Return to Feature
Dear Harvey - Advice Column
Acknowledgements: Thank you for the fantastic e-mail from Lassievorc, NeuralClone, Curufea, Peacekeeperchuck and sunaeryn. And keep those e-mails coming. This column depends on you, dear reader.
Disclaimer: Not mine, no profit, I’m keeping my day job.
Disclaimer #2: This is a parody of advice columns. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead or fictional person, past or present, is unintentional and is meant for entertainment only.
*Oh no! It looks like John is about to test the Farscape for the umpteenth time. He knows I need to get my column out now; I’ve got my dead lines. He won’t like this, but I’ll just have to interrupt him.*
*John! John, wait, I need to do my column, can’t this wait for a few minutes?* I caught John just as he was about to climb into the Farscape.
*How long did you say? And are you using minutes? It’s been so long since I’ve heard that term.* John paused at the cockpit.
*I’d say fifteen or twenty minutes tops. And it’s been over three years since you’ve heard it.* I purposely used the Earth terms now hoping this will allow me to write the column.
*Okay, I’ll wait, but you’ve only got twenty minutes. * John sat down and folded his arms.
*Oh well, there’s no getting rid of him. I had better get to it.* I immediately went to the first e-mail.
Dear Harvey,
I am a (fairly) young, rising star in Peacekeeper Command. I think my future looks very bright indeed! I'm in the process of obtaining a full council sanction to remove Scorpius from command. My attempts at assassination have not worked, so far. I believe he remains alive, and I'm afraid that he will devise some diabolical plan for getting back at me! I figure that you, of all "people," might be able to shed some light on how I might ultimately defeat and vanquish him. I realize there is no love lost between you two. I find my feminine wiles have been useful in getting what I want, but they don't seem to work with Scorpius. He is too obsessed with killing Scarrans!
Authoritatively,
Commandant Mele-on Grayza
Dear Commandant Grayza,
You are quite right to assume that Scorpius remains alive. It appears nothing can kill him! He had a whole Shadow Depository fall on him, and did he die? Noooo. Abandon your feeble attempts at assassination at once! You don’t want to arouse his suspicions about you. You must go back to plan A. You were on the right track originally. You just haven’t given it enough time.
To help speed things along, I suggest you go to him in your most alluring, low cut, diaphanous outfit and bring him flowers. There is a special flower that you must obtain; it’s called ‘Bird of Paradise’. Do that and he will be like putty in your hands. You won’t need to assassinate him.
*SNERK*
*Okay, John, what is it this time?* I was going to have none of his meddling.
*Nothing, keep up the good work Harvey. SNERK I, ah, have something caught in my throat is all. Listen, I’ll give you an extra half hour as I want to look something up while you’re doing this.* John left.
*I wonder what he found so funny in this answer. It is really sound advice from what I can tell. Scorpius does seem to be indestructible. Heh, heh, if that got rid of him, even better advice.*
______________________________
Dear Harvey
I seem to... that is, ah, I think I'm having a mid-life crisis. I'm having trouble remembering things - well, I'm having trouble remembering *anything*. Actually I have amnesia, which is why I think I'm having a mid-life crisis. I just, ah, woke up one day floating in space in an escape pod (do you have days in space?) with a headache and erm, no memory. Does this happen often?
Anyway, oh dear, I don't know what I should do. Should I go and report myself to Missing Persons, asking if anyone has been looking for um, a roundish blue person?
And why is it I get nervous when I see anyone wearing black leather?
Yours, most anxiously,
Co-Kura (I think that's right, yes, Co-Kura.)
Dear Co-Kura (if that is who you really are),
And what makes you think it is a mid-life crisis? When you found yourself floating in space were you fully dressed or in your jammies? I don’t think this is a mid-life crisis at all, I think you are senile and must go back to the nursing home in space from whence you came.
You may wonder why I am so sure you are a senile roundish blue person. The reason is given right in your e-mail (which, I’m curious, how did you figure out how to send it to me anyway?) where you indicate your fear of people dressed in black leather. Don’t you remember that all the staff of the space nursing homes uniforms are black leather? It is a standard uniform.
Turn yourself in immediately to the next nursing home you float by, I’m sure there are people who are anxious to find you.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
I can't maintain a stable relationship. Every woman I go out with dumps me and I don't know why! They just say "If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you!". What should I do?
Yours in confusion
Drannit
Dear Drannit,
Well, if you don’t know, I’m certainly not going to tell you!
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
I recently moved into a new house. I really thought that I was getting along OK with my new next-door neighbor. That was until he put up a chain link privacy fence between our back yards. It is quite an ugly fence. Could this be a hint that my new neighbor doesn't like me? I am quite upset. What should I do?
At least I still have my hat,
Chuck
(Not to be confused with Peacekeeperchuck either. Pkchuck is just sooo crazy!)
Dear Chuck (and not Peacekeeperchuck if we can believe your signature),
What do you care if your neighbor likes you or not? That is not important. What is important is whether his actions are affecting your property value. I would dare to suggest that it does and in a negative manner. Fight back! If he refuses to remove the fence, erect a bigger fence along side it and electrify the fence. That way, he will be jolted back to reality when he is maintaining his fence.
Simultaneously, petition the town to evict your neighbor, force him to take the fence down, and take it with him. Then, insert a clause that he reimburse you for the expense you went to for both installing the electrified fence and for its subsequent removal.
Good luck with your project Chuck!
* John, I’m done.* I started to pack my stuff up, but there was no response. *That’s odd, * I thought, *He’s usually breathing down my neck by this time.* I called him again.
*Harve, would you mind doing another, I’m in the middle of something right now?*
*Oh BABY!* I thought. *No problem, John! You know I love doing this.*
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
I just read your recent column (thanks to a fellow cast mate, as I don't have access to the net). I just wanted to say… what the Frell is David Franklin whining about? So what if he's been on the show three years! I just got on the show. I am one of "Moya's Crew" and MY name isn't in the opening credits AT ALL! David is such a whiner. Does he have to wear a heavy headdress? Does he have to wear skimpy clothes? Does he have to use an annoying scream? NO.
So, dear David, quit your frellin' whining.
Fussed,
Tammy MacIntosh
My dearest lovely, sensitive, and demure Tammy,
I read your e-mail over several times and find your letter says it all, what can I add to an already perfect letter? Besides, it isn’t like you are actually asking for my advice.
Please feel free to ask me for advice any time, my dear. I am here to serve you.
*John, are you ready now? I can keep going, but I don’t have to. Thanks for the extra time.*
*Yeah, I’m ready. Don’t say I never do anything for you, Harvey.*
I ran before John could nuggie me again. *What’s with the nuggies?*
4-16-02 Advice Column
4-09-02 Advice Column
4-02-02 Advice Column
3-25-02 Advice Column
3-19-02 Advice Column
3-12-02 Advice Column
Premier Advice Column