Tale of A Vampire
(1993)
Julian Sands plays our protagonist, Alex: a centuries old fang face who lives a tortured and loveless existence in the dreary and almost surreal alleys of London England, suffering through multiple halucinations and flashbacks of his former love: Virginia. We first meet Al as his peaceful slumber is disrupted by a soon-to-be devoured feline... proof to those who think Julian Sands doesn't like to sink his fangs into the occasional pussy. To survive, our pal Al prefers to feed on criminals like an undead vigilante, but when he has to, he'll settle for the occasional homeless guy. Unaffected by sunlight, the daywalking sap spends most of his days in the local library, studying the arcane texts and Fabio covered romance novels within. We all laugh at him guys, but with all that crappy love stuff under his belt, this dude could bag more women that most of us will probably ever get phone numbers for! Speaking of which, Al has caught the eye of librarian-in-training, Anne, who's just a little overly plain for my tastes, but hey, it takes all kinds. Coincidentally, Anne just lost her boyfriend in an automobile explosion (don't worry, we do get to see that in the beginning). Now guys, sit back and watch how a real lady charmer gets the job done! Acting really shy and tortured like a starving artist school student, Anne takes pity on Al. Using this pity to his advantage, Al gets closer and closer to the vulnerable Anne, getting himself invited to her house and for a few drinks. Hell, Al doesn't even have to do all the work, as Anne makes the first move on him! But, when Al's lust gets the best of him and he tries to sink his teeth into some exposed trachea, he's denied and Anne pushes him off... damn tease. Not one to resort to rape, Al leaves to go and cry and mope some more in his pitiful little one room apartment and suffer through some more flashbacks of his lost love. He should do what Trent Reznor does and put out an album. He'd be getting LOTS of puntang for his whining then!
Well, to add to Al's chick troubles, enter Edgar, a Van Helsing looking character that's been stalking Al as of late. Edgar who? Well, after following Al around a while, Ed confronts Anne, taking her out for a few beers. While out, he rats out Al for what he really is, a two-legged leach. Meanwhile, Al adds a couple new faces to his body count. To prove his point, Ed whips out some old love letters and Virginia's old diary. Further prodding informs us that Edgar is also the ex-husband of Al's dead lover Virginia (Virginia IS for lovers after all). Yep, Back in the good ol' days Al fell for this gorgeous babe. But, she turned out to be married already, so there was only one answer: to make her (and her big nostrils) nosferatu too. So, slapping his pearly whites to her on her death bed, everyone figured her for a corpse. In reality though, she and Al ran off together to live their eternities together. But, if Ed's really Virginia's ex-husband, then that'd make him something like several centuries old, right? So, could it be that Ed is really a vampire too? Hypocrites always make the best bad guys...
Anne, now with the knowledge of just what Alex is, seeks him out in his dingy loft. Assuming she's there to do him in, Al gives her a free shot, asking her to finally douse the flames of pain, blah blah blah. Anne predictably goes the other path, asking Alex instead to chomp on her gullet so she can eat hobos too. Not wanting to bring suffering like that on someone again (yeah, immortality, who would want THAT?!), Al says no siting his past with Virginia. Sending her on her way, Anne is instantly swiped up in Snidely Whiplash fashion by Ed, who refuses to lose to the long-haired scrawny Alex yet again. Using Anne as psychological torture, Ed drops in on Alex finally to confront him once and for all, and get those decades of emotional distress of his chest! Here, Ed let's us in on just what happened to Virginia: None too pleased when he found out what really happened to his trophy wife, Edgar got together a posse and they went after the starcrossed lovers Virginia and Alex, ending in tragedy as Virginia was captured. Al escaped though, at Virginia's request, and Virginia was left to Edgar's not-so-tender mercies. Afterwards, the bastich locked his eternal ex in a lead coffin and sank her at the bottom of the frigid expanses of the North Sea... man, forever in a freezing metal box? That Edgar is a major prick! A prick that would make any mother proud, but still a prick...
While Anne sits ringside, slipping closer and closer into the clutches of your's truly, Alex and Ed have it out. After some back and forth, Al gets the last lick, impaling Eddy and sending him sailing out a third story window, I'm guessing to his demise, though we never actually see a body. Jumping to Anne's side, pretty boy poster boy for tragedy Alex tries to turn her vamp, in hopes of saving her from certain doom. But, it's too little too late, as Anne shuffles off her mortal coil, leaving Alex alone to... uhm... fall asleep on top of the newly dead chick... oh well, might as well get in a couple sucker pumps before rigor mortis steps in, right? As the film wraps up, our narrator spouts some tragic romance by Edgar Allen Poe to bring a decisive end to a gothic version of "Romeo and Juliet". And yes, somehow I managed to stay awake through the ENTIRE film!
I was on a Julian Sands kick when I rented this, picking it up one weekend in combination with PHANTOM OF THE OPERA, WARLOCK, and BOXING HELENA. Little did I realize how sappy and monotonous I would find it. But, since I realy like Julian Sands and the ending was pretty good, I find TALE OF A VAMPIRE to be mediocre instead of bad. The all around atmosphere of the flick was surprisingly dancing between fantasy and all out surrealism. The flashbacks throw in just went all Emerill on it and "BAM!", we had a mildly amusing film... though I think my Emerill reference just disturbed me too much. I must finish up this review before his visage creeps into my.......... GAH!!! Okay, my brain is on the countdown to all out vacancy to help with the recent power problems consuming our country, so allow me to make this quick. If you're looking for vampire eroticism, go check out EMBRACE OF THE VAMPIRE. If you're looking for some more action in your traction, head over to FROM DUSK TILL DAWN (or even to a lesser extent,JOHN CARPENTER'S VAMPIRES). If you're looking for something with a bigger budget and oddball imagery, then you can't go wrong with BRAM STOKER'S DRACULA. But, if you're looking for a flick that you and your girlfriend can write gloomy poetry to while piercing your nipples and putting on your mom's eye-liner, then TALE OF A VAMPIRE should do nicely. Be forwarned though, you're going to want to consume LOTS of stimulating narcotics before hand, cuz if you're even the littlest bit tired, this flick will put you right out! Don't get me wrong, I love Julian Sands and all that, and it's not really a bad story, but the camerawork (or lack-there-of) and soundtrack, combined with everyone's low energy attitudes and the dreary British setting just make for a very unviolent KO. Oh, and remember, if your girl's anything like mine, you're gonna catch lots of physical agony if you fall asleep during a romantic movie... I still miss my left ear sometimes...
Sequels: Nope
If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: I, ZOMBIE or PHANTOM OF THE OPERA
