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Dear Harvey - Advice Column
Acknowledgements: Thank you for the fantastic e-mail from sunaeryn, pitdog, NeuralClone, PhantomStark and Lassievorc. And keep those e-mails coming. This column depends on you, dear reader.
Disclaimer: Not mine, no profit, I’m keeping my day job.
Disclaimer #2: This is a parody of advice columns. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead or fictional person, past or present, is unintentional and is meant for entertainment only.
*Okay Harvey, you’re up. But before I relinquish my brain to you, I want you to say that special Earth term, the one having to do with a period of time.*
How could I have predicted John would be so hungry to hear the word minute? *Minute… just a few minutes… give me a minute… how many minutes in an hour?* I knew I was laying it on thick, but it didn’t take much to make John happy these days. *Give me about a half an hour, okay?*
*Yes, and I’ll even get out of your cooling rods this time.* John left.
*Sigh, if only he would take my advice.*
Dear Harvey,
Well, I took your advise...against my better judgment, and tried to reconcile with the remaining boyfriend, but well, I just found it a bit weird. I know they are different, yet the same. I just couldn't take it; it was too hard. I hate feeling like I have to be all "clingy" with him. I mean...I watched him DIE once...I can't do that again. Oh, did I mention I've been feeling a bit sick lately, usually in the mornings? I've decided that it's time to let fate step in. He doesn't know it yet...but I'm going to go find a renegade set of PKs and join them for a while. So, what do you think he'll do when I tell him I'm going to leave? That staying is just to hard, I'm always afraid he'll get killed or die on me. I couldn't take that, not again.
Fed up with Harvey,
Aeryn
Dear Aeryn,
To start, your signature belies your feelings, as, if you say, you are fed up with me, why then are you writing to me? It appears you are still looking for advice, but you feel you must do it in the most oblique way. I can tell you that you won’t get away with your childish games on me, young lady!
If I remember correctly, you also died on him, did you not? Yet you indicate he is willing to risk it. Why can’t you just grow up and deal with the situation you are handed instead of running away? Think hard, are you running towards a future with the renegades or away from him?
It seems to me, Aeryn that you are afraid to face reality and will do a grave injustice to your “friend” by hanging around. Therefore, you are undoubtedly making the correct decision by running away.
Now, this feeling sick in the morning that you mention, I’m sure you can just ignore it as it is brought on by the stress of your own creation.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
My love life is in shambles. Every time I meet a man who is good to me-he bores me silly. I seemed to be attracted to the *bad boy types*. They are like chocolate covered donuts for me. I know that I shouldn't, but still, I want them desperately.
To compound matters, I have gained sixty pounds - that donut problem I mentioned, earlier.
Now no one is looking at me at all, now!
Do I need to re-evaluate my priorities?
Signed,
Miss Chocolate Had Her Cake and Ate it Too!
Dear Miss Chocolate,
It is time to re-evaluate the type of men who you think are good for you. Life’s too short; don’t go through it bored! Your priorities sound correct to me.
My advice to you is to hang out with a different group of people; people who will accept you for yourself and who also really like chocolate covered donuts. There are two places I would suggest you dally at: 1. the local donut shop; and 2. the police station.
Depending on where you live, you might find that the donut shop IS the police station, in which case, you need go no further. If, however, they are separate establishments, then go to the donut shop first and buy a couple of dozen chocolate donuts to bring to the police station. You will win instant friends, and they will definitely look at you.
Further, as TV shows have indicated, anyone who is a police officer is not a dull person. They are very exciting, glamorous people who make a very good living and share your love of chocolate donuts. Now you will be able to have your cake, your guy, and eat it too!
______________________________
Dear Harvey
Some recent houseguests of mine trashed the place. What should I do about people like that in the future?
Scorpius
Dear Scorpius,
You are such a whiner! I can’t believe you’d be complaining about a little fender-bender like that. All you need is a little bond-o and some patience, and the carrier will be as good as new.
You invited them, so it is your responsibility to clean up any mess they left. You were the host in this case. As far as what you should do in the future, get some insurance and don’t worry about it. Unless you are determined to live like a hermit, that is your best recourse. Let the insurance take care of the cost of repairing the damage, and enjoy yourself.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
I recently received an ominous phone call from a stranger with a very deep-sounding, gravelly voice. He said he was going to get revenge. He said I was done for. He said that when he was through with me, Death Himself would pray for me. I have no idea who it is. I've led my life in the service of my people, and would never do anything that would demand any kind of "retribution." In fact, I am so loyal to my people; I made one of the biggest sacrifices of my life to ensure the clean bloodline of our race. I have no idea who this stranger is or why he is after me. What should I do?!
Worried in PK-land,
Macton
Dear Worried,
Done for what? This makes no sense what so ever. It sounds like you are getting prank calls from teenagers who are having a bit of fun with you by making vague threats. Just keep doing what you normally do; no precautions are necessary.
You also talk about protecting the purity of your race. What has that got to do with the prank phone calls? It sounds like you are linking two disparate incidences that have no relation to one another.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
I have always admired your svelte figure. Can you share any lifestyle or nutritional tips that you utilize in your day-to-day life? Can you speak for Scorpius on this matter? The calorically challenged would love to hear about this!
Rosie O.
Dear Rosie O.,
It is a well-known fact that anyone with a hot head just burns through those calories like a hot knife through butter. You need to elevate the temperature of you head by a few degrees, and then you will have no problems with your weight. You will be able to eat anything you want, anything. In fact, you will have to eat things you don’t want just to maintain.
The best way to maintain a hot head is to get a special heating rods installed in you noggin. Scorpius’ head is so naturally hot, that he has to cool his head off! You have the opposite problem. I would recommend the diagnosan that he went to for the installation, but sadly, the diagnosan is no longer with us. The best I can offer is to look for a local doctor who can do the installation.
* John, I’m done.* I packed up and John resumed his place.
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