Testing :: Thursday

*** THURSDAY - Crib-notes version: Steve and Bill nearly come to blows over Malcolm X. ***

TITLE OVER:

Thursday

INT. SHEARS TESTING CENTER - DAY

The clock on the wall reads 8:06. All workers are raptly listening to Marie, who is holding court as Steve arrives late and tries to sneak in surreptitiously. As Steve plops in front of his computer, Lana reaches over and hands him a purple slip of paper.

LANA Steve? Sorry, hon, but you're more than five minutes late. You gotta fill that out and sign it.

Steve regards the gaudily-colored slip.

STEVE What is this, a tardy slip? LANA Yeah, you could call it that. Don't worry, hon, I used to get those all the time. STEVE Wonderful. I suppose, two more of these and I get sent to the principal's office. JEFF Don't laugh. You missed Bill's morning speech, he's a former principal. You'll probably have to lean over his desk and get swats. NEARBY WORKER Sssh! MARIE Now, here's the latest update, you need to make a note of this. The committee has decided that to get a "1", a response must at least have the first date and at least one fact. For example, it can say that it was first printed in 700 A.D. and that it was printed using wooden blocks. JEFF (quietly) I'll trade you two facts for one date. STEVE I'll see your date and raise your blood pressure. MARIE That's all for now. Have a great scoring day.

Marie exits as the workers noisily settle in to work. Steve reaches over his computer to return the purple sheet to Lana.

LANA Steve, hon, you forgot to list the reason you were late. STEVE How about, an extreme sense of masochism? LANA Uh, I'll just put "traffic."

INT. SHEARS TESTING CENTER - DAY

It is later the same day. The room is quiet. Then Steve and Jeff's concentration is disrupted by continuous cracking sounds. Steve looks around quizzically and sees a STRETCHING WOMAN. She is standing up in front of her terminal and is doing an amazing series of "body pops," alternating grabbing her head and twisting, throwing her arms behind her back, etc.

JEFF Amazing. I want to go to bed with someone like that. STEVE I did, once. Her cracking was louder than her screaming.

Bill goes to Adrienne's terminal and thrusts an accusing finger at some papers in front of Adrienne. He is just the opposite of the charming Bill who addresses the workers.

BILL These numbers suck! ADRIENNE For God's sake, Bill, lighten up. They've only been scoring for one day! BILL Yeah, one day and your team's scores are already lower than the others. Look at all these non-adjacents! Do something to get your folks in sync. Offer them some extra food stamps or something!

Bill stalks away and goes to Shilene, switching gears and making happy talk with her. Adrienne looks dejected. Steve has been watching all of this with a scowl on his face.

STEVE I still don't get all this stuff. What's a non-adjacent again? JEFF Each response gets scored by two people. They can't be more than one point off. If I score somebody a "4" and you give it a "2", that's a non-adjacent. STEVE Geez, couldn't they just split the difference and call it a "3"? JEFF Well, they could, but I think that would put too many ex-principals out of work. STEVE You got that right.

Both men go back to work. Shortly, Steve notices a hand in the distance and looks up. In the back of Shilene's group, a heavily PREGNANT WOMAN has her hand raised to ask a question. Steve looks at Shilene, who obliviously continues to work at her terminal. Steve continues to stare at the ongoing situation. Marie enters and steps up to the podium.

MARIE Okay, everyone, lunch time. When you come back from lunch, don't log on right away, we want to do a practice scoring with you.

The Pregnant Woman meekly lowers her hand. Everyone gets up and files out for lunch. Steve looks on in wonder.

EXT. SHEARS BREAK ROOM - DAY

Steve and Jeff are sitting across from each other at a table.

STEVE When's our first payday for this, anyway? They haven't even given us our schedule yet. JEFF Oh, are we getting paid for this, man? I thought we were doing volunteer work. STEVE Yeah, to benefit the illiterates! Oh, wait a minute, that's whose papers we're scoring. JEFF Yeah, we're getting some doozies, aren't we? They can't regurgitate a list of facts that's right in front of 'em, but they'll take one fact and belabor the shit out of it. STEVE Tell me about it.

INT. SHEARS TESTING CENTER - DAY

We see a series of workers at their terminals, reading aloud some responses which illustrate Jeff's statement.

1ST WORKER "The Chinese used a wooden block to stamp their papers with ink. Ink...I wonder where they got ink in ancient China. They must have had to smush a lot of berries back then." 2ND WORKER "The Chinese had only one stamp to stamp out all of the newspapers for China. And if they hadn't started making papers in America, we would have had to learn Chinese to read them."

A 3RD WORKER has a wide-eyed look on his face. The written response he sees on his terminal is nothing but a huge question mark. We hear a cartoon-type "boing" that underlines the 3RD WORKER's befuddlement.

STEVE The only saving grace is that I'm not a teacher anymore. I get paid to just read this crap instead of having to take any responsibility for it. JEFF Yeah, it's too bad the kids don't have as much stake in this stuff as the administrators do. STEVE That's for sure. Then the kids would be the ones sweating every little grade, and the teachers could have all the fun ruining the schools.

EXT. PARSONS MIDDLE SCHOOL - DAY

In a fantasy, we see the Principal spray-painting a wall of the school with the words, "7th Graders Suck! Assessment Tests Rule!" The Principal looks around furtively, then sneaks off.

EXT. SHEARS TESTING CENTER - DAY

It is after lunch. Bill is reviewing a response that is projected on the screen behind him. The response, even at a glance, is barely legible and grammatically scandalous. An OLDER WORKER is addressing Bill.

OLDER WORKER Bill, with all due respect, I just cannot see how you can give this paper a "4". I was a teacher for twenty-two years, and if I'd ever received a paper that looked like this, I would have graded it an "F" just on general principle. BILL Ah, but you have just said the loaded word. We are not grading these responses, we are scoring them. I grant you, there are some serious grammatical and punctuation errors in this response. But if you will re-read it and get past those errors, you will see that the writer addresses nearly all of the key points required to receive a "4". OLDER WORKER I suppose so, but the writing style is so poor that it takes a miracle to get beyond that. BILL But getting beyond that is just what you have to do here. The whole point of our "holistic" scoring system is to look past errors of convention to make sure the writer has covered every possible supporting detail. We're looking for completeness here, not style. STEVE (to JEFF) Boy, they definitely put the "hole" in "holistic" here. BILL Uh, Steve, you have a question? STEVE Well, no, sir. More of an observation. BILL And that would be? STEVE Well, it just seems as though, if we're looking for completeness here, then completeness of expression ought to count for something. I mean, Malcolm X had some brilliant ideas, but even he discovered that until he learned to articulate himself properly, nobody was going to listen to him.

Adrienne smiles at Steve's comment.

BILL Well, Steve, while I appreciate your intellectual references, this is neither the time nor the place for a political debate. My simple point is that, if the writer covers all the proper ground, we need to look past our initial impressions and score him properly.

Steve nods quietly but is unimpressed.

INT. TESTING CENTER ENTRANCE - DAY

It is the end of the day. Workers file out the door as Bill bids them goodnight. Steve nears the door.

BILL Ah, Steve. May I talk to you for a minute before you go?

INT. BILL'S OFFICE - DAY

Bill is sitting at his desk. Steve is across from him.

BILL Malcolm X, Steve? Pretty erudite reference. Was that just to impress me, or to show that you're not one of the homeless-shelter crowd you're working with? STEVE It was just an example, sir. BILL Well, can we just stick to the work at hand from now on? I don't think your showing that you swallowed a dictionary is going to further your job outlook. STEVE Aardvark. BILL Pardon me? STEVE You mentioned dictionaries. Malcolm X learned to speak properly by copying a dictionary from start to finish. I'll bet if we handed these kids a dictionary instead of a standardized test to copy, these scores would probably be through the roof.

Bill scowls.

STEVE (CONT'D) Anyway, Malcolm X remembered the word "aardvark" because it was the first dictionary word he ever copied. I'm sure you're familiar with it, Bill -- it's just a few lines ahead of the word "asshole." BILL Well, I'm definitely familiar with that last word. Part of the reason I got out of the school system was so that I could stop having to deal with assholes like you. But every so often, I get some asshole who follows me into this job. Trouble is, here he doesn't have union representation like he had in the school system.

Bill comes around the desk and meets Steve nose-to-nose.

BILL (CONT'D) So then I can tell him the same thing I'm going to tell you. Every time you try to bust my balls out there, I'm gonna count that as a "tardy." Two more tardies and you'll be out the door quicker than you can sign a welfare check. Am I making myself clear? STEVE (through gritted teeth) Clear as broken glass, sir.

EXT. SHEARS TESTING CENTER - DAY

Steve, looking irritated, exits the building. Then he looks out into the parking lot. He sees a man standing beside a sports car, holding a door open for Adrienne, who lightly kisses him and steps in. He gets in and drives off. Steve's face and shoulders immediately slump. He holds his arms upward and looks to the sky for guidance. Quickly the sky clouds up and rains on Steve. He nods his head at the sky, as though the gods have made his day complete, and he runs for his car.

***

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