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| CHECK IT OUT |
South Africa
There was this guy who had put together the perfect cricket team for '98. The only thing he was missing was a good fast bowler. He had scouted all the clubs, and even the high schools, and he couldn't find a quickie that would ensure a victory over Pakistan. Then one night, watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia. In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 200 yards away ka-boom! He threw another hand grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away, ka-blooey! A car passes going 90 miles an hour, bulls-eye! Right into the barely open window. "I've got to get this guy," Ali says to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So he brings him to South Africa and teaches him the great game of cricket. Predictably, the young man tops all the test stats for wickets taken, and SA goes on to win the test series. The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of South African Cricket, gets to meet Nelson Mandela and when the guy asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother.
"Mom," the young man says into the receiver, "I just won the test series for South Africa." "I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says."You deserted us. You're not my son." "I don't think you understand, mother" the young man pleads. "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm in the middle of thousands of adoring fans." "No, let me tell you," the mother implores. "At this very moment, there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, your father had his car stolen and this week your sister was mugged in broad daylight...." The old lady pauses, in tears. "...I'll never forgive you for moving us to Johannesburg !"
Robbed
A young man is staggering about drunk with a key in his hand. "What's going on `ere then?" Says a passing policeman. "They stole me bloody car!" shouts the drunk. "Where did you last see it?" asks the copper. "On the end of this key!" wails the drunk. The policeman looks him over and says,"Are you aware, sir, that your penis is hanging out of your trousers?". "Holy shit!" screams the drunk, "They got me girlfriend too!"
3 Brave Mice
3 mice walk into a bar, pull up stools, and order 3 man-sized shots of tequilla. The first mouse downs his shot and says "you know, I'm so brave, that when I come across a mousetrap, I snatch the cheese before the spring snaps and then I feed my family for a week!" The second mouse then downs his shot and says "That's nothin', I can take a fist full of Decon and just gobble it down ..." The third mouse slugs his shot down,gets up and leaves. The other two say "hey, hey, where do you think you're goin'? And he replies..... "I'm goin' to fuck the cat!"
Passing Gas
There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn't even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor. After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help. "Doctor," she said, "I have a very bad gas problem." "A gas problem?" replied the doctor. "Yes. Yesterday afternoon I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh... silent gas emissions. Last night I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had <blush> four silent gas emissions. Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions! Doctor, you've got to help me! What can we do?" "Well," said the doctor thoughtfully, "I think the first thing we're going to do is give you a hearing test."
Friendly Bees
A fella was in the market to buy some acreage. He found just what he was looking for, but it was a little expensive. During an inspection of the property, however, he found a hive of bees. He told the owner that he was deathly afraid of bees, and there was no way he could consider this piece of land. The landowner assured him that the bees were completely harmless, but the buyer would have no part of it. Finally, the landowner made an offer. The buyer would allow himself to be tied to a tree for an hour, nude, under the nest. So sure of the friendliness of his bees was the farmer that if ONE bee were to sting him, the farm would be his for free. The buyer thought it over and decided it was worth the risk. An hour later, the farmer walked out to the tree and saw the poor buyer slumped over in his bindings. Fearing the worst, he ran up to him and asked him if he had been stung. The city fella looked up and weakly said, "No, but doesn't that calf have a mother?"
The Sol
After just two days of driving through Mexico, Steve was sick and tired of Mexicans. "Damn wetbacks," he told his wife. "They hate Americans. I swear, the next one I see, I'm going to make that son of a bitch suffer!" As it happened, Steve's anger was such that he didn't look where he was going, and he rear-ended a brawny farmer in a pickup truck. The Mexican came over and leaned in Steve's window. "Hey, greengo--why did you heet my truck?". "Because I can't stand you or any other smelly Mexican greaseball!" Steve ranted. "In fact, if you're man enough, I'm going to come out and kick the shit out of you!". The Mexican motioned Steve out. "I make a deal weet you," he said. "If you ween, you take my truck. If I ween, not only do I fuck your wife, but you weel hold my balls to keep them off the hot street." The men agreed and fought. Later, Steve was smiling as he and his wife drove off. "I told you I'd make some Mexican suffer!" he gloated. His wife looked at him. "What the HELL are you talking about?!". Steve smiled. "Did you hear how he screamed when I dropped his balls!"
Spot!!!
A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress. The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the canapes the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped. "SPOT!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet. Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go. "SPOT!" she called out sharply. "I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one. "SPOT!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he SHITS on you!"
Never to Old
A woman is having her 90th birthday. Huge celebration in the village. Everybody is there, the mayor, the police and a reporter from the local newspaper. He wants to know how she achieved to have such a long life. She tells him about her fulfilled life, and about the 3 beers and 2 cigars she has each day. 'Not to forget a healty and active sex life keeps my circulation going' she adds. The reporter curious now, asks deferentially 'So when was the last time you made love, Mam ?'. 'Well, let me think, made love, the last time I did that was around 1945'. 'Whoah', the reporter says, 'but that's a helluva long time ago'. 'You think so ?' the woman replies and checks her watch. 'But it's only 20:15 now, a half hour later.
The Priest's Parrots
This lady approaches a priest and tell him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing". "What do they say?", the priest asked. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'". "That's terrible!", the priest exclaimed. "I do have a solution to your problem. Bring your two taking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible, than my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship". "Thank you." said the lady. So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots said, "Hi, We're prostitutes! Do you want to have some fun?". One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and screams, "Put your Bible away Frank, our prayers have been answered!"
Jack Schitt
Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt". Now you can handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of Knee-Deep Schitt, Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, and Bull Schitt. Against his parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood, and consequently, married the Happens brothers in a duel ceremony. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt. Now, when someone says you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them.
Bad Bussiness
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." "ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy, the barman replied "Yes." So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks "Could I have a nice juicy T-Bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?" "Certainly sir", replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the guy. "4 cents", he replies. "FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the Guy who owns this place?" The barman replies "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?" The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
