Thoughts
yes, i do think
February 28, 2002
My life is good. I escape to a place each day where i can leave family troubles behind and spend about 7 hours hanging out with friends, debating issues, and even learning a few things here and there. i guess in a weird way, i can compare my school experience to sleep. For seven hours during the day, i can shut out the real world and go through life without any REAL worries. then i do the same for 6 hours during the night time. even without school, life is good...wait...now that i think about it, it really isn't. every sentence of this crap is true.......colorgenics is scaring the living shit out of me.
The idea of togetherness, love, warmth, tenderness and mutual understanding fascinates you but you seem to be embarrassed by the thought of allowing this to appear openly. It would appear that you employ a cautious exploratory tactic in the pursuit of this objective, making sure that you are neither irrevocably committed nor found out ....
You are need of rest, some peace and quiet. You feel the need to be close to that someone special .... that someone who can give you that special consideration and unquestioning affection that you seek. If you don't find that "special someone" and resolve your problems very soon .. you are liable to become extremely introverted and cut yourself off from society.
You are confined and trapped in a distressing or uncomfortable situation, and seeking some way out. Whatever you seem to do to resolve the problem hasn't worked out. Fortunately you are able to gain some aspect of relief from someone close to you....
You are experiencing more than your fair share of stress following an acute disappointment. This may be the result of subconscious conflict between hope and necessity. The tension that you are experiencing following your unfulfilled hopes have given rise to anxious uncertainty. You have no doubt that things could get better in the future and so you refuse to make the necessary essential decisions. This conflict between hope and necessity is creating considerable pressure. Instead of resolving this by facing up to making the essential decisions, you are likely to vacillate and concern yourself of trivialities of little consequence.
You are moody and depressed at this time but it will pass. All of your hopes and dreams seem to have gone astray .. and you are fearful of planning further for the future. Disappointment at the non fulfilment of your hopes and the fear that to formulate fresh goals will only lead to further setbacks have result in considerable anxiety and you try to escape from this by withdrawing into yourself. But that is not the answer .... You have the power to succeed. Believe in yourself... All is possible to him who believes ....
February 27, 2002
two nights ago i had a dream (after i saw an episode of ally mcbeal where she had a dna test to prove her her daughter was really hers) that i was adopted, and no one in my family knew about it, and basically, they were finding out for the first time along with me. i then proceeded to hug my mom cause she was crying.....i was sad, but not to the point where i cried. then i saw faru, azzi.....and come to think of it, izzy was there too....sitting on a couch. the realization that they were not my real brothers hit me, and that made me devasated. I remember crying to the point where my whole face was squinted up and i couldn't breathe.....then i don't remember anything else.
Colorgenics for this moment....
At this moment in time you feel as if you have lost the strength of will to contend with existing problems and difficulties which appear to you as deliberate opposition. You are trying to stand your ground, but the pressures are intolerable. You would like some co-operation from this around you - but it's not forthcoming. So you feel that, in its absence, there is nothing you can do to improve the current situation. You would like nothing better than to "get away from it all" .
You would like to break with the present and move on, searching for new conditions and relationships. Your anxiety and stress are results of unfulfilled emotional, and perhaps physical needs. You feel that you are not really understood by your nearest and dearest and it is this that prompts you to move on ... searching for that so illusive peace of mind.
February 26, 2002
screw miss cleo, this damn thing works.
At this particular time,- you are feeling that you are/or were unjustly and undeservedly treated and/or betrayed in your hopes and dreams.....You feel that everything is against you...But look on the bright side...for you are, whether you believe it or not, a survivor....
You need an atmosphere of peace and quiet and you would like to share a bond of understanding with the "right person" ... you have the belief that with the right person, your stress and anxiety could be minimised ...
You are not an argumentative sort of person and "rather than fight - you'd switch" (an old cigarette ad cliche). But when you try to assert yourself - as sometimes you may try to do - you meet with so much resistance and effrontery that manifests itself so obviously that you become hurt, indignant and resentful. So in order to have peace and quiet ... you tend to become inhibited You keep it all to yourself ...but deep down-you 'feel' and 'hurt' a lot
You are pretending that the situation around you doesn't matter, but the effort of trying to conceal your emotions and anxieties is resulting in untold stress. The existing situation is disagreeable. You feel unwanted and lonely and you would really like to associate with someone whose ideals are as high as your own. You want to be above the standard of mediocrity... and this need to be needed and that need to need has almost become an obsession. You are trying to magnify the need into a compelling urge. You would really like to tell the world how great you are.. but no.. you are holding back because you feel that your peers may treat you with contempt. This is a great pity because you have in fact a unique quality of character but the continual restraint that you impose on yourself make you suppress this need for others and you pretend you don't really care. You treat those who criticise you with contempt. However, to be honest ... beneath this assumption of indifference you really long for the approval and esteem of others.
It is strange that the anxiety that you are experiencing at this time is of your own makings simply because of your desire to be respected by your fellow man and with those whom you work with. You are not satisfied. The normal congenial "you" is becoming quite introverted. This is becoming increasingly more obvious because you seem to shy away from participating in everyday activities ... You are refusing to allow yourself to become involved, or to participate with others and it is the reluctance to communicate that is the inherent cause of your problems.
February 25, 2002
take the test at www.colorgenics.com. it is so tru it scares me
Enough is
enough ... you feel frustrated and rejected .... You are fighting back .. and
the going is tough. It would be just wonderful if you could be left in peace....
You are looking for excitement and stimulation and you are ready to try anything .... but be careful not to take too many risks.
Enough is enough ... But the problems never seem to stop. They never stop.. You feel, and maybe you are right, that the problems seem to go on and on ...and you have indeed had more than your fair share of trials and tribulations. But to give you credit ...You bounce back - Time again and again.... you stick to your beliefs because deep down you have that inner knowledge, that "belief" system that in the end -everything will turn out OK...and you are right....it will !
You are holding back. You need to find friends in whom you can trust and once they have proved themselves beyond all possible doubt you will be prepared to give them your all ... The existing situation is not of your liking. You have an unsatisfied need for mental stimulation with others whose standards are as high as your own. Trying to control your instincts the way you do restricts your ability to open up to others ... and the way you feel at this time is suggestive of "total surrender". This is not to your liking as you consider such thoughts as weaknesses that need to be overcome; You feel that only by control, controlling your innermost thoughts, are you able can you maintain your air of superiority. You want to be admired for yourself alone and not for what you can do or for what you may have done. In essence "you need to be needed" ... and at the same time... .."you need to need".
The need for admiration and to be regarded as "someone special" is perhaps one of the foremost aims in your life at this time. You would like to perhaps do something outrageous or anything that will give you the chance to be recognised as someone special.. This desire has now almost become an obsession and in your own way you are trying to fulfil this "complex" by ensuring you are the centre of attention, both at work or play ... or in the home. Stop trying so hard... and you will find that people will like you for who you are ... not for who you are pretending to be....
February 22, 2002
Senior project, senior project, senior project,senior project, senior project,senior project, senior project,senior project, senior project,senior project, senior project,senior project, senior project,senior project, senior project,senior project, senior project,senior project, senior project,senior project, senior project. mera din tho aati sundar tha.....MUAHAHAHHAHAH!!!!!!!
February 21, 2002
A lyrical manifestation of my current emotional status:
Sunny Day Sweepin' the clouds away On my way to where the air is sweet Can you tell me how to get, How to get to Sesame Street Come and play Everything's A-OK Friendly neighbors there That's where we meet Can you tell me how to get How to get to Sesame Street It's a magic carpet ride Every door will open wide To Happy people like you-- Happy people like What a beautiful Sunny Day Sweepin' the clouds away On my way to where the air is sweet Can you tell me how to get, How to get to Sesame street... How to get to Sesame Street How to get to...
February 20, 2002
Sick as a dying dog. My heart hurts.....no connotative meaning behind that, it physically hurts. I'm off to sleep to escape from this messed up world.
February 19, 2002
Definition of Love:
"A misunderstanding between a man and a woman."--Shuaib Chacha
of course this was the same uncle who once beat a guy upside the head with a feild hockey stick and the same uncle who once stated, "One equals eleven."
February 18, 2002
so sleep is my real world now, and the waking one is merely a nightmare that shall end once i wake up....whenever the hell that's gonna happen. i always thought that by this day, everything would be over, and i'd be able to breathe...but noooooooooo.........nothing ever ends, and it never will....so life is nothing but suffocation until you die. until i can get the hell away, that is.....people can come, use you to the fullest extent, then spit in your face and run away like a the scared pieces of fucking horse ass shit that they are.....but we, the passive ansari's that we are, look the other way, then turn back and smile. i'm pretty damn glad i'm gonna be getting married in about 10 years or so. at least i don't have to say i'm a part of this type of family after that.
February 15, 2002
now it's friday morning and i just woke up. i want to go back to sleep, for "that is where i'm a viking!"---Ralph. what if what we perceive as the unconscious is truly the conscious, and vice versa. what if dreams are the true state of reality, and the waking world is really the dream part. it feels surreal like that most of the time. maybe it's just a desi thing...i love you family.
February 14, 2002
my v-day at school was grand....in chem we did notes, looked for pics in magazines in photography, nothing in current issues......then during lunch while i was throwing a pity party, jamie and brandi bought me a flower.....i am loved :-) in lit we had another intellectual discussion and blah blah blah.....in physics we did a lab and in cal i failed the test. then i went to publix to get coke...then when i came home and walked through the door, good ol shaz was there to give me a hug....then i nad came down the stairs and k3g was playing on the tv......twas the best moment of my day.......no, wait...the best moment was seeing our whole family at the mehndi...later on that night, before we were about to leave, the three of us did our loodi outside in the freezing cold. and that was my day. i choose to focus upon the good things so i can remember this day wasn't 100% bad.
February 13, 2002
it's hitting me right about.............now. the day was rather swell...many people bought candy from me...and i just felt good overall. heheheheheh......oh yeah...the following is a prime example of how we (including teachers) waste precious time during school: in ap calculus today, after showing mr. hamilton his webpage, i helped him find halle berry wallpapers for his computer....despite the fact that the biggest test of the year will be tomorrow, we sat there for a good 25 minutes looking for good halle berry pictures for him. mr. ham is the man.
February 12, 2002
i need something to punch...this senior project business will crush me.
February 11, 2002
lapak jhapak......jhapak lapak...naanch zara, jhoomthey meriiiiii........oh wait, everyone's too scared to dance...i forgot for a second that we are ansaris. :-p my day was good...why don't i chronicle it for ya: hmmm.....in forensics i read about a case dealing with guess what?!?! FORENSICS!! ummm.....ooooh..we took pictures in photography!! i took one of a pink flag next to a little tree and made a stonehenge out of nearby rocks.......then i took a pic of jamie taking a pic.......ok, i get too excited about photography. aight.....in current issues i did nothing.....lunch was lunch.....lit was lit.........physics had test....and cal had quiz that i didn't even bother finishing cause i no know how to do. now i'm off to do my physics project due tomorrow because when i do work, i don't think, hence i have no thoughts in my head to express here.
February 10, 2002
I pulled a boogy out of my nose today that was as white as a marshmallow. Perhaps it was a chunk of my brain oozing out. don't ask cause i don't know............"To see a sandwich in your dream, suggests that a lot of pressure and stress is being put on you. It also reflects your ability to do two things at once. However, sometimes a sandwich is just a sandwich." in my case it was a subway sandwich......what else happened last night..."To see brown or withered leaves in your dream, signifies fallen hopes, despair, and loss." ...."To dream that you are strolling through a forest, indicates that your hardships will pay off and lead to success and prosperity."..... ........"To see an ocean in your dream, represents the state of your emotions and feelings. It is indicative of some spiritual refreshment, tranquility and renewal."............suuuuure
February 9, 2002
You ARE a good person, yes, you DO have a good heart. But I forgot you were my brother, and an Ansari male for a split second and saw you more as a friend. That was stupid on my part, and believe you me, that won’t happen again. The fact of the matter is, you’re still who you are, and I’m still gonna love you for that. Don’t for a second think this is an apology….you still don’t know anything about how twisted your actions are. You can go ahead and tell the world about how you think our family is evil and that you are the only good person, fine, go ahead. Some people, including you, still don’t understand what the word family is. It isn’t brady bunch, it isn’t about loving each other 24/7 and eating dinner together every night. It’s about loving each other despite the fact that you’re not perfect, you rarely eat dinner together, and you are aware of how demented everyone else is. Family’s about tolerating and sticking together despite the fact that you know how psycho everyone else is, not denying you are related to them after one little disagreement. Grow up...............something about the all-star festivities and charles barkley's sense of humor that fills my heart with an indescribable sense of fulfillment and joy.
February 8, 2002
When one habitually complains about the negative actions of others, and they eventually begin performing the same act, but fail to see the wrong in, this equates to hypocrisy. i repeat from yesterday: "...few of us have the time for constant reflection on our views--on public or private morality. Examine them we must, however, or we will never know whether we might be wrong." my day was great...we started forensics in chem II this week, and to kick it off, we played clue today.....great educational value that board game has. in photography, my painting is actually starting to come along nicely...in current issues, some hypocritical guy came in and told us not to do drugs...even though he has 3 kids either currently using them, in jail for dealing them...or just in rehab. I guess hypocrisy is the theme for the day. :-p anyhoo....lunch was as usual...in lit, my ros and guil essay i got back, and it wasnt half as bad as i thought it would be....in physics i recieved a box of candy to sell for six flags...then we proceeded to play go fish and 21 for the rest of the period.....then in cal we did a pre-test....and i made an airplane out of my m&m's wrapper. yee haw........i stopped doing dork of the month so people would stop coming to my website...i don't like traffic. i thought i should establish that.....i am lazy and i have no stress in my life, nor do i have any work to do. i just waste my constructive time online. that's right. the physics project due tuesday, the physics test on monday, the ap cal quiz on monday and the ap cal test on wednesday...altering my clothes for the up coming events...the mehndi...and the shaadi, and the valima....decorating the valima...selling 52 candy bars...preparing to be a culinary master and finishing an online cookbook and cooking show for the senior project due on the 25th (which, if i do not pass, i will not be able to graduate)...the current issues project...the fafsa, scholarship stuff...reading heart of darkness...reading a chapter of forensics every two days and the current issues portfolio which is checked every week...and creating a webpage for my ap cal teacher by next week....NONE OF THIS EQUATES TO STRESS!!! all ya'll bitches need to kiss my "lazy" ass.
February 7, 2002
merey haatho, mein nau nau chudiyan hai. thora tero...sajan majbooriya hai. Milan hoga.....abhi is raath ki duriya hai. Stephen L. Carter: from "The Insufficiency of Honesty" "...When i refer to integrity, do i mean simply "honesty"? The answer is no; although honesty is a virtue of importance, it is a different virtue from integrity....Integrity, as i will use the term, requires three steps: discerning what is right and what is wrong; acting on what you have discerned even at personal cost; and saying openly that you are acting on your understanding of right and wrong.....a person may be entirely honest without ever engaging in the hard work of discernment that integrity requires....Honesty is most laudable when we risk harm to ourselves; it becomes a good deal less so if we instead risk harm to others when there is no gain to anyone other than ourselves.....few of us have the time for constant reflection on our views--on public or private morality. Examine them we must, however, or we will never know whether we might be wrong." take it as you wish.
February 6, 2002
I've reached the point where i want to leave school. yes, i've spent a long time around these people, but that isn't necessarily a good thing. I'm getting sick of em. there goes my heart turning back to stone again. If anything, the only thing i'm afraid of come fall is leaving my mommy....that will truly be something difficult for me to deal with....Deewana Tera Hai Kasam Yehi Khaaye Tere Kadmon Mein Jhoomti Bahaar Bichha Doonga Jo Tu Mil Jaaye Gazab Ho Jaaye Tere Duniya Main Khushiyon Ke Mele Laga Doonga Deewana Tera Hai Kasam Yehi Khaaye Tere Kadmon Mein Jhoomti Bahaar Bichha Doonga Jo Tu Mil Jaaye Gazab Ho Jaaye Tere Duniya Main Khushiyon Ke Mele Laga Doonga Oh Haseena Saath Jeena Dosti Ka Haath De De Oh Haseena Dil Jo Chheena Dosti Ka Haath Le Le Deewana Tera Hai Kasam Yehi Khaaye Tere Kadmon Mein Jhoomti Bahaar Bichha Doonga Jo Tu Mil Jaaye Gazab Ho Jaaye Tere Duniya Main Khushiyon Ke Mele Laga Doonga Aasmaano Pe Yehi Hai Likha Naam Tera Hi Hai Mujhse Judaa Aasmaano Pe Yehi Hai Likha Naam Tera Hi Hai Mujhse Judaa Tu To Padhkar Ke Bhi Anjaan Hai Yeh Sataane Ki Hi Pehchaan Hai Zid Yehi Hai Tu Meri Hai Aarzoo Yeh Aakhri Hai Hai Bada Muskhil Meri Jaan Tujh Ko Samjhaana Deewana Tera Hai Kasam Yehi Khaaye Tere Kadmon Mein Jhoomti Bahaar Bichha Doonga Jo Tu Mil Jaaye Gazab Ho Jaaye Tere Duniya Main Khushiyon Ke Mele Laga Doonga Aap Is Dil Ko Dukhaate Hai Kyon Door Yun Katraake Jaate Hai Kyon Aap Is Dil Ko Dukhaate Hai Kyon Door Yun Katraake Jaate Hai Kyon Kuch Kami Hum Mein Jo Ho To Bata De Hum To Khud Ko Bhi Badal Ke Dikha De Baat Jo Bhi Aap Ki Hai Sar Jooka Ke Maan Li Hai Pyaar Itna Karne Wala Payange Kahan Deewana Tera Hai Kasam Yehi Khaaye Tere Kadmon Mein Jhoomti Bahaar Bichha Doonga Jo Tu Mil Jaaye Gazab Ho Jaaye Tere Duniya Main Khushiyon Ke Mele Laga Doonga Oh Haseena Saath Jeena Dosti Ka Haath De De Oh Haseena Dil Jo Chheena Dosti Ka Haath Le Le
February 5, 2002
No one wants to dance at the mendi and i am sure as hell tired of begging.....we will all sit quietly with the men on one side of the room and the women on the other (with a wall of chastity in between, of course) and read the quran. I hope that makes you all HAPPY!!!!! Marriage....according to muniza: "all you do is live w/ some person and make the world population larger, therefore starving others." PREACH ON, MOON!!!
February 4, 2002
Don't ask cause i don't know.........sometimes in life you meet a special type of person...there's no particular reason why you become friends....nothing in common at all, but it happens...two people completely inverse of each other...but you just connect. Listening to them speak or hearing them laugh brings you happiness...why? Just because. There's not any particualar reason why you become fond of them...its just the way they make you feel when you're around them....they make you gush with a sense of happiness that you don't feel around other people...the kind of happiness you don't even experience around a crush. Who am i speaking of.......why NANDOO OF COURSE!!! god, who else did you think i was talking about?
February 3, 2002
HAPPY BIRDAY TU TU, FARU BHAI!!!!
February 2, 2002
lalalallala.....went to mall today...la la la la la...nothing in the brain.
February 1, 2002
The day was as typical as they get...nothing special...nothing grand...no amazing or frightening thoughts.....nothing....just empty, empty, empty. I must say, i have a newfound appreciation for the people at school. It's just taken...oh...about 11 years for me to get used to these people....i'm currently at the state where i can even say i am able to tolerate them. And after but a mere 3 or 4 months in the future, i'll never see em again. Life.....(sigh)....life. I'm even starting to enjoy ap lit!!! How crazy is that?!?!? I like the following song. Michael Jackon is the man.
All
you gotta do is just walk away and pass me by
Don't acknowledge my smile when I try to say hello to you, yeah
And all you gotta do is not answer my calls when
I'm trying to get through
To keep me wondering why, when all I can do is sigh....blah blah blah......You
give me butterflies inside, inside and I....blah blah blah....All I gotta say is
that I must be dreaming, can't be real...You give me butterflies inside, inside
and I....blah blah blah
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