A burly SECURITY GUARD strides in and pulls Steve away.

STEVE (CONT'D) And let me tell you, if we don't turn this thing around, this whole country's gonna get a "holistic score" that looks like winter in Antartica!

As the security guard pulls Steve away, he pulls at the back of Adrienne's chair to get her attention.

STEVE (CONT'D) Adrienne. You're smart. You're beautiful. Don't let yourself waste away here!

Adrienne stares agape at Steve as he gets pulled away. Lana hugs Phil maternally and tries to comfort him.

PHIL Can you believe that outburst? What a display! I thought he was going to manhandle me! LANA There, there, Phil. I know just how you feel.

INT. STEVE'S CAR - DAY

Steve is driving furiously down the road.

STEVE Johnny and Jenny Tester! Holistic scoring! Bullshit! Hell, I'm a certified teacher! All I'd need is an office building and I could run a place like that!

Steve drives past an empty strip mall with a sign in the front: "Office Space for Lease -- 11,000 Square Feet." Steve slams his car in reverse and stops in front of the strip mall. Steve looks out the window to his left, smugly grins, and puts the car in reverse again. We think that Steve is going to act on the plan he just voiced. Then, we see that next to the strip mall is a small building with a neon "Bar" sign in the front window. It is to this building that Steve drives, parks, and enters.

FADE IN:

INT. STEVE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

We hear the click of the door's lock. The door opens, and Steve, obviously drunk, stumbles in, holding a large brown bag. Steve turns on a light, deposits the bag by his easy chair, turns on the TV with a nearby remote, and briefly heads for the kitchen. As white noise from the TV fills the room, Steve returns with a bottle opener and sits in the chair. He pulls a bottle of beer from the bag, opens it, and takes a big swig. He grabs the remote, absently clicks through a couple of channels, and then drops the remote on the table beside him. He doesn't care what's on; he just wants to veg out. He quietly takes notice of the TV show that's on.

TV ANNOUNCER (O.S.) And now on "America's Major Perpetrators," we come to this week's "Primo Perp." Tonight we spotlight William Grasso, a former school principal wanted in three states.

Steve stops in mid-swig and hangs on every word.

TV ANNOUNCER (O.S.) (CONT'D) Grasso retired from a legitimate administrative position five years ago when it was discovered that he had shuffled funds from his New York school's parent-teacher organization to help finance his share of a local "gentlemen's club."

Steve's TV screen shows of a photo of William Grasso, his hands on the shoulders of two fresh-faced children. Grasso is indeed the "Bill" of the testing center. Steve also recognizes the two children in Grasso's grip -- Bill has immortalized them as "Johnny and Jenny Tester." Steve looks at his beer bottle and decides that the TV show is providing a superior buzz. He tosses the bottle over his shoulder (to a resounding crash), gets up, and moves toward the TV as though approaching a sacrificial god.

TV ANNOUNCER (O.S.) (CONT'D) After the gentlemen's club was abruptly emptied and left vacated one weekend evening...

The TV broadcasts a jittery video of furniture being quickly loaded from the club to a van, with the logo "Home Video" at the bottom of the screen.

TV ANNOUNCER (O.S.) (CONT'D) ... Grasso scammed his way through Rhode Island and Maine, both times claiming to be the certified representative of a nationwide company that offered school systems a standardized test as well as holistic scoring services for that test. But the only real scoring was done by Grasso's scam, which netted an estimated eleven-point-five million dollars total from two school districts. District administrators from both states did not return our calls.

Steve stands transfixed in front of the set's Spielberg-like glow.

TV ANNOUNCER (O.S.) (CONT'D) At last contact, Grasso was believed to be headed for the southeastern United States vicinity. If you have any information on Grasso's whereabouts, please contact your local branch of the FBI. A substantial reward is being offered for his capture.

Steve drops to his knees and prays in earnest.

STEVE I swear . . . I'll never touch another drop of alcohol in my life . . . but please . . . please let this not be a dream . . .

Steve sobs quietly. A couple of brief notes of ominous organ music fade into...

***

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