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WEDNESDAY - Crib-notes version: Steve fails to obtain The Meaning of Life and/or Scoring from a co-worker but still manages to pass the test.
***
TITLE OVER:
Wednesday -- Testing Day INT. SHEARS TESTING CENTER - DAY
Marie is in a final training session. An essay is
on the projector screen.
MARIE
Now, this is your final
training session before you
score the test essays which
will determine whether we can
keep you employed to score the
real essays. If you have any
questions about the essays or
any part of our scoring
process, please, ask them
this morning before we go into
test mode. Any questions now
before we score this last
practice essay?...Very well,
let's begin.
Everyone in the room reads silently. Steve has
barely begun reading the essay when he notices an
older, very FAST READER sitting next to him. The Fast Reader speed-reads through the front and back of his sheet in about five seconds, marks his score on the sheet, and then, satisfied, he slams his pencil and
sheet on his desk. Steve regards the Fast Reader with
a "Ho-kay"-type take to himself.
"Spot gags":
* Despite Bill's previous warning, a WORKER WITH A
CELL PHONE tries to discreetly have a phone
conversation -- but not discreetly enough, as nearby
co-workers get distracted by his phone call and snarl
at him, to no effect.
* Phil is pontificating to a polite but bothered
Adrienne about the essay.
PHIL
Well, I'm asking you as an
expert. Don't you think this
child jumps around too much?
It seems to me that if he has
a point to make, he should
stick to it, rather than
hopping from one thing to the
next. Why, he even distracts
himself with all of his
hopscotching. For example, why
does he put all of these
spaces between his thoughts?
Adrienne looks closely at the paper and then stares slack-jawed at Phil.
ADRIENNE
Uh, those are called
indentations, Phil.
PHIL
Well, whatever they're called,
I just don't see the point of
them.
* One of the workers is, for all appearances, a
WINO. He is scraggily bearded, wears a torn jacket,
and has a brown bag in front of him, from which he occasionally takes a sip. Nobody seems to notice him.
MARIE
All right. Let's discuss this
essay. How many people gave it
a "1"?
A scant few raise their hands, Fast Reader among them.
MARIE (CONT'D)
How many gave it a "2"?
Steve and other workers raise their hands.
MARIE (CONT'D)
Well, in fact, it is a "1". So
let's review this one for a
moment.
Fast Reader smiles and starts to listen to Marie, but
then he notices Steve staring at him.
FAST READER
Er, may I help you?
STEVE
Uh, may I ask you something?
F.R.
Yes, I suppose so.
STEVE
Well, it's just that I've
noticed on the last three
papers now, you zip right
through them in about five
seconds, and yet you always
get them right. How do you do
that?
F.R.
(chuckling
drily)
I don't know. I just read
them, I guess.
STEVE
But how do you always get the
right score? Is there some
kind of formula?
F.R.
Well, of course there's a
formula.
STEVE
Really? Well, could you maybe
tell me what it is?
F.R.
No.
Fast Reader turns back to Marie. After a beat.
STEVE
No? You mean, no because then
you'd have to kill me?
F.R.
No, I mean no because you can't
tell anyone the formula. It
just is.
STEVE
It just is what?
F.R.
Look, my boy, you need to
relax a little. All of these
essays are the same. They're
of such limited scope that
there can't be but a few set
answers to any question. So
after you've read a few of
them, you just connect the
dots and boom, you have the
formula.
STEVE
But I've already read a few of
the essays, and I don't see
any connection. They all seem
to have very different types
of responses.
F.R.
Well, of course they're
different. There's more than
one child writing an essay,
isn't there? The answers have
to be different.
STEVE
B-but you just told me all
the answers are about the
same. Now you're telling me
they're different.
F.R.
Look, you're talking to me
right now, right? STEVE
Well, yeah, sure.
F.R.
Well, it stands to reason
that if I talk to that lad
behind you, I'm going to have
a different conversation than
I'm having with you. And yet,
if the three of us are
conversing on the same topic
and the same wavelength,
chances are that our responses
are going to be very similar.
STEVE
Okay, but what if that guy is
smarter than me?
F.R.
He's not smarter than you.
STEVE
Oh? And how do you know that?
F.R.
Because he asked me what the
formula was earlier this
morning.
The Fast Reader turns back to Marie.
MARIE
All right, let's take a short
break before we begin testing.
Let's be back here in about
fifteen minutes.
Everyone gets up and files leisurely out of the room.
EXT. SHEARS TESTING CENTER PARKING LOT - DAY
People are mulling around and chatting. Steve is off
walking by himself, his face contemplative as he tries
to make sense of the previous conversation. Finally,
he is completely alone. He lifts his hands skyward and screams.
STEVE
I'll never know what that was
all about!
INT. SHEARS TESTING CENTER - DAY
Clock on wall reads 2:00. Steve, Jeff, and about a dozen other co-workers are sitting at a small array
of computers in a partitioned area of the testing
center. Bill is standing at the front of the group.
BILL As you know, the other workers passed their tests, having scored two clusters of responses in which their scores matched the committee's scores at a rate of sixty percent or higher. In order to meet Shears' standards, each of you must score sixty percent or higher on this final cluster, or we will have to dismiss you from this position.
Steve, Jeff, and the other workers are visibly
nervous.
BILL (CONT'D)
You now have thirty minutes to score your final cluster. You may begin. Good luck.
FADE TO:
INT. SHEARS TESTING CENTER - DAY
The clock now reads 2:30. We see a worker pressing a final button on his keyboard as Bill comes out.
BILL Time is up. I'll go to the main computer, and we'll inform you of your final scores in a few minutes.
The workers smile nervously and try to comfort each other. Steve and Jeff look at each other nervously.
STEVE
How do you think you did?
JEFF
I hope they grade our stuff
indiscriminately. Very
indiscriminately.
INT. PRIVATE OFFICE AT SHEARS - DAY
The clock now reads 3:00. At a table, Marie finishes
a cigarette, and Bill drinks coffee and reads a newspaper. Bill casually looks up at the clock and
folds his paper.
BILL Well, I guess it's about that time. How many more people did you say we needed? MARIE Uh, five.
Bill pulls out the list of testees and counts down the
list silently, one-two-three-four-five.
BILL Okay, let's go. Bill and Marie stand up and tidy themselves. Bill
grabs the testee list, and together he and Marie
return to the partitioned area.
BILL (CONT'D) (looking at his sheet of paper)
We appreciate your patience. We are pleased to announce passing scores for the following people: Steve Baldwin, Jeff Becker, Randi Conley, Michael DeWitt, and Barbara Eberly.
Steve and Jeff excitedly stand up and slap fives. The other three named workers congratulate each other.
The remaining workers look away dejectedly.
BILL (CONT'D) And to the rest of you, we are sincerely sorry, but we highly recommend that you apply at our office when our next scoring session begins. Now, we need to ask you to leave the building and bear in mind our confidentiality policy.
The ejected workers disgustedly leave. Bill calls to
them as they exit.
BILL (CONT'D) Oh, and please leave your ID badges in the box near the entrance. We hear much dropping and muttering.
BILL (CONT'D)
Uh, ma'am, you missed the box! Sir, please don't do that to your badge, we try to recycle them!
***
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