“That’s it for today, guys,” Gori concludes, hurriedly picking up randomly scattered balls on the no longer shiny gym floor. “see you tomorrow.”
I hunch over slowly, persistent beads of perspiration trickling down my face and neck, panting hard and strenuously.
Yet this physical strain is a kind of release, a kind of release that I’ve been deprived of for such an endlessly long time. A release, along with basketball and everything else about my past, that I’ve missed so much at the back of my mind.
I follow everyone back to the benches to collect my belongings.
“Fine play, Hanamichi,” Ryota says to me in between pants, grinning and patting me on the shoulder. “fine play.”
I smile back at him and instinctively, without me realizing, my ‘signature expression’ slips out of my mouth for the first time in months.
“Tensai dakara!” I exclaim, my voice automatically drenched with something like confidence and pride.
It’s all coming back to me now.
Ryota grins again, winks at me, throws his bag over his shoulder and turns to walk towards the exit.
“Ja, Hanamichi!” he calls out to me. “Ja, minna!”
Then, as usual, he turns to Ayako with hearts in his eyes.
“Aya-chan,” he greets politely, his voice softer and gentler now. “see you tomorrow…”
Ayako merely laughs and nods, tapping him very lightly on the head with her paper fan playfully.
“See you, Ryota.”
“Sakuragi.”
I turn around immediately when I hear my name being called.
Mitsui walks up to me, wiping his sweat with a towel and his bag in his other hand.
“Nice work,” he says in his deep voice, smiling reassuringly. “I’ll be seeing you tomorrow.”
Yes, you will, I think, smiling.
I nod briskly at Mitsui’s comment, then wave goodbye as he walks out of the hall.
All this support. I can’t help but admit that…it’s wonderful. It’s wonderful to be back.
I quickly blink myself out of my thoughts and hastily start collecting my things to leave.
“You stay behind, Sakuragi.” Gori’s insistent voice holds me back.
I watch everyone’s hurried departure from the gym, excluding Ayako and Kogure, who are discussing something in hushed syllables behind Gori.
I walk towards Gori, wondering what this is about.
“Sakuragi,” he starts, his expression solemn. “you did very well.”
This has to be one of the few occasions where you actually find Gori complimenting me. A grin instantly breaks out of my face, but I don’t reply.
“You will come back to practice regularly now, right?” he asks, a little bit of eagerness escaping through his still voice.
I lull over this question for a few seconds. With Rukawa back …
I hesitate immediately.
Suddenly Ayako and Kogure stop talking and stare at me, waiting for my answer, the look in both their eyes so immensely hopeful that I can’t bring myself to say no.
‘You can’t just run away forever,’ Youhei’s words echo repeatedly in my mind. ‘You can’t be scared forever.’
Rukawa’s back. Life must go on.
I can’t be scared forever, I tell myself.
“Yes,” I announce, nodding my head more certainly and sincerely than ever. “yes, I will.”
Gori’s eyes light up then, with a type of relief or a type of delight, or a type of surprise. Or maybe all these emotions mixed together.
I glance over at Kogure and Ayako and realize their eyes have lightened up too.
Gori puts his hand on my shoulder firmly and lets a smile loose on his lips.
“That’s good,” I hear him say absently. “that’s good.”
“It’s been a long time, Sakuragi Hanamichi…” Ayako says to me, her voice still full of energy and animation. “you’ll have to keep it up, ne!”
“Ganbatte!” Kogure adds encouragingly, adjusting his glasses.
I look at Kogure and I wonder what he thinks of me after that time at the hospital where he saw me crying and heard what I had to say. Somehow, it seems like his opinion on me hasn’t changed. He still treats me the way he did before. And I don’t understand that.
There isn’t even a hint of sympathy or disgust in his eyes. Instead, his eyes are full of understanding, just like Youhei’s. I don’t understand. I don’t understand why these people, my former teammates … why they’re still so nice to me.
But I understand that this gives me the reason to be strong. Even if that means facing Rukawa.
“Nan da, Sakuragi?” Kogure interrupts my thoughts, his voice slightly concerned.
“Betsuni, betsuni,” I reply abruptly, shaking my head and waving my hand in dismissal.
Ayako takes a quick glimpse at the watch on her wrist.
“Ahh…it’s late, we’d better get going now,” she sighs. “ja na, minna.”
Soon follows the quick showers of goodbyes and I turn to the benches once again, collecting my belongings hurriedly and trudging towards the exit in deep thought.
It’s the end of practice. Then where’s…?
Where’s Rukawa?
I shake my head frantically to try and clear my mind of thoughts of him. It’s a good thing he’s not here, I tell myself. It’s a good thing. That way you won’t have to face him.
Yet I can’t help feeling … disappointed.
Why am I feeling disappointed?
No, stop. Stop it, Hanamichi.
I sigh deeply and continue trudging forward, only now looking up and ahead of me. A timid figure flinches before me in the dark and then steps into full view.
“Haruko-san?” I gasp in alarm, voicing my thoughts out loud unknowingly.
“Sakuragi-kun…” she replies, smiling slightly and brushing a hand through her chestnut hair.
“What are you doing here alone, so late?” I question worriedly. After all, a girl shouldn’t be out alone so late - it isn’t safe enough at these hours.
“It’s okay, Sakuragi-kun,” Haruko persists, laughing softly and shaking her head.
“Come, come,” I tell her, frowning in disapproval and ignoring her persistence. “I’ll walk you home.”
Haruko only laughs again politely and falls in place by my side.
“Youhei-san,” she begins explaining, raising her voice and turning to face me. “Youhei-san told me to tell you that he couldn’t wait till the end of practice for you - he had to work, he said.”
“Un…” I reply slowly, nodding. “thanks for passing the message, Haruko-san.”
“It’s nothing…” she responds, shaking her head slightly in dismissal once again.
I look sideways at Haruko. I used to feel something for her. Now it’s as if it’s all gone. It’s as if all that’s left is a purely gentlemanly sense of responsibility, a duty to keep her safe. Was it like this before? I don’t remember ever questioning my feelings for her. Or was I just running away from the truth?
Why? She used to be my reason, my motivation. But now…
I catch myself sighing deeply all over again.
Haruko hears my sigh and looks up from the ground to face me, her round blue eyes hiding some kind of anxiety.
“Demo…” she breathes softly and shakily, watching me intently. “Sakuragi-kun, are you really going to accept … Rukawa-kun’s … challenge?”
At the corner of my eye I can see Haruko watching me expectantly, searching for a response or an answer. I don’t dare to look back at Haruko. I don’t even know what I’m going to do.
“Sakuragi-kun?” she presses on timidly.
I remain silent. I don’t know what to say to her.
Suddenly she pulls me gently on the arm, forcing me to look straight back at her.
“Sakuragi-kun,” she begins in a nervous whisper, her eyes fixed on me and glimmering with some type of earnest pleading. “please promise me you won’t accept the challenge, okay?”
Haruko hesitates now, sighs in distress, then takes a deep breath and continues.
“Rukawa-kun’s weak right now, and if you two play, if you two get into a fight, then…” she trails off.
“Haruko-san…” I say, trying to ease her growing worry.
“Please, Sakuragi-kun,” she interrupts, a slight frown etched on her brow now. “please … don’t accept the challenge … onegai …”
I catch sight of her eyes at that moment – dark eyes drowned in sincere panic and worry – and I realize, with more certainty than ever before, how much she loves Rukawa, how much she cares for him.
And that just tears my heart apart.
It could be guilt. It could be jealousy. It could be sheer sadness at how unfair this world is. I don’t know. But being here, seeing the concern in Haruko’s eyes, makes me want to cry.
And now I know, with a kind of frightful certainty, that I can’t feel this way about Rukawa. I can’t possibly hurt Haruko like this.
“Haruko-san,” I hear myself say, my voice shaky and solemn. “I’m sorry…”
Haruko’s eyes widen in confusion.
“…Sorry for what, Sakuragi-kun?”
“Sorry for everything.”
And with that, I spin around and run towards the main gates.
I don’t look back. I wonder what Haruko’s thinking right now, but I don’t look back. This guilt seems to be crushing in relentlessly on my heart.
There’s nothing to be guilty about, I try to comfort myself. You didn’t do anything.
But I did, a dejected voice in my mind projects. But I did. I fell in love with him, even when I knew she was in love with him too. And she doesn’t deserve this. If she finds out, she’ll be hurt, more hurt than ever. She trusted me. And I betrayed her. That’s more than enough to stay guilty for my whole life.
I glance ahead of me hastily, squinting to see clearly in the darkness of the chilly autumn night.
And all of a sudden, a tall, broad figure steps out of the shadows and into the light.
Rukawa.
I stand, transfixed, frozen, shocked.
My thoughts rage violently, sending my head into a spin. But yet I can’t bring myself to tear my eyes away from Rukawa, standing there in front of the gate, right before my eyes.
“Where do you think you’re going?” he says in his usual, barely audible, monotonous voice.
I try to talk but the appearance of the huge lump in my throat prevents me from doing so.
And then, catching me completely by surprise, he lunges towards me and grabs my hand, pulling me back into the school premises and away from the exit.
It takes me a while to realize what is happening. It takes me a while to acknowledge the fact that Rukawa is actually holding my hand in his … voluntarily.
By the time I realize and fully acknowledge what is happening, I’m standing in the centre of the empty gym.
Rukawa’s standing right before me once again.
I look around me nervously. It’s just the two of us in the silence of this hall …
…without a basketball in sight.
I panic and begin running as fast as I can towards the exit, regardless of what Rukawa thinks of my behaviour.
I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to listen to what you have to say. I don’t want to get hurt.
But he grabs my hand from behind, pulling me back forcefully and forcing me to face him.
Don’t touch me, I beg inside. Don’t look at me like that. Please … don’t pull me back.
“I need to talk to you.” he says firmly, the same unflinching, challenging look in his ice-blue, crystal eyes.
Notes: … So what do you think? ~_~
I hope in this chapter I put in perspective for you guys…with Sakuragi’s fear that Rukawa doesn’t share the same feelings as he does, his self-consciousness and ... umm … mild homophobia I guess… and also his guilt for *betraying* Haruko...it kinda gives the idea that even if he does wind up with Rukawa, he still won’t be completely happy… but that’s for the ending I think... ^_^ All will be clear in the ending ^_~
Actually right now I have another idea for a different fic…but I have to finish this one first… I’m thinking of whether I should link it to this one and make this a series because that would be a pretty good idea…it would save a lot of explaining and etc ... *_* Dunno… oh well…I better finish this one first before saying anything else…