Ulysses Denherder's Domain

"A strong passion for any object will ensure success, for the desire of the end will point out the means."
Henry Hazlitt, Journalist and Economist

Desire. That little thing inside us that always drives us on, makes us act to be something that we're not. More than anything that can ever happen to us, any feeling that we experience, desire has the ability to change us. But the biggest thing about desire isn't that it just changes us, its the fact that we never know how its going to change us, what we're going to do and how we're going to act. Is it going to make us smarter, funnier, more attractive? Or is it going to make us babble like an idiot?

OK. Its pretty obvious as to what (well...who) it is that's inspired me to write this, but its not about one sole incident, or a group of incidents with one person that this is about, these are a whole host of thoughts that I've had for years now, based on things that have happened to me and things that I have witnessed happening to other people. So, here we are with another pointless pseudo-essay. As always, there's no real purpose to this, but its not quite right to go in the Existence section, or in my LiveJournal. So it gets its very own section.

We all know what desire is, we've all experienced it a several points in our lives. Its that insatiable hunger that we occasionally get, its not just something that we want, but something that we feel we need. And you can desire anything - an object, a state of mind or more commonly, a person. And as always when I'm writing stuff, we're going to be focussing on the person aspect of things.

We should never confuse desire with lust either, even though sometimes what we desire is purely a function of lust. No, desire can be for many things, but it always feels the same, when you think on what you desire you can't help but smile. Its something that I've been doing a lot recently. Most of the time I've been feeling pretty average, down about the usual things, and up about the usual things too, but I'm starting to drift off into what can only be described as "moments". That isn't the point of this though, that's more of a "Today's Thought" or an aspect of my "Existence", here we're not looking at the content of the desire, but where it comes from, and how it affects me.

So where does the desire come from? Its not some conscious choice that you make, its something that happens to you. You look at someone, or talk to someone or whatever, and then there's one event, one single thing that gets your interest. And once you have that focus that makes you see that person (in some way) as interesting, fascinating, sexy or whatever then every time someone mentions that person, or you see them, you're instantly reminded of the characteristic that you have (correctly or not) associated with them. Wow. Wordy. OK, look at this. The other night me and Dan were chatting away, and we happenned to get onto the topic of a party round at Dave Abell's. Not any old party though, this was the "throwing Vicky's dolly back in through the window" party. (An anecdote I won't be repeating here for brevity's sake. See? I do think about being over-verbose.) Anyway, he mentioned seeing Vicky collapsed on the floor saying "Please don't step on me" as people walked past her. Straightaway I was hit by the desire that I felt for her at the time and my face broke out into a huge grin. It was that kind of thing that made her so fascinating to me and it all came flooding back. Seriously, it was an overwhelming moment there and whilst its apparent to me that my brief recap of the event does not paint a picture of why I ofund her so fascinating, to me its obvious.

That's something else about desire - its a very personal thing and scarily it seems to obey "Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle". Once you've found this one event that has made you think of one characteristic, all that you notice from then on are the things that are assoicated with that characteristic. That's why people can get very different readings of others and can both desire the same person (in different) but for very different things. Which example should I use? The sexual one or the non-sexual one?

Sexual One(Warning: Contains erotic images)

Non-sexual One

Y'see? That's why this desire is so important, even though you're thinking about someone else, its actually about you. The things that you see are the things that you want to see there, and its all about doing our best to make ourselves happy. Hell, it could have elements of altruism to it. You see these things because you have a wish to see the best in people. Fuck! Where's all the Gen-X cynicism and the "I hate women" attitude gone? Fuck.

So that's the why and how of it dealt with, but I haven't yet talked about the what, and the effect that desire has on you. Look at the quote at the top. Desire can give you confidence more than anything else can. Usually, my confidence increases with the greater the number of people present. But when you desire someone, you become a better person for it. Not only have you spotted these conscious hooks but you're also picking up on subconscious cues in an attempt (whether vain or not) to make you more desirable to that person. With Vicky I became funnier, with Kate I appeared more...emotionally honest, with Rachel I was deep and so on. That's why having a desire can be so much fun, and makes you smile when you think of it: It makes us feel like we're better than we are.

But with the triumphs come the defeats. The desire becomes of such import and focus that you can start to neglect the rest of you complex personality. You've got to make the conscious effort to show the other aspects of yourself otherwise they will never see you as a complete person. The thing is though, showing the other parts of yourself isn't as easy as it usually is. You analyse everything that you do, and wonder whether it seems as its supposed to seem. And this is what makes you babble like an idiot, and these things are some of the most soul-crushing memories that you'll take with you for a long time. Plagued with "why did I say that?" thoughts for years.

I think its worth it though, because those soul-crushing moments fade long before the esteem-boosting highs do. I suppose that this is actually the biggest problem with desire though, because its great for what it is, and makes you feel and happy and safe. But that's just the fear you get, because if you gamble it all, you might lose, but you aso have the chance for winning the jackpot, and getting something even better than the desire.

"Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it."
Bill Cosby, Comedian