We here at UIQ have long wondered what happened to one of the most famous Transformers of them all. Many have tried to take his place but none could possibly fullfill his shoes. Yes the Transformers have greatly transformed over the years from the original Autobots vs the Decipticons. There has been several reincarnations of the Transformers from Beast Wars to Beast Machines. But during all of this time were has the most famous Autobot of them all been. It took much searching before we found him. And Im said to report he isnt in good shape. This is the interview I had with the once powerful leader of the Autobots, but now he is reduced to a pathetic shell of his former self. When we caught up with Optimus Prime he was living in a one bedroom run down wooden shack. The shack was falling down it had no windows and a screen door that was falling off. I dont even think it had indoor plumbing.
UIQ: Optimus can we have a few words with you?
Optimus: Who the hell be at my door (with a drunken voice)
UIQ: Optimus Im a reporter for the UIQ may I have a few words with you?
Optimus: Get the hell out of here you son of a bitch. Be gone.
UIQ: Optimus Im willing to pay you ten bucks for an interview.
Optimus: (Stagering to the door) Whatch ya say ten bucks. Shit Ill talk to you fo ten bucks.
UIQ: Great. Well first I would...
Optimus: I wonts my ten bucks now. I dont know you man.
UIQ: Of course please forgive me here you go. Now Optimus what has happened to you since the orginal Transformers went off the air.
Optimus: Whatch you think fool. Look around man, look were Im at and you want to know why Im here. Its the man. Shit the man is holding me down, they be prejudce over a talking Robot that can turn into a semi-truck. Shit if it wasnt fo them Id still be number one.
UIQ: So your saying that "The Man" is the one holding you down opressing you.
Optimus. Hell ya. See those son's of bitches were so jealous of my talents as an actor it pathetic. And that little bastard Bumble Bee shit I see that mother Fu@#$% I'm going to put a cap in his volswagon ass.
UIQ: Why is that? Bumble Bee was always loyal to you.
Optimus: Loyal shit loyal my ass. He always wanted my job. Talked behind my back he is the one that helped in my down fall. Not long after the show was cancelled and I lost all my money. Bee came to me wanting me to run an illegal shipment of High Octane WD-40 oil. I was desprate so I did it. I got busted and that mother fu@#$% squealed on me and got off. Shit Im still on probation. They took my trailer away from me.
UIQ: Well I heard the reason you lost your money was due to your gambling and prostitution problems and not to mention the drug abuse.
Optimus: Who the Fu@# you think you is. You dont know me bitch. You lucky I dont put a cap in yo ass right now bitch. Were ta hell is my glock.
UIQ: Optimus come on now there is no reason for that Im sorry I was just repeating what I heard.
Optimus: Hang on I got to get me a bottle of WD-40. (sippin on a bottle of wd-40) shit thats better. One more thing (lights up a spark plug and takes a hit and starts coughing) shit *cough* thats some good shit man you want a hit.
UIQ: Umm no thank you. How do you feel with the revival of the Transformers and other stuff like Battletech?
Optimus: *beep beep* Shit hang on thats one of my ho's. Whatch ya wont bitch. Ya I gots some whatch ya going to do fo big daddy. Shit girl you know what big daddy likes. Bring yo ho ass over here ok. Sorry now what was you saying, oh yea. Man let me tell you how I feel. (distant sound in the background). Shit what the hell is that.
UIQ: Dont know sounds like police sirens.
Optimus: Shit, Fu@# God damned po-lece. Man I gots to bounce Im on probation I dont want to deal with five o. Autobot (one last hit from the spark plug) *cough* cough* transform.
That was our interview with Optimus. Yes its true the heroic Transformer we once knew is gone. Now reduced to drinking large amounts of WD-40 and smoking Plugs. Are hopes go out to Optimus hopefully one day the Autobot we knew will come back until then if its weird it must be true. |
